The Infinity within me

Either our eyes neglect to see the vastness of space, or the night sky refuses to expose it to us. Humans, too, carry their own infinity with them. Here is a glimpse of mine.

[the-infinity-within]

Assay

Dear readers will assay this writing of foreign origin.   Pitch black, not just dark, utterly lightless. Bzzz bzzz, LIGHT. The name on the screen has woken me up many times before. I get to be useful now.

“I’m going swimming, write the word of the day.”

Fuck assay.

Communication is my word of 2017

Communication is the key to a more prosperous humanity. It’s the final step in the scientific process, but I feel like it is often left out.

Communication is teleportation.

As I lay on the trampoline suspended in air, I look towards the puffy sky illuminated by the moon. Around my peripheral vision, I see the silhouette of the trampoline net. That’s it, a bright night sky and the shadows around me, I’m transported into a 2D world.

I hear voices, I just met the voices. Before they were voices, they were names.

Names, voices, friends. I guess that is how it works

The clouds continue their journey westward and expose the most dazzling moon. She is like that annoying car who has her brights on in absolute darkness. However, this moon shone not just light, but beauty. In the distance, the red eyes wink at me. Not just me, the whole big small town. They were created to wink at airplanes, but they wink for me too.

The contrast between day and night is much more than the position of a star in the sky. It is the feeling of lost potential, of self reflection. It is easy to be consumed by earthly life when a blue sky protects us from ourselves. But when the blue night fades and the universe is screaming its vastness into my ear, I die. My heart sinks, and I die. My worry dies, my anxiety dies, my need for money dies. I remember that in this big universe, I can do whatever I want. No made up concept as silly as currency is going to ruin my life.

And then she leaves me.

She is replaced by a different beast, a brighter monster, full of jobs and healthcare and taxes. In just 8 minutes and 20 seconds she throws the weight back on, it’s daytime.

~

Inhale.

Exhale.

Focus on the breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Come back to the breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

~

Communicate.

How am I actually feeling? When you ask me what I want, “I don’t know” is out of my mouth before I even process what you said. Am I really that apathetic? Maybe? Are my feelings valid enough for me to take the time to figure out what they are?

Life happens to me too much, I need to slow down and happen to life.

Why go to work tomorrow? Why need the paycheck? Do I really need a cell phone and internet access?

NO

What I need is for everyone around me to view me as normal and likable. If it weren’t for all of you I’d be

I’d be

If it weren’t for you

If it weren’t for me

503

[the-infinity-within]

Why I’m against gender equality

That my friends is what we in the business call clickbait. I honestly can’t believe that gender studies is an actual thing. As a young, liberal person, most people would expect me to hop on the boat and say that there are more than two genders. But that is a sinking boat.

Sex- When you look between your legs, what do you see? For the purposes of this writing it’s either going to be a penis or a vagina.

Gender- For the traditional view, it’s the either the short haired one that can be president or the second class one that can cook better than it can drive.

It is my belief based on fact, logic and biology that there are only two sexes, penis owner and vagina owner. In my eyes, there are only two genders also. Sex is based on your physical body; gender is what role you choose to play in our society. Most times the gender matches the sex, you will either have a penis owner who grows up with the values of providing, protecting, and being enough, or vagina owners who grow up with the values of nurturing, nourishing, and relying on a penis owner. This assumption comes the minute we are born when we are wrapped in either a blue or pink blanket.

These gender roles can change over time, in fact they are getting more liberal, but they will never be equal. These two genders only exist culturally and socially, and many liberal people are pushing to add more. I can’t emphasize how wrong this is.

I admire gender fluid people; those who identify with whatever gender they are feeling at the time, maybe they wake up male, and by lunch they are female. They choose which social role they are going to fill at a moment’s notice. Although it is admirable, it just beating around the bush.

Just don’t identify yourself as anything.

Although, people will identify you as the gender the matches your sex and that can be a nuisance, so take it a step further.

Refuse to acknowledge the genders of others.

It’s what needs to be done; it frees them. Some people will fight you. They will hold on to their unseen chains with pride, apathetic to the fact that they aren’t even there.

Let’s live in the real world a moment. Sexes exist. Genitals exist. Genders don’t. Genders are what corporations ask you so they know whether to advertise a blue bike or a pink bike to you. The last thing our society needs is another demographic. I find it hard to believe that even trans people just want to fit into a different social role; I don’t want to fit into a role at all.

Who said we had to choose? Why do others make the choice for us? Why can’t we realize that the emperor is naked?

Ideal Scenario:

People exist. Individuals are born equal and are seen for their actions, values, and characteristics. Everyone’s sexuality is pansexuality, sure people have preference about genitals, but attraction is based on character before sex comes into play. Aesthetic identity has a new role, whatever you want it to be. You can’t just glance at someone and know what kind of genitals they have. You don’t care.

The societal impact equality form birth would have is extraordinary.

Apartheid

Wait what? We were just talking about gender?!

Actually we were talking about the harm demography, labeling, and stereo typing does, but I see your point.

Apartheid didn’t just come to be, it was constructed. The leaders told the people that they were different from each other and that differences were bad. Each tribe was its own society, looking down upon the rest with blame. As a result, South Africa kinda sucked. It wasn’t able to flourish until it was united. Race, language, and skin color were the tools used to hurt this society.

We have gender.

We aren’t able to flourish as a society with these gender roles glaring at us every time we see someone in a skirt. This demographic category is just another thing to promote our differences and it needs to be destroyed.

If you are unhappy with your societal conditions, change them.

Don’t identify as male or female. Those roles weren’t made for you.

Don’t recognize the gender roles of others. Just see them for who they are, and let them be.

Identify as yourself.

[the-infinity-within]

Evolution of Emotion

A feeling is just like a thought, but without words. It’s the same sensation as when your inner narrative uses words and language to convey an idea. That’s how the mind works. The inner monologue builds on itself until new ideas are created. Education feeds us bricks, but our mind builds a castle. Now, imagine and idea so complex that not even the human brain can find the linguistic terms to describe it. Now you have a feeling. Feelings, like thoughts, stay in the brain. Emotions, however are the effect of feelings. The feeling communicates itself to the body creating an emotion. At this point, your whole body is trying to convey this idea to itself. Feelings are always directed at an object. Anger is usually the feeling directed at unmet expectations; sadness is the feeling directed at not being enough; and love is the feeling directed at another person.

Let’s talk about love. There are different kinds. Surely, you wouldn’t love your husband the same way you love your daughter? You love your husband in a passionate and romantic way; you’re daughter, in a caring and nurturing way. Why have these two differentiating feelings been labeled love? What do they have in common?

First, the husband. When you first set eyes on him there was a slight attraction. There was no reason for it. There were causes, sure. There were motives at play that caused you to fall in love with him, but there was no reason for it. The love you felt that first time was small, but it was still there; we’ll call it the foundation level. This level is just a hair passed just liking someone. It means you can appreciate them as a whole, despite their shortcomings. The foundation level is binary, it’s either there or it’s not. And, it’s temporary. Unless the next level comes, this love, authentic as it may be, will fade.

The second level is a scale. It starts when you truly begin to know somebody. You see into their heart as they share their desires with you. You know their characteristics, and can sense that they love you too. This level can still move about the scale even if it isn’t the top level. This is the familiarity scale. This scale is constantly escalating, years go by and this scale continues to rise because people change over time, and we are constantly striving to maintain a familiarity with them. The scale can go up or down, and without effort put forth, it will go down.

The last level will be called the passionate level. This level is always temporary. It lasts for just a few moments in times of extreme passionate love for the object of your love.

Now let’s take this model and apply it to two scenarios. First the husband. This love is romantic. Upon meeting and with the first indications of attraction, the foundation level is brought into play. As you get to know this person, the familiarity scale goes up. And as long as you continue a current and lasting relationship, being sure to be familiar with your partner as he changes, this level will grow. This is where the historical aspect of love lives. This is where genuine love is grown.

The passionate level takes place occasionally throughout the life of the feeling. It can sprout up in moments of heated intimacy, romantic gestures, or personalized admiration.

The emotion itself has all of these ideas built into it. The most important being the familiarity level. This is where historical loves comes from, it’s also a place to store the new history that takes place over time. When you feel love, your brain is trying to remind you of the foundation level, the history behind the familiarity level, and perhaps the passionate level all at once. It’s too complex to put into words so your body sends a feeling.

The second example will be with your daughter. From the moment she was born, you loved her. Where your husband needed attraction to earn him the foundation level, your daughter was gifted it simply by holding the office of being your offspring. As she developed into a real human being capable of cognitive thought, you were able to love in her intimately for who she is through the familiarity level. And in cases where she makes you proud or gives you a sense of adoration, the passionate level kicks in.

So what we have here are two complex ideas with historical data built in to the feeling of love. Since there are really two different things, we can’t call them both love. There has to be lovehusband and lovedaughter. Both accurate, and perhaps both feelings are similar, none the less different. This means that the term love is a broad sense of the word describing the basics of the feeling without a particular object in mind. The complexity of this emotion differentiates itself for each object.

If we look at it on a polygamous platform. The love one partner has for each of his lovers is in fact unique for both. Making each partner irreplaceable.

Taking a step back, it is quite remarkable that the brain chooses to convey this idea in feeling form rather than with language. It is able to say so much with no words at all.

This theory can be applied to any feeling. Say anger. You can be mildly ticked off for inconveniences, if they turn into trouble or setback, you may feel anger, and in times of temporary passion, you’ll feel outrage.

Time

We are 3 dimensional creatures living in a 4-dimensional world. We evolve and are never the same. Each new moment hosts new characters capable of different things than their predecessors. It only follows that emotion evolves with us.

[the-infinity-within]

The Teddy Bear and the Damaged Doll

In the land of misfit toys there was a large teddy bear. He was made of thick brown cloth and packed tightly with stuffing. As he walked through the land, (walked being a loose term since his thick cloth and tight stuffing made his walk more of an awkward gallop) he saw a porcelain doll. She was beautiful. Part of her beauty lay in the unique cracks all along her body where pieces had been glued back into place. The doll met the teddy bear’s gaze. “My owners didn’t know how fragile I was and kept breaking me; I had to learn how to glue myself back together” she said just as a small piece of her arm chipped off. The bear invited her back to his house and insisted that he help her glue the piece back on. While letting the glue dry, the bear shared his story. “I used to be like any other squishy teddy bear, but I felt weak, so I made my cloth thicker and packed myself as tight as I could with cotton. I became too hard and was rejected, that’s how I ended up here.” Finding each other’s story somewhat familiar, the two formed a friendship.           Often, pieces of the porcelain doll would fall off and the teddy bear would eagerly glue them back on. Occasionally pieces would come off in hard to reach places and the bear was the only one who could put them back on. Other times the breaks weren’t so serious and the doll could fix herself, but the bear quite liked being useful and enjoyed helping out his new friend. So the doll let him repair her everytime she broke.      This relationship went on for quite some time.The doll would break and the bear would put her back together again. But the porcelain doll wasn’t the only one with damage, the teddy bear was packed so tightly that sometimes his thick cloth would tear, spilling some of his stuffing. Little by little, new tears would open up and more stuffing would fall out. The bear would try to pack it back in, but his thick clothy paws made it impossible.     Even as his stuffing continued to dwindle, he was able to keep repairing his doll friend. A few times, the bear had begun to ask his friend if she could use her petite doll hands to pack in his stuffing and sew up his wounds, but almost as soon as he started, a piece of her would fall to the floor and he would stop to glue it back on. The bear was still able to function alright, even with his decreasing amount of stuffing; he didn’t want to bother the doll when her damages seemed more frequent and urgent.     But over time nearly all of the bear’s stuffing had fallen out. Until one day he was completely empty.      The doll came by in a panic with nearly half a dozen pieces in her only attached arm, when she saw the cloth on the floor. The sight made two more of her pieces fall to the floor. “PLEASE! HELP ME!” She pleaded. She thought her friend could still help her. At first she couldn’t understand that the bear was empty. She begged the cloth to fix her, until she realized what she had to do.      Broken and helpless the porcelain doll glued herself back together. Bit by bit, she helped herself become whole. It was hard, painful and unpleasant, but she knew that she was the only hope she had to fix her friend. It wasn’t about her damages any more, it was about his. For the sake of her friend she glued herself back together again all on her own. Back in one piece, she was able to find enough stuffing to fill her friend again. This time she didn’t fill him too tight so he would still be a little squishy for her. The bear was greatful for the help from his friend, but he was also sad that he missed the opportunity to help her when she needed him most. “Don’t be sad,” she said, “I should have helped you sooner, before you were completely empty. Why didn’t you say anything?” “I tried,” said the bear “but everytime I started you would break and I didn’t feel like my damage was as important.” “That’s silly,” she giggled “we’re friends, we’re here to help each other. I promise we’ll never let our damage get this bad again.” And the two damaged toys lived on. They helped each other when they were broken and remained best friends until the end of time.

THE END

[the-infinity-within]

Communication

It’s the word of 2017 for me at least say it, sing it, read it, write it, draw it, paint it, build it, play it. Communicate how you’re feeling ~ It’s kind of like mind reading but using mouths and ears Or hands and eyes if you’re in to that sort of thing What is it about vulnerability? Like an open wound. As if you have no skin and blood and guts are pouring out of your body. And those around can either sew you back up, pull your guts out and step on them, or open up their own wound and press it against yours - creating for a second two vulnerable people who understand each other deeply. Every night I get on this website to look at the wounds of my friends () an attempt to read their minds. Before bed I read their minds and ask myself how to heal these wounds But in order to do so I must rip open myself and expose my horrific bloody guts and press it into theirs That is the only way to be understood here we go

[the-infinity-within]

Time

Everything I want to do or become takes time. Yet here I am with all the time in the world, too overwhelmed to do any of it. Wishing for the past, hoping for the future, to lazy to do in the present.

I want to be the man I am in summer all of the time.

Summer nights are the gold of this life.

Here I am paying my cold debt.

[the-infinity-within]

I've always been deeply afraid of eternity and the prospect of spending all of time somewhere when I die and leave this world. But the fear is what keeps me alive.

[the-infinity-within]

I love sleep because it is the closest you can be to being dead without disappointing your parents

[the-infinity-within]

The world I want to live in Episode 1

Remember a few years ago when that one bakery didn’t want to serve gay people and everyone was upset because it was discrimination? I consider myself to be liberal and very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but I don’t think complaining about discrimination and forcing them to serve you is the best way to go about this. Boycott them, start your own bakery. Being selective in who they cater to could create a good business model (something like chick-fil-a), but more than likely the business will fail due to lack of consumers. I know people have lost faith in capitalism, but I just think we aren’t using it to its full potential.

I would go so far as to say I am a socialist, and I think it’s possible to mix socialism and capitalism to create something that everyone can get behind. Government intervention isn’t going to have a hand in it. Force and law will never bring about peace. Education and values are the way to go. If we can educate our country and instill in them values about the absolute value and awesomeness that is human life, we can create a better society. With those values in place, we can be free to be competitive and create quality products because we will have the peace of mind that our fellow man is still being treated equally. I feel like we only have lost faith in the system because we have lost faith in each other.

 I know this kind of took a turn, I never know where my words are going to take me and I probably didn’t think about this too hard. I just thought the gay bakery would be a more friendly way to help the problem of discrimination rather than outlaw selective catering.

Have faith in your fellow man

[the-infinity-within]

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My Brail,cvdm.,fnbfmdknkf/ss

MY BRAIN

is like an engine that won’t start

There is no gas in the tank

And

Because

My Brain engine isn’t attached to anything

Not a car or lawn mower

My brain is an engine

sitting on the side of the road

unattached

Just watching the cars go by

[the-infinity-within]

The Ocean

Preface: I wrote the following after 2 weeks at school. I was sad and emotional so I wrote and this happened. Going away to college is exactly like when you parents want you to learn how to swim, so they throw you in the deep end and tell you to figure it out. In the first few moments, the cool water is refreshing against your hot dry skin. The new freedoms you can enjoy are limitless, the days of dependence and following your parents dumb rules are over. But soon the shallow pool of freedoms turns into a depth of responsibility. Your head is the last of your body to be submerged. You can feel the water going in your nose, mouth and ears. The liquid eats you as you go deeper and deeper, you toes reach out for something solid to grasp on to, but there is nothing. The pressures of the real world, fill your optimistic and eager mind. The realization that you don't know how to swim sets in, you're drowning, so you panic. You can remember looking at the ocean of opportunity, wondering where the current will take you. You can now understand that underneath that ocean the forces of gravity are still at work, trying to bring you down. When you grasp the infinite amount of pressure you are under, panic and anxiety set in. You begin to flail around like a fish out of water, looking for some solid, finite anchor to keep you from drowning. In this moment, completely submerged, in this new situation, the past is irrelevant. It is done, you can use what you have learned to help you, but you soon find that in this unique situation, very little does. The future too has no place in your mind. No hope will save you, it must be earned. At this point, the future is far less of a concern as the immediate present. You use every part of your body to try and push yourself up out of the water, but the water ignores you and laughs at your lack of progress. When you see something in the water, possibly big enough to support your weight, you grasp with everything you have and for a moment the water clears up and you get a brief taste of oxygen to rejuvenate your spirit. But soon, your anchor begins to drown and you find that you are in almost a worse situation. Now you and your anchor are drowning in the abyss of confusion and uncertainty. Drowning at twice the rate, you see the option to release your anchor. And almost miraculously, it floats. Your only companion on this horrible ride abandons you for the lighter atmosphere. And maybe in time you realize that you anchor was never meant to keep you from drowning or help you stay a float, because the anchor, the finite solid was never an anchor to begin with, but a friend. Someone in the same body of water as you. In this realm, you can swim alone or drown together. First, the anguish in your soul, then the tiredness of your body set in, all of this flailing and movement has taken its toll. Time literally stops, you remember no past, you see no future. You see the murky light get smaller and smaller and as you stop moving and let the inevitable come to be, you are bewildered that it hasn't. You feel something light inside you. Something instinctively drawn to the place where you want to be. With your eyes closed, you don't see it happen, you feel it little by little, first on your face and then your torso. More of your body emerges from the depths. You feel the air, but it isn't until you gasp and completely fill you worn out lungs with this new breath, that you feel the difference, the rebirth. Your new eyes look around to see that nothing is different yet everything has changed. What seemed like it's own lifetime was only a brief moment for the spectators. Everyone gives you impressed looks, not realizing that you aren't actually swimming, you've just learned not to drown. // Things have changed. Come on in, the water’s fine.

[the-infinity-within]

I’m making a blog.

Why?

Recently I find myself in a new environment-college. Before I introduce you to my college self I need to give you a little background into pre-college self.

He was awesome. People seemed to like him and his life was mostly happy. I thought that I had all the important things figured out, and for the most part, I did. I knew what it took to be happy, I followed all of those life-pro-tips you see on twitter and read all of those inspirational quotes from famous people. I took control of my life and made it into something that I enjoyed. The thought of leaving everything behind irritated me. I had worked hard for this happy life. I knew who I was and more importantly I liked myself. So why did I give it up for this?

I’ll fill in the blanks some other time; I’m not a fan of lengthy intros so let’s get back to the why.

It comes down to the simple fact that I find myself having loads of free time that I don’t know what to do with. I have been listening to lots of new music, but I have also been reading more. I read tons as a kid, all kinds of children's books and young adult novels. That was until I read Harry Potter and stopped cold turkey because I knew nothing would ever be as good. My collection mainly includes John Green, Shakespeare, and my textbooks, the only text book I have so much as opened, was written by my professor himself. I have also recently received a shipment from home of my sister’s favorites to be read in the coming months. So I guess I like to read now.

In my “busy hours” I attend classes. It’s overrated. Not just the University, but the whole “college experience” mindset. Basically, its the belief that you can put an adolescent into a commune-like environment, wait four years and then a well-rounded adult will come out ready to take on the challenges of the real world. And that’s not what happens. This process only works in math, put ‘x’ into a function, ‘f(x)’ do all the necessary equations and out comes your ‘y’ but this isn’t calculus.

But Why?

Yes. Anyway. I said earlier about how awesome pre-college self was and that version of myself saw a lot of people go away to college and change. The biggest reason I didn’t want to go was because I didn’t want to change in the way I knew college would change me. But here we are, I’m changing. And it’s not that bad. I have always been particularly good at ignoring the rules of society and standing out in my own unique way, but only since my geographical transplant has my brain begun to deconstruct the barriers I put up for myself. I’m making all of these analyses and cross-disciplinary connections. I’m training my brain to use more than mere senses to simply observe the world; I’m learning to use what have, to take in as much as I can, to critically analyze as far as I can, to make sense of not only the world around me, but myself. I guess you could say I’m growing up. And obviously, it’s a process. I tend to approach things pessimistically until I fully understand them, and my harsh attitude toward being an adult is easing a bit. I’m actually liking the process of changing.

Which brings me to WHY I’m putting my thoughts out into cyber space. I want to be a better person. I want to organize my thoughts and self reflect. This blog is like I time capsule for me. It’s going to be a series of markers to show growth. Aside from the mental benefits, there are also plenty of practical reason to write. #1 I want to be a better writer. As John Green said in an overused quote that I am found of, “My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.” At this point in my life my thoughts are like a tangled strand of half broken Christmas lights. I have a lot of work to do before I can reach star-level, let alone constellations. #2 I’m going to be old someday. And even when I can’t remember my life, at least I’ll be able to read it. That was way to long. Sorry. Also, a heads up, I have no plan or future for this blog so keep that in mind. Thanks for letting me share a piece of myself with you.