kay @thatcharismaticwriter - Tumblr Blog

･˳ . ⋆ these days i am taken back to the summer we loved

loving you losing you- jay one shot

pairing- jay x f.reader

summary- loving jay was like a dream, a dream so happy you knew he wasn't yours...

or where jay tried to break away from the system of soulmates but fate had other plans for him... and you.

genre- strangers to not lovers (uh oh), soulmate!au, college!au, first love, fluff, angst

word count- 7.7K (can yall hear me scream outta joy??)

warnings- profanity, mentions of drinking, my writing (lawl), sad ending (sorry not sorry)

taglist- @en-chantedtomeetyou

A/N- happy belated jay day <33!! Omfg my first ever oneshot?? I still cant believe i just had the motivation to finish this wip😭😭... its my first time ever writing a long fic so it maybe a bit all over the place but i really enjoyed writing this hehehe! So i hope yall enjoy this :((! try listening to this playlist for more feels it really helped me in the writing process! the beach scene is slightly inspired from 2521

note- this is purely a work of fiction and in no means depicts the idols' real personalities or the relationships between them.

･˳ . ⋆ subtle loneliness

Jay was never the one to believe in fate or destiny or even the fact that there was something like an 'other half. Despite having parents who loved each other and having their soulmate link, Jay never bought it. In a world where every individual was connected to another through some link, be it matching tattoos or the ability to feel someone's pain, he hadn't found his.

For him, it was bullshit. Who even was fate to decide whom he loved? ('Well, no one but, honey, you can't meddle with how it's meant to be', he still remembers his mother's words.)

Maybe as a kid, Jay used to sit long hours in his bedroom, willing to feel his soulmate's link, search for any tattoo and even write on his palm with hopes they'd reply.

Nothing ever happened and as he started growing older, he saw people around him meet their soulmate, he saw the way their eyes lighted up in their mention or the way they used to talk about their other halves.

He grew distant... different. It wasn't easy to be always the odd one out.

Even as Jay tried to go against it and casually date people in his high school, he realized how true his parents were. It never felt right, the feelings were never there and even if they were, they died too soon. In the end, he was left alone.

Which brought us to the present time of Jay's 3rd year in college. He sat on a creaky cafeteria chair observing his friends. Heeseung was busy on his phone messaging his soulmate, Yunjin,. Jake and Lily sat across him, laughing at something Sunghoon just said, their matching flower tattoo glowing dimly.

Looking at them, he felt this sort of loneliness fill in him, the type which made him want to runaway from his life. He had loving and supportive parents and friends who wouldn't leave him but deep down, Jay felt empty. Empty because despite his opposition against the system of soulmates, he knew he yearned for one. He yearned for someone who'd understand him, someone with whom he could share the love he saw in his parents.

'Yo bro, you going to the party today?' Heeseung's voice cut through Jay's thoughts.

'What-? Oh at Yeonjun's place right?'

'Yep', Sunghoon replied getting up. 'Time to get highh- ouch!' He exclaimed as Sunoo smacked his head from behind.

'Shut up, pretty boy. I ain't taking you home', the latter said, walking past the table where they sat.

'Oh c'mon Sun!' Sunghoon whined, following his boyfriend out of the college canteen.

Jay chuckled at their antics. It was almost... cute, he couldn't lie.

Keep reading

･˳ . ⋆ deep conversations with a drunk stranger

You weren't supposed to be at the party. Hell, you should have been studying for a test scheduled next week but being friends with Somi did have its disadvantages. Such as being dragged to some college party as the designated driver.

It wasn't like you hated parties. Quite honestly, you thought they were sort of fun and sometimes getting drunk seemed like the perfect option. But on that particular Friday night, you wanted to be anywhere but at your senior Yeonjun's house.

'Y/N it'll be fun i promise!' Somi begged you, dragging you out from her car to his door. 'No. You are just there to hook up with some guy.'

'Whatever. I am loyal to my soulmate!' She stuck out her tongue whilst pointing towards the black ink on her forearm.

'And who knows', Somi said, entering the house which was presently filled with half-drunk college students. 'Maybeee you could meet your soulmate today.'

You sighed, pushing past people, at the same time waving and smiling to some. 'Sure. My link-less soulmate', you replied sarcastically.

You realized she was leading you to the kitchen which was comparatively quieter but you could still spot a couple out in the distance.

'Hello ladies! What would you like in this fine evening?' The person sitting at the bar counter said, spotting you both.

'Hey Sunghoon, what you got?' You best friend asked the boy leaning against the counter.

'Some beer if you wanna stay with your senses or maybe something stronger. What about my specialty? It has been a hit today.' 'Fine... Lemme judge your bartender skills.

He turned towards you, 'And for you...?' 'Water because I need to drive this bitch back to dorms', You gave the blonde haired girl beside you a pointed look.

She grinned before her eyes squinted, following some guy. 'Ay sunghoon! You know that boy, standing 9 o'clock? Is he taken?'

'That's... Beomgyu. And no, lucky for you, he is pretty single.'

She clapped her hands, almost like scheming her plan. 'See you later, bestie!' Somi gave you a flying kiss, taking her drink from the counter and walking down the hallway.

You sighed, being left alone, your other friend Gaeul was down with a bad flu. You gave Sunghoon a tight lippped smile, accepting a glass of water.

An hour later, you found yourself moving to the backyard of the house. After spending an excruciatingly painful time trying to strike conversation with drunk students and avoiding being pulled into the dancing crowd, you escaped.

The night had cooled down a bit and the spring breeze hit your face, you walked up to the open. But what you didn't see was the figure already sitting in the dark.

'You can sit down if you want to.' You flinched at the sudden voice, turning to face the boy sitting down on the empty backyard.

You considered your options. You could go inside into a crowded party and not have to have a one on one conversation with a stranger. Or maybe you could avoid all the noise and do some small talk with a person who was kind enough to even offer you a seat.

You nodded, seating yourself down beside the boy on the steps. Only then did you notice who he was, 'Park Jay...?'

'Oh, so you know me?' You shrugged in reply. You had heard of him, the handsome and studious guy and spotted him in passing.

It was the first time you had ever seen Jay up close. And to be honest, he was just as gorgeous as you had heard people around you gush, maybe even more.

Almost as if you could look at him the entire day without getting bored.

The boy beside you questioned, 'And you are?' 'Y/N. We are in the same year, in case you're wondering', you added, half knowing what his next question could have been.

'Nice to meet you, Y/N', he extended his hand, giving a wide drunken grin. You shook his hand. It was the first time you had seen him smile because all the other times were from some other end of a college hallway. And you wouldn't lie, it suited his otherwise serious face.

A comfortable silence settled between you two for a while. You both looked ahead. Jay looked up as if counting the stars and you stared at the small garden. You could hear crickets chirp in the distance. And if it weren't for the fact that you had a friend to drive home to, you would have snuggled up in the back yard and slept.

'So, Y/N', Jay's voice suddenly boomed around your environment, as if crushing the calmth which surrounded you both. 'Do you believe in soulmates?'

This caught you off guard. Why would even a stranger be asking you this? 'Uh, that's... random.'

'Just answer me. I'm tired and I wanna talk to someone', he replied, somewhat impatiently.

I mean, what harm could it be? It was a typical topic of conversation and you needed some distraction to keep yourself awake.

Sitting up straighter, you looked towards him whose eyes were distant. 'Well, yep, I do.'

'You must be one of those lucky people who found their soulmates early in life, huh?' He whispered under his breath, not meaning you to listen.

'Actually no', you replied calmy. 'I... don't have a soulmate. Or even a link for that matter.'

It didn't faze you anymore. The fact that you didn't feel any physical or mental signs of a soulmate. Some people did consider it weird. But it was all okay for you.

Jay's head quickly turned towards you. 'So, there are people like me?'

'I'm sorry?' 'Guess I'm just like you, Y/N.'

Your stomach flipped at the new information. You hadn't thought of ever meeting someone who had much the same problem as yours. 'Oh. That's well... new?' 'Why do you still believe in it?' He asked further.

'Why not? Imagine being with someone who understands you so much that it's crazy. Don't you think it's pretty amazing how two people are connected since birth, destined to meet? I feel that's kinda magical. In a cruel world, sometimes it's worth believing in fairytales.' Jay's eyes were closed but he was listening to every single thing. Almost as if your voice was calming him down, putting a stop to his racing thoughts.

You then added, 'You aren't different, Jay. You just need some time.' Well, this is what you always said to yourself.

'But what about my soulmate? What are they waiting for?' he opened his eyes and you noticed how dark his eyes were but they held a soft subtle innocence in them. Even though Jay had a casual smile on his face, his eyes said otherwise.

You weren't an expert in reading people but you thought you saw a bitter loneliness in his eyes. It reminded you of yourself, which made sense. And for some reason it made you feel sad too, it made you want to take away his sadness.

'They are there somewhere. Don't worry about them. And I hope you find them, just at the right time. Just when you need them. It's hard I know, to go about your day seeing all the people around you together.' You trailed, checking the time. 'Oh fuck! I think I need to jet. Gotta save my friend from making bad decisions', you chuckled, getting up.

'Can you read my mind, Y/N?' Jay wondered. You laughed, 'Oh yes! I'm secretly a psychic. Bye for now, Park Jay.' You waved him goodbye, your thoughts slowly getting occupied with those concerning Somi as you made your way down the hallway.

Jay muttered a small adieu, his face resting on his cheek. He felt lighter and giddier for some reason. Like, excited to meet you again. Something in the way you talked made him listen to your voice again and again.

･˳ . ⋆ almost... complete

Jay didn't believe in fate but after that night he hoped that he could see you again. Even if it was just to talk to you once. All he knew was your name. He was starting to forget your face which he had seen in the dark in a drunken haze.

He may have almost forgotten the sound of your voice a month later if it hadn't been a somewhat familiar voice calling out to him when he was somewhere in the depths of sleep.

'Uh sir, excuse me. We are about to close', you said, lightly tapping the shoulder of the boy who seemed to be asleep, his face down on the table of the cafe where you worked. All around him were pages and books and his laptop was wide open beside him, its screen dark. Typical college student things you could relate to.

Since starting your shift three hours ago, you had seen him in this position. Your only hoped that he hadn't fainted or anything due college pressure. That may have caused you some trouble.

The person before you slowly started to stir after your continuous calls. It was almost 11pm and you couldn't afford to be late to an early class tomorrow.

Seeing him lift his head off the table, you moved away.

'Who wha-' Jay yawned, rubbing his eyes to see his surroundings only to find your widened eyes staring at his sleepy form. His stomach dropped at your sight, moreover at the thought of you finding him sleeping like that. 'Oh fuc-' he hastily patted his hair and wiped his chin for any signs of him drooling.

You tried to hold back your laugh upon seeing him so flustered. You wouldn't lie, he did look adorable, quite a contrast to studious and mysterious vibe he had going on. 'Jay, we meet again.'

'You work here?' 'I mean, I wouldn't be wearing the barista's uniform if I didn't', you replied teasingly.

'Sorry. My bad', he rubbed his forehead. 'How long was I asleep?'

'More than three hours for sure. It's closing time and everyone has left. I suggest you pack up', you pointed at the mess on his table.

He realized what he had done. Slept when he should have been completing his assignment. 'No. It's due today', he whispered to himself, softly banging his head on the table.

'Here', you came from behind the counter and placed a cup of coffee in front of him. 'In case you need to pull an all nighter. This really helps.'

Jay quickly sat up seeing you. He was taken aback, 'I- uh can't accept this.' 'You have to. Now, quick, I need to go back home', you said, closing any room for arguments.

Jay awkwardly stood beside you, finishing his coffee as you locked the cafe. Patting the lock twice as a part of an old habit, you started walking with Jay following in tow.

You wouldn't lie, you were kind of nervous by his presence, you didn't even know why. Plus you were at loss of what to say.

Okay, maybe that wasn't the case... you did have questions for him like why was he so tired, what was his major, who gave him even the permission to look so attractive without even trying- (oh, that wasn't part of the script). Hell, you wanted to know him better and maybe even befriend him. And of course, you hadn't been thinking of him a lot since that one Friday night (ps, it's a lie).

'Sooo', you stopped in your tracks in an attempt to start up a conversation. 'Tough week?' Jay chuckled, catching up to your position, 'You know, you don't have to start a conversation just because we are so awkward.'

Fuck? Your cheeks turned pink in embarrassment, 'Uh-' 'But yep, I haven't had proper sleep in a while. Just have these assignments piling up which sucks.' He let out an exasperated sigh, 'Be a business major, my dad said, it'll be fun.'

'I can assure you that a creative writing major ain't any better', you rolled your eyes, walking up to the bus stop.

'Wait that's so cool!' Jay exclaimed and he meant it. He wasn't at all the creative type and he really marveled at how people could make others feel so much with words.

'Uhh it isn't as cool as it sounds', you scrunched your nose in disgust. Jay couldn't help but feel his stomach do a back flip at your expression. Dude, what is wrong with you? Why are you being a creep? His inner voice scolded him.

'But yea, it's fun when I'm not drowning in- oh the bus is here!' You announced looking at the familiar last bus that ran to your apartment.

You got in, finding a mostly empty vehicle aside from two sleeping college students and a man returning from work. You turned back, raising your hand to wave at Jay only to find him climbing behind you.

'Wait you live south of the campus too?' You asked, confused.

Jay made a surprised face, 'Ah yes! Just a bit farther away from there.' 'Weird I haven't ever seen you in this route.'

He laughed, which you assumed to be, nervously before going a taking the window seat.

You stood their in the aisle wondering whether to just sit beside him or take another one. You knew you should just find another place, considering how empty the bus was but weren't you both having a conversation?

A conversation you didn't want to end...

Jay didn't expect to feel a presence beside him as he looked out of the bus window. Surprised, he turned to look at you staring back at him.

When you saw him looking at you, you quickly ducked your head and cleared your throat, 'Ahem, so as I was saying...' you trailed, questioning whether he wanted to hear your useless banter.

'... About writing? Tell me more about it', Jay eagerly completed for you.

A small smile grew on your face. 'Tell me when you get bored, okay?' You jokingly warned him. I could never get bored of you talking, he thought but nodded nonetheless.

'Well, this would be me', you said, seeing the bus near the stop situated just a block or two away from your apartment. 'Where do you live?' You asked him as you took your bag.

'Uh', the boy stuttered for a second. 'The... next stop yep', Jay gave you a smile, internally slapping himself for the answer.

'Oh', you nodded. 'It was... nice talking to you, again.'

'I'm pretty sure the first time doesn't count', he chuckled. 'Message me once you reach home', he blurted out and then realized what he had just said. He wasn't even as close as a friend to say something like that, what was he thinking?

You felt your cheeks warm at his concern (?). Honestly, you found it very cute. 'Sure Mom', you teased him. 'Bye Park Jay!' You waved, getting down.

His lips quirked upwards, waving back to your slowly disappearing figure before taking out his phone and checking where he was. He had never, for the life of him, even ventured into this side of the town. Mostly he didn't have any need to.

Yes, he had just taken a different route and ended up quite far away from his dorms. All because he didn't want to let a chance go to talk to you.

After he was out of the bus and sitting on a bench, the dim streetlight shining on him, Jay sighed waiting for his cab and rested his head on his cheeks, he wondered out loud, 'what is happening to me?'

He knew it wasn't normal for him to be like this, use up the time talking to you when he should be doing his assignment. But you had an aura around yourself, something about the way you talked, the things you talked about, all seemed to pull Jay towards you. He had noticed the way your eyes sparkled when speaking about something you loved and how you were just as attentive to hear him rant.

He wasn't used to feeling like this, almost... complete.

･˳ . ⋆ against all odds

After that day, you talked to Jay almost everyday. Be it long deep text conversations or a good morning or have a nice day across the hallways, he could always find you somewhere. Sometimes you both ditched your friend groups to have lunch together because it was kind of boring to sit there with couples all around, you both claimed. Somedays you studied together at the library where you found yourself taking small nervous glances at his concentrated face.

But, at least for you, you just enjoyed his presence. Enjoyed how easy it was to strike a conversation with him, talk to him like old friends. Enjoyed how despite being kind of serious, Jay was very funny and he always found a way to make you cringe with him dad jokes.

It was all the small little things about him that just made it harder to not adore him. Like when the time he was willing to take abandoned kitten homes despite being allergic to them. Or when he tried the coffee flavors you were experimenting with, even though, they all tasted awful.

It didn't mean anything else, right...? we are just friends for God's sake! you told yourself. But then why were you feeling giddy at the sight of him walking up to you? Why did you feel your stomach do a sudden turn as he neared you, a soft smile on his face?

'Ready?' Jay asked. You nodded and noticed how casual yet handsome he looked with an oversized t-shirt and shorts. Well, he knew just how to pull any look. ('You know, you could have just chosen a fashion major', you had said to Jay once when he was contemplating his life choices).

'Let's go!' You exclaimed, skipping your way ahead of him. He chuckled behind you, feeling his heart warm at your childish action but then grumbled about how crowded it'd be at the Uni's summer festival. You turned to face him and stuck out your tongue, 'Too late to cop out now!'

You thought it was kind of a crime that Jay hadn't ever been to the festival in the past two years (for his defense, he said that the it was filled with soulmates. 'How can you know if you haven't ever gone there?' You counter questioned him). So, this year you took it up to yourself to drag the boy.

However, surprisingly, it wasn't as hard to convince him as you had expected, just a bribe to treat him to free coffee every week and win him something from the fair.

So, there you both were, walking through the festival, with various stalls set up by the students. You could see Somi in the kissing booth and Gaeul was probably somewhere with her soulmate, Hueningkai, hosting a bake sale.

'How do you like it?' You asked Jay, walking side by side while searching for the game stalls. 'It's... okay. But hey, I was right, this place is filled with soulmates.'

'Omg c'mon now! Let them be. Just because we haven't found ours doesn't mean you have to be so anti-romantic', you playfully slapped his shoulder. 'There it is!' You spotted it, pointing at the ring toss game.

You pulled him through the crowd. Jay noticed the way your hand was tugging at his wrist and he felt a jolt of electricity run through his body at the contact.

'Oh Jake?!' You exclaimed upon seeing Jay's friend at the stall.

'Y/N!' He replied enthusiastically. You hadn't hung out with his friends much but the times you had they had been nothing but warm, especially Jake who was always willing to talk to you.

'What are you doing here?' Jay asked in a flat voice. 'Making money, mate.'

The Australian guy then noticed your hand circled around his and wiggled his eyebrows at his friend. Realizing what he was implying, you quickly dropped his hand, embarrassed.

'One ticket for the game', the tall boy beside you said, breaking the awkward atmosphere that had settled and taking out his wallet.

'Hey! I pay', you scolded him. He turned to look at you with bored eyes, 'Yeah right, no way.'

You sputtered, 'B-but I forced you to come here, I should pa-' 'Which gives me even more reason to pay because you did succeed.'

You grumbled, defeated and knowing how stubborn he could be.

'So, you get four chances with one ticket', Jake said, handing you four rings. 'Make all these four through the pegs and you get a prize. A smaller prize if you get three pegs down.'

You nodded, determined to win.

What followed was your very hard attempt to throw those rings in place. You didn't realize how bad of a hand-eye coordination you had until only one of the rings made it to the peg. 'Fuck! Wait I don't get anything for one?' Jake shook his head, giving a sad smile.

Beside you, Jay chuckled, 'Tried your luck? Let's go.'

'Nope! One more ticket', you took out the money from your bag, beating Jay to it. 'Okay phew!' You prepared yourself, tying your hair.

Jake cheered, 'Y/N you can do it!'

You couldn't. 'Nooo! What the hell!' You cried in defeat, looking at the four hoops that had landed at different places, one even hitting Jake on his head.

'Oh God. You are terrible at this. Here, lemme show you', Jay said obviously done with how poorly you had performed. 'Last round.'

He came behind you, one hand touching your shoulder and the other one holding your hand. You stiffened at it, feeling his breath near your ear.

This was normal, right? Normal for a friend to touch your hands oh so gently and guide it so that you could win the prize?

But I have already won my prize you thought, turning your head to look at him carefully instructing you, his eyes on the game. You didn't know how to stop the blush from settling, seeing Jay so close, his dark eyes sparkling in the setting sun. It felt almost... magical.

Magical but deep down you knew, wrong because he wasn't your soulmate and you weren't his.

In the daze you were in, you didn't realize when and how he had put four rings through the hoop. 'There!' He exclaimed, removing his hand from your. 'That's how you do it', Jay said, flicking your forehead.

'Ouch!' You tried your best to break away from your thoughts, shaking your head and making a face of fake annoyance. 'But ugh-!' You pouted. 'I wanted to win it for you!' You whined

He chuckled, taking a plushie, 'You can still claim it like you won it for me, hm?'

'Fine.' You snatched it from him, turned around for a second before offering it to him, 'My dear friend Park Jay, here is my bribe for bringing you here. Please accept this little offering for I have won it with all my blood, sweat and tears!' You proclaimed proudly.

Yea, quite some eyes turned to your direction but you didn't really mind it. Jay cracked up, before pulling you away from the game stall, 'C'mon noe. Gosh, dramatic much?'

You grinned, 'Only for you.' Playfully bumping your shoulder with his.

He brushed it off but his mind was somehow stuck at your earlier three words. only for... him? It shouldn't account to much, but it did.

After going around the festival for another half an hour, greeting some of your friends, (forcibly) eating the burnt cookies Gaeul had made and stuffing your mouths with some much better food, you both made your way to the open area where the live band took place. It was the star attraction and your college was pretty famous for it.

The best thing was that anyone could come up on stage and sing their hearts out and the audience would follow them. Even before starting college, you used to come there alone to enjoy the vibe.

And now you had Jay with you.

Night had fallen by the time the first band stepped up, hyping up the crowd. Luckily, it was a clear evening, the stars shining bright as the songs started flowing in.

The first few were soft melodies, you swayed your body to the beat and watched Jay standing beside you, his eyes on the stage. You wanted to decipher what they said. Were they mesmerized? Did he feel bored? Was he thinking of something?

Jay wasn't a very expressive person. The only time you had seen him in a fully vulnerable state, filled with feelings, was the night you met him. But you didn't want him to be like that, you didn't want him to hold back his emotions.

So, you took his hand. Jay, surprised, turned to face you. You shrugged and smiled, raising his hand with yours, moving it with the song.

While you closed your eyes, he was still looking at you, his lips parted apart which slowly turned into a small smile. He studied your features one by one, eyes filled with adoration.

And that is when Jay realized. He didn't need any soulmate or his other half if he could spend all his time with you. Like, at that moment how you both were dancing to some fast track; panting, screaming and shouting like everyone else. He didn't need anything else if he could see you smiling, staring into his eyes with orbs filled with joy.

There may not be fate connecting you and Jay but it was fate that had brought you to him and at that moment he felt he wouldn't give up on you, even if he found his soulmate.

'And for the next song, I'll request you to partner up with your soulmate and if you haven't found yours, grab the person who's closest to you', the lead singer said.

Before you could look for a friend or anyone, Jay turned you towards him. 'The person nearest to me, you', he whispered, pulling you a bit closer. You nodded, feeling butterflies going wild in your stomach, unable to look anywhere but his face.

A guitar started to strum in the background and the low, sad voice of the singer followed it. It was a familiar song.

Jay bathed in the lyrics of the song, singing along to Jaurim's 'Til Death Do Us Apart'. You placed a hand on his shoulder and intertwined the other with his fingers. He looked into your eyes, '죽음이 우리를 갈라놓을 때까지 (i'll not let go of your hand that i take).'

'오, 그대여 내 손을 잡아요 (my dear, hold my hand)

이제는 혼자가 아니야 (you're no longer alone)'

You didn't know what passed between you both at that moment but you realized that somewhere along the past few weeks, you had crossed the line of being mere friends with Jay, or rather your feelings had.

Or else you wouldn't be resting your head on his shoulder, feeling his voice flow into your ears like some age old melody you had been searching for...

'Til the death do us apart

'Til the end of the world...'

Later that night, Jay lay awake on his bed, thinking back to the feelings that had dawned on him. He felt a smile make the way to his face as he thought of you. The way you lighted up the world or rather his. He hadn't ever felt so connected to a person. He knew that the feelings he had been harbouring were more than just passing emotions.

Could it be possible...? Possible that you were what he was searching for the entire time. Neither of you had a link, so it could make sense. Jay sat up, the sheets rustling under him.

'Bro, sleep and wipe the lovesick smirk off your face', Heeseung yawned from beside him. 'No I'm not-' he tried protesting.

The other boy turned to face him with a deadpanned look, 'You look different. As in, happier.'

'What...' Jay was confused, he didn't feel that way.. okay maybe that was a big fat lie, he did feel... well, something!

'You know well enough what I mean, Park. Don't act like we are blind to you and Y/N. See, Jay, you have always been kind of a... how do I explain it? Somewhat of a pessimistic sad person, using sarcasm to mask yourself, which I totally understand. But these days, dude, you are more open and free and I think it's because of her...'

Jay didn't know how to react. Heeseung was right. He did feel like meeting you sort of took away the sense of loneliness set deep within him. Not only because you were like him but also because you were you. Always attempting to have fun, to pull Jay out with you, like that one time you both dance in the rain with your friends even though normally he would never. You had a subtle wild and playful side to your deep persona.

'Do you... do you think we could actually be together if I tried?' He asked his friend, his eyes on the dark ceiling.

'Now I don't know the chances of her being your soulmate but even if she isn't, do you want to take the chance to be with her? It's up to you, Jay.'

He was right. There was no gurantee that you both were meant to be but he was willing. He was willing to take the chance.

Against all odds..

･˳ . ⋆ maybe this moment would last forever

In the days that followed the night of the festival, Jay seemed changed, but in a good way or so you hoped. You noticed, in small ways, how he smiled more often, seemed happier when around you and randomly gave you compliments. Jay was a naturally helpful person but somedays you could find him waiting outside your class or walking you home which was quite afar from his, despite your protests. ('See as a good friend, it is my duty to accompany you back home late at night', he said once. You had scoffed, 'Speak for yourself, Park. You are literally scared of everything.')

This was unlike him but what was unlike you was that you liked it. You liked how he made you feel- giddy, excited and blushing. You had had fleeting crushes before but with Jay it was something more because with each little interaction, you found yourself falling more and more.

Love was a strong word and for someone who had never got a sign from their soulmate, you were even more wary of it. In fact, you couldn't even say how it felt. Did it feel the way your parents used to cook dinner together in the kitchen, looking into each other's eyes, having some secret moment pass between them?

'Hey, Y/N', Jay called out to you in a low whisper as you both sat at a secluded corner of the library. You looked up from the short story you were working on for the past hour. It was due in a few days and you were stuck at just the most crucial part if the story.

'What now?' You questioned, rubbing your forehead in slight frustration for running out of ideas. 'Wanna ditch this for a while?'

'Look, Park, you may be having a nice time with assignments right now but I'm struggling to write the ending', you glared at him despite wanting nothing more than to close your laptop shut.

He clicked his tongue, 'Which gives us even more reason to have a little fun, hm?' 'Since when do you give up on our studying session?! You asked, confused at what he was saying. 'It's my job to take you on random adventures!'

How can I even study when you're the only thing in my mind? He thought but replied, 'Guess I should take over your position. Now, give yourself a break, Y/N.'

You sighed but gave in. A break wouldn't hurt... right? Plus, it was Jay so you knew you would have said agreed after some persuasion.

'Where are we going? Are you kidnapping me?' You demanded, packing your things. He winked, 'You'll see.' Your heart did a flip at his action and you couldn't help but wonder what had been taking over your friend (? Or crush? Or the literal love of your life?) for the past days.

'Okay, is this a trap to drive me to my death?' You huffed, sitting in Jay's car, remembering that one time he had offered to drive you home and you had to take over the wheel considering how bad he was driving.

'Don't worry, I don't drive that bad. Trust me.' 'The only thing I cannot do', You lied.

'Are we going...' You trailed, turning your face away from the rapidly changing scenery and looking towards the boy heavily concentrated on the road. He gave a quick smile, 'To the beach? Yep.'

'You know, I could have driven us to there too', you protested seeing how tensed he looked. 'But I wanted to kind of... surprise you', he muttered.

You stopped, staring at his face. God, you couldn't even help it but to giggle at his words. 'Caught you there, didn't I?' He smirked.

You whispered, not meaning him to hear you, 'You did...

You felt his hand on yours. 'Focus on driving, dummy.' But he didn't remove it. A blush caught in your cheeks as you rested your head on the seat, looking ahead. It was almost 6 in the evening but the sun was still up there, thanks to summer.

The beach was quite far from the campus but a mundane happiness filled you, driving down the empty roads, singing along to the music playing. You could hear Jay's soft voice sing under his breath as he slowly gained confidence in his driving. 'You should sing more often, Jay.' it sounds like honey.

'Finally!' You exclaimed, jumping out of the car and seeing the beach spread before you. You squinted your eyes in confusion, 'But why is this so empty?'

Jay came up behind you, taking your hand, 'I drove us to a quieter part. I accidentally discovered it during my first year when me and Sunghoon bunked our classes. Let's go!'

'You know we could get sick, Y/N!' Jay screamed at you as you splashed water all over his shirt.

You teased him, 'Too late! You suggested that we- yah!' You shouted as he suddenly attacked you. He laughed at your shocked face.

'Park, you'll pay!' You warned, searching the sand for anything you could find.

'What are you doing?', he asked, curious before widening his eyes at the sight of you picking up a stray rock and readying yourself to chase him. 'Are you crazy?' He ran in the opposite direction.

Jay turned around to find you catching up to him, laughing, the rock held high up your hand. The wind blew your hair in different directions and the sun casting beautiful patterns on your face. Jay thought he hadn't seen a sight so free before.

He fumbled for his phone, taking it out and snapping a picture before you could protest. 'Delete that!' You demanded, upon reaching him and softly hitting him with the stone.

Jay shook his head, pulling you with him closer to the shore, the waves washing up to your feet and the feeling of the sand slipping under you. 'God, I missed this so much!' You muttered to yourself. 'And I missed feeling so complete', he said.

Your face lighted up at his words. He was a lonely boy and you were a lonely girl but maybe that is what completed your friendship. You both were so alike that you loved small differences you shared.

'What are we? Kids?' Jay asked, sitting beside you in front of his car, waiting for the fireworks.

'Maybe. But I liked this. I like feeling like we are some dumb 10 year olds instead of adults', you said looking ahead at the horizon and reflecting back on the past hour where you both ran around the shore, writing your names on the sand, drenching each other in water and bathing in the happiness that those moments brought.

It felt special, like you didn't want to let it go. 'God, why do I feel like this moment would last forever?' You wondered out loud, a sinking feeling in your stomach knowing how it will end in a matter of few minutes. 'Maybe it will.' Jay scooted closer to you, resting his head on your shoulder.

You looked down at his soft hair and grinning face and put your hand around his shoulder and nervously put your head on his.

For once, you seem to forgot that he wasn't your soulmate, you just wanted to convince yourself that maybe... just maybe Jay could be the one.

You now think how foolish you were to be blinded by those delusions.

'You once said I'll meet my soulmate just at the right time. I guess that didn't happen but I met you, just at the right time. I don't think I want to give up on being twenty or in love with you. I want this summer to last forever, I want us to last forever', his voice came like a soft whisper, the words blending into each other inside your brain as you tried to process what he had just said. You stared back at him, your heart leaping at what he had just said.

The four lettered word you had been scared of. But at that very moment, you thought love found a meaning for you. At that very moment when you saw Jay's face nearing yours, his eyes sparkling with some hidden thought.

However, you knew what they said. Love. 'I love you-' He couldn't complete it because the next moment, you cupped his face, pulling him closer into a kiss.

And that's when you found the meaning of love. It was simple, soft like landing on a bed of feathers, but it was also like a spark, like the fireworks you could hear in the distance as his lips moved in sync with yours in the dying light of the summer, saying the words you don't think you'll ever have the courage to utter. Love was a grand thing but sometimes it just meant spending a summer evening at the beach, letting the feeling of youth wash over you. Sometimes it meant playing a game you couldn't win.

And it was also the moment when you understood what heartbreak felt like because after you broke the kiss, resting your forehead on his, your breaths the only sound you could hear, something caught your eyes. It was Jay's finger that was tracing your cheeks.

It was a red string, so thin, barely visible. The red string of fate, that connected two souls together and that's when you saw, it wasn't connected to your finger...

He wasn't yours to keep.

･˳ . ⋆ letting you go

'Y/N, wait, can... we just... talk?' A voice called out to you from across the almost empty hallway.

His voice.

You stopped in your tracks, a familiar feeling of sadness taking over you. Over the past week, you had tried everything to avoid Jay, to keep him at bay.

The car ride back from the beach was silent, he had been way too shaken to say anything and kept glancing at the red thread emerging from his finger. His soulmate link, something he had searched for ever but it only came when he wanted it to disappear.

Through the long journey, you had made up your mind. That you weren't his soulmate, no matter how either of you felt. And you wouldn't be the one to hold him back.

'What is there to talk?' You asked bitterly, feeling his hand turning you to face him.

'Why have you been avoiding me? Di-did that kiss mean nothing?' Jay's voice broke.

'It meant everything to me-' '- then why?! Are you scared of this?' He pointed at his finger. 'You know I have tried everything to make it go. I have searched online to see what to do with it but I just can't find anything! That's how much I want to be with you, Y/N', he said, desperation seeping into his voice.

'But Jay, we aren't meant to be. I don't want to take you from someone who really deserves you. Don't you see, it will-' You took a deep breath, controlling the tears welling in your eyes. 'It will hurt us both.'

He took your hand, pulling your chin to face his eyes, 'We'll make it work, love. I cannot let a stupid thread decide who I love. Please.'

His please quite literally broke you from the inside and you couldn't help but let one drop of tear roll past your cheek. No one said how hard it could be to fall for the wrong boy. The boy whose line of fate didn't collide with yours.

No one said that letting him go, for both of your happiness would be one the hardest things ever. And maybe because you loved him, you uttered the next few words, 'No. I will not live my life as a regret, thinking I stole you from someone. I have to let go, Jay. You should too.' You pried your hands out of his as Jay's face contorted in sadness, his eyes flickering, unable to hold back his tears.

You couldn't see him cry but mostly you knew you should just withdraw yourself to not cause him anymore pain. You turned around wiping your face and walking away. Away from the one you loved, away from a future you could have had.

･˳ . ⋆ twenty forever

You knew what you were getting yourself into when you agreed to accompany Gaeul to the college reunion party. It had almost been over six years since you had seen your classmates.

Since you had seen... him.

It wasn't like you didn't wanna go, heck, you had missed those friends from the days of college too but you knew he would be there and with him would come back all the memories and love you had tried so hard to suppress. They would overflow, creating a new wound or maybe opening the old one.

And he stands before you, a glass in his hands, giving you a small, almost sad smile. He looks different and yet so same to the Jay you had fallen for.

You remember laughing at his jokes, bickering with him over the stupidest nerdiest topics ever, holding his hand as you both ran in the dark. It all flashes like some film montage. But mostly you remember the night when you met him.

A night which was similar to todays. The night you found him drunk in the backyard. You wonder what would have happened if you hadn't gone to the party, if you hadn't made your way to him.

You'd be a way different person than you were today.

If you try hard enough, you feel like you'll get transported to your memories, where you are still twenty.

His voice comes out soft and tender, 'Thank you, Y/N. Thank you for teaching me how to love and-' He stops, hesitating or rather contemplating whether to say what comes next, 'Thank you for-' '- for being my first love, Jay.'

･˳ . ⋆ In the season when the wind blows and flowers fall, it still seems as if I'm holding your hand...

If you have made it through this mess, drop down a feedback as it really helps! ily and i hope you have a great day/night ^^!!

work belongs to @/luvistqrzzz do not, repost or translate my work.

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