Another year has passed, and what a year it was. Last year I resolved to take it easy this year and not put too many expectations on myself to achieve anything, and yet somehow, this year marked several important milestones in my life that previously seemed almost impossible to reach. Why is it that it’s always in times when you’ve decided to stop trying so hard that you actually get what you wanted?
But before we dive into the details of what 2025 brought me I would like to thank you (a.k.a. my two most loyal and totally voluntary yearly newsletter subscribers) for being here once again and sticking by me for another year. At this point I’ve been doing these little end-of-year reflections for almost ten years and it’s become as valued of a tradition to me as fireworks and oliebollen, and I’m glad to have people in my life I can share it with. So now, without further ado, please enjoy this little recap of my year!
The Beginning of 2025 vs Now
So, the thing is, unlike most years, I don’t actually remember much about the start of this year. I mean there was of course the general state of my life back then: I was working a job I enjoyed, lived with my mother and was preparing for an all-round simple year. Nothing groundbreaking. Just a simple year to slow down and find enjoyment in the little things. Nothing big to look forward to. Nothing all too exciting on the horizon. Not all to different from the way I’m looking at the upcoming year, actually, but we’ll get into that more later. Overall, my life was pretty settled, and I thought I knew what to expect from the upcoming year.
At the same time, I remember very little about what I actually… did in January 2025. Or what I felt. What was worrying me. The first two months of the year feel so incredibly far and distant to me, and even though I kind of feel like right now I’m at the same spot in my life emotionally as I was last year, this year also changed me in several profound ways.
In February this year I got the call that I would be getting Phalloplasty on April 14th, and from that moment on, everything else in my life took a backseat. Until then, I’d accepted that phalloplasty would still take at least a year, and I’d even gotten my life together to a point where I sometimes wondered if I even still needed it, so getting that call out of nowhere really changed everything. From February 28th until somewhere around September and October, this surgery completely ruled my life. It was my life. March and April were typified by a general sense of anxiety. I was both afraid of having the surgery and afraid of NOT having the surgery, and with everything I did or everything that happened I was scared that it would somehow ruin the surgery. I also had to tell my colleagues at work that I was going to be absent for a long time, which, after a somewhat lengthy internal debate, spurred me to come out my whole team. Fortunately, they were all incredibly kind and accepting, but the anxiety I felt before coming out to them was, well, quite intense.
Then, in April, I actually had Phalloplasty, and I’m not lying when I tell you that that was one of the hardest things I have ever been through in my life. April was rough. May and June were better, but still rough. Everything in my life was about recovery then. Unfortunately, I ran into multiple complications after the surgery which slowed down my healing process significantly. In July everything seemed to be getting better and I almost thought I was finally done, so I tried picking my life back up again, only to be shot down again by new issues that arose because of the lengthy healing process. Where in some aspects of my life I was getting better and doing more, I was regressing in others and often spent full week-ends in bed, unable to do anything. It wasn’t until I received the offer to rent a studio apartment in the city that my life finally, finally, wasn’t all about surgery and recovery anymore. But even then, it took me until October to actually feel like I could live my life normally again.
In September I moved out of my mother’s house and finally started living by myself. I finally graduated to full adult status. Somehow, this change was exactly what I needed. I had a project to focus on. I had a reason to take a break from work, stay active, change my surroundings and move my body around all at once. Right at that time, my sister and her girlfriend (now Fiancé!) travelled to Australia and allowed me to borrow their car for four months, so I spent a lot of time driving around and visiting stores, moving from one house to the other. My life finally felt like it had purpose again. Not long after I moved into my new house, the last few physical limitations I had that kept me from living my life slowly decreased to a point where I could actually participate in my life again completely, and everything became a little brighter again.
And then the last few months… I felt like I had so much catching up to do from the rest of the year that I’ve just kind of been running continuously since November. Which brings me back to the start of this section. Even though my life is very different now – living by myself, having different genitals, living through one of the most challenging times of my life and also soon getting a promotion at work (surrounded by coworkers who have all accepted me for who I am) – emotionally, I’m pretty much at the same spot. I need a little break. A calm year, without big goals or expectations. Where I can just focus on the little things. Make time for myself.
All-in-all, this year has been pretty depressing. It’s weird to look back at all the great things I’ve achieved and feel like I should be happier now, but only feel the weight of what I’ve been through pressing on my shoulders. I know I still have a lot of healing to do. Emotionally, I haven’t fully worked through it all. Physically, I’m not yet fully recovered from surgery, and I have more corrective surgeries to go as well. As for the other changes, as much as I love my new house, I still feel anxious sometimes about being alone in a big city, and miss the town I left behind. As much as I am excited to learn new skills at work I am also scared I won’t be up to the task. In many ways, I still have a long road to go before I will be reaping the fruits of all that has happened this year. But that is exactly why the following year, I will be kinder to myself. Slow down. Take my time to heal and grow. Appreciate what I have and how far I’ve come. Take care of my body and mind.
I don’t regret anything that happened this year. I felt trapped living in my tiny room in my mom’s house. Dysphoria, both repressed and unrepressed, was eating away at me every day, even when distractions almost made me feel like it wasn’t even there. And work was getting repetitive, even though I appreciated the safety and stability of a simple job. The changes were all for the better, but going through them was like jumping into ice-water to get to a brighter shore. I’m currently no longer trying not to down, but if I’ve reached the shore I’m going to need a few more hours in the sun before I’ve warmed back up again.
The Best Things about 2025
Now that the heavy part is out of the way, let’s focus on some of the positives! Despite everything that happened this year, I still firmly believe that there is always something to appreciate, enjoy, or look forward to, even if at the time it might not feel like it. This year marked several great moments and events that I would not have wanted to miss, and I want to take this little section to mention and appreciate every one of them, even the little ones. Maybe even especially the little ones.
At the start of the year I spent a lot of time working on an art project for my D&D group. I made them all mugs, which I’d wanted to do forever, and made a big art-piece featuring our characters, which I am really proud of. Seeing their faces when they saw the mugs for the first time was unforgettable and made all the hard work pay off.
I also did some fun things with friends. I visited the cat café in Leiden several times this year, which is always fun, and I spent a full day reading with friends which was also a very chill way to spend a Sunday afternoon (at least, I think it was a Sunday). I finished playing Ghost of Tsushima, which was really fun, and also played God of War for the ps4, which instantly became one of my favourite games. The switch 2 was released in June, the day after my birthday, which felt like the perfect birthday present. I played a lot of Mario Kart World with my brother, and also played Split Fiction with him, and those hours of gaming together really helped me get through a tough time. I went to another Spooky Halloween night in a theme-park, which was awesome, and I went bouldering with my brother and sister and their girlfriends which really made me realize how much I love climbing. My sister’s girlfriend also became my sister’s fiancé, which makes me really happy. There’s no better feeling than watching the people I love be so happy.
I also went to several concerts this year. I saw Porter Robinson in February (on the day I got the news about my Phalloplasty, actually), One OK Rock in Oktober, and Stray Kids in July. That Stray Kids concert was so wonderful and really reignited my love for the group. And last, but not least, I saw Taemin live in Brussels in March, and I can say with 100% certainty that that was the best concert I’ve ever been to. I’ve never been as excited at a concert as I was seeing Taemin, and everything about that concert was just right.
But the biggest highlight of the year was probably the trip to Paris I took with friends in March. I’d never been to Paris before and I still remember the absolute joy I felt just walking around in that city. The buildings and streets were gorgeous, the food was delicious, and finally seeing the Eiffel Tower for the first time in my life made me giddy with excitement. We visited several museums, looked at a lot of (famous) art and even accidentally stumbled upon the tomb of Napoleon. So even though I wasn’t feeling well on the final day of the trip, all-in-all it was the best part of my year.
And finally, these past few days of celebrating Christmas with my family were absolutely fantastic. A few days without any obligations, simply spending time with my family. It had been a long time since I felt that safe and content. I really needed that.
Wicked: for good was really fun too, and I also really enjoyed performing with my Choir again in November. We got a lot of new members this year, and it has been great to get to know all these new people. The dinner with my colleagues last week was fun too. I also got to catsit two beautiful little cats for a few days and babysit my friend’s new guinea pigs, which was amazing as well. And even in one of the darkest times of my year, when all I could do was lie in bed, I somehow managed to find my love for writing again. My desire to put pen to paper and just write stories. I really hope this love can stay with me into the next year, because it’s one of the best feelings I know.
So all in all, no matter what unexpected things life throws and you and no matter how dark your year may seem, there are always plenty of things to enjoy. You just have to give them a little attention now and then, just to make sure they aren’t overlooked or forgotten.
Oh boy. I’m sure I had lots of resolutions for this year that I’ve completely forgotten about after everything that happened. Still, I know there are also others that I did actually take the time to keep. So let’s dive into these resolutions and see how well I did this year!
Move out – Done! After all these years of putting this on my list of resolutions, it’s hard to believe I can finally check this one off the list! At the start of this year I was trying so hard to find a new home, and even almost got one until I was refused last minute. It’s so wild to think that I only got one right when I was no longer actively looking.
Get a surgery date for phalloplasty – I’ll do you one better…
Wear a tank top in summer – Unfortunately, I barely noticed it was summer this year. I was stuck at home unable to do any of my usual summer activities. It felt like I skipped from winter straight into autumn.
Read 10 books! – I read 15, so I most definitely succeeded!
Finish all my unread books! – To make this one more measurable, I listed 10 specific titles I wanted to have read by the end of this year. I read 5 of these and am currently in the middle of 2 others. So I didn’t succeed, but I did at least get somewhere!
Finish one D&D art project! – Done! I’m happy with how it turned out
Use my unused art materials! – I did this only 10 days ago, actually! I finally used the paint my grandparents had given me and made an actual physical painting! It didn’t exactly turn out the way I wanted it to, but it was fun to work with a different medium again and get paint all over my hands. Two months before that, I also finally used the set of colored pencils that I bought myself in 2023. Funnily enough, I used both art tools to draw the same D&D character. He really is my go-to art subject these days
Sing and let my voice be heard. I want to either take singing lessons or record a full cover of a song and post it online – this is one of the goals that unfortunately suffered from the sudden changes in my life. I wasn’t really able to sing a lot for a long while, and now I live in a studio apartment surrounded by neighbors on every side, so I don’t feel quite comfortable to sing here. But I have an idea for a goal for next year to make up for this one.
Finish 5 games – Done! I finished 12 new games (and 3 replays) this year!
Finish 5 specific games (Skyrim, Baldur’s Gate 3, God of War, Horizon: Zero Dawn, Heavy Rain) – I finished God of War and Heavy Rain. The rest… not so much. But in my defense, I wanted to play Horizon: Zero Dawn for a concert that I was no longer able to attend because of my surgery. I also… didn’t really enjoy the game that much, so I didn’t want to force myself to finish it. As for the others… I still tell myself I will play those games at some point… maybe next year?
6/10. Not bad! Especially not considering this year did not go the way I expected it at all.
Honestly, I do not have a lot of expectations for the coming year. I know that I will be having another corrective surgery around April, May or Jun, so I expect to have to be absent from work and in recovery for another month or so. Fortunately, this correction will be significantly less impactful than any of the surgeries I’ve had this year, so hopefully it will not actually take up more than a month of my time. I expect to be mostly over it somewhere in June or July (depending on when the surgery will actually take place, of course). If everything goes as planned, I should be done with all my surgeries after that. My new genitalia will heal, and will finally have achieved their final form, which, if everything goes according to plan, will be a form I will be much happier with.
I also expect I will be staying in the house I’m currently living in. I’ll start my new job and feel anxious and stressed about it at first, but will probably start to settle into it somewhere during the summer (again, depending on when the surgery will be). I also have a K3 concert planned in April, which I’m really looking forward to, and in September me and my family will be spending a weekend away from home to celebrate my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary.
In June, I’ll turn 27. An age that both seems too old and to young for the way I feel these days, so maybe it will be just right. I’m planning to take a few days off around my birthday, and again around Christmas. I haven’t had a proper Christmas vacation since 2023, so I feel like my time has come to enjoy the holidays next year without having to work in-between. Right before the holidays my choir will be celebrating it’s tenth anniversary with its biggest performance yet, and I’ll be spending some time in the period leading up to that performance helping with organizing and preparing for that performance. I am also planning to sing a whole song solo at that performance, so I will also be spending time preparing for that. November will probably be all about the choir performance. It’s hard to believe I’ve been a member of the choir for almost ten years, but that does make this celebration even more special.
As for the rest of the year… I’m not actually sure! I mostly want to take it easy this year, as I’ve mentioned before. I want to stop setting myself all these arbitrary goals that will not make me happy, and focus on calm, rest, enjoyment. Do things because they give me energy, because I enjoy doing them and not to achieve a specific result or tick a made-up box. If I manage to actually succeed, I expect the following year will be one where I am able to heal, grow, and find some peace in the calm.
And now for the resolutions! I have just mentioned I want to stop setting myself arbitrary goals that will not make me happy, so I would be a fool to not take that into consideration when setting resolutions. I was tempted to not set any resolutions this year at all, but that feels… perhaps a little bit too big of a change all at once. Instead, I’ve settled on small, achievable resolutions. Resolutions that I either have to do only once, and that will have a positive impact on my life, or resolutions that will ask me to do less instead of more. For example, there are two ways to make sure my stack of unread books does not get much bigger:
Read more books, and get stressed about not having read enough books and not reaching my goal in time because I have so many things to do and not enough time and my life is too busy and-
Buy fewer books, remember why I wanted to read all the books I have bought in the first place and read them when I feel like the time is right to read them. Save new books I want on a wishlist so I actually have a list of books I really want for my birthday or Christmas. This way, I might even save some money!
As I said last year as well, the spirit is less is more. Even more (…less?) than last year.
Have my last transition-related surgery. I am ready to leave this chapter of my life behind me once and for all
Wear a tank-top in summer. Since I did not really get to enjoy summer last year, I hope I will be able to make the most of it this year!
Get a tattoo. One of the first thoughts I had when I woke up from surgery was how I really wanted a tattoo, and if I could decide to go through this tough surgery to permanently change my body, I would definitely be fine getting a tattoo. Now I only need to decide what to get first… And save some money, of course.
Sing a solo song in front of an audience at the Choir performance in November. Singing solo in front of an audience is something I’ve been wanting to do for ages now, and I feel like it is finally time. This year, I had a short solo in a song, and was actually so overwhelmed by nerves that it didn’t come out the way I wanted to, which made me a bit more nervous about singing in front of an audience, but I figured, the sooner I confront this fear, the less time it has to fester. I need to do this for myself. I also felt inspired by another choir member who decided to perform a rap this year even though they were nervous to do so. I want to be like them this year.
Reduce my screentime to about 7 hours a week. The last few months I was once again confronted by how many hours I would just let slip by scrolling on my phone while I was barely even aware of opening an app in the first place. I want to be mindful about how I spend my time and why. I want to make sure I chose what to do and I don’t just sit there like a zombie. I want to be able to take my time in the mornings and calmly start the day, instead of rushing to do everything in 30 minutes after spending another 30 on my phone.
Go bouldering by myself at least once. Like I mentioned earlier, I really enjoyed bouldering with my brother and sister and their partners. I want to do it again, but up until this point I’ve been unable to do it because my body was still in recovery. But this month, I’ve been feeling healed enough to give it another go again. The nearest bouldering hall is also practically next to my new home, so I truly have no excuse anymore.
Save money. I’m hoping to increase my total amount of savings by about 20% by the end of next year.
Buy less. I was even thinking about a no-buy year after all the money I spent moving, but I think that is too extreme for me and will just result in me abandoning my resolution in the first month. Instead, I want to try to limit my expenses with the following check-list:
Do I need it NOW, or can it wait?
Does this add something to my life or help me in any way?
Do I already have something similar?
Can I put this on my birthday wishlist?
How long will I be able to enjoy this item?
If I could only pick one single item to buy this month, would this item be the one I would pick?
The details of this checklist might still change throughout the year, but this is the general idea. I mostly want to be more mindful of what I am spending my money on, especially since I do not have that much space to store my items in my new house. I want to keep this space organized and not too full of clutter!
Draw detailed portraits of two of my friends’ D&D characters for their birthdays in December. This year, when December was drawing near, I realized that I wanted to surprise my D&D friends with a personalized drawing again. A comment by my friend about which actor she would want to play her character in a movie also inspired me to draw a portrait of her character looking like that actor. If I give myself a year to pull this off, I might actually be able to work on this with as much care and attention as the project requires, without worrying about a deadline.
Read more books than I acquire. I want to focus on reading the books I already own and not get lost in all the books I do not have yet. There is a perfectly fine library right at my fingertips.
Play more games than I acquire. The same idea as above, only for video games.
Rekindle my love for my hobbies. Writing, drawing, music, reading, gaming, and more. I feel like at some point I lost track of why I am spending time on these hobbies in the first place. This year, I want to focus on the act of doing. The enjoyment of the process. These hobbies are not about creating a finished product or crossing an item off a list. These hobbies are about having fun and doing things I enjoy. So this year, I will read what I want, play what I want, write what I want. Enjoy the process. Take it slow.
And I think that was it this year! I truly hope this year will be another good one for all of us. After this 2025, I feel like it is time for something more lighthearted. To all of you reading this, I wish you a happy 2026 full of love, growth and happiness. No matter how many milestones you hit or resolutions you keep, I hope you enjoy the ride and feel proud of yourself this year. And to myself I would like to add, do not forget yourself this year. Take some time to stand still and focus on what truly matters. Take a deep breath and feel the ground beneath your feet. The air in your lungs. You are alive, you made it through. You’re going to be okay.
