Routinely going absolutely nutty seeing people act like aftercare is a specific activity. In case you have only ever heard of aftercare in one specific way— aftercare doesn’t refer to an activity: complete with cuddling, affirmations, hair stroking, water bottles, blankets, nuzzling noses and kissing… at least, it doesn’t inherently refer to any of those things. It isn’t inherently any specific activity. I’m begging on my hands and knees for us to realize.
Aftercare isn’t a script, it isn’t mass produced and packaged. It isn’t the same every time, and it doesn’t contain the same stuff (or even accomplish the same emotional needs) between different people! Aftercare is what you do to take care of someone after you’ve been in an altered headspace from sex or BDSM with them. Specifically, it’s what you do in order to come back to a regulated headspace. That’s it.
It can depend on personal preference, how well you know your partner, or be context or play dependent! It can be physical or verbal, long or short, low energy or high energy. In dynamic or out of dynamic. Romanticizing a specific acceptable image of what care looks like isn’t good for us. It’s even led to me seeing people asking “What if I don’t need aftercare?” And if that’s been you, I’m going to blow your mind. If you feel like you “don’t need aftercare” just because you feel like breaking out in hives from being cuddled and doted on and given affirmations and water, that doesn’t actually mean you’re skipping out on aftercare. Being left alone might be your aftercare.
Yeah, crazy right? Some people come up to baseline and can prevent drop with a hug, a joint, and super smash. Some people’s aftercare is a long cry and time alone before reconnecting and checking in in the morning. Some people just want to take a fucking nap. And yeah, cuddles and kisses and water and candy are all really nice things most people really enjoy! But aftercare needs are as diverse as kink interests in the first place. You can’t assume that everyone is doing kink with the same emotional palette, the same insecurities to be reassured or the same goals. You’ve gotta talk about it!
You have to talk to your partner about the context of your play. For me, my play, negotiation, and aftercare are so context dependent. Did we just meet an hour ago and now we’re recovering from a pick-up spanking scene at the dungeon, or are you my fuckbuddy, my casual tumblr play partner or my romantic partner of two years? I actually would feel wildly uncomfortable doing the same things with all of those people! And yet, if I’m a responsible respectful play partner, aftercare is present with all of them. You don’t have to try to fit a certain mold of care or throw away the concept of aftercare altogether. You just have to be open and honest communicators, insightful about what your own needs are, and willing to listen to your partner about what they need from you. You’ve got this, I promise!
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