[thatkid]

Future lover, I want you to dream extra big with me. tell me that you’ve been dreaming too. keep me real when necessary but I want you to dream wildly for me the way that I dream for you. And by dream, I mean dream with you and for you for the things that feel outrageous and special and silly and scary. It’s all possible with (or without me and I you).

I’m in Arkansas right now if you can believe it or not. And I don’t think you’re here. (surprise me if I’m wrong). I wished for my dream job and got it. It came with its own set of new experiences, emotions, and challenges that I couldn’t have expected. I didn’t dream of those but does anyone really dream of the hardships.

I’m calling you from a past self as a way to acknowledge that you’re out there. That hope feels tangible in the moments where I’m like “wtf did I do? and how did I end up in Arkansas for more than 2 years.” It’s been a little scary. Maybe even a lot scary if I’m being honest.

I love love. And being a lover boy is sweet. Teach me boundaries but let me love you like a lesbian. Let me be tender and intimate and in turn receive all of that from you. There’s something so special about sharing your heart with people. It’s scary to love. And it hurts. Maybe I’ll knit your nude too.

Silly enough I’m sober. And my toe is infected. And I spent time with people who opened their hearts to share time and space with me. Queer people. Joyous and free queer people at that! I admire their joy. I know too much and nothing feels special. Even the variety is falling a little flat. But the act of trying feels more important than the way it currently feels. Maybe it’s suppose to feel that way. And I’ve known it all along. Contentment can be okay. And maybe that can find its own brand of special.

I’m rambling but one day we’ll share some thoughts and we’ll go through my tumblr and you can see what I was thinking and I can have a gentle reminder too.

[thatkid]

I’m sentimental.

Of course I’ll think of you. I wrote a whole notes app turned physical letter, in a sapphic way, to let you know how much I liked you. I wanted to remember every detail that now feels, if nothing else, for me. I still have all of your physical mail and will probably for a lifetime. Proof that you cared because for some reason I need to feel that validation. Hopefully that perspective changes with time. 6 months of a tango with an ending (beginning?) of feeling sad and frustrated because location has determined that we can’t date.

I broke up with my ex because of the distance so it was naive to think you would continuously tango with me and this distance and the prospect of new love. I could ask why it was different this time. Why I was willing to try it with “we barely know each other”? I hurt harder than I remember. And I’ve probably have hurt just as hard. Piercing even.

I think of all the people I’ve shared some true intimacy with. I look at their nudes, videos and think of our intimacy together. Hell, it’s better than porn because I know the mutual attraction and affection and desire was there. I knew that they wanted me, even if it was only in that moment, as much as I wanted them.

Today I was thinking of Eli, then you, then Gerald, then David. Oh I forgot about Michael too. It hurts to be the one who got the let down if I’m being honest but emotional maturity hopefully keeps me from acting impulsively and vying for your affection.

Ultimately, I know I’m sexy and cool and interesting even in a place that feels actively against me. My therapist says that I’m resilient and persistent and making great strides to accommodate for all the things working against me. It’s harder than I think.

Last night you were in my dream, for the first time, which allegedly means I’m ready to process you. There were a few parts to this dream. The first being the metro station where I needed to get a new card and accidentally got cash back and some sort of special receipt. And then your bag was lost so you paid the man a large sum of money to get it back. Next the maze of a scary closet of back rooms. Somehow it was all okay even when it felt uneasy. While I don’t know what all this means, it was nice to admire you in my dreams. Meet me again there soon so we or I can process this instead of waking up and immediately wanting to share that you were there. I didn’t text him by the way. Distance is my peace and I feel the agency. If not always, at least for now.

[thatkid]

Bringing it back to my childhood with a hot take:

No, they’re not toxic.

Yes, they’re human and make mistakes.

Don’t blame people for changing especially if you’re changing too.

I kind of have no sympathy for people who aren’t willing to take responsibility in relationships. Everyone is so quick to say how terrible their last relationship was but like what does that say about you for staying so long if that’s the case?

I genuinely think that everyone is allowed to fuck up and it’s honestly about how much you’re willing to accept and love someone through those flaws.

People aren’t disposable. And I absolutely agree that you should be allowed to walk away when the relationship is done. But that also doesn’t mean that the person you walked away from is a bad person. You’re both just in different places. A relationship consists of two people say yes to each other each day until they don’t. And when they don’t both say yes then you move on. It hurts. It sucks. But it’s not impossible. And we can all do it without shittihg on the person we have a lot of our time and energy into even if it wasn’t perfect.

[thatkid]

God I hate taking things so personally. I feel a little bit like an idiot for falling a little to quickly for someone who I thought was more ready to make some moves in dating. But it feels like they're playing the field a little more heavily to look for the right one and I'm just a convenience. I hate that feeling. And I'm more than just a convenience, I'm the best. And I need to really own that POV. Men are really sucking rn. And it's so fucking hard to find the ones who are actually ready to move the way they say want to. This love limbo is making me feel crazy and antsy and not myself. I know it's a temporary little moment but it's making me a little sad that he's just kind of lulling away. I don't feel bad for how I presented myself or what I did but I hate that it feels a little wasted or unappreciated. It's fine. It's his loss. And I need to stop checking when he's on instagram or when his location is moving on Tinder. Like I said, I feel fucking crazy and I'm acting that way in response to it. He's not my boyfriend. He doesn't owe me anything, however he does owe me the respect to just be like "actually I don't wanna date you right now". And maybe he thinks he said it and I just need it a little more implicitly said. Anyways, here's to creating a little more time and space for myself as a healthy boundary but also knowing that it's okay to try and feel hurt because that's part of the process. Do I have being hurt while putting myself and my feelings out there? No. But it'll all be fine and I'll work past it. Or I'll just find someone who matches my energy and is game to make it happen.

[thatkid]

I really promised myself to keep my intentions for the year. And that was to find some sense of peace and happiness in my life, among many other things. I think that idea of emotional wellness needs to be dissected a little bit more in my life because I don't feel like I'm doing it correctly. How does someone tell you that you're warm and lovely and want to continue getting to know you without putting in a little work? Maybe I'm expecting a little too much soon but also I deserve love an affection with someone who's ecstatic about me. I'm fucking great and I know that. It kind of hurts me because I do think so highly of myself that I hope others see that and feel the same. I try to mirror the things I want to see from someone by showing it to them. I guess I kind of thought that this man was excited about me but I don't think that they're actually ready to be dating. And that kind of sucks. How do you not take it personally? I guess that's kind of how it goes when you are open and vulnerable and trying to be receptive to whatever comes your way.

[thatkid]

a nude in knit

[thatkid]

Dating again has been a lot of different emotions. It’s funny to feel like you’re matching energies with someone only for them to not always match up. Or maybe I’m just expecting so much so soon? I’ve been on this “I don’t need you. I want you.” mantra. And that “I don’t need you to be happy.” I think I need to live a little more in that. I think it’s disappointing that people don’t communicate their feelings very well and kind of leave you hanging. I’m here to fully ass over communicate so that you know my intentions and that you have a sense of where we stand. It’s weird being almost 30 and looking at your life and trying to make sense of how you exist in the world. I’m probably still mourning the loss of my last relationship and honestly maybe they are too. I’m trying to lead with my heart but I also feel like I need to be a little more protective. I want and deserve love and I shouldn’t have to feel like another option. I think I’m feeling very decisive and maybe that’s making me feel antsy when I could probably just be a little more easy going and less intense with the relationship stuff. It’s hard getting back in the groove haha. Here’s to having some fun and maybe falling in love. But for now, I’m taking a little bit of a back burner.

[thatkid]

[thatkid]

[thatkid]

[thatkid]

I'm feeling really thankful for the support system I've built in life. I've surrounded myself with the best. And I know that because even when I've lost someone important in my life, I still feel whole and taken care of. I've very happy about my last relationship. I loved hard and learned a lot of patience and truths. Everyday feels little easier while trudging into the unknown. I loved this little blurb about the unknown inherently being scary but it's also a great space for growth and opportunity and happiness. While I don't know what's ahead (ie relationship, job, etc.) I do know that it's a universal truth that change can only happen from creating space for the unknown in my life. I had some peace with where I was at in life, but I also sort of settled into a place where I was accepting things that weren't going to get me to the best version of myself. And that's exactly what I'm looking for in a partner. I want you to be my biggest cheerleader and really dig in to support me and make me the best version of myself everyday. I expect that. I expect you to hold as much space for me as I do for you. Or when I can't hold the space for myself, you pick it up and vice versa. I'm feeling a lot of peace with hints of fear/crisis/sadness but I know that nothing is forever. So I'm trying to really lean into the good things happening. I love me. I love my life. And I love everyone who's been in it. For long periods and the short ones too. <3

[thatkid]

Dear Ger,

It's been almost a month since we broke up. To say that I don't miss you, would be a lie. I think there were a lot of great things that we got out of our relationship and I think that's fair to acknowledge even though we obviously know that there were some not so good aspects as well. I want to meet up and like understand where you're at and how you are feeling. I don't really know what I think we will accomplish in meeting up to chat. In an ideal world, everything is fixed and we get back together. But I know that we can never come back together and it be exactly as it was. I won't accept it. It's hard to say that I honestly don't see a way for us to get back together at this point. And I don't want to create a dynamic where I'm holding something over you or you feel like you have to change yourself completely to be with me. I don't want to have to tell you that I want and deserve to be treated a certain way. I want my partner to understand and think of me first. I think I always tried to give you and us the best go at it all and I'm happy and thankful for that. I learned that I am a great partner, full of love, patience, understanding, forgiveness. Ultimately it didn't feel like I was being thought of and cared for on the receiving end of things. I know you have a big heart full of childlike whimsy and love, but there's something that stops you from leading with that nature. I don't know if it's the substances or the lack of self care/love but I really hope that it's something you take the time to dig into and really understand. I want the world for you. Hell, I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship as long as I did if I didn't believe that. At some point, it felt like in order to love you, and to actually love myself, it was to leave you. That act of leaving left me with a lot of guilt and sadness because I took on the emotional labor of it. My actions and choices didn't bring us to the tipping point. It was yours. I hate the blame game. It feels dirty. So I hope that you eventually see it as an act of love for both of us. What do I want for our next meeting? I honestly can't say. I want some closure. I want to know that you're doing well and working towards your best self. I want to know that the love and care I gave you didn't go to waste. And not that it ever would, because you can always make more space for love. I feel sad having to say that because I also need to tell myself the same thing. "You can always make more space for love." Heartbreak sucks. Losing someone important to you sucks. We had so many plans for the future and while I had my hesitations, I really wanted to imagine a life with you. It could never happen on the path we were going, but I still had the hope. I will say that it feels good to type out all of this shit. I haven't wanted to think about it. The first week I couldn't even go the whole day without crying. And now it happens sometimes. I want love. And I deserve unconditional love. And if it's not with you, then that person is out there. Someday soon. I love you, Gerald. And you'll always have special place in my heart. We have too many memories together for you not to. And I'm thankful for you and all the lessons learned. Even when they were hard or sad or bad. See ya soon.

Love,

A

[thatkid]

9/18/23 Digi Diary Entry

hi. it's me. it's been a while. last time I was here I think was during covid? it's really been a lot haha. I think it's funny that I revert back to this idea of some sort of anonymity in throwing my thoughts into the either for someone or no one to hear. it's been a little over a week since I ended my almost 3 year relationship with Gerald. I loved him, unconditionally. I think I'm most disappointed that I feel somehow responsible for him and his actions. he loved his substances and chose himself over me. and I know that's not something I can really control. it's been hard to hold space for sadness again. I think growing up in tennessee I was always surrounded by the yearning and longing for "what's next" and had so much hope for that. and now in my late 20's I feel like i'm looking for that ease of life. I worked to hard to build my "ideal" life for myself. and I think we all in some degree have been trucking ourselves into what is now our current self. I also recently lost my job. it's so funny having gone into the creative world. I love that I've built my career around concepts and trends that live in the future but I haven't seemed to land that future-seeing ability for myself. if I really think about it, I can absolutely see myself happy with my next partner. fullfilled. supported. unconditionally. there's the saying that you can't have all of the "NY 3" : a job, stable housing, and a partner. right now, at least I have a stable place to live. I've literally interviewed for so many fun and exciting jobs over the past few months only for them not to be fruitful. I'm trying really hard to lean into idea that it's all meant for a reason because I need that little bit of hope right now. i'm really not looking forward to dating again. I hate that interview style mode of operating. I just want that peace and assurance that comes with the time of knowing someone for a while. how they move. how they operate. their quirks and all. I miss him. I do. but I did what was best for me. at least that's what has been the narrative. it's hard to leave someone when their at their lowest and not feel a sense of ownership or blame in that. for now, i'm feeling better about letting some of this energy go into the either of tumblr. it feels okay.

until next time.

A

[thatkid]

[thatkid]

[thatkid]

[thatkid]