Tumblr devoted to SWTOR, or Star Wars: The Old Republic. 22 y.o., transmasculine, takes no shit. Occassionally posts nsfw content. Also posts art and writing. :D
“Is that you, Khim? Oh, gods . . . it’s been so long.”
Sooooo...at this point I’m pretty much entirely done with SWTOR, but y’know the one person who’s able to motivate me to churn out some related artwork? @erinmccomics. Seeing Outlander!Khim pushing through stuff and being a good person, and meanwhile I’m like “. . . so where’s Alexei in all of this? Because that’s something I need to know.” Long story short: they’re off with the Blacklist Six taking care of bounties against Zakuul. It just so happens that their ship crashlands onto Odessan, where Alex proceeds to have a flashback, because crashing ships? They remember crashing ships. The one was called the Aurora and that was fuuuuuuuuuun.
So yeah, still heavy-set against returning to SWTOR, buuut I did want to shout out Erin because her content is great! And I love the idea of Alexei coming to Khim’s aid as he figures everything out. I think they’d be really glad to see one another. <3
AKA why I haven’t been posting very much. Full thing below the cut.
Soooooooooooo...I haven’t been well.
I want to say that it started at the end of August, but to be honest this has been building all summer. I think it’s pretty easy to tell that I haven’t been well since the summer began, just in a variety of risk-taking and emotional baggage that I’ve been carrying around. I mean, I was fucking with tips at work - while I understand the sort of vigilante justice shindig I was getting at, that could’ve cost me my job long before I was ready to leave. That, and the frustration I had about the job, were really unhealthy signs that told me I needed to get out. Since then, as of late August, my behavior’s manifested in worsening ways, and I finally got put onto a medication regimen that was going to help me feel a little less shitty.
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut I think I know the truth now. Or, at least some of it.
When I first started this tumblr it was entirely for me to shout into the void and screw around in a fandom I was really excited about. It was a chance for me to rave about my OCs like everybody else. And that wouldn’t have been a big deal if things hadn’t gone like they did. But: they did, and my responses are my own, and that’s my issue to deal with.
The long and short of it is this: back in the spring I joined a group that was made up of a bunch of people in the fandom who were all friends of this main person. We all enjoyed each others’ company, and besides some . . . sticky situations which I won’t go into, we all just had a fun time talking about SWTOR. What was really nice was that I felt like I had a voice? And I wasn’t always being put down for being outrageous or energetic or excited. That was a really nice thing.
And then things began to shift.
I want to preface this by saying that I have no bad feelings towards anybody, because that would be shit, but I also want to make it clear: lots of the things I felt have been motivated by trauma from my own history, i.e. abuse. So that’s why I have been responding in the ways I have been. Regardless of that, the people I’m talking about are all fantastic, even if I won’t name them by name, because privacy.
Some people in the group began to click really well with one another; some of them began to become really popular in ways that I got to watch from the sidelines. That’s not anybody’s fault; it happens. When people have good content and ideas, that stuff happens. These people are still my friends, and I’m happy for their successes.
Well . . . or at least I want to be.
But some part of me started getting upset about it. It was this little voice that turned into this monster - why were they getting so much success when I was doing the same damn things in my corner, and at times better? Why were they becoming big when I wasn’t? It was more than that, too; I would make good content, KNOW it was good, KNOW I had an audience, but never got attention. I would churn out a post that got really popular - to me sixty notes was a godsend! - but almost nothing on my personal stuff. I was having moments of great success, but they never translated. It sort of became an obsession. I wanted to be relevant and interested and get attention. Unfortunately, it got to a point where I was feeling so proud of the stuff I was making, but couldn’t understand why they were never as popular as the rare 60+ or even 100+ notes I got on occasion. Everybody else was soaring and meanwhile I felt like I was sinking. So, I did what was best for me: I put this tumblr on hiatus and got the hell out of dodge for a little while.
I know this sounds a bit like a pity party - which I guess it is. I didn’t realize for a long time that this was how I was feeling. Now I’m a little closer to figuring it out, which is a blessing. But there’s still a lot of work to be done.
I’m just going to be upfront right now: I’m not sure I’m returning to SWTOR whenever I get back. Much as I can recognize WHY the resentment’s here, that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less real. And lots of it is stewed in the fandom. So if that’s the only reason you were here, then I totally get if now’s the time for you to peace out.
In the MEANTIME. I am working on content that’s way more exciting for me, that’s original work, that I really want to develop and push for my own creative benefit. That means, surprise surprise, working towards my dream of being a full-time artist. I’m not sure if it’ll be on this blog or not, if I may just rename this one, but I’ve reached a point where if my work is only selectively-viewed, then I’m going to make it the stuff that I feel will get my places. That means more of my art, my writing, revamping my Patreon, maybe even making a website. The first step to battling this resentment is to take out the competition, and if it’s my own work then I’m only competing with myself.
This is not going to happen overnight. It’s going to take some time; I’m still struggling with other things right now. But: those are what my thoughts have been and I figured it was finally time to share them. I know there are gonna be people that leave, or think me a brainless twat, but if that’s how you feel, then so be it. I understand now why I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing.
tl;dr I’ve grown to resent my own work and the work of those around me, and I’m sick of it. From now on I’m going to measure my success on my own terms, and stop feeling bitter about the people around me.
One day, you get a knock on your door. When you open it, you see the protagonist from your favorite book standing there, wide-eyed. “I know you won’t believe me,” they say, “but you’re the main character of my favorite book. I know how it ends and I’m here to change it.”
hey it’s october so i just thought i’d let you guys know i’ll never post jump scares and am extremely anti-screamer or anything else along those lines. i hope you’re all ok and stay safe this month
feel free to rb this as much as you want! just because it’s tagged with “personal” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell your followers this too. let people know you have a safe blog!
National Coming Out Day is coming up (October 11) and I just want to remind everyone:
1) Please do not out anyone (even if you “think you are doing them a favor.” Trust me when I say you aren’t) and make sure you don’t accidentally do so.
2) It is okay to be in the closet. Please do not feel pressure to/obligated to come out because there so happens to be a Coming Out Day. (Do it for you if it’s what you want).
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
How you guys doing? Good? Me? Not so well. Never mind that.
I may not be producing content at this very moment, but I did go back through my old works and found this gem. It’s very old - five years of age has crusted over this beast - but while it’s clearly written by a teenager, some of the ideas hold up quite nicely, so I thought it’d be interesting to post for those who were interested in reading. Warning: it’s a long one.
No, it’s not Star Wars. I hope to return to that content, but for now I just have this. I do have other works I’ll be putting up that, while not SWTOR, may be original content, so cross your fingers for that.
I don’t like doing this, but I am going to offer you guys an update.
Right now my financial situation isn’t stable; I’m transitioning into this new job, but I’ve been struggling to make ends meet with rent etc. All of my payments have been going onto my credit card, which I’ll have to pay back eventually - but I haven’t had the chance to do that yet. Simply-put, I’ve only pulled in about $150 for this month in finances.
I’m not super desperate - I have some options - but it isn’t a great scenario.
That being said, I know I’ve been quiet, but if you guys want to help me out, you have two options. For one, I have a redbubble and make some money from the sales; I also have a ko-fi and will gladly offer small commissions through there. When I say small, I mean like a bust-up picture of a character, sketched and inked and maybe colored; I don’t have enough eggs in any basket to offer more.
Any new content for SWTOR beyond commissions is entirely on hold while I try to pull things together. To be honest, with how things have been I haven’t wanted to put my mind into the fandom at all. Again, unwell.
If you have any other ways you want to help, just message me or something. I really don’t want to inconvenience anybody, but at the same time - I could use any help right now. (I’m not even 100% sure I’m making rent this month.)
Daytime reblog. Some of you have already helped - thank you so much. I’m planning on getting in touch with each of you individually, just right now I’m exhausted from a doctor’s appointment - I will try to get back to you all before tomorrow evening.
I don’t like doing this, but I am going to offer you guys an update.
Right now my financial situation isn’t stable; I’m transitioning into this new job, but I’ve been struggling to make ends meet with rent etc. All of my payments have been going onto my credit card, which I’ll have to pay back eventually - but I haven’t had the chance to do that yet. Simply-put, I’ve only pulled in about $150 for this month in finances.
I’m not super desperate - I have some options - but it isn’t a great scenario.
That being said, I know I’ve been quiet, but if you guys want to help me out, you have two options. For one, I have a redbubble and make some money from the sales; I also have a ko-fi and will gladly offer small commissions through there. When I say small, I mean like a bust-up picture of a character, sketched and inked and maybe colored; I don’t have enough eggs in any basket to offer more.
Any new content for SWTOR beyond commissions is entirely on hold while I try to pull things together. To be honest, with how things have been I haven’t wanted to put my mind into the fandom at all. Again, unwell.
If you have any other ways you want to help, just message me or something. I really don’t want to inconvenience anybody, but at the same time - I could use any help right now. (I’m not even 100% sure I’m making rent this month.)
AO3 recent comments on Article 11 and 13 and how it will affect fandom if passed
please spread the word, and get in contact via this website it is so easy to send a pre-worded email over and get things rolling. help us out!! we made it through the july vote, but it’s come back round super fast.
AO3 just posted an update on how it could be affected after the recent vote. basically it is definitely bad for the environment of creativity, but it’s not the end right now - and it’s important as much as we can now we channel concerns into action because in the run up to the final vote and we can influence the outcome for the future of creative works and for our fandom experiences!!!
the post AO3 made is a really good outline for people to read and catch up on what’s going on, and see how they can help.
okay sure. psychosis? scarier to have than to know someone who has it. DID? im more a threat to myself than people around me. wheelchairs and psych meds? are tools that help people live more functional and flexible lives and are not judgments of the persons character and for sure are not scary things. and for real, intellectually disabled people are not threats, but movies love to make them villains because they act different and understand the world differently. and people with notable physical differences? people who’s bodies look different? people with scars, growths, amputations, etc? are literally just people. and seeing themselves painted like monsters on the big screen is absolutely sickening and damaging to how society will see them.
its not only bad writing but its extremely harmful to people who actually live with conditions that are misrepresented in media. when i found out i had DID, my mom freaked out because her only point of reference was Sybil. when i was younger and first went on psych meds, i thought it meant i was set on a track to be a bad person, because in so many movies and video games you find out the bad guy has medication in his bed side table for some sort of psych disorder. the worst thing a hallucination has ever made me do was wake my mom up at 3 AM to check my bathroom to see if the bugs i saw everywhere were real and the worst thing an “episode” of any sort has made me do is hurt myself. my ptsd doesnt make me kill people, my alters dont kidnap people, my autism doesnt make me so morally unaware that ill murder for senselessly, my ocd doesnt make me hurt people etc etc etc
literally the only “horror” is the ableism. and the only way you can write good horror about disability and mental illness is if the focus is on how society and the medical field treat us rather than focusing on how we are apparently so scary, threatening, and bad.
Mentally ill person here. At this point, my friend and I write horror from the perspective of mental health being horrifying for the person who is ill. If it IS a scary scenario for others because somebody else is ill, it’s because it’s a friend and they’re worried. Neither of us ever, ever use somebody’s mental illness to say “this person is evil, this person is bad”. If anything we write it to say “this is a scary thing when it’s not managed but otherwise this person is totally fine and cool and you could be eating ice cream with them”. Neither of us have written mental illness as being the sole reason somebody is an aggressor, and often times our aggressors are mentally well, they just happen to be douchebags.
That’s what I do with Alexei, Natasha, Channery, any of my babies. If something in a scene is scary, it’s because they’re having an episode. Alexei has a flashback and starts screaming because they see Bloodworthy again; Natasha thinks Scourge is going to hit her because she’s thinking of the trauma from her father, and she cannot rationalize that Scourge would never, ever do that (and after that he learns never to even get his body involved when they’re arguing; he doesn’t even pace or anything, he doesn’t want to scare her). Channery starts dissociating because the Force is using her vessel. Freaking Eden has PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and the only bit that’s scary about them is that they’re an ethereal abomination that is so drowned in the Force that they need cybernetics just to keep them on the surface level!
*sigh*
But we write like that because we have experience. My friend’s been in bad places, I’ve been in bad places, I’ve spent the last few weeks in a bad place. These experiences are scary for us because of mental illness, yes, but that’s because we understand we are ill, not because we don’t understand somebody else is ill. And honestly, if somebody told me that my mental illness scared them - you can bet I’d punch them in the noggin, because I’m more fucking scared of my beasts than they’d ever know!
This isn’t even a fear of the unknown thing that people can get away with anymore. One of the most publically-advertised horror films from the last year, Split, was about a man with multiple personalities, which ticked me off because it’s so damn easy to just go online and find out what it means for somebody. It’s so damn easy to go “oh, this is what’s going on, he’s probably just as scared as we are”. But because people never think to look it up, they continue to be scared. Because horror film has taught that it is scary.
This is my problem with the genre of horror movies: when used, mental illness is a scapegoat for horror and reverses the progress we make on mental health awareness and acceptance. Much as we can tell somebody “most mentally-ill people are utterly harmless and more likely to be hurt than hurt others”, it’s very hard to change minds when all the knowledge you get is from horror films - films that are meant to impact your mind. What’s going to stick out to you more, a documentary about a kid with bipolar, or a jumpscare of a bipolar serial killer breaking out of a shack with an axe?? (Okay, maybe I was thinking of Jason. Sue me.)
What makes it worse is that it isn’t really stopping. Split at least acknowledged some of the problems in the genre - the antagonist is shown to be seeking help - but it’s not enough. We need to put an end to this dumb fucking trope that illness=evilness. We need to put an end to it not just by combating it, but also not fucking using it. Which means that us who are advocating and us who are storytelling need to band together and create better characters and better stories with better information. Down with the days where the villain is the sick one; long live characters who can be ill and still be a hero.
tl;dr Horror tropes are shit; don’t use illness as a fear factor.
I mean, I draw my eyes with hearts, which change depending on how evil, crazed, or otherwise altered the character is. It’s a language that I think’s been noticeable for the past - what - six months?
Seriously, stop everything you’re doing for the next twenty minutes and watch this video:
Although “George Lucas” has become synonymous with “Star Wars,” it’s really his collaboration with – and occasionally intervention from – the creative team surrounding him that helped launch the first movie into the stratosphere.
As the video points out, the movie that won all those Academy Awards – including, critically, the one for editing – was sculpted into its best-known and deservingly praised form by the editing team of Marcia Lucas (seen above), Paul Hirsch and Richard Chew.
If you’re at all interested in filmmaking or specifically the making of Star Wars, I can’t recommend “How Star Wars was Saved in the Edit” enough.
