Tales from the breakroom

I work at a trucking company, I had collected my stories on my Facebook page but a lot of people have requested that I collect them in a blog form for easy reading. Thanks for stopping by and expect a good amount of updates.

[tfbr-blog]

December 31st, 2013 - 11:02AM

A public service announcement to all ladies from the helpful gentlemen of the breakroom: If you get a tattoo you are of the devil because satan is taking over and if they see you on the street they are well within their rights to call you a whore. Or, for the sake of posterity here is what was said:

Guy #1: My daughter came home with a sticker on her foot and I was just thinkin'... These dumb kids, what's this shit now? So 3 days go by and she still has it on there and I go 'Goddammit, Shelly, what the hell is that sticker on your foot?' and she goes 'Dad, that ain't no sticker, it's a tattoo!' and I was like WHAT THE FUCK and I about told her she ain't my daughter no more, I can't deal with that shit. A tattoo on your foot? On a lady? No, sir. Guy #2: Well they are EVERYWHERE, it's a bunch of crazy shit, all these fuckin' fags with their tattoos showin' girls it's okay to have tattoos and shit. Guy #3: It's because satan is comin' back, it's all part of it, he's comin' back and all those ladies is under his godless spell. Guy #2: Hell yeah he is, these motherfuckers don't even know, if I see a girl walkin' down the street with a tattoo I'm well within my rights to call her a sodomite and whore and I'll be goddamned if I don't preach to her til she vomits that evil up! A couple of them: Amen! Guy #1: I just don't get why you want it on your foot for. Guy #3: Lowest place is the easiest place to hide it from god and closest place to the devil.

This all makes so much sense, you guys. People expressing themselves is definitely a reason to abuse them.

[tfbr-blog]

December 20th, 2013 - 10:00AM

Today we learn that agreeing about religion makes people really mad.

Guy #1: Well speak of the devil! Guy #2: Now I know that's what Jesus said! Guy #3: When did he ever say that? Guy #2: Just saying he said 'Speak of the Devil and he will appear' Guy #3: No he goddamn didn't. Guy #1: I'm pretty sure he did but I was just saying it because I was talking about do- Guy #2: Well let me tell you, I know he did say it and if he was here he would tell you that you are of the devil! Guy #3: The fuck he would, Jesus loves my ass, I been showing him how much I love him since I was pissin' on my stomach! Guy #2: He'd send you to hell for your crass ways is what. Guy #3: Fuck you, he never said that shit and you know it, you dumb motherfucker. Guy #2: You are a sinner and a heathen and I swear you are gonna burn for saying this stuff about our lord! Guy #3: SHOW ME IN THE BIBLE WHERE HE SAID THAT SHIT, YOU FUCKIN' TURD LICK! Guy #2: IT AIN'T IN THE BIBLE, IT'S IN THE SUBTEXT AND GODLY MEN AGREE IT'S A JESUS LIKE SAYING! (Everyone sits quietly for a moment) Guy #1: I was just saying it about them donuts that he brought in... Guy #3: FUCK YOUR GODDAMN DONUTS AND FUCK YOUR GODDAMN JESUS QUOTE. Guy #3 storms out and all is quiet yet again.

[tfbr-blog]

November 18th, 2013 - 11:30AM

Today we find out how to know when love is love. Guy #1: I ain't had one of them in a long time, since I was a little kid maybe. Guy #2: What? A wet dream? Guy #1: Yep. Guy #2: Who was it about, man? Pamela Anderson or some shit? Guy #1: I wish, nah, I was just fishin' out to the old pod by my house and just didn't make it back to the house. Guy #2: Made it back to your house to spank it? Guy #1: What? No, made it to the bathroom to pee so I woke up and it was all over the bed and my ol' lady. Guy #2: That ain't no wet dream, you just pissed the bed! Guy #1: Well I went to sleep and woke up wet didn't I? Guy #2: A wet dream means you blow your load in your sleep, not piss on your ol' lady's housecoat! Guy #1: Hell, I didn't know what you meant then when you said Pam Anderson, I thought maybe that was part of that video or somethin'! Guy #2: Naw man, but I did know a girl liked to pee on this table and then let you pee on her at the same time, it was pretty cool. Guy #1: Maybe my ol' lady is into that kind of thing, she was like pokin my belly trying to get me to let loose last night. Guy #2: Well you know what they say, she ain't really yours until ya pee on her!

Then they both laugh and leave.

[tfbr-blog]

November 8th, 2013 - 10:30AM

This is a thing that has happened today. I don't think we learn anything from it but it happened.

Guy #1: Yeah, she got borned last night. Guy #2: How big? Guy #1: 1 pound and 3 oz. Guy #2: Awww, she a premie? Guy #1: Yup, premie through and through, she's doing okay though. Guy #2: You gotta root for them premies, they are doin' God's work. Guy #1: Yessir, them premies show you the glory of God's plan. Guy #3 (looks up from newspaper): It's down to about $3.35 a gallon! Guy #1: What? Guy #3: It's cheaper than it was. Guy #2: What is? Guy #3: Premium gas. Guy #1: That ain't what we were talking about, motherfucker! Guy #3: Well you kept saying premium so I thought y'all was talking about gas! Guy #1: What happened with you? Your boyfriend fuck you in the ear? That how you got all that shit in there? Clean it out before you open your mouth again! Guy #3: I was just trying to join the conversation, goddammit! Guy #1: We was talking about my granddaughter, she was born a premie, ya know, premature? Guy #3: Oh, shit, I'm sorry, man I should done better at listenin' to ya, she okay? Guy #1: Yeah, she is gonna be okay, at least we're prayin' for her. Guy #3: Amen. Guy #2: Well, I gotta get goin', got a delivery on the other side of town, I wish your granddaughter all the good luck in the world also I'm kinda glad he piped up, that's a good price on that gas!

[tfbr-blog]

October 25th, 2013 - 11:20AM

Today we learn what it takes to throw a successful party. I walk out of the bathroom and then Guy #1: Come on man, go to the party with me! Guy #2: Naw, I don't even feel like it, you know what happened last time. Guy #1: Yeah, but this time it ain't gonna happen that way! Guy #3: Y'all goin' to a party? Guy #1: Well, I am, I'm tryin' to get this pussy to go with me. Guy #2: I'm not damn goin' that place is fucked up. Guy #1: Suit yourself, more chicks for me to get on! Guy #3: Oh yeah? There gonna be any pussy there? Guy #1: Hell yeah! I'm gonna be (starts shuffling back and forth) daaaaanciiiin'! They're gonna be grindin' me, I'm gonna rub my dick up on 'em get 'em real wet! Guy #3: Shit, it's probably gonna be 5 of y'all dudes standin' in a garage drinkin' beer. Guy #1: Naw, man, it's awesome, last time I was there I was dancin' and there was this chick dancin' up on her man and he wasn't even payin' attention so I come over there and I start grindin' on her and she's all twerkin' and shit and she puts her boobs in my hand and next thing ya know she's just slurpin' my rod! Guy #3: Naw, that didn't happen! Guy #1: Sure as a shit in the eyeball it did, ask him, he walked in on us! It's why he won't go back, he was jealous of that shit! Guy #2: No, I ain't goin' back cause I walked in and I see some girl doin' that and this biker standing there jackin' off right next to you and I don't like none of that gay shit. Guy #1: Ain't nothin' gay about it, he liked what he saw and he went for it, long as he ain't touchin' me with it! Guy #3: That's crazy, man, why you wanna let someone jack off to ya? Guy #1: Cause, man, I always wanted to be in porno and now I'm like in a live action one at a party it's badass! Guy #3: I can see that, porno party! Guy #1: Fuckin' A, man, porno party is the best type! All kinds of pussy there except for this one because he don't wanna get his nut off! Guy #2: I told you I ain't goin' to your gay party, you can go get it in your shitter all you want to be I'll stay home with my keystone. Guy #1: Well if you don't wanna go do somethin' exciting and get laid you can have fun all by yourself sittin' on your butt plug instead of pluggin' butts like I will be, brother!

[tfbr-blog]

This Wednesday Live tales from the breakroom!

Come out and see comedians, including yours truly, and stage acted versions of selections from my living shitburg of a life! Can't wait to see some of y'all!

It's at 4227 Sping Grove Avenue in Cincinnati, OH on Wednesday, September 18th! Come have some drinks and some hotdogs and some laughs!

[tfbr-blog]

August 30th, 2013 - 12:15PM

Today we learn you don't try to cook for this man, he cooks for his damn self. Guy #1: I'd rather go grocery shopping myself, my old lady is just gonna fuck it up. Guy #2: Why? She probably cooking for you. Guy #1: Naw, I don't let her cook or shop. If she goes shoppin' she's gonna come back with some silly ass shit that no one wants and then she cooks it and it's gonna smell like spinach farts in my house for 2 days. Guy #2: Oh, she's one of them health nuts? Guy #1: Yup, she brought home an artichoke the other day and I looked at the list and I said 'Where's the steak? This don't say artichoke, it says steak. What the fuck is an artichoke?' and she's like (takes on a really high pitched Mr. Garrison type voice) 'Oh, well, it's really good for you, I saw it in redbook' and I'm like I don't goddamn care about no Richard Simmons bullshit, I want my damn steak. Guy #2: She coulda got damn both. Guy #1: She brought veggie burgers one time and I could damn punched myself in my own mouth seein' that so I got up, grabbed 'em and said 'You got three choices for dinner, a lollipop, an asshole or these veggie burgers' and then I throw 'em in the trash and say 'I'm all out of veggie burgers'. Guy #2 (laughing like that was the funniest thing he ever heard, also he has a kind of Revenge of the Nerds laugh): Buddy, I'll tell ya I would do the same, what'd she pick? Guy #1: Well I can tell ya this, she had the lollipop and I had the asshole.

Then Guy #1 winks at Guy #2 and they both start laughing and exchange goodbyes and walk out.

[tfbr-blog]

August 23rd, 2013 - 2:23PM

Tales from the breakroom mini: One of the mechanics just called me to remind me he was on vacation today and said "I just figured I'd make sure, I know you're busy and doing things outside of your box and stuff, hell, I'd forget my own asshole if someone didn't... text it... to me... everyday. Anyway, have a good weekend!" I feel like whatever metaphor or some shit he was going for really got away from him there.

[tfbr-blog]

August 15th, 2013 - 12:35PM

Today we learn what it takes to be a great song parodist and also uses for pringles cans. Guy #1 (looking at vending machine and singing to himself to the tune of "Changes" by David Bowie): Ch-ch-ch-ch-choices, time to buy some chips, p-p-pringles... Guy #2: That don't even make sense. Guy #1: What Don't? Guy #2: That song, we don't even have pringles in there, it don't make sense. Guy #1: It's funny, I don't give a shit. Guy #2: You coulda sang somethin' about Lays chips like Lay Lady Lay's or something like that, what you sang ain't funny. (yes it is - Justin) Guy #1: I ain't singin' that fruity ass song, I was just making up something and I like pringles. Guy #2 (grabbing dick): You like pringles so much, you can take THIS pringles can up your ass, bud. Guy #1: You stickin' your dick in pringles cans again? I thought the doctor told you about that. Guy #2: Told me I had to stick it up your puck so I can feel better. Guy #1 (bends over and starts eating his chips): Alright, if that's what it takes to shut you up then go on! Guy #2: You must like them big, hairy boys, don't ya? Guy #1: Well I like your ol' lady so I bet I do!

Then they both laugh and walk off together... So... yup! Pringles, everybody!

[tfbr-blog]

July 26th, 2013 - 12:35PM

Tales from the breakroom: Today we learn about Italian cooking and stay tuned afterward for the promised big announcement!

The Mechanic walks into my office and sits down heavily with a sigh, we see that he is carrying with him an eggplant about 2 and a half feet long, 1 foot around and then tapering down to about 5 inches at the top. Mechanic: Phheeeeeeeeeeewwwww... I'm about ready to take it to the house. Me: Like Trick Daddy? Mechanic: Do what? Me: Nothing, it was a bad joke. Mechanic: Yeah, you ain't too good at those. Me: Thanks. Why do you wanna go home so bad? Mechanic: I'm tired as fuck! Me: Well pretty soon you can go home and sleep. Mechanic: Naw, I'm gonna go home and have a few beers and then see what the ol' lady is doin'! (A guy enters looking for the mechanic but is immediately distracted) Guy #1: What the fuck is that? Mechanic: It's an eggplant! Guy #1: Oh, I thought it was your ol' lady's dildo! Mechanic: Naw, man, but I am gonna get it in her later on! (grabs the eggplant, stands it up on his crotch and begins thrusting up and down while laughing) Me: You're gonna put the eggplant in your wife? Guy #1: Gross, man! Mechanic: Naw, but I am gonna park my dick in 'er, she says it tastes better than this and you don't even gotta add cheese, but I'll tell ya she adds some sauce though! The Mechanic then winks at me as Guy #1 and he leave the room laughing and I contemplate never eating Italian food again.

Now for the announcement for fans of tfbr: On September 18th, 2013 at Mayday Northside here in Cincinnati, OH I have set up a stand up comedy showcase featuring a bunch of good pals, including Joe Pettis all the way from Atlanta, GA. Now this normally would be something I would just tell people through and invite but this time is special: In between comics we will be presenting live, stage acted versions of selections from Tales From the Breakroom! Exciting? Yes, it is! What else is exciting? It's completely free!!! Lineup, details and a flier forthcoming, get stoked!

[tfbr-blog]

June 21st, 2013 - 1:35PM

 Today we meet a man I should book on a comedy show for his ability at non-sequitors and also walking a room: Guy #1 (pulls out plastic penis whistle and puts it on the crotch of his pants): Hey man, remind you of anything? Guy #2: Yeah, seein' yer tiny pecker in the bathroom. Guy #1: Naw, mine is twice as big and not make as much noise as this one! (blows penis whistle) Guy #3: What's that? The whistle to let the sailors know your mouth is open for business? Guy #1: Nope, it's to let yer ol' lady know I need a beefy BJ! Guy #3: So you gotta put a dick in your mouth to get someone to put yours in their's? Guy #1: Sounds like a good trade off to me! But I found this in my lady's undie drawer, it's from her bachelorette party, there was a bunch of painted up dildos and some straws with dicks on them. Guy #3: I seen them ladies out at a restaurant the other night, but you kinda wanna go up to them and put your dick in their hand and see if they would even notice the difference. Guy #1: Yeah, I don't run around in public with fake pussy draped around my neck and shit, they are worse than we are. Guy #4: Women sure is worse than us, I seen these two girls downtown doin this (holds up hand and wiggles pinky around) and I gone up to them and said why you doin' that?? They was like, 'well I was with a guy had a weenie like that and so now every time we see each other we do that!' Ain't that crazy?? Guy #1: ... Yup. What's that got to do with what we was talking about? Guy #4: They was talkin' about his you know what! Everyone begins exiting slowly. Guy #4: You know, cause it was so small! Guy #4 chuckles to himself about it and literally says "heh, little peenie" under his breath and I'm pretty sure I heard Guy #2 exhale "dipshit". I want to know what a beefy bj is. Also, stay tuned in the next week for some very exciting Tales From the Breakroom news!

[tfbr-blog]

June 14th, 2013 - 12:55PM

Today we see the greatest comedy act since Abbot and Costello come to an end as it is interrupted by the greatest joke of all time... Also, not as much sexual content as usual, so good for these guys.

Guy #1: What you eatin'? Guy #2: General Chicken. Guy #1: What? Guy #2: General Chicken. Guy #1: Like... that's the name of the place? Guy #2: Naw, man, General Chicken! Guy #1: Well where is it from? Guy #2: PF Changs Guy #1: So they just serve chicken, like there ain't a name for it, they're just like 'here's some chicken'. Guy #2: Naw, man, it's General Chicken! Guy #1: I know, that's what I'm saying, it's just some chicken, ain't nothing special about it, just chicken in general. Guy #2: Naw, look! (hands over the box) Guy #1: Oh, it's General Tso's Chicken, I get it now. Guy #2: Yeah, man, General Chicken, I dunno how you pronounce that other Oriental shit. Guy #1: PF Changs sells food? I always thought they was like a martial arts place or sold like nunchuks and shit. Guy #2: Hell yeah they sell food, it's real good too! Guy #1: Yeah, it smells like it, it's probably expensive though. Guy #2: What is? Guy #1: PF Changs Guy #2: Oh, I thought you meant the General Chicken. Guy #1: No... Guy #3 runs in (literally runs full speed and excitedly) Guy #3: Man, I just heard the best joke! Guy #1: Was your ol' lady talkin' about your dick again? They all laugh. Guy #3: Naw man, yours was, said it made yours look like a tic-tac. Guy #1: Maybe a tic tac you buy at costco, motherfucker! Guy #3: Anyway, what'd the two iPads say to the two iPods? Guy #2: What? Guy #3: Lets get together and have a 4G! They all start laughing really boisterously and then I realized these guys just like to tell dirty versions of Bazooka Joe jokes.

[tfbr-blog]

June 11th, 2013 - 12:50PM

Today you get two for the price of none because I pay all tolls with my depreciated mental state. I walked in on the middle of this but stayed till the end because... Why not? Guy #1: I told her she's gotta stop sendin' me pussy pics. Guy #2: Why? Guy #1: Cause I don't want my ol' lady findin' out and I don't want my buddy findin' out! She said I should come over and fuck her and she wouldn't tell nobody! Guy #2: What'd you say? Guy #1: I said hell no, I ain't no buddy fucker. I ain't fuckin' around with my buddy's woman and she says she's gonna show my ol' lady the dick pic I sent her. Guy #2: You sent her stuff? That's how you gonna get in trouble. Guy #1: Nope, I ain't cause she was callin' me a dick and I said I'd show her one and my buddy was standin' right there when I did it so if he didn't want his woman to see it he shoulda stopped me! So I told her to go ahead and show my ol' lady, she seen it before! Guy #2: Well why'd you say somethin' happened this weekend? Guy #1: Well, cause I went over there and I fucked her but now I got them messages saying I wouldn't do that so if she says something I can deny it! Guy #2 (laughing): Shit man, you just wrong. Guy #1: Might be wrong but I still got me some of that spicy sauce taco so I can't be too wrong about it! Then they both laugh because fidelity clearly doesn't mean anything when faced with spicy sauce taco... Or something. Second tale from the breakroom: Over the weekend a driver got angry and took a dump in the urinal and clogged it up, the terminal manager is angry with the drivers so he wouldn't get anyone in to fix it so someone went up to the management bathroom and took a low growler in there, clogged the toilet and let it overflow so the water seaped down, built up and then broke the ceiling in the driver bathroom with piss and shit. So they call in a guy to clean up the mess and fix the toilets and this guy does that but then proceeds to open every door with the gloves we was wearing to clean up human waste. Seeing this I wipe down everything with lysol but then he walks back through with the same gloves, I am busy and forget and touch the knobs so... I probably have pinkeye and hepatitis and I have to drive to a gas station to use the bathroom for the time being. Great to be me!

[tfbr-blog]

June 4th, 2013 - 3:55PM

Today we learn what the price of a man is. Guy #1: Well it looks like my mom is gettin' a kidney! Guy #2: Good for you guys, man! Where's it comin' from? Guy #1: San Diego. Guy #3: Maybe she'll get a gay kidney! Everyone laughs. Guy #1: I don't care man, long as it works! Guy #2: You'd take a gay kidney? I'd be worried. Guy #1: It's a kidney. I'd take a gay dick if mine didn't work. It's all about how you use it! Guy #2: I ain't takin' no gay nothin', not even if you paid me! Guy #3: Yeah right, you'd suck the dick skin off an Arab boy for 20 bucks. Guy #2: Nope, I'd take that 20 bucks and wipe my ass with it and put it in his face so he could smell what he was missin'! Guy #3: How about 10 million bucks, tax free? Guy #2: Nope, I don't never do nothin' against the lord and you know it. Guy #1: Shit, for 10 million bucks I'd do it, I'd oil up my ol' ladies sister and chase her through a kiddie pool of moonshine while he rode on my back if that's what he wanted! Guy #3: I lubed up your ol' ladies sister before but it wasn't much of a chase goin' just kept crossin' that ol' hairy finish line! Everyone laughs.

I threw up.

[tfbr-blog]

May 16th, 2013 - 9:46AM

Today we learn that I work in a place where nothing really makes a damn amount of sense.

Guy #1: How you doin', buddy? Guy #2: Eh, alright, need to go home and take a bath! Guy #1: Yessir, I need to go home and hack some shit up, all that black stuff we breathe in in the morning. Guy #2: It was worse when we had diesel tow motors. Guy #1: Y'all had diesel motors? Guy #2: Yup, you leave here lookin' like a raccoon! Guy #1 starts laughing so hard he had tears streaming down his face. Guy #2: Just got white around your eyes and black everywhere else! Guy #1: Just like a brother eatin' out a Japanese woman. Guy #2: Naw, then he'd be all yellow, like he ate a bag of mustard, that's like the opposite of a raccoon! Guy #1: Well, brothers don't do that anyway, he'd just go and stick it right in there, pull his dick out and it'd be all covered! Guy #2: Call him Tyrone Oscar Meyer! Then they both laugh and laugh and laugh and I leave and leave and leave.

[tfbr-blog]

This one says "Rusty Porn" on the left and then on the right it says "I love my Rusty Bob". I understand the joke, but these guys just really don't like Rusty.

[tfbr-blog]

April 17th, 2013 - 11:00AM

Today we learn that if you don't know much about something you shouldn't talk about it. Guy #1: This guy sent me this card with this quote on it 'When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.' Now you guess who said that shit? Guy #2: I dunno, Gandhi or Mother Theresa or somethin? Guy #1: Naw, Helen Keller! (Everyone laughs) Guy #1: Now you tell me how that stupid motherfucker is gonna talk about doors? She ain't never seen a goddamn door! Guy #2 (laughing): That shit is hilarious, that's like a lesbo trying to tell you what a dick is like! (Everyone laughs) Guy #1: Or like a baby trying to tell you about a zebra or some shit. Guy #3: What's that mean? Guy #1: Cause a baby don't know a goddamn thing! Guy #2: Shit, you could be Helen Keller after saying that dumbass thing! Guy #1: Fuck you, motherfuckers, I'm just sayin' she shouldn't be talkin' about shit she don't know! Guy #2: NEITHER SHOULD YOU! (Everyone laughs super hard this time)