Feeling
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I can’t seem to do anything right. I can’t sleep anymore because I have nightmares. I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually slept peacefully. I do a lot of thinking and sometimes its good. But mostly is bad…. Just bad everything, bad thoughts, ideas, memories, and feelings. I am at a low point where I just don’t feel good enough anymore for anyone. Not my family, my friends, or even Kourtney…. I feel like a sickness to them all. Like I’m some sick disease they just can’t seem to get rid of. I try to be happy and feel joy…. But those feelings get diminished more each passing day…. I feel whenever I start to be good or have a good day it turns bad. I just wish people would see what this is all doing to me and how it is affecting my personally. I don’t feel like me, whenever I stare in the mirror I don’t see me. I see a cold reflection of the person I used to be, a empty shell, a hollow husk so to speak. I keep it all bottled up inside because no one understands me better than me…. Which is why I keep my feelings to myself…. It doesn’t do anyone any good when I am open about my feelings whether they are good or bad….. Most of the time I just feel like crying. I have effected a lot of people’s lives, and a lot of times not in a good way. Kourtney for example, I hurt her in so many ways…. I get scared around her now….. When my hands enclose around her throat, I weep inside. Sometimes I’m happy she still wants to be with me. Other times I am sad because I feel she could do so much better than to love some cripple shit like me…. I have never had a love quite like hers before. It both makes me happy and scares me. Because I’m always afraid that one day she’ll realize that being with me isn’t good for her and she’ll leave without warning. Whenever I hear the words, “I’m done”, “I hate you”, or “I don’t love you” come from her lips or if I see it in a text….. It just shatters my heart into a million pieces. I’ve always been afraid to be alone and the thought of never finding someone who could love me despite my flaws. Then she came into my life like something out of a dream. She saw all the flaws and worst parts of me and stayed. But I don’t think our love is the same…. Somehow it feels different to me… I can’t explain it really. I feel whenever we try to bridge the gap with one another we just end up pushing each other further away.. And i don’t much care for that. I yell at her all the time and get angry…. But I’m not honestly… Not at her at least. I mostly get angry with me on the inside. I feel so broken inside because I can’t move on from my mistakes. They drag me down and press on me till sometimes it feels like I’m drowning trying to gasp for air. And the one person who alleviates that pain or feeling, the one person who truly makes me happy….. I feel like I’m losing them. And what’s crazy is that I’ve pictured my future time and time again with this person. I can’t even call her a person.. Cause she’s an angel, the most beautiful angel I’ve ever seen in my life. Never had I seen anyone so intoxicating, she awoke a feeling inside me that I never knew even existed before. I fell for her instantly. She was truly amazing and gave me a warm feeling in my heart. I loved being with her every second of every day. I think about her constantly probably more than she thinks of me. When we look into each others eyes, I can’t help but feel a sense of calmness and serenity. I like watching her sleep, because she seems so peaceful all the time. I think to myself, how did I ever on this earth get so lucky….. What did I ever do to deserve her. When ever I’m around her, I wanna be the best person that I can be…. But lately I haven’t been succeeding at that goal. And I blame myself solely for the fact that I am just a toxic mess. I have forgiven her for everything but I can’t ever forgive myself…. I never can. I probably never will. I care a lot of burdens within myself, feels like I’m split into multiple parts. I feel a lot of different things, notice different things, think different things… My mind is racing constantly. But I don’t feel I can ever really talk to anyone about what I feel or go through. I don’t really have any good friends anymore… And the one person I want to tell everything, I don’t because I get worried she’ll see me the way I see myself (useless & broken). All I want for us is for us to be happy and love one another…. Because I’m absolutely in love with this girl. She is absolutely everything to me and more. She the first person I think about when I wake and the last person I think about when I sleep. I picture a future with her in it all the time… And it’s truly when I feel the happiest. Because all I see is us being together and happy. It’s all I have ever wanted for us, and it’s all I still want. I never thought Id find someone to love me and love in return. But she made it possible, she gives me hope still over everything. That someday months, or years from now, I can still look next to me and still see her beautiful eyes and wonderful smile. I want my future with her and no one else. I wanna marry her and no one else. I wanna have a family and kids with her and no one else. I wanna get a house with her and no one else. I wanna grow old with her and no one else. I wanna live the rest of my life with her and no one else. I want to love her today, tomorrow, always and forever❤
