I was raised in a household where my dad wanted to be God, and so characterized Him in a way that left me constantly paranoid.
God was a judge, God was a debt collector, God was a hammer waiting to strike.
My mother was likewise delusional to a point. She used religion as a manner of control, manipulating my egotistical dad and our chaotic little world so she could feel better about herself.
I was abused in the church. I’ve been so many churches since childhood I can’t count them.
I was told I was possessed because I was a child with adhd and couldn’t sit still in a pew. I was told that if I didn’t see visions or speak in tongues, I wasn’t saved. I was told that I must be thinking about God at all times or I wasn’t good enough. That I was lukewarm, unlovable, unworthy.
I was too afraid to take communion. I cried and turned away from the altar multiple times because I was a too dirty to touch the offering.
I was told so many awful things that I grew up with a persistent religious paranoia on top of my already anxiety inducing life.
So… why am I still a Christian, after all of that?
Stockholm syndrome, right?
It would be easy to write it off as that, but I did turn away from religion. In the back of my mind. I stayed cautious in case God was still watching.
It wasn’t until I got rid of the destructive influences in my life that things changed.
My perception of God changed when I left the awful people using His name in vain- or for personal gain.
When I grew up, learned to be discerning about the character of people.
Many people live under the assumption that I did- that God is a tyrant who is waiting for you to mess up so he can smash you and send you to hell. Paradoxically, that almost makes Satan sound preferable.
But that’s not who God is, and he doesn’t want people to go to hell.
Even if you haven’t had good parents, you’ve seen what they’re like. They get excited to share experiences with their children. The first taste of lemon, the first puddles to splash in. First words, first laughs, first steps.
Satan got jealous after his rebellion in heaven. He saw God had something good and wanted it for himself again - even if it was just to spite God.
He offered humanity a choice and we took it.
We can debate why it happened until we’re blue in the face, but what matters most are God’s decisions afterwards.
Everything that has happened since the fall has been God trying to bring his wayward children back without force.
Just like when you see that friend of yours making the same bad decisions day after day, and you know their quality of life would improve if they just stopped. It’s heartbreaking, frustrating. You can give them all the advice in the world but they’ll just keep on doing the thing and complain to you about every headache afterwards.
Now you know a little what God feels like.
Only God is a little more patient than we tend to be.
God doesn’t ask much from us, not as much as people, which is weird to think about.
God doesn’t measure your worth by how good you are at your job, how badly you do in school. He doesn’t equate your value to how rich or poor you are, he doesn’t judge you the same way people do.
The first thing he asks of you is to love him and love each other.
He loves us so much that he opened heaven again if we ask for it.
He came down as flesh and blood in Jesus and took all the punishments we should’ve had. In Jesus death and resurrection, we have a way home.
All he wants for us to do is acknowledge that.
He doesn’t hate you if you can’t pay tithe. He doesn’t talk behind your back if you make a mistake. He doesn’t demean, debase, abuse.
Why am I still a Christian?
Because God was there for me when people weren’t.
God didn’t abuse me as a kid, people did, and used God as a shield.
God didn’t lie to me, call me names, break my things - my parents did.
God didn’t order me to do unbelievable things in order to reach him - my pastors and teachers did.
God didn’t tell me I’m unworthy - people did.
Even if you don’t believe in God, if you’re angry at him, feeling hurt and betrayed.
Maybe take a closer look and see if it’s really the people around you making you miserable, instead of an untouchable, invisible hammer.
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