Curiouser And Curiouser

[the-book-squirm]

Waiting for my friend to finish work, seated in the hospital foyer. It’s making me so so sad that I had to give up my healthcare career. I was bright, good at my job, and good at study. I dreamt of becoming a doctor one day and couldn’t wait for the challenges of medical school.

Unfortunately, schizoaffective disorder had other plans and I haven’t worked at all for 4 years.

I’m now considering an online certificate to be a teacher aide. Part of me thinks this is a good move. Nice easy (comparatively- less responsibility, lower risk if something goes wrong, no admin like letters/chart entries, no masters degree etc) work… I can do part time work.. make it fit into my life, it’s free since I’m in their fee-free scheme.

But it crushes me to “settle”

I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles and I have to realise I’m more than my job…

[the-book-squirm]

Holy fuck I just want a good night’s sleep.

SO. Agitated

[the-book-squirm]

Once again, several days of insane rage, insomnia, crying, generally looking like I’m in/approaching a mixed episode was greeted this morning by…. My period!!! Ffs.

Social worker thinks it’s definitely PMDD and wants me to see gynaecologist ASAP.

[the-book-squirm]

Holy fuck I just want a good night’s sleep.

SO. Agitated

[the-book-squirm]

Yaaay. Went grocery shopping and cooked an actual meal (ie not toast or cereal!!) tofu sushi bowl

[the-book-squirm]

Some SERIOUS shit was going down in the foyer when I went to move my car this morning . I was sent back to my unit but when I could go out, I picked up a coffee from next door , head to the top floor with this beautiful view (that I didn’t fully capture 😅😅) and just did some puzzle book puzzles. I need to make this a routine I think!

[the-book-squirm]

And a punnet of strawberries for just $3 from Harris farms as a reward for doing so much today. (Now watch me demolish it all tonight…)

[the-book-squirm]

29/7/26

Since starting ice skating again recently, I’ve really wanted to get fitter/stronger.

So part of that is getting back into Couch 2 5k:

So naturally I procrastinated my run all afternoon 😅😅

But I finally went and I’m so glad I forced myself in the end.

It helps lift my mood, I feel better physically and there’s a really nice view where I live.

[the-book-squirm]

26/7:26

What a weekend!

Comedy show, amazing brunch… dinner with best friend’s friends and I was super anxious because I hate new people but they were *lovely.* also it was Italian, which I don’t normally like that much, but holy shit so good. My friend and I were lazy and watched tv a lot, I crocheted, a walk in the lovely weather.

[the-book-squirm]

All I’ve done today is clean my unit, go for a walk to get this ice tea and a little painting, but it’s been a good day. Going out for dinner and seeing a comedian tonight yay!

[the-book-squirm]

I know this sounds super cliche… but I really think the power of positive thinking got me through this rough patch. Yes there were some really dark moments but I kept telling myself that brighter days were ahead and to just make the most of things, as much as possible. To keep making art, going for walks and trying to look after myself.

If there’s one thing I am happy with about myself… it’s my optimism

Had a great session with social worker this morning. We laughed, chatted and she thought doing a cert iii in visual art next year sounded good

[the-book-squirm]

So glad I’m seeing my social worker tomorrow. She’s just a beautiful person

[the-book-squirm]

She forgot about my appointment and I got up super early to drive to be there at 7:45 hm and sat there for 20mins before I could get hold of her. So it’s all going well 👌👌

[the-book-squirm]

Went for a walk to the markets. Got this super nice bread and fresh produce for $18.50 (not pictured: container of cut up watermelon) and the true love of my life: orange juice 😍😍

Trying to keep getting out and doing stuff.

[the-book-squirm]

So glad I’m seeing my social worker tomorrow. She’s just a beautiful person

[the-book-squirm]

I never take sleeping tablets/prn (aside from my clozapine and clonazepam , which is my regular prescribed meds) but I’ve taken some sleepy ones at 6pm to just put this day to bed. Done.

[the-book-squirm]

I’m terrified.

I was feeling good.

I have plans that I was so excited about.

I don’t want to have ECT.

Pleeeease brain sort yourself out. I want to get on with the happy life that had started

[the-book-squirm]

Social worker thinks I’m getting depressed :(

[the-book-squirm]

Feeling a bit low tonight.

People who are younger than me or who I thought were a bit silly are going on to these amazing and interesting careers. My friends are at work, doing good, all the time that I’m just trying to kill time with meaningless activities.

I’m starting to cry now.

Did I do the wrong thing stopping ECT?

Or would I have felt like this anyway?

So much boredom and lack of purpose tonight.

But is there anything I can handle anyway?

I just feel so sad.

I’m rarely suicidal but do I want decades more of this?!