Goodbye.....
ooc: Okay I wrote this like three weeks ago before Amy died in me. She was really depressed and bitter and while none of this is relevant anymore, it was just her final thoughts and feelings. Ignore it, I just needed to post it as her last huzzah or whatever.
I felt like they knew each other inside and out. Amy was willing to do anything for Teagan. When she got off drugs, it wasn't easy, but she used Teagan as her strength to keep going, even when her brother left. She leaned on Teagan even harder, trying to convince herself that letting people in didn't always lead to one getting left behind, but she was wrong. She felt like Teagan was distancing herself from her. It was something she tried to convince herself over and over that was true, especially now that she was willingly submitting to Teagan. She wanted to believe that kind of thing to mean something, that they had a bond. When Teagan requested that they move slower, be open, Amy agreed without question, her only wish was to make Teagan happy. She would have agreed to anything Teagan asked, and while she tried to blame herself or rushing things, deep down she knew that there was something wrong. Amy didn't know what to do to keep Teagan happy. Maybe she was just happier being free, so Amy let her be free.
But things were different on Amy's side of the world. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't really bring herself to be with anybody else. She would flirt and flirt, but never really care to seal the deal. Amy felt like she was broken, but all she really wanted was Teagan and she was beginning to hate herself for it. She wanted so badly to have that need to be free so that like Teagan, she could find comfort and happiness in the arms of another, but it was no use. Her path had led her to a few new friends, the closet being Jason - the first person since Teagan that she felt like she formed a bond with. But soon he left, proving that people you let in leave in the end. "Not everyone get a happy ending." she said to herself.
Still, Amy pressed on, even though Teagan was beginning to shut her out and a new girl had gotten Teagan's attention over Amy. She felt sick everything she saw them. It was understand able why this chick had feeling for Teagan; she was beautiful, smart, sexy, great in bed....but if ate Amy alive knowing that Teagan was having feelings for someone else. Amy tried to shut it out, but the things she read on Teagan's blog broke her heart. There were nights that Teagan left to be with this girl that had Amy crying herself to sleep. It was hard to breathe at times, and no amount of booze and drugs that she swallowed were helping. The night she got nosy and went though Teagan's phone and read messages between her and Bradley was her breaking point. Old habits die hard, and there was nothing to stop Amy from dragging a razor across her pale skin and bleeding out the feelings she didn't want to keep inside, but she couldn't. More than anything, Amy didn't want to back track to the girl she once was. She didn't want to feel weak.
She tried to be strong and let everything work itself out. She had hoped that letting Teagan go would bring her back to her, but it wasn't working. Nothing was working. That bitch didn't even cared that Teagan was taken. She had no shame or cared for Amy's feelings at all and it all but made Amy go to her house and attack the girl. But that wouldn't bring Teagan back to her either. Nothing would. Teagan was lost to her forever, and the fact that she took off after Sean's death, talking about it to everyone but her own girlfriend, made Amy crack. There was nothing more there between the two of them. There was only pain on Amy's side, regret and longing for another on Teagan's. The hole in Amy's heart grew bigger and started to ache, pushing her to the decision that she really did need to let Teagan be free for her to be happy and for her own pain to stop.
Teags,
She began on the loose leaf paper that she pressed to the counter, tears dripping from her eyes with every word she wrote.
I don't really know how to do this. I don't usually. I mean I don't write letters, I just go. But you're different, so I thought that I should try, you know. So like, this hurts and it's hard, but I'm leaving. I don't know if I couldn't keep you happy, of if you're just not the relationship type cause you can't stay with one person before another sweeps you of your feet cause you're desirable like that and shit but, I know I'm holding you back. That bitch who's on your jock all the time wont stop till she takes you from me fully, and she already has you partially. I don't really know what else to do, I tried being good girlfriend and whatever but I just don't know how to be one. Maybe I shouldn't take all the blame, maybe I should, I don't even fucking know anymore. All I know is that my heart is broken because of you and I never thought that would happen. Maybe it wasn't meant to be or some shit like that. Maybe while I was thinking that I was the one, you already moved on and I was holding you back. So, I guess this is me setting you free. I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope that you can find someone who can keep you happy enough that your eyes wont wander and your heart wont stay. I don't know if it will be, but for selfish reasons, I really hope it's not that homewrecking cunt who I really wanna curb check. But even if it is, I hope she's good to you. I love you with all my heart, I always will because you fucking got to me, you know? I really wanted you, and I just hope that you can find someone who'll keep you happier than I could, cause you'll never find someone who loves you more than me. I like, love you that much...enough to let you be happy with someone else while I die inside. So take care of yourself, cause I know you can do that better than anyone else can, and frankly I don't trust that bitch or anyone else to do it. I'm going to Washington to stay with Jase for a while, Sammy is there too, then I don't know where I'll go, but I'll miss you. Like, a lot. And I love you. I feel like you should know that New York will always be special to me because of you. I found love here, even if is came with heartbreak, and it's the longest time I've ever stayed in one place and that' really only because of you. You are my fucking everything, never forget how much I love you. You'll always be in my heart. You were it for me.
Love forever and ever, your Amy.
Goodbye, Teagan.
Amy's face was soaked and stained with tears as she signed her name, her body shaking as she folder the letter up and wrote Teagan's name on it, then left it on the kitchen counter under a glass so it wouldn't blow away. She glanced at her phone and broke down. It wouldn't be long now before Teagan go home from school, and Amy didn't want to be here when she did, otherwise she would never be able to leave. She glance around their apartment, her gut churning as she dried her eyes with the back of her sleeve. She recalled every memory of their short time together and a faint squeak came out of her mouth as her heart thumped in her chest. Amy picked up her backs and dragged them over to the door. The apartment looked emptier without her things laying around. She wanted so badly to stay and run her fingers through Teagan's long soft hair, to kiss her sweet lips one last time, to hold her and make love to her, but she knew it wasn't possible. Clutching her heart, Amy pulled her key off her keychain and kissed it before placing it next to the letter and heading out the door, forcing herself to make it down the hall, into the elevator, and out of the building without looking back.
