“The wound is the place where the Light enters.” Rumi
“Nail biting is considered an impulse control disorder in the DSM-IV-R, and is classified under obsessive-compulsive and related disorders in the DSM-5. The ICD-10 classifies it as "other specified behavioral and emotional disorders with onset usually occurring in childhood and adolescence." Nevertheless, the frontier between normal and a pathological nail biting is not clear… Nail-biting is also associated to guilt and shame feelings in the nail biter, a reduced quality of life, and increased stigmatization in the inner family circles or at a more societal level.” [wiki]
I started biting my nails around the age of five. For contextual purposes, I figure it might be helpful to describe the reasons behind my nail biting: in retrospect I realized that this habit manifested itself shortly after being exposed to abuse and betrayal - in particular, being forced to keep the abuse a secret was what provoked feelings of anxiety and general nervousness.
For the longest time, I had a distorted perspective about my nail biting. My level of self-mutilation was so severe that I ultimately prided myself on taking the nail biting habit to the extreme. Ironically all the social shame served as fuel to further justify my habit. I used to see my nail biting as a strength because in a twisted way, it does require a good amount of emotional strength to physically harm yourself in a manner that is visible and open for public scrutiny. I also felt that it made me special, because they had never seen someone bite their nails that much.
After around 15 years of being a relentless nail biter, I began to look at my habit more critically - aided by fictional representations of O.C.D. (Monk) and a dark addiction (Dexter). These extreme examples (including watching My Strange Addiction) helped demonize my habit by positioning my behavior in the spectrum of addiction/compulsion.
For the majority of my life I thought “this is never going to change.”
Eventually I realized that it would be the ultimate personal challenge to fight for change. To truly test my inner strength. To regain control over my actions.
My body is precious, and there’s no need for self-harm.
My journey was far from easy considering the constant challenge I faced when I would achieve some progress only to inevitably relapse given the ideal environment (i.e. stressful situation or boredom). I felt that my struggle was akin to food addiction because it’s incredibly difficult to control something that you have constant exposure and access to.
I had many failed attempts, but little by little I was able to challenge myself further by prolonging the periods of resistance. I feel like after three years of ups and downs, it wasn’t until very recently that I received some reassurance - from myself - that the habit is in the past. The last time I “relapsed,” I had a subsequent nightmare of finding pieces of nails in my mouth and trying to get rid of them only to find more and more! It filled me with intense anxiety, and I realized that I never want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be ashamed of my actions.
Now, twenty years since I started the behavior: I can confidently say that it feels great to be constantly reminded of the progress I've made and how far I’ve gone. Whenever I’m feeling weak, all I have to do is look at my hands to realize that anything is possible.
If you've also suffered from abuse, I found the following information to be very empowering and enlightening ( I personally haven’t identified as a “victim of abuse” because my method for coping was to be radiantly confidant despite my inner insecurities ).
An emerging field of psychology called post-traumatic growth is suggesting that many people are able to use their hardships and early-life trauma for substantial creative growth. Specifically, researchers have found
that trauma can help people to grow in the areas of interpersonal relationships, spirituality, appreciation of life, personal strength, and - most importantly for creativity - seeing new possibilities in life. "A lot of people are able to use that as the fuel they need to come up with a different perspective on reality," says Kaufman. "What's happened is that their view of the world as a safe place, or as a certain type of place, has been shattered at some point in their life, causing them to go on the periphery and see things in a new, fresh light, and that's very conducive to creativity.”
[Source] There appears to be a basic paradox apprehended by trauma survivors - Their losses have produced valuable gains... "I am more vulnerable, yet stronger." Individuals who experience traumatic life events tend to report - not surprisingly - an increased sense of vulnerability, congruent with the experience of suffering in ways they may not have been able to control or prevent. However, these same people also may report an increased sense of their own capacities to survive and prevail... They also may find themselves becoming more comfortable with intimacy and having a greater sense of compassion for others who experience life difficulties.
See more here ‘Suffering is universal: you attempt to subvert it so that it does not have a destructive, negative effect. You turn it around so that it becomes a creative, positive force.’ Those are the words of Terry Waite who survived four years in solitary confinement, chained, beaten and subject to mock execution. Interest in how trauma can be a catalyst for positive changes began to take hold during the mid 1990’s when the term posttraumatic growth was introduced by two pioneering scholars Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun. The term posttraumatic growth proved to be popular and has since developed into one of the flagship topics for positive psychology. In my book What Doesn't Kill Us I describe how after experiencing a traumatic event, people often report three ways in which their psychological functioning increases:
1. Relationships are enhanced in some way. For example, people describe that they come to value their friends and family more, feel an increased sense of compassion for others and a longing for more intimate relationships.
2. People change their views of themselves in some way. For example, developing in wisdom, personal strength and gratitude, perhaps coupled with a greater acceptance of their vulnerabilities and limitations.
3. People describe changes in their life philosophy. For example, finding a fresh appreciation for each new day and re-evaluating their understanding of what really matters in life, becoming less materialistic and more able to live in the present.
Importantly, and this just can’t be emphasized enough, this does not mean that trauma is not also destructive and distressing. No one welcomes adversity. But the research evidence shows us that over time people can find benefits in their struggle with adversity. Indeed, across a large number of studies of people who have experienced a wide range of negative events, estimates are that between 30 and 70% typically report some form of positive change. We can all use this knowledge to help us cope when adversity does strike, be it bereavement, accident or illness. We can seek to live more wisely in the aftermath of adversity and as the opening quote says, subvert suffering.
To find out more about my book on posttraumatic growth: http://www.profstephenjoseph.com
