It repeats every so often. A reminder that good things do happen. A reminder that he is not alone.
“hey matt.” the voice taking up part time residence in his head is echoed by iit's real world counterpart and Matt trys to take it in stride. Jereny addressing him two times in one week. things are looking up
The voice prompts him sounding half matt and half Jeremy.
The smile matt gives feels more genuine this time. Hes hopeful perhaps hell have more reason to really smile and meaning it will come more naturally the more he does it.
Matt sits up to his alarm. Jeremy's voice has replaced his completely. It's less monotonous and he prefers it.
For a moment the old voice is gone.
Jeremy's voice comes back through.
It repeats jeremy's words as often as Matt's issued commands.
It's gonna be a good day.
But it's softer than Matt's was
Jeremy approaches Matt's desk. “Hey, We need another body for a jackbox game. Would you be interested?” matt hesitates. He waits for his inner voice to give him something to work with. Or the inner jeremy voice to encourage him.
“the answers yes come on”
Jeremy beats inner matt and inner jeremy to it.
The voice is silent and for the first time in.. matt tries to remember the last time he was without the voice. Years at least. Hes not sure what to do without the guidance so he tries to do what feels natural. He dives right into the game with the others.
and what do you know, he doesn't die.
He even gets a few laughs. Not as many as say ryan or jeremy or Michael but he holds his own more than he ever imagined he could and without the voice. it's a small miracle. And To him it's everything.
“you were really good.” jeremy walks matt back to his desk after the game. “thanks I surprised myself. I'm not usually that funny” matt laughs slightly, working with his own brand of self deprecating humor. “well I thought you were hilarious” jeremy sounds sincere and matt feels himself stand a little straighter at his friends (can he call them friends? Hed like to call them friends) compliment.
“well I've got to go and talk to Michael about a let's play.” jeremy says. “while I'm doing that would you update my capture” matt nods and jeremy Pat's his shoulder before walking away
For a second matt forgets how to breathe. No one touches him. He waits again for the voice to give him a task but it wont come. He is left to go it alone. Quickly he makes a task himself. Update Jeremy's capture and perfect the build for tomorrow. Maybe he doesn't need the voice to survive.
matt wakes up in a sweat. He doesn't remember the nightmare but he does remember what woke him up. His inner jeremy voice screaming one word
“are you coming to lunch?” matt pops his head up from the video concept he's writing. Jeremy is standing next to his desk casually. Matt wishes he could be that casual. He feels appreciative to have a friend like that. “we want to film a lunch blog, you can be camera man.” jeremy winks at matt. Matt feels a small group of butterflies emerge in his stomach. As is habit, he tries to let his inner self make the decision but no help comes. So he makes a decision. “yea sure. Why not” he stands up and follows jeremy. Is this was happy feels like?
Matt stares at his desk. His inner voice has been awfully quiet since Jeremy's voice and it's living counter part have started invading his mind. He used to have a million layers of protection built headed by his inner voice to protect him from the insecurity and loneliness. And Jeremy came and tore that down. How is that even possible? Matt wonders how he let himself get so vulnerable. Hes not used to feeling so open and so exposed. and he doesn't like it. It leaves him open for pain. It leaves him open for disappointment. without his voice keeping him company matts more aware of the silence and everything that comes with it. No distractions, no excuses. just him and his thoughts. If this Carrie's on hell have to work to make those a more pleasant place to be, matt cconsiders.
“hey everything ok?” matt jumps as jeremy seems to materialize next to him. “other than the heart attack you just gave me, I'm fine.” he Hope's the joke makes him seem more convincing. He doesn't really want to discuss the turmoil in his head. “well if you need to talk, you know where to find me.” jeremy smiles at matt and walks away.
matt feels a calm steal over him as jeremy walks away. For a moment his anxiety seems to abate. That moment is exactly what he needs to get him head on straight. It's going to be ok.
Jeremy is more soothing than his inner voice ever was.
Over these last two weeks of the his own inner voice dimming Matt relizes he wants to hold onto Jeremy's voice
Matt sees Jeremy approaching and sits up. Hes started waiting for his friends approach and even looks forward to it. It always seems to be exactly what he needs. A calm soothing voice to distract him from the emptiness. and often a good source of commands and projects to keep matt busy. He smiles as jeremy gets closer, excited to banish the loneliness for even a moment. And then his smile melts into a frown as jeremy walks right past him without even a glance in his direction. His chest contracts as he sees him approach alfredo, back from his two week vacation. A feeling, black and cloying, fills Matt's chest. He realizes it's jealousy. IIt's just as bad as the loneliness.
and once again it's back to everyone in one corner and matt in a different room completely. "Michael, gav, ryan, trev, let's take fredo to a welcome back lunch"
Matt does get his wish. Jeremy's voice does enter his head. But in a lonely way he wishes he could banish for ever. He pleads for the voice to come back. For it to come back in his time of need. But it's silent and sometimes silence hurts
Jeremy walks towards Matt's desk. Matt puts his head down, trying to not get his expectations up. He knows Jeremy will walk past him and ultimately he will the jealousy or the loneliness or the anxiety and he prays to anyone who will listen that he could go back to not feeling anything at all
But Jeremy doesn't walk past. He stops at Matt's desk and matt lifts his head hopefully. "Hey thanks for filling in for alfredo while he was on vacation." He flashes one of those smiles that makes Matt's insides perk up just a bit. "Yea it was no issue" He smiles, he tries to make it look sincere. "Well thank you anyway." Jeremy smiles again. "Do you think you could edit some footage for me. Me and the lads are gonna film a between the games." Matt feels a little sad he isnt invited to help film but someone has to edit content right? "Yea sure have fun." Matt gives a smile.
Sometimes it's hurts to smile.
Matt approaches the door to the studio. With no one to talk to (real or otherwise) times seems meaningless. Every moment blurs together. Nothing distinguishes one second from the next accept the loneliness he feels.
"How was having matt fill in for me." Matt pauses when he hears his name. Maybe just maybe it will be something good. "Weird. Hes kinda creepy." Matt's face falls and his heart feels like it's exploding. He can feel a panic attack coming on and for the first time in awhile the voice chimes in "walk away" but matt ignores it. He needs to hear this. "Hes so quiet. Probably planning to murder us all." That's jeremy. Everybody laughs at that. Is this really how others see him? "But for now if I ask nicely hell do whatever I want. It's kind of pathetic really." Matt feels his chest start to tighten. His breaths start to come in gasps. Walk away.
This time matt listens and stumbles off. He really is pathetic. why did it take him this long to see it.
Matt wakes up sobbing. A monster rears inside of him. He doesn't remember his dream but whatever it was leaves him aching. He is not good enough. He is pathetic. He is worthless. He wants to claw at his chest, gouge it till all the black, evil, thoughts and feelings pour out. For a second he imagines it. Tendrils of dark ink like smoke pouring out of him. He sobs at the thought.
But because it sounds like jeremy.
And because instead of the comfort he usually feels at he just feels anger and bitterness. Something needs to change.
Sometimes it hurts to make decisions.
Matt stand and goes to his window, the first tendrils of pink are tinging the sky as the sun starts to rise. A new day. A new beginning. And all the time in the world to prove they were wrong.
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