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i still remember

i still love you

in the gentle warmth under the blanket in the curl of my hands on the pillow i can still hear our last words

in the morning summer light on the rocking porch chair i can still see our last glances

in the burning hot shower in the cascade over the river bed i can still hold our last kiss

i still love you

#poetry #poets on tumblr #the-capricious

forgiveness & regret

i don't regret loving you

i regret all the ways i didn't get to love you i don't know how i'll forgive myself for the ways i failed you how i wasn't enough to make you want to stay alive how i didn't get to fill your life with as much happiness and love as you could handle how do we forgive ourselves for all the things we didn't do? how do we forgive ourselves for all the things we didn't become?

#the-capiricous #the capricious #poetry #text #writing #insanity

beauty; start & end

i had way too long to know to not be prepared but still it feels like a shotgun wound to my chest i didn't really say goodbye i reminded him i loved him more than i ever said goodbye goodbye is a vocabulary word too final for my taste too graveyard dirt and ash and dust for me to hold i have all the finality i need in my memory i don't need a coffin-laden word for it i will make a forest out of my memory for him and i will plant love instead of trees before i ever say goodbye i want to write about a garden even though i've already written that but i can't seem to not write about it it's beautiful and poetic and sad in its own way, the reasoning the fact that no matter how many metaphors and similes i have, nothing feels more right to describe him and my love for him than a garden because a forest, a garden is life and life is beautiful but so is death, as scary as it is that's the great secret of it all life is a bright kind of beauty it's joy, anger, fleeting death is just a different kind of beauty sad, fond, and eternal the sun and the moon in this perpetual dance the start... and the end. beautiful. just like him.

#the-capricious #the capricious #text #writing #poetry #insanity #casually calling myself out in this tbh

garden love

i will not bare the ocean of my sorrow for the world to see it is not theirs it is mine i will not talk about how i couldn't save him how i sung to him the last words he heard before he hung his hopelessness around his neck i listened as he sighed like a tree and left me where i stood in this empty dirt hill

and here, where his last words float in the air

i will make a garden out of my heart and his empty ribcage a lattice for my morning glory love to bloom, my memories of him the fertilizer i will plant my snapdragon love for him in his empty hands, a boneyard history of him holding on to a life he never wanted in the first place i will water his empty lungs with my own breathing in some hope in a vain attempt to make him alive again i will whisper what's left of my tongue around his spine in some hope i could have given him more strength to keep fighting i will scoop him into my arms and i will lay with him until i die, too as if sinking what's left of him into my ocean of sorrow will take away my anger and hurt i will sing a new world until my voice dies with him i will write for him until my hands are bones clasped with his

i will cry my regret and sink into this soil i plant my dream with him as if it'll be a forever compared to carving it into wet sand as if i can keep him alive more than just a part of me rising and falling as part of these lungs i'll give singing as part of the voice i'd tear touching all that i have ever loved living, loved, again

#the-capricious #the capricious #writing #poetry #text #insanity #i really like garden analogies #i'm not crying you're crying #my grief has yet to settle down like an old friend

still alive

for so long i have had no reason to write my heart out i have been so full of love and so selfish that i've wanted to keep it all to myself as if writing about it would spill it over everything else and i'd have just that bit less to hold for myself even though i know my heart is a boundless cosmos of constellation love and memory

but now you're gone and there's a part of me that you took i don't want it back it's yours i give it to you to keep a part of me wherever you go in death just like i have a piece of you that's part of me forever so that when i fall in and out of love, when i feel angry and hurt, when i cry my heart out, when i meet new amazing people i take you with me but now, in your place is a river of words that i cannot keep all to myself

they slip past my riverstone fingers sharp silhouettes doused in gray and blue and down my waterfall mouth a natural wonder i still don't know how to turn off because you always encouraged me to keep going to never stop, to never slow down, to keep living

so many people describe themselves as fire for passion, anger, love but fire dies like people do sometimes with a hiss, sometimes with a quiet flicker always consuming ourselves as fuel i want to be water water doesn't die calm, serene, blue on the surface raging, forever pushing or pulling forever eating away at everything around me depths so black and getting darker that they're more abyss than ocean spilling myself everywhere i have ever been and ever will be i want my passion, my anger, my love to be a storm rather than a choking wildfire i want to scream out my thunderbolt thoughts and drench the world in my tears and hopes alike i want to make a forest with my rainwater smiles make flowers bloom and trees grow with my compliments and i want to make people happy in a way that you never were with life i want to spread my cloud love over every landscape and be colored in the drag and glow of half-hidden sun day and night and every day i'm not there for someone, i still want them to have a bright blue sky day a happiness that fills them all on its own too bright and clear to not think in wonder how beautiful it is to be alive still still alive.

#the-capricious #the capricious #poetry #insanity #text #writing #it has been a long time #there is part of me that missed doing this #the rest of me misses him more

silence

my beautiful, sweet silence.

you are graceful as much as you are capricious, but also relaxing, serene, warm. an artistic execution of the songs of the stars, a lullaby with no words, a formless atmosphere.

my beautiful, peaceful silence.

nothing rages, nothing has broken; even the chill of the oncoming winter is muted. time does not stop and it makes no sound. life can sometimes be content, too, as inspiration sleeps his fill.

my beautiful, solemn silence.

a pleasant solace, a respite, a solitude. i think of how often we talk too much, of how often we need empty sounds backed only by the quiet, of how rarely we welcome it.

my beautiful, beloved silence.

i appreciate you, my beautiful beautiful silence .

#the-capricious #the capricious #insanity #text #writing #poetry #sometimes what we need is silence #sometimes what we get is silence #all in all there's not been a lot that's happened to write about

impulse control

sometimes, i have impulses. they don't always make a lot of sense. and sometimes, they're just to say something that everyone already knows. and other times, they're to dip my feet in water too cold for me to swim. and you - yes, you. you know who you are, you know i'm calling you out - are like the flower my honeybee insecurities and anxieties and, yes, impulses fly towards. i would feel that overwhelming need to just look at you really look at you like i was seeing the bumps of your cheek for the first time the ocean of your eyes unexplored territory and i wanted to get lost in the waves and i'd feel it that burning, soothing warmth and i would tell you for the fiftieth time today "i love you" and "i mean it" because i did and i still do, and i'd always say it like it's the first time as if i've never ushered those words before as if i didn't tell you enough as if you had somehow forgotten in the meantime as if i had been forgotten in the meantime, and you'd always tell me "i know" as if saying those words back to me was some kind of taboo something that'd change the tectonic plates of our world i would know what you meant because i could read from the earthquakes i had made myself a home in your valleys and hills, mapped the forests and rivers - and your voice is indeed a river, that burbling brook i wish i could baptize myself in. i tried so hard to become one with the land but i could not dig that deep into your soil so instead i found a cave and lit it with my fire. i found food grown from our love. i eat it as sparingly as my stomach and heart will let me for fear that it won't grow back. i mapped out the sun, i became a worshipper of you in that glow and every day that i can watch it rise i will be thankful to you for you every day until our tectonic plates shift and move and i don't feel your earthquakes every day until your sun sets and i don't see dawn anymore. i can never be too thankful. i can never thank you enough. i can never tell you i love you enough. so i let my impulse take control, to let myself tell you i love you. i mean it. thank you.

#the-capricious #the capricious #writing #text #insanity #poetry #poets on tumblr #this is for my bestfriend #he knows who he is #that lil fucker #by the way john #i love you #i mean it #thank you

you make me happy

you make me sing like a bird in the golden aura haze of a bright morning sun even though all my birds had been scattered to trees too far away for me to whistle their call

you make me dance like the leaves on a tree in the fresh breeze of cut-grass air even when i wanted to just swirl like a hurricane and snap those branches off in my own chaos

you make me draw and i can’t draw very well but you made me draw because you’d compliment how my pen went outside of the lines

you make me cry because you gave me an ocean of care to spill any pools i’ve held and any wounds i’ve left open

you make me love again and i do

#the-capricious #the capricious #insanity #text #writing #poetry #poets on tumblr #we getting sappy again #this goes out to the people who have that someone who helps them #i sat here and debated to use past tense or present tense for like ten minutes #this is some happy shit #should i tag it as happy #wait should i tag it as love #would that be fitting #fuck it let's tag it #love #yeh bois

black #3

black is the colour of the late night gazing out at stars

it’s the colour as darkness consumes my time under the points of white

#the-capricious #the capricious #insanity #text #writing #poetry #poets on tumblr #colours in poetry project #black #i'm writing a lot about night wow

black #2

black is the burn in my chest when i want to make a life with you and the hopeless sigh when i remember why we won’t

#the-capricious #the capricious #insanity #text #writing #poetry #poets on tumblr #colours in poetry project #black

black #1

black is the colour of the pit in my stomach when i know whom you’ve been spending time with

#the-capricious #the capricious #insanity #text #writing #poetry #poets on tumblr #colours in poetry project #black

swell, pt. II

i swell like the tides of the ocean pulled by the moon

no matter how far i reach we’re never going to be close enough to touch

like the curve of the horizon will never know the grasp of the heavens

mountains can only hope to be as close to the clouds as i want to be to you

but you are the core and i am the crust and we are never going to be close enough to touch

#the-capricious #the capricious #insanity #text #writing #poetry #poets on tumblr #i looked through some of my old stuff and i wanted to finish the thoughts i left hanging

and then came the night with its arms around me and its crickets and bubbles sound

and then came the night and it swallowed me whole took my battered heart and kissed it open again

and then came the dawn as i sighed my goodbye too soon and the night gave me his starry-eyed gaze and left me to wait in the morning dew

#the-capricious #the capricious #poets on tumblr #poetry #writing #text #insanity #this is part two of something from december last year

to be a constellation in the night

oh, how i long for an escape into the stars, the vaulted heavens above

oh, how i wish to be the night sky, something that is so empty yet still so beautiful

oh, how i ache to become lost between the twinkles and the void

#the-capricious #the capricious #poetry #words #text #writing #insanity #poets on tmblr #poems about night

I didn't ask because I was unsure. I didn't ask you because I didn't know what you'd say. I asked because I wanted to hear what sound my heart breaking made.

an excerpt from the messages in my head that i will never send

#the-capricious #the capricious #text #writing #insanity

It has been ten months. I don’t remember how it’s been ten months, how I’m even okay after us. You used to mean everything to me. Every word I spoke had your name carved into it as if I were breathing you instead of air. I still remember how it felt to be bathing in you. It’s been so long. Ten months is so, so long. I loved you. I brush my fingers across my chest, expecting to find memories of you, but there’s nothing but a hair of a scar. No gaping chasm, no shrapnel, no fire burning through my nerves. It scares me a little how we were so much together and things have changed so much. You left as easily as walking down a sidewalk in my hometown. I got over it like moving to a new house. That kind of change scares me. I think it's because I can't control it. Because I like how things are now. But what else will be different one, two, five years from now? It scares me.

an excerpt from the autobiography i never thought i’d write

#the-capricious #the capricious #insanity #text #writing #prose #idk i saw some things earlier and i wanted to write this #writers on tumblr

the-capricious

be strong, go on

don’t let their words find us

stay strong, keep moving

can’t let the darkness blind us

keep strong, carry on

we’ll be the ones that pull the stars down to us

the-capricious

keep calm, keep moving

can’t let the darkness find us

stay strong, carry on

we’ll bring the stars down to us

#the-capricious #the capricious #poetry #writing #text #words #insanity #reblog #poets on tumblr

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