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Today's Document
oozey mess
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@the-clusterfuck-archives
I owe you an explanation (intro post)
Premise:
I start TMA and my ten month temporary office job on the same day and listen to an episode of The Magnus Archives every workday. At this pace, they'd both wrap up around the same time, creating a limited edition immersive experience
Hypothesis:
This is going to make my big boy job feel spooky and exciting and I'll be too locked in to think about my impostor syndrome
About me:
I never outgrew the habit of buying things larger than they need to be "because I'll grow into them one day". I've been 5'3 for nine years and choose my clothing as if I still might shoot up to the sky. I have never seen a 26yo manage to look more "youngest child who got all their siblings' hand-me-downs" than I do
I love the sudden tumblr update. It is not stressful at all having 16 notifications that will not go away no matter how many times I refresh the notification section or close the app
Episode 20
(14th of August 2026)
Glad Jonathan found the other half of the statement before he died of old age
I got three hours of sleep and then I got crushed by a revolving door bc I was distracted. I didn't even have my phone out I was staring at a poster outside the building while I walked through the door. It actually fucked up my arm a bit so K and F convinced me to write an incident report but the form was confusing (does walking into the building count as "injured while carrying out work"? etc) so I had to ask my supervisor for help filling it out and then explain to him that I got crushed in a revolving door
The form was lacking in descriptive tick boxes. "Revolving door" was not an option in the hazardous machinery section so my supervisor had me tick "crushing and pulverising machinery", a thing we definitely have in our quiet office building. He transcribed my experience into the report with banger phrases such as "entrapment" and "stationary wall" with a straight face. He also reported the poster that I got distracted by
My arm still hurts to move. Off to buy fancy patisserie cake now!!
Reading in two languages by candlelight with a glass of wine and loud rock music in the middle of the night like any good insomniac
My work crush, Jonathan Sims-
Jonathan Sims is in danger when I get my hands on him
Episode 19
(13th of August 2026)
- Statement begins: my name is Toby Carlisle and I hate my downstairs neighbour-
- Some familiar names. The priest and Annie, both from episode 8
- I liked Jonathan's little joke about dying of old age while trying to organise the archives I thought that was funny
We got paid again today. It's so fun listening to bbno$ and actually relating to the lyrics now. I used to sing my own version of Bing Bong that went "blow a little money now I got none left"
Looking forward to my Friday twelve hour nap tmr night
This series is growing on me. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm really looking forward to my next episode tmr. I crave it like chocolate. I wanna eat it all at once
I know idk what Jonathan looks like but I hc he wears a pin stripe blazer with platform docs. If he doesn't he should
I just found out B has been going by their deadname this whole time and they revealed that their real name is the exact feminine version of mine and that is hilarious
The two Fs (yes that's what our real names start with) with matching corporate rainbow lanyards... Queers from hell...
Episode 18
(12th of August 2026)
- Episode 19 is gonna be like “statement of one Toby Carlisle, regarding his downstairs neighbour. Statement begins: I had this spoilt brat neighbour who expected everyone in our building to be as silent as a mime so I started fucking with him by hammering on the walls every fortnight-
- Heheh. Meat room
I've started a bit at work (bc I wasn't sure what to put on my desk walls) where I'm building a fake conspiracy theory by pinning up nonsensical notes and pictures and newspaper clippings and connecting them with red string. It includes my beloved quote "once is a pattern". During our hourly breaks B comes to visit my desk, stands in front of my conspiracy wall pretending to think and we mutter things like "it all makes sense now" and "we're going to get to the bottom of this". I intend to add a new clue to my wall each week until my wall is a giant mess of red string by the end of my employment
Episode 17
(11th of August 2026)
I CAN'T BELIEVE JONATHAN TALKS LIKE THAT TO HIS BOSS?? HE MUST BE REALLY GOOD AT HIS JOB IF HE CAN MOUTH OFF LIKE THAT AND NOT GET FIRED
I feel physically horrible... Sleep deprivation and caffeine and tummy ache and anxiety... And now the rest of my night is taken up by not one but two social events at noisy bars and then I'll end up going to bed late again and being tired for work all over again tmr but these social events are rare and I can sleep properly tmr night so I just gotta tough it out for one more day... ><
We had to fill out a WHS Desk Ergonomics checklist or some shit today and it asked if we have any pre-existing medical conditions that might impact our setup and B said I should write "ADHD" bc I can never sit still and am genuinely spinning around and around or side to side at my desk all day
There was one question that asked whether I make sure to sit with my feet flat on the floor and I thought to myself "...sometimes. for two seconds"
You'll be lucky for me to not be sitting cross legged or backwards using the back of the chair as an arm rest. While still spinning
Me hitting up the Magnus Institute the next time there's a spider in my house
Episode 16
(10th of August 2026)
Bruh. I typed this all out on the wrong blog and it wouldn't let me switch blogs and I'm not writing it all again so I'm just posting screenshots of the whole thing 😭
I'm totally not hypervigilant now from listening to someone talk about spiders for twenty minutes and I definitely didn't get jumpscared by my own laptop charger