Individually Wrapped.

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Skate rink in Portland

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Hi doing drugs again lol

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Doug fir lounge jan 2022

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I miss him I can’t stop thinking about him I’m addicted

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So little time

I don’t feel as sober as I want to feel. Sometimes I just feel like I need constant attention to be satisfied with life. Texts, calls, makeup on, commute, driving, talking to strangers, comedy, men, etc etc etc. what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? I just want to feel like a normal human being who wants to buy Martha Stewart cookbooks and obsess over article furniture. Ok, I do obsess over furniture. I obsess about furniture and plants... and now my apartment is out of room. My capacity to care is diminishing day by day...

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Wow it’s been a while...

It’s July 2018. Things are so different now through sobriety. What I gained from being sober is finally learning how to grow up - and realizing who I am. Who am I? All I know is that I know nothing.

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One day or day one. Your decision.

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Hello! My birthday passed this weekend. I think that sometimes I don't like to write on here because I don't want to talk, but it's important for me to keep this up. Hanging out with my friends was nerve wrecking but good...the fear is good for me. So many people were at Korean BBQ, and I didn't think they would all show up. We had pie afterwards at my place and I made a toast and I felt everyone's love and support. Here's to a good week...

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I want out of this life of drugs.

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Remember: thoughts are just thoughts. The more we pretend they don’t exist, the bigger and realer they get. To eliminate the thoughts, you have to acknowledge them: “I am thinking about drinking, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on it."

Emily Eveland

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RECOVERY 2/10/2017

I don’t know if anyone will read this, but I decided to finally write a blog about my recovery from drugs and alcohol. The posts below this one were from one year ago, and I’m going to leave all my old posts as-is as a reminder of how far I have come. I am turning 27 in a week and it frightens me, but at the same time I’ve never felt more alive. This is the start of a second chance at life.

I feel like positivity has all the sudden flown back into my life. On December 22nd, 2016 I decided to quit drinking and taking xanax/opiates. All drugs in general are a problem for me, but alcohol really accelerated my downfall. There’s a lot more to my story but that will flesh itself out soon :) I know that in my addiction I did a lot of selfish things, and if I continue to go down the path of negative self-loathing, it will only end in death. Letting myself give up on life is going to hurt other people in my life, and I cannot allow that. There are truly good people that love me and I can’t let them down and, most importantly, I cannot let myself down. 

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Sometimes all the drinking and the pills

make me realize who I really am

and that’s the person I hate the most

and people I hate deserve to die

I want to die

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The loneliness of sitting outside

seven years old, not understanding why

I just kept sitting there alone

maybe thats why I’m so desperate

for someone to touch me

and tell me they love me

even if they don’t

at least I won’t die.

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I remember when I cried

and you destroyed the drawers in the kitchen

I don’t know why

tell me why

[nevver]

Jean André

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sometimes music gives me unbelievable mind orgasms but I don’t know how to comprehend it so I just let the song end and the disappointment set in