Murmurs of a Broken Soul

The rantings of a young adult with WAY too much insight.

[the-endless-choice]

Been a Long Time...

It’s been some time since I wrote anything here. A few posts then poof! Life moves on, the mind forgets, and other things become priorities. However I can’t help but want to post something today.

Why?

I don’t know. Maybe because for the first time in my life, as I enter adulthood, I start to see things, things about myself and the world, with more clarity than ever before. I still don’t like looking in the mirror and would rather wear jeans and long-sleeve shirts. I still feel lost and unsure of my future and honestly I feel uncertain about my sexual orientation still as well. As a writer I find myself writing more heterosexual couples then homosexual. But in reality I find myself more attracted to women than men. Sometimes I wonder if its the degree of separation between character and author or the one relationship I’ve ever been in being with a guy. 

Maybe it has to do with both.

I only know what I feel, and to try and label it has only caused heartache in the past. I’ve spent eighteen years thinking that I had to label everything I felt, that confusion was something that needed to be ‘cured’ ASAP. But now I’m beginning to realize that if I don’t just stop, slow down, and let myself learn not just about the world but about what I want, what I need, out of it: I’m only going to tear myself to pieces once more.

I don’t know if I’ll continue this blog, or why I even started it in the first place. I guess it’s just nice to write down your emotions every once in a while and send them out into the world without fear of judgement. Because in the end, whether from myself or those I love, I know that’s what I’m most afraid of. But maybe one day... one day I won’t be afraid.

[the-endless-choice]

Running From Reality...

So I have officially been up all night, unable to sleep, honestly not wanting to sleep. I find that when I lay down and close my eyes my mind starts to wander. That every moment I'm not doing something to distract myself my mind wanders toward things that I don't want to think about. Whether it's facing the facts of my impending graduation, questioning my sexuality thanks to the decade of self-abuse deterring me from accepting who I am, things I need to get done, people I've left in the past, etc.

Tonight is no different.

The invading thoughts just won't leave me alone. I find myself procrastinating out of fear that purposeful things that will drain my energy and stress me out will fail to distract me from the bothering thoughts that haunt me every semi-awake hour. I dream of darkness and I live in confusion. In those brief moments of clarity before I fall asleep I find myself faced with the truth, with reality, and instead of embracing it and finding a solution and moving on, I run. I run as fast and as far as my mind will allow and I push those borders with every ounce of my strength.

Why?

Because I haven't lived in reality in a long time. Due to my anxiety and depression I've spent the past three years mentally absent from the world around me, paying attention to the absolute minimum. I lived in my imagination and more than that I destroyed myself within there. Sometimes I was supportive and encouraging and other times I was brutal, destructive, and caused harm that I sometimes doubt can be healed.

Wounds caused by others are painful and devastating, they hurt more than anything. And yet in the short time I've been alive I've found out an odd occurrence. That despite this, the wounds that are the hardest to heal, are the ones we inflict on ourselves.

Those are the scars that fail to fade because we continue to tear them back open.

[the-endless-choice]

Oh Geez High School...

The first time I actually found out about sexuality was in my freshman year of high school. I worked hard and attended a school in a different town to be a part of their Vocational Agriculture Program because at the time I wanted to be a vet. There I made a new and very dear friend who was openly bisexual. She was the first non-straight person I'd met that was out of the closet. The fact that she was confident and comfortable about it was an INCREDIBLE way to be introduced to the community.

She was also the first person to calmly ask me what my sexuality was instead of assuming what it was if I didn't say anything. At the time I shrugged and I believe I said straight or that I wasn't certain. I was shy and nervous so I didn't really want to stand out if I said that I honestly wasn't certain.

I wish I could say that freshman year ended well but I'm afraid it didn't. Barely three months in I suffered an emotional / mental breakdown and by the end of the year I had been diagnosed with a Severe Anxiety Disorder and decided it was best if I returned to my local school system.

The next three years of high school would sadly not be much better.

[the-endless-choice]

No Second Thoughts...

It wasn't until years later when I was in eighth grade that the subject reared its head again. While hanging out in my backyard with my best friend we started talking about boys. Two teenage girls, what'd you expect? I confessed to her that I'd never been kissed. Her response?

"I'd kiss you."

I turned to look at her, without any hesitation or second thoughts (not even a first thought) completely okay with the idea.

"If one of us was a guy."

The fact that my heart dropped, that I felt... disappointed. That I wanted to kiss her and that I had no problem with it, that it felt natural to me was the second inkling of my sexuality that I had. But at this time I was still unaware of sexuality. So I bottled it up and kept it hidden.

Thirteen and oblivious.

Yeah... Not fun.

[the-endless-choice]

First Inkling...

The first time I knew that I wasn't straight was when I was about seven or eight. I was just your average kid attending public school in your average suburb. But one day, my class took a field trip to the private academy in my town. I don't remember why, I don't remember what we did there, I don't remember what season it was. All I remember is the bus ride there. I was shy without the presence of my few friends so I kept to myself. The driver had the radio on, so I listened to it. Katy Perry's 'I Kissed A Girl' came on and while everyone else starting singing along, I sat there thinking.

I started thinking about what it would be like to kiss a girl. But I'm a nineties kid and this was well before I'd ever heard of the gay rights movement, sexuality, or anything of the sort. I'd had no exposure and so I assumed that I was having wrong thoughts. In the coming months, the coming years; I would spend the moments before I fell asleep, when my mind was most vulnerable, I would turn on myself. Tell myself I wasn't supposed to think like that, make up stories where I fell in love with a boy, make myself think in a way I assumed was the way I was supposed to think.

That was the beginning of the destruction.

[the-endless-choice]

Strange Circumstances...

So unlike a lot of my peers, the problems I face with my sexuality don't come from outside sources. My parents are uneducated but very supportive. My friends (that know at least) are supportive, even more so than my parents seeing as they're more educated in all honesty.

But it wasn't always like that.

[the-endless-choice]

So It Begins...

I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing. Or why. I guess I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest. Yes, there are other ways I could’ve gone about this. I could’ve found a website, a chat room, a therapist, or just talked to my friends. Or myself. Why not?

I guess I wanted to see if there were others. Others out there that were looking for people who understood. If there are, I don’t live in a place where I can find them. Plus, I’m too shy in real life to pursue them, to seek them out.

So here I am, turning to the anonymity of the internet. Of tumblr of all places. Why tumblr? Convenience I guess.

This is going to involve LGBTQ issues. If that’s not your cup of tea, that’s fine. That won’t be what this is completely about but it will come up and likely frequently. However, at least at first, it won’t be what you’re expecting. Unlike a lot of my peers, I haven’t suffered external abuse. Both my parents know, both are supportive albeit uneducated. The one who hates who I am… is me.

There’ll also be stuff about college, depression, anxiety, mental disorders, school, friendship, relationships, self-esteem, external and internal pressures, sexuality, emotional orientation, the difference between the two, cats, animals, writing, drawing, sports, games, and more. Really this is just going to be a hodge-podge of random stuff running through my mind.

For all I know I may start talking about the meaning of life or the secrets of the universe. I have no idea where I’ll end up going with this blog if I even remember I created it after today. Any-who…

Welcome to complete and utter nonsense.