The Misadventures of a Troubled Soul

27. LDN. Just kinda here and there.

[the-lost-future]

29.

Today I find myself stuck.

Stuck between that which was and that which could’ve been.

Stuck between the man I was.

And the man I’m blessed to have become.

Stuck between the grief that I’ve lived

And the suffering I feel.

The people to help goes smaller.

But the circle feels larger.

Today I am more.

Because I have less.

The tears I have cried

Are the foundation to which I become more

I become myself.

Today I am me.

Because of You.

I thank You

Because I am now becoming Me.

[the-lost-future]

Haven’t called my ex in 5 days.

It’s not getting easier.

It’s just giving me a reason to search for happiness.

Better times are coming.

[the-lost-future]

Every day I fight my way to happiness

But every day it gets a bit easier

[the-lost-future]

Feels weird being back in therapy now considering last time I was I’d recently tried to kill myself lmao

[the-lost-future]

I’m so fucking close to going back on dating apps. It’s so hard to meet someone organically in this shitty modern world.

When the fuck did it become so difficult to meet someone you vibe with, get their number, arrange a date and build from that?!

[the-lost-future]

It’s been 7 years since the night I went through with my plan to kill myself. 7 years of more living I’ve done. The highs. The lows. The mundanity of existence. The beauty of putting smiles of people’s faces. The nights I wished I’d succeeded. The days I never wanted to end. Somewhere in between all of that is my purpose. My reason for existing. Even if it’s when I’m 80 and it’s me stopping someone that’s in the shoes I once was in, it’s worth it. Even if it’s looking after my mum as she slows down as she gets older, it’s worth it. Even if it’s simply typing the hoping that anyone feeling like this tonight reads it and finds the strength to keep fighting, it’s worth it.

I may not be perfect, but I’m still breathing. Still fucking fighting. Every fucking day. That’s more than most can ask for.

[the-lost-future]

Think I’m about 2 drinks and 3 songs from singing Post Malone - I Fall Apart at the top of my lungs and crying myself to sleep.

Fuck it though, we go again.

[94sghosts]

the type of horny that can only be fixed by someone who is deeply in love with me

[the-lost-future]

I’ll never get to kiss you like I used to. I’ll never kiss anyone like that again as long as I live. I’ll never run my hands through your hair while I pull you close. I’ll never stare into your eyes and see all of creation again. I’ll never know true happiness once more.

And I have to be okay with that. As long as you’re happy. I’ll keep drink myself to death as long as your can live another day being happy.

In a weird way, that is love. Or that is our love, at least.

[the-lost-future]

What film was it?

Not a film, it was Bojack Horseman! Looking toward to getting a tattoo with the same quote haha

[the-lost-future]

I’m facing my regrets and it’s messing with my mind. I want to make things right but I don’t know how to. What’s your biggest regret?

Know yourself. Understand yourself. You can’t always make amends with the people you’ve hurt but you can make amends with yourself. Truly look inward at yourself and realise who you’ve hurt and how/why you did it. Would you repeat those actions? If yes, you still have some work to do. Sorry I need to sleep so my answer may be short. If you need more guidance please message me!! Happy to help.

[hraewordsmith]

deep asks that get uncomfortably personal

what’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

what is your preferred method of non-physical self destruction?

what is your favorite way to self care?

tell me about your most vivid memory, good or bad.

if anything, what would you change about your childhood?

what is something that you’ve always wanted to do but have never been able to do?

what is your fatal flaw?

what is something that gets to you that you wish wouldn’t?

do you cry? why or why not?

tell me about an insecurity you overcame.

tell me about your last failed friendship.

who do you wish you could connect with but haven’t been able to connect with?

what can make you excessively angry?

do you enjoy being lightheartedly teased? why or why not?

do you prefer to be numb or overly emotional? why?

what is a skill or talent you’ve completely lost or overlooked? why did that happen?

what was your favorite color as a child and what is your favorite color now?

what is something you can’t bring yourself to get rid of?

tell me something you don’t like telling the people you are close to.

tell me what you think others think about you.

[the-lost-future]

I miss old Tumblr. Old Tumblr was great. Maybe I’m just becoming bitter in my later 20s but this app used to be so great. The people on it used to be so great. Maybe it’s not the app though. Maybe people just got even shittier. I don’t know.

[the-lost-future]

Just looked in the mirror for the first time in months

Haven’t shaved since last year.

Haven’t left the house since I ran out of cigarettes.

Being lonely isn’t fun.

I miss having someone to cuddle at night.

Drinking doesn’t numb the loneliness enough.

Fuck.

[the-lost-future]

Recently I’ve been struggling to keep myself clean. I haven’t done hard drugs in about a year and haven’t really had a problem until this month. Maybe I’m just going through another existential crisis or maybe I’m relapsing. Time will tell. I know I don’t want to be the person I was back when I was using daily again, but currently it just feels like an easy way of coping. I don’t want to be weak, but being strong is just so draining.

Maybe this has something to do with opening myself up to love again after so long. I’ve kept my heart closed off for so long, it might too much going through getting ghosting for seemingly no reason.

I’ll figure it out. Just got to take this one lonely evening at a time.

[the-lost-future]

Late night drinking and Stinky Fingers may lead to rum rage

Get it?

[the-lost-future]

I know I don’t post on here much but why aren’t there any Beatles night outs in London? I just want to go to a pub/bar and scream Yesterday at the top of my lungs. Anyone know somewhere in London like this?