The Asylum @the-artificial-human - Tumblr Blog

one of the funniest conversations I ever had with my ex was when they were still getting used to Celsius and asked me "what's 20 degrees?" and instead of converting it, I said "it's the highest your dad will ever let you set the thermostat and when you say you're cold he tells you to put on another sweater, we're not made of money" and they went "oh, 68"

the fact that this reference was that fucking precise was something they went on to tell people about for years.

avatarmerida

Happy pride month to the tiny cowboy and tiny Trojan man from Night at the Museum

This hands down the best comment in the notes, I will not be taking criticism.

song-of-sea-and-sky

happy pride month 2021 I ain’t quittin’ you…

IT JUST WONT DIE IT KEEPS COMING BACK

greenmossloveisreal1998iloveyou

you should be addicted to shutting the fuck up

You wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid

whyenn-reader

1000-life-hacks

libraryladyintraining

You better believe it!

hoodiedeer

Reminder, if you ever pay someone for a commission on Paypal (NSFW OR NOT) you SHUT THE FUCK UP in any text box it gives you.

(No this does not mean try to be a snarky comedian and say it was "bomb materials" or "fuck u" or whatever. Don't play with people's livelihoods, just shut the fuck up and don't type anything at all, it's not that hard.)

natalieironside

Sometimes on forums the admins would automatically censor the word "cum" which created such wonderful turns of phrase as "he graduated suma-***-laude"

natalieironside

And sometimes when they censor movies for American television they'll bleep the 'hole' part of "asshole" [ie, "That guy's a real ass****"] and the 'god' part of "goddamn" [ie, "Oh, ***dammit!"] so when I was a small child I thought there were such cusses as "assfuck" [noun; an unpleasant person] and "fuckdamn"

natalieironside

#there was always someone whose name got censored#like C***andra suddenly having a way worse implication#forums#also reminds me of that paleontology conference where “bone” got censored#censorship

Cuntandra is a name of great power

nonbinaryjudean

made you some graphics to help you remember

batsandboba

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know

twistedpictures1-deactivated202

hey you should ask your doctor about MAOIs. my SSRIs weren’t working so we tried those (i’m on nardil) and it did wonders for my mental health. just saying as a suggestion because based on the fact that you put the fucking onceler on my dashboard in 2022 the meds you take right now don’t work

WHAT

giltspark

spontaneousmusicalnumber

In The Road to El Dorado there is only really one inexplicable thing within the plot. Miguel and Tulio plausibly bluff their way through or slip out of most situations. However, I’d never figured out why the volcano actually stops erupting when Tulio commands it.

The conclusion I finally came up with is that the actual gods were watching their big entrance go down, and thought “oh, this’ll be hilarious”

sweetvantass

theres a lot of evidence throughout the movie to say that the armadillo (whose name is bibo) is a god.

they first find him in the jungle, where an armadillo has no business being

they find the entrance to the city, while being followed by him

he is present when the volcano starts to erupt (previous concept art also showed him in the background actually stopping the eruption)

miguel and tulio sucked ass at the ball game, so they used Bibo as a ball. He ricocheted himself all over the place and defied physics to get into the hoop every time

they come up with the flood plan to stop cortez when bibo pushed a glass over in front of them

famouslysleepy

YOUR TELLING ME THEY USED GOD AS A BASKETBALL?

beaft

google help me

beaft

the thing is, stephen king is generally pretty good at creating complex, well-rounded characters, which makes it all the more jarring when one of those characters abruptly comes out with what i'll term a "kingism". i don't know how best to define a kingism other than "you'll know it when you see it". it's the voice of the author intruding on the voice of the character, and in this case the voice of the author has a bad sense of humour and is ravenously, inexplicably horny

beaft

random example of a kingism aka "he would not fucking say that"

beaft

this too is a kingism

beaft

one of the hallmarks of a kingism is that when a character is being Horny On Main (or In Maine), they can never do it in a normal way. they have to come up with a sequence of words that nobody has ever said before in the history of the english language. here's another example:

beaft

i'm starting a collection

mikkeneko

ralfmaximus

Adding ROOTY TOOT TOOT to my bedroom talk repertoire

catboybiologist

It is, quite literally, the cocaine, and King himself has said that openly

anything-thats-rock-and-roll

Every so often @sapphic-corgi will send me an absolutely unhinged dm with zero context and I have learned, at this point, to identify immediately and with unerring accuracy: “oh, this is a sentence from a Stephen King novel”

ralfmaximus

..could we make this a mailing list or something?

porcelain-rob0t

the european mind cannot comprehend the 48 oz dunkin bucket

derryderrydown

Excuse me while I look something up...

1.4 litres????

politenotice

interestingmistakes

melmili

just wanna say i am a big fan of this trope specifically

tatsumi-rin

kwp

child: *is passionate about absolutely anything*

parent: gotta insult it

deleated-123-deactivated2021090

child: *becomes ashamed and embarrassed about the things they’re passionate about and doesn’t share their interests in fear of getting insulted about it*

parent: why aren’t you interested in anything? why don’t tell us anything anymore?