c a i n e n

• actions speak louder than words •

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor made sure that CJ knew what he was getting into. Plus, they were both fucked up and that was a plus, but he still didn’t trust him. They were nothing bit a few pair of broken souls and that was fine. “We don’t hug, we don’t stay up late to talk, and I definitely will not text you. And you don’t do the same.” He said, glancing at the other, making sure he understood what he was going on about. “.. not until I trust you.” He mumbled under his breath, hoping that CJ didn’t hear what he said. Shaking his head, he refused to even give up his apartment and he didn’t care. It was a nice place and no matter what, he still was going to sleep with that guy. “I know you’re trying to help, but I’m not giving this place up.”

[tfcainenjames]

CJ scoffed, looking at Castor as if he had two heads. He wasn’t trying to initiate some kind of relationship, he didn’t want to be Cas’ boyfriend or anything like that. He just wanted to help in whatever way possible. That meant that he wasn’t going to stop trying to help, but he wasn’t necessarily trying to change himself either. “I don’t text you and you don’t text me? How else am I suppose to talk to you then?” CJ raised his brows, crossing his arms as well. “Castor. You really wanna stay here? Sleeping with someone just so you have a place to sleep? It doesn’t make sense.”

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

For a moment, Castor felt like they were alike, in a way. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. It was only a matter of time before something happened. Maybe Castor was wrong about CJ being a user, maybe not. But he did know one thing – that he was almost confident that they were going to get closer and closer and then when one of them gets better, they would drift apart once more. “You don’t understand. You listen to me, okay? You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” He said, looking at the other, making sure he knew. Hopefully, he did. If not, then they were both screwed. “You’re not screwed up. You’re fucked up,” He chuckled lightly, shaking his head. “So am I, honestly. But that doesn’t make us friends again. That makes us nothing , got it?” He looked at him, making sure he was listening. Castor still hadn’t gained his trust just yet, he was still scared of something bad happening to afterward. One of them would move on eventually and put it all behind them, as if it was nothing.

[tfcainenjames]

CJ was listening the best he could, making sure to look attentive. He wasn’t kidding around, especially not after spilling his heart to the man in front of him. He was speaking him mind, nothing but honest things spilling from his lips. As much as he would love to just get up and walk away from this, he knew he wouldn’t be able to. Not at this point. And maybe there was a part of him that didn’t want to leave even if he had the choice to do so. He allowed himself to smile a bit at Castor’s comment, nodding in agreement. He was fucked up, but even in knowing that, he still wanted to help. “Nothing.” He shrugged.” Heard you loud and clear, we’re nothing to each other.” CJ aimed to make eye contact with the other, patting his knees before rising and sitting back down on his side of the couch. “I’m not kidding either, I’m here to help. If you wanna get out of this deal you have with whoever owns this apartment,” CJ took a second to look around, shaking his head. “I could help.”

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor was just in mixed feelings right now. He didn’t know if he should be mad at CJ or thank him for helping, but he was just glad? – yeah, he was glad that CJ was there. He really was. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was glad that CJ was there. Castor was conflicted and a little bit… happy but it was better than being angry at the world and it was definitely better than hating someone for something they did a year ago. “I feel like you’re bullshitting me right now. You’re just trying to do this for your own personal gain, aren’t you?” He questioned, looking at the other, arching his brow, making sure that he wasn’t kidding around. If CJ wanted to help, then he would have to know what he was getting himself into, really. Castor was all sorts of fucked up and he wanted to let CJ know that. Or hopefully, he knew that. “You need to know what you’re getting yourself into, CJ. I’m messed up and you need to know that. I am a mess, I’m a fucking – I’m ruined.” He said, making sure that CJ was getting the gist of it. Castor sighed softly, shaking his head, running his fingers through his hair.

[tfcainenjames]

For a second, it seemed as if CJ had finally gotten through to Castor. That caused his expression to soften a bit, but he still couldn’t help the fact that he was worried for the man in front of him. He wanted to help, he wanted to be there and do what he could to help his friend, because that was the only thing he could do. Try his best and see where it went. “No bullshit. I’m being real with you. Look at me...I’m being for real.” CJ almost wished he could lie right now, to say something other than what he felt. But it was out now, and there was no way to take it back. He wanted to see Castor happy again, he cared too much about this man to allow him to engulf himself in sadness. He needed him to be happy again. “I’m messed up too Castor, but nothing is gonna scare me off. No secret, no emotion, no thought. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to leave. Unless those words leave your mouth, I’m not moving.”

For some reason, CJ felt the need to be close to Castor now. They were emptying all of their emotions and getting them out, or most of them anyway, which was something they never really did before. He could tell Cas was nervous; hell, he was nervous too. But he wanted to show him that he wasn’t alone. It’s alright to be scared, but he’s not by himself in that. CJ wanted to be there for him completely. 

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor didn’t say anything, he just shook his head at the other, trying to not be so damn torn. Once the other was close to him, he was shaking, his hands were so shaky by now that he just.. he didn’t know what he was doing. “Nothing can put me back together..” He whispered, watching his hands shake, watching them tremble. Hell, he was never like this before so what caused all of this? Oh right. CJ and Griffin and that guy he was sleeping him in order for a place to sleep. God, he hated himself for it. He hated himself for everything. Even letting the guy choke him during sex. It was – it was horrible, but still. He couldn’t say anything about it but yet.. he couldn’t stay away from someone so.. troubling. “And then after you’re just going to leave? Smart. Fix the broken kid so you can have that small bit of decency left over and then once he’s fixed, you leave him alone so he could destroy himself even more.” Castor shook his head, not knowing what he was doing right now. Letting CJ in like this when he’s fucked up. “Just.. I know what you’re doing. You’re just saying all of this so then later on, you can just bring it up again when something bad happens?” Castor couldn’t believe CJ, really. He knew it was a bad idea, but then again, them being friends was a bad idea.

[tfcainenjames]

CJ didn’t know what else to say, he wasn’t sure how else he could get Castor to understand him. At everything he said, Castor has a clear rebuttal. And maybe that was fair, being so torn and completely over everything that had happened. But CJ didn’t want this to be who they were, he didn’t want to lie to Castor again. He wanted to prove that he could be open and honest, if only Castor would give him the chance. “I’m not going to ditch you. The only way I’m leaving is if you tell me to. One time, you tell me to go and I’m gone. That’s it.” He responded slowly, trying to make his words clear. “I care about you.” CJ figured if he was going to get thrown out at some point, which he truly believed he would, he should at least put it all on the table. Clear the air and get his thoughts out of his own head and into the open.

“It took me a whole fucking year to get it but I understand now. I don’t want to see you hurt, I don’t want to see your tears. I care about you so much that it hurts sometimes. Not being able to get you out of my head, wondering if you were happy. And now I see with my own eyes that you aren’t happy, you aren’t fulfilled. And I wanna fix that. You probably don’t believe me, but there it is.” Cj was still far from perfect, distant when he wants to be, difficult all the time. But he couldn’t deny it anymore, it would only cause him headaches. He felt deeply for Castor and his wellbeing, there was no sense in lying about that anymore.

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor was just ruined at this point. He didn’t know what to expect from anyone, much less CJ. Maybe he was trying to help him, maybe he wasn’t. He was a tad conflicted and he just didn’t know how to react by CJ acting like this. Maybe it was a game, maybe it wasn’t. Castor was a little naive, yes, he’d admit that but he wasn’t.. he wasn’t being himself and that’s what hurt him the most. His life was so full of broken promises that no one had known about and he just.. he was tired of it. He wasn’t soft anymore, he wasn’t anything anymore and hell, that’s the thing that hurt so damn much. “I’m already hurt. What’s the point?” He didn’t flinch, he didn’t look at CJ, not one bit. He was too hurt and way too damaged to let the other see. “I’m a little too damaged for anyone, I’m a little too.. flawed.” He chuckled bitterly, shaking his head, trying to get the tears away before anyone saw, really. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone by being alive, honestly. If anything, he wanted to stop breathing. He couldn’t handle to live a life where everyday, he was hiding something from his family. Hell, he didn’t have friends anymore.

[tfcainenjames]

CJ wasn’t playing any games, he couldn’t at this point. The honesty was so painfully written on his face, that even the most naive person would know that he wasn’t playing around. CJ leaned forward, being a lot more careful than he would’ve ever been. “Well tell me how broken you are, tell me so I can help. Broken things can be put back together again Cas.” That was rich coming from the man who couldn’t repair himself. But he knew he could handle the pain, he had been like this for a long time now, so there was nothing new. He had learned to shut down and become distant. He also knew that Castor didn’t have to be like that. He could be the person he once was, bringing light into people’s lives. He brought light in to Cainen’s life, when he so desperately needed it. And now it was CJ’s turn to return the favor. Somehow. 

“Hey,” He said, his deep voice lowering in volume. “I’m here now. I mean, if we both try to get you back to a good place, it could end well. You have nothing to lose, Cas.” His hand landed on Castor’s knee, a small gesture, not suggestive in any way. It was the equivalent to having someone pat your back, or rub your shoulder. He was trying to comfort the wavy haired male, to let him know that he was being for real. CJ was opening himself up, finally being genuine with someone and was hoping Castor wouldn’t make fun of him or turn him away. He didn’t want to regret the decision to feel something for Castor. He needed this to be a good choice for the both of them.

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor had never felt so exposed like this before. It hurt so much and hell, he just wanted to disappear for a while. He wanted to move out and he just didn’t want this anymore. He didn’t want to be broken anymore. He wanted to be the old him, the one that was so fucking happy all the time. But, no. It had to be this way. He had practically shut everyone out and he wanted it to be that way. Castor never trusted anyone ever again, not after Griffin. “Why the fuck would you want to help me?” He glared, wiping the tears away, sniffling softly, soon looking away from the other, feeling ashamed in himself for acting this way in front of someone. In front of CJ, he might add. He didn’t want it to be this way; but hell..it hurt so much to be like this and Castor didn’t want to be like this. He didn’t want to be broken, he wanted to be happy again. He wanted to smile but he couldn’t. Not anymore. It was like the smile faded away and the darkness came to ruin his life. And he let it. As CJ was right in front of him, Castor slightly looked at the other, his tears coming down, one by one, hearing what he said. He didn’t want to let him in, not this time. He knew what he was getting into – but maybe CJ would be able to help. Maybe. “Why are you trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped?”

[tfcainenjames]

CJ felt exposed as well, for some odd reason. The fact that he was here with Castor and trying to show him how he felt, it was odd. CJ never believed in showing emotions like these unless it was to get something he wanted, to pretend he cared in order to get something from another person. All of part of the sick game he used to play, the sick narrative he wanted to portray. But not this time. This time around, the hurt in his eyes and the sadness he felt was real. Possibly the realest he ever felt. He needed to help Castor because..well..he cared for him. He had a lot to think about when they were apart, when Castor rightfully pushed him away. And seeing him like this confirmed that Cainen felt something for the man before him. He wanted to see him happy again because maybe that would make him happy too.

“We both know you need the help. Whether you want it or not. You don’t want to cry like this, you don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want that for you either. And fuck, I know you shouldn’t trust me and I’ve been the worst person in the past but,” CJ took a breath, looking over the tear streaked face in front of him, wanting to wipe each and every tear from his face. “I just want you to be happy. That’s all. There’s no hidden motive. If there comes a time when you genuinely doubt my intentions, other than now I guess, just tell me to go away and I will. I’ll leave you alone, no questions asked.”

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor felt so ruined at this point, really. He just felt disgusted with himself but he wanted to stop fighting himself and he just wanted to feel something. Hence, him sleeping with someone. Castor just wanted to feel something. He wanted to be able to feel something. He felt so fucking numb and he just – he allowed someone to come in and fuck around with him because he was so used to that. First CJ, then Griffin and then this guy. He was so used to the bad guys that he didn’t mind anymore. He never felt anything whenever he was in bed with the guy, really. It was numbness.

“I am nothing to you. Nothing. You don’t want to help me! You don’t. You don’t care about me, you don’t want anything to do with me.” He remained his ground, but he was so torn over this. He was torn apart and no one could help him. “You don’t want to help me..” His voice was shaky and tears were sliding down his cheeks and hell, he couldn’t bear to look at CJ right now. “No one wants to help me. I’m a mess, I’m a huge disaster.” He knew it was right, he knew he was right. No one did want to help him at all.

[tfcainenjames]

The brunette truly wanted to help his old friend out, and be there for him in ways that he hadn’t been before. It was sad to say, but now they were in a place where his intentions would be questioned. CJ would just have to deal with that, hope that he could still get through to Castor, and let him know that he meant nothing but the best this time around. CJ was a bad guy, and no he shouldn’t have been trusted..be he wanted to make things better. He needed to help.

“Let me help.” He responded calmly this time, running his hands over his face trying to calm himself further. He didn’t like seeing Castor like this, so broken apart and lonely. Cainen wanted to be the person that could show him that he was better than being used, and deserves better than who he surrounded himself with. CJ wanted to show him that he was a changed man. Not completely, but working on himself nonetheless. 

CJ stood up, walking to stand in front of Castor before he could will himself to sit back down. He kneeled down, his knees bent, until he was crouching right in front of Cas. He lifted his head a bit to look at Castor, genuine worry in his eyes. “Just let me help.” He asked again, pleading almost. He didn’t have a course of action, no set plan. But he knew that if Castor really wanted help, then he’d do that. They could work together to get Cas to a happy place again.

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Before Castor was like this, he was happy, smart, he knew better of himself and now he’s a disaster. No one would even recognize the man they saw anymore. It was like the nice Castor died and this guy - this Castor replaced him and no one knew him. Hell, Castor didn’t know him. To even think that he would be okay for once, he didn’t. He felt like a mess - a bad mess and he also felt like a slut for sleeping around, but that was his nature now. Castor wasn’t there anymore and that’s what hurt everyone. He used to call his mom and tell her about his day, but now he doesn’t. He doesn’t do anything. Someone insulted him one day and he hit them. Maybe it was a reflex, maybe it wasn’t.

“You don’t understand. Okay? You just don’t. It’s for me to live here and it’s for him to do whatever he wants with me. You don’t understand.” He didn’t look at CJ. He just didn’t. The fact that he had to sleep around to live somewhere hurt the shit out of him, but he needed the apartment badly and no one understood that. “You don’t want to help me! If you wanted to, you could have helped a long time ago. But you weren’t there. You fucking weren’t and look – now, I’m a mess.” At this point, Castor wanted to scream and cry and do something but he couldn’t. He felt so hurt and he felt so upset that he just didn’t know what to do. “You weren’t there.. so you don’t know what happened. You just don’t know anything because all you care about is yourself. You are selfish and I bet you don’t actually care about me. You are just pretending to care.” He fought the urge to cry, he really did. But as soon as those sniffles came, he wasn’t going to stop crying.

[tfcainenjames]

CJ’s problem wasn’t with the fact that Castor was sleeping around, he could sleep with whoever he wanted to sleep with, he could do whatever he wanted with his body and CJ would understand and support him. His problem was in the fact that someone was taking advantage of him, someone was using Castor for their own gross need and amusement, and it clearly wasn’t enjoyable on Cas’ end. And even though CJ never gave Castor enough credit, he knew the other man was better than this. He was better than simply being a tool to use when needed and thrown away when that person was done. CJ felt disgusted with himself for allowing this to become who Castor was, he started this cycle and so badly wanted to be the end of it.

“I’m here now, Castor!” He shot back, his voice a little louder than it should’ve been. “Fuck, I’m here. Right here! I wanna help you and be there for you and show you that I’m not evil. I want to get you away from this man, whoever he is. You don’t deserve to be used. No one does. And it took me a while to learn that, but I don’t wanna see you like this. I don’t wanna see you hurt and crying...just..let me help you. Please.” It wasn’t like CJ to beg, and it also wasn’t like him to look so hurt, to feel so strongly about how someone else was treated. But he didn’t have time for his ego, he didn’t have time to worry about his pride. Even if Castor laughed at him, or told him to leave, CJ would be hurt of course, but mostly because he wouldn’t be able to help like he should’ve. 

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor wasn’t going to calm down, not right now, he wasn’t. He was so piped up with anger that he just.. he felt so angry and he wanted to punch a wall or hit someone. “And I shouldn’t have trusted you. Because I knew that somehow, it’d bite me in the ass and I’d get hurt. Hell, I shouldn’t have trusted anyone. Not you, not him, no one.” The fact that he had gotten like this mentally and emotionally bruised him and he just didn’t know what to do anymore. Every day, he was getting torn down by his persona, by how he was. “Trust – look where it gets me. I’m the one who’s like this and I’m the one who’s obviously sleeping around with someone who’s paying for this fucking apartment.” He laughed at himself, just hating the fact that he got so dependent on someone now.

“No, I know. You’re heartless. You wouldn’t do shit for anyone, much less me. To you, I’m nothing. To you, I’m just some stupid idiot who fell for you.” He retorted, his attitude and his tone more – more angry, more dark. Castor had taken a moment to himself to think, to regain his consciousness, to fucking not be so hurt. “You don’t have to help me. You’re just doing this because you feel bad for me. If I weren’t like this, you’d fucking be gone. You wouldn’t care. Hell, you wouldn’t give a fuck if I just ended up somewhere, facedown in a ditch.”

[tfcainenjames]

CJ was truly at a loss for words. He didn’t know what he could say to even defend himself at this point, since he had never felt what Castor is feeling. Of course he knew about feeling alone, CJ was the master at shutting people out. He could end a conversation as quickly as it started without feeling any remorse. Though, his situation was different than Castor’s. His reaction was to harden himself at an early age, to play games and twist people to how he wanted them to be. Cas on the other hand? He clearly wasn’t made for that. He used to be sweet and open, trusting and maybe even a bit naive. Looking at him now, you wouldn’t have guessed that he used to act differently. You could still see the hurt in his eyes, the way he blamed himself...CJ was never this way, so he truly didn’t know how he could possibly help.

“You’re sleeping with them? Castor. No, this isn’t a good situation for you. You’re naive, but you’re smart. You fucking know this isn’t gonna end well.” For the first time in a long while, Cainen’s expression was horribly clear, and plastered on his face. He was hurt, worried, sad for the man in front of him. Is this what it came down to? Sleeping with someone just because he needed security and a place to sleep? “You don’t know me. You can’t read my fuckin’ mind, you don’t know what I’m thinking. So do us both a fucking solid, and stop pretending you do. I get that you’re hurt, and I understand I won’t be able to relate in the way you need me to, but fuck you’re not the only person in this world with emotions Cas. I wanna help, I really do, but you keep saying things like that and I’m slowly starting to realize that maybe I should be who you keep saying I am. Maybe that’ll make it easier for you. Would it make it easier? For me to just walk out and act like I don’t care? Would you heal better that way?”

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor wasn’t like this before. He was nicer, better, happier. But then everything happened and this is what he became. He was broken, sad, hurt, angry – he didn’t like it, but there was no way to mend it at all. “Are you implying that I was stupid before?” He asked, his voice a bit harsh; but he wanted to know the full answer. Castor wasn’t stupid, he was just.. he trusted people too much and hell, it hurt so much. No one knew how much he was hurt because he never talked about it, he never expressed it because he always hid it behind behind a smile. No one could help him at this point, really. Not even the guy who was paying the bills for his apartment. It was no secret, but Castor was also sleeping with that guy. He just didn’t want people to know or they would ridicule him and call him rude names.

“You’re only helping me because I’m like this. If I weren’t, you wouldn’t care at all. You wouldn’t be here.” He scoffed, shaking his head, not letting anything or anyone, rather, get to him. “Why would you want to help someone so broken? Huh? For your own personal gain? For your own game? It’s not funny, CJ. Being like this fucking hurts and you don’t know how it feels like.” Castor sighed, looking at the floor, studying it for a while.

[tfcainenjames]

CJ’s head shot up, eyes meeting the other’s for a moment once he heard the hostility in Cas’ voice. He obviously was offended, even if CJ didn’t mean in such a harsh way. “Calm down.” He said firstly. “You’re just..naive. You let anyone in, you trust too often, you care too much. I’ve seen it firsthand, how welcoming you are. Hell, you gave me a chance knowing I was a bad guy. And of course I fucked it up, and of course you got hurt. So you’re naive, but you’ve clearly changed.” Cainen didn’t recognize Castor now, he was angry and it just seemed...darker. He wasn’t exactly sure of how he felt about it in many words, but he knew he didn’t like it.

“You don’t know that.” He responded just as quickly as Cas made the comment. There was no real way to know that he wouldn’t have been sitting right here trying to help under any other circumstance. Maybe a year ago, when he took Cas for granted, he wouldn’t have offered to help. But CJ wasn’t like that now, his changes were subtle, not at forward as Castor’s changes were. But he had improved nonetheless, so that had to count for something right? “I’m not playing any fucking games, I’m trying to help you. You aren’t in a good place, Cas! Am I supposed to see you like this and not care? Is that what you want?”

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

“I don’t need someone like you to come back into my life again. You are nothing but toxic. And I can’t - no, I know I can’t trust you.” That was a little harsh to say, but it was true. It was like CJ fed off his pain or something. Castor didn’t deserve this at all and he certainly didn’t deserve to be in this position. Yes, maybe at one point they were happy and they could talk like people do, but it was different now. It was completely different - the tables flipped and now Castor realized that he was always going to be alone. “I don’t. Not anymore.” It was like his faith in CJ or people was gone and he just didn’t believe or trust anyone. He felt so guarded up now that he just didn’t feel anything but he was so fucking exposed and he felt so.. disappointed in himself.

“I don’t need help. Not from you. I’m fine where I am.” He was so calm about the fact that he had someone paying for his apartment while he went off to school still, but he had to pay the person back somehow. “I’m fine where I am.”

[tfcainenjames]

CJ hated to admit it to himself, but Castor was completely right. He was toxic, and toxic people were nothing but trouble. He didn’t ask to be this way, just as Castor didn’t ask to be so broken. Sometimes shit happens and you just turn out the way you do, CJ couldn’t change it. “Well at least you’re smarter this time around.” The brunette nodded, letting out a long sigh at the fact that he couldn’t figure out anything else to say. He didn’t want to leave Castor like this, but really what help was he here? What good would it do either of them for him to stay and continue to make things awkward. And even in knowing he couldn’t help, he also couldn’t figure out how to will himself up and walk out. To save them both an unnecessary argument. 

“Fine, you don’t need my help, or want it really. But you need help from someone who is gonna actually give a shit about you Castor. A genuine care. Whoever got you this fucking apartment is using you, I don’t know what they could be using you for but it doesn’t seem real. Like..” He sighed again, becoming angry with himself because he was rambling. “I just don’t know. This shouldn’t feel right to you, just like it doesn’t feel right to me. And I don’t like seeing you like this. As heartless as you think I am, I still wanna help.”

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor didn’t know why CJ just came out of nowhere to do this. He knew that he was just fucking around with him so why wouldn’t he say anything? Unless he was being serious. There were so many fucking times that Castor was serious and CJ took it as a joke and well, of course, it resorted to all of this. To Castor being the one getting hurt for being too sensitive or keeping things on that he just burst out of nowhere. “We’re out of hand? No, we - there’s no we anymore. You know why? Because I’m too fucking hurt to even think about being your friend. To even think about doing anything with you ever again. I don’t think I can trust you or anyone else again.”

That was his biggest secret and it was out there because CJ wanted to know because he wanted to be a ‘friend’ to Castor. The sandy haired male didn’t have friends anymore, not for a while. “Don’t worry about it. It’s no one. It was my choice to sell my things. That’s why there’s barely anything of mine in here,” Castor was so.. he was different. He was sensitive, he was broken, he was misunderstood but yet? He made it. Or so he thought. “You never made any promise to me whatsoever. And honestly, I don’t have friends anymore.” He whispered, reminding himself that he was alone in this world, that he had no one at all. And he was fine with that.

[tfcainenjames]

“No..I know I meant, we..as in separately. I don’t me we, as if we’re together.” CJ quickly explained himself, shrugging it off, only to perk up again as Castor continued his statement. Ever again? CJ supposed he deserved that, he deserves to be cut off entirely. That wouldn’t stop him from missing the wavy haired male though, that wouldn’t stop him from wanting to be around the other, to hear him laugh, or see him smile. There was a time where they were okay, where they could be happy and interact like people instead of hateful creatures. A time where not every interaction between the two turned into an argument or a reason to yell things and hurt each other. CJ was pretty sure the sex ruined them, when things became sexual is when he found out for Castor’s feelings and used him as an outlet, used him as much as he could before Cas said enough. “I deserve that. You don’t have to trust me, man. Not at all.” He nodded, understanding completely.

“You say shit like that and tell me not to worry? It doesn’t make anysense, if you’re in a bad situation let someone help you at least.” CJ realized it sounded like he was pleading, so he tried to cover it up, but the subtle and worried expression on his face wouldn’t cease.

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor didn’t know why he was even in this position to even tell CJ these types of things. They weren’t exactly friends nor any thing else, so why should it even matter? Castor was just this small person that hardly anyone seemed to care about and if and when they did, they would only see him break down like now. “I don’t need you say or do anything because you already said it.” He reminded the other of the diner from the other day, as if it was still engraved in his mind. There was so much hatred and so much.. distinct in his life that he didn’t need anyone that hated him to tell him that because he was already beginning to hate himself. It hurt, but still. And every night, he’d look at himself in the mirror and remind himself of how much he did hate himself.

“I needed money and I almost.. I was so desperate and I was willing to fucking sell my body for money. For this apartment. Thank god I didn’t have to because I’m not the one paying for it.” At this point, he felt exposed that he just wanted to build up his walls one by one all over again, so he wouldn’t get hurt, so he wouldn’t have to experience this type of thing again. “No, but I can hate myself for it. And I do anyways, so what’s the point?” Castor ran his fingers through his hair, laughing a bit, taking this whole thing as something funny; but it wasn’t. “We aren’t friends, CJ. So why should I believe anything you say?”

[tfcainenjames]

CJ said a lot of things he shouldn’t have, he did a lot of things he shouldn’t have as well, but that didn’t mean he hated the other. Most of the things he said, were because he was hurt, or felt exposed. None of those things were ever said because he meant them, well..most of them anyway. Being called a monster had really hurt his feelings, so he’d say anything to hurt the other back. Though he clearly took things too far. “We’re out of hand.” He huffed, running his hand over his face. “You say things, and I say things, and it’s just..bad. It’s really fucking bad. And clearly, I can’t take it back, but I didn’t mean everything I said to you. And I’ll keep telling you that until you hear me and understand.”

CJ looked over at Cas with big eyes, not really understanding any of this, it just didn’t make any sense. “So wait, who’s..who’s paying for this then? I mean fuck, you shouldn’t have to sell anything Castor. Your body or your belongings..” CJ should’ve been there for him. They had their disagreements and maybe it was juvenile of CJ to think this way but, they were friends at one point. Castor held a spot close to CJ at one point, so he’d always have the other’s back in times of serious need. “Because, I said I wouldn’t walk in here and try to make you feel better by telling you lies. I’m keeping that promise.” He wanted to get up, he wanted to console the other, help him somehow, but he knew he couldn’t and that Cas wouldn’t allow him to. And maybe that just added to the overall pain of seeing him like this.

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

“Yeah. You win. I hate myself more than I should and that’s telling you something. I go counseling for this problem. It’s called self hatred.” He said, looking away from the other, trying hard to not break in front of the other. He couldn’t, anyways. It’d hurt him too much and he wasn’t in the mood to be emotionally and mentally hurt again. “I think you take great pleasure in seeing me this way. I think you’re just doing all of this because you’re going to laugh at me later on and make me feel even more like shit, CJ.” Castor spoke without thinking and he knew that CJ would say something and snap again and he couldn’t deal with that. Not again. He couldn’t stand it.

“Nothing is going to convince me to stop hating myself. Nothing. Don’t you get it? Not a thing in this world will make me not hate myself. I almost – nevermind,” Castor said, though, he mumbled the last part, trying to not think of the shit he went through just for a fucking apartment out of town. “I am an idiot. I really am. And if you say I’m not, I’m gonna punch you in the face because I am. I fell for two people who fucking – who just used me.” Castor shook his head, sighing softly, completely focused on how much he hated himself and how almost everyone he knew hated him as well.

“I’ll be fine - just don’t even worry about me, CJ. I’m not some kid who needs any guidance.” He let out a small, almost breathy chuckle, not even looking at him. “It’s fine.” He whispered, knowing that it wasn’t really fine at all.

[tfcainenjames]

CJ definitely knew what it was like to experience self-hatred. Though, he had never broken down like this in front of anyone before, he didn’t know what it felt like to have your emotions bare, even when you didn’t want them to be. Because he highly doubted that Cas wanted him to see any of this. “I don’t, dammit Castor. Why do you say shit like that? Like you want me to be a monster? You want me to hate you or to say that I like seeing you in tears?” CJ didn’t understand why this man had to counter everything he said, if CJ said right then Cas had to say left? What purpose did that serve? CJ shook his head, wondering what had broken Cas down to this point. Was it both him and Griffin? Were the two of them capable of making a person hurt this much? Apparently so.

“Almost what?” CJ’s brows furrowed, looking right at Castor. “Almost what, tell me. And, you’re not an idiot. So I guess you have to punch me in the face for speaking the truth. Everyone does dumb things, it’s a part of life. You shouldn’t blame yourself for liking the wrong people.” Used him. That part was true and CJ wouldn’t argue. He couldn’t speak for Griffin, but he definitely knew that on his part, he should’ve treated Castor better. “Don’t tell me not to worry, seeing you like this? I can’t expect to do anything else besides that.”

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

“I know how you feel toward me, CJ. It’s not exactly like, it’s not exactly love, it’s hate. And you’re right. I do deserve this. I cheated first and then Griffin cheated. So, I guess you win.” He sighed softly, knowing that he’d never get over anything that CJ said because it was true. All of it was. “Terrible people like me.. they don’t deserve to have anyone in their lives,” Castor couldn’t even look at the other without being so – without being like this. He knew everything he said was right. Castor was just wondering why someone like CJ would even see him in this state. The state where he would blame everything on himself and where he would shut himself away from people. He hated it, but it was him. It was actually Castor.

“I can’t calm down, what the fuck. I can’t get out of my own mind, CJ. I can’t. And I don’t want anyone here to even see how I’m.. doing this. Self loathing. I hate myself more than anyone hate me. And yes, that includes you as well.” Any sane person could tell that Castor was at the point of self destruction but they wouldn’t say anything about it because they wanted him to figure it out at first. For a while, he was clueless and then, he got it. He figured it out. Somehow, it wasn’t about him and Griffin anymore. It was about how he was doing this to himself – self destruction.

After CJ slid inside his apartment, Castor closed the door, locking it before he even walked into the living room, to find a seat away from the other. They were just there to talk and nothing else. Castor had hated himself more than anything and that was a fact. Once seated, Castor fiddled with his fingers, nervous as ever.

[tfcainenjames]

“I win?” CJ questioned, crossing one leg over the other, trying to get comfortable in a home he didn’t recognize. CJ wasn’t playing some sort of game, he didn’t have a underlying motif. He wanted the best for Castor even if he has a shitty way of showing it. And he didn’t realize how special Castor was when he saw him, and used him, but now CJ understood. It was a shame that it took such a long period of space for him to actually get his head out of his own ass and see that. “You think I like seeing you in tears? Blaming yourself for a mistake you made over a year ago? Things happen, Cas, people make mistakes. Griffin obviously didn’t know what the fuck he had when he went looking for someone else.” CJ could honestly speak, and say it came from personal experience.

“And I don’t know what it’s gonna take to convince you that I don’t hate you. What’s it gonna take for you to stop hating yourself, actually? Forget me, and what I think honestly. You shouldn’t hide yourself in here and cry all day, over someone, people who don’t deserve this kind of emotion. If you knew yourself, who you are? You would wipe your fucking face, acknowledge that you made a mistake or two, and then continue on. Don’t let that guy ruin you man, it’s not worth it. Don’t let me, or anyone else do it either.” CJ wasn’t one for pep talks, because they didn’t come off the way he meant them all the time, but CJ couldn’t have been more serious in this moment. Seeing Castor like this seriously fucked him up. 

“I want to wipe your tears away, but I’m worried that if I even get up to grab you a tissue, you’d think I’m was up to no good.” His empty attempt at a joke, but an attempt nonetheless. He was trying not to show how much he missed the other, how glad he was to be sitting across from him, wanting to reach out and comfort him but knowing well enough to keep his distance.

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

Castor was.. well, he was broken down and he didn’t like it. He hated feeling this way and he felt like he wasn’t good enough for anyone anymore. It hurt, yeah, but soon, he’d be better. Or not. Castor tried so hard to not be so weak and yet, someone like Griffin broke him. Thus, being the way he is now; but that still didn’t help at all. “You said it yourself, CJ. You hate me and I hate myself more.” He chuckled bitterly, shaking his head, mentally hating himself more and more. “And you meant it, just like he did.” He said softly, hardly even looking at CJ, it was too hard to even look at him.

“After I told him about what we did, he walked out, and then came back, drunk, with someone else. And yes, they fucked on the bed we slept in. Then, days later, he would degrade me and tell me that all I’m good for is being used for sex.” Castor slightly looked at CJ, knowing that the words that Griffin said were still there, still burning in his mind. “Why the fuck are you being so fucking nice to me? Because I’m like this, you think it’s okay to just – nevermind. Stress and all of this causes panic attacks, my counselor told me to not be stressed.” He took deep breaths, hoping that he wouldn’t have an attack in front of CJ, at all.

Maybe CJ was trying to be a decent person and Castor was just too stupid to see that. “Just - why are you here?” He asked once more, not really having the need to even talk to anyone at the moment. Yes, he just wanted to be isolated for a while and hopefully, he’d be okay. “No, I just – whatever, come in. But don’t touch anything yet, I’m still in process of things.”

[tfcainenjames]

“Don’t tell me what I do and do not mean. Because you are aggravating, and you always try to dismiss what I say, but it does’t make me hate you. I makes me angry, but I...I don’t hate you Castor.” CJ highly doubted he would ever be able to hate the man in front of him. See, he wouldn’t admit it, but CJ need the other more than he could admit. More that he would allow himself to say, even in his mind. Their friendship meant something to him, especially since he didn’t allow many people close enough to consider them a friend. And then Castor had found a way through, but their relationship became complicated, and CJ had lost Cas for what seemed to be forever. And even though they stood face to face now, CJ wasn’t sure Cas would ever believe him when he said he missed the other, or genuinely cared enough about him to not leave the wavy haired male in a fit of tears.

“Then just calm down. Stop worrying about why I’m here, or if there’s some hidden motive. Because there isn’t. I’m literally telling you to just talk man, get out of your own mind for once.” CJ threw his hands up in the air, just wanting Castor to stop second guessing what was going on here, and just fucking talk. He didn’t want to be asked the same question a million times, especially not when that time could be better used to help Cas through his relationship drama.

“Yeah, alright.” He nodded, sliding past Castor to make his way in, trying not to be too forward in finding someplace to sit. It had been a long while since the two of them were alone, truly alone, and CJ was sort of grateful for it. Though he wouldn’t preferred it wasn’t on such a sad and emotional occasion. 

[tfcainenjames]

[ 004 ]

[castorgrimaldi-blog]

“You don’t need to apologize. You’re right. All I am is a cheater and cheaters don’t deserve any sympathy from people.” He hid his little sniffle, looking down at his feet, not believing that CJ was there to apologize, but he wasn’t going to say it out loud, no. He was going to keep it in his head. Like how he w - is a dirty cheater and he’s so fucking sensitive that someone like his ex or CJ could make him feel like this, make him cry. “Just say what you have to say so we can move on from all of this because I know you hate explaining yourself and I know you hate me,” He said, laughing bitterly, letting whatever CJ said from the other day get to him.

A part of him wanted CJ to leave but another part of him wanted to stay and he couldn’t admit that. Castor was broken and he just - he needed someone there for him, but if CJ was just going to pity him and judge him for it, then he could forget about it, really. “Yeah, I think you would because I’m fucking sensitive. That day in the diner? That was the first fucking day I ever told anyone what happened between me and Griffin.” His voice kinda just broke at the end, knowing that he would start crying once more, he couldn’t help it, really. He was an incredibly sensitive person and it hurt so much.

“Just - look, I don’t need anything from you. I’m just wondering what the hell you’re doing here,” He sighed a bit, trying to calm himself down, at least before he bitched at anyone else and before he would start crying and he didn’t want that, no. He wanted to just.. be himself and not be so weak; but Griffin, fucking Griffin hurt him more than CJ did. But he didn’t admit that at all. “Why are you trying to be nice to me? Hm? You’re always such a dick and now you choose to be civil?”

[tfcainenjames]

CJ was screwed. He said he would leave if that’s what Castor wanted, but it wasn’t the truth. CJ absolutely hated when people cried, and while he and Cas weren’t on the best of terms, he still wasn’t going to leave him like this. He could be an asshole, but he wasn’t completely heartless. He listened to Cas talk down about himself, a pained look spreading onto his own face, to even have to listen to this at all. Had Griffin really broken him down this much? “I don’t fucking hate you.” He said as if it was common knowledge. “I just say things when I’m angry, Castor.” He was trying his hardest to not seem as if he was pitying him or anything of that sort, like he was only saying things to make Cas feel better. Because that wasn’t the case.

“You hardly told me anything at all. He cheated, all right, so then what? What really happened? Talk to me, yeah? I’m standing here, and you know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t listen to you without a reasonable ear.” He looked around, letting out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “I won’t pat your back and say ‘poor Cas’. I’ll be real with you, talk to you like you’re a person instead of...of some broken thing. Just let me in, let me come sit, and you can talk and I’ll listen, and then when I’m confident that you’re at least a little better, I’ll go back home. Just keeping shit in isn’t healthy for you, not someone like you.” 

Someone good. Is really what CJ wanted to say, that Cas was a good person generally, and holding things in, harboring old bitterness wasn’t good for him. “I’m always a dick?” CJ stared him down for a split moment, but decided not to take offence for once. “Cas fuck, either let me be nice or tell me to go home but don’t make me stand out here and beg to come in, because that’s not gonna happen. So are you letting me in or not?”