Is the animal post cute?

Rating pet videos and helping to spread awareness about proper care and husbandry! A god once told me he appreciates me and then turned me into a raccoon for crimes of hubris. (This is a roleplay gimmick blog that pretends fanart and fanfiction depicts real-world content. Started for the fusion between Jellyskink's "domesticated Ford" and AlexTheBorderCollie's "Hand of God" gravity falls AUs. Based on "is it cute" blogs such as is-the-dog-video-cute, which check animals in viral videos for signs of distress.)

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

your blog. confuses me. /notneg

Yeah, it's been getting a lot of off-topic attention lately. I promise I'll get back to rating cute viral videos of ACTUAL animals soon!

Out of character under the cut. Formerly is-it-cute-gf-au-edition. As long as you aren't in the app, you can view this blog in chronological here.

Hi! Just going to make this my pinned.

THIS BLOG IS UPDATING AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE! The timeline below is accurate, but out of date!

What is all this Ford Pines nonsense?

So, @jellyskink is a gravity falls fanartist who's responsible for the "Domesticated Ford" au. It's a horror/dark comedy "bad ending" AU for the show Gravity Falls. In it, Bill Cipher manages to make a deal with Fiddleford McGucket, and uses his body to imprison Ford Pines for years until he has been brainwashed into complying with Bill's demands.

Ford opens the portal, Bill enters Earth, and Ford becomes his personal property - his "pet." He's constantly tortured, but is so brainwashed that he still craves Bill's attention and love. Just like in the show, Bill Cipher and his gang are stuck in the weirdness bubble, but in this AU, the bubble is slowly expanding. Ford is trying to find a way to prevent the bubble from completely destroying the universe as it expands, but when he's not doing that, he's fawning on Bill.

Ford is so deeply delusional and dissociative in this AU that he honestly wants to be with Bill, and can't comprehend how bad his situation is. This is probably for the best, because his situation is really, really bad.

A couple of other AUs have come up - namely, @alexthebordercollie's Hand of God, a different Bill Wins AU in which Ford is functionally a god now. That Ford likes Domesticated!Ford and seemingly wants to adopt him as his own. It's all very messy.

What is this blog?

This blog is based on "is the animal video cute?" style blogs that check viral animal videos to make sure they are actually cute, not abusive. (For example: dog clicker-trained to jump? Cute. Dog baited into fighting a raccoon? Not cute.) The idea is, Bill Cipher puts Ford in pet show contests because he thinks it's funny, and these clips have gone viral online in-universe. This blog is a "pet rater" blog that got sent a bunch of Ford Pines content.

Real life me is so deeply uncomfortable with online discourse that I don't even link my fan blogs to my main. The fictional character of Pet Rater Guy, though, is the sort of person who gets baited by online trolls REALLY easily and keeps getting in over his head when it comes to The Disk Horse.

Who am I?

I'm a fanfiction writer who wrote some stuff based on Jellyskink's AU, and we became friends!

PET GUY TIMELINE

Pre-history: the blog is new, but in-universe, it's been reviewing pet show content for years.

Pet Guy starts reblogging Ford Pines content at the request of fans. Pet guy calls out these posts as problematic.

Pet Guy ends up in a nasty fight with in-universe Jellyskink, a Ford fan who is clueless about the context of the photo and videos she posts.

Pet Guy begins attracting more attention from people who are pro-Ford and pro-Bill.

Pet guy's anti-abuse posts attract the attention of a godded Ford (@chiphersconsort) from another dimension.

Pet Guy gets very scared and drunk.

Pet Guy has cordial interactions with this deific Ford, which get out of hand because of Pet Guy's intoxication. Pet Guy gets transformed.

Pet guy wakes up to find that he's a hungover raccoon. He keeps blogging as before.

A weird Cipher Loyalist @phosphorwings shows up in Pet Guy's comments and reblogs, but they seem to be on good terms with the god that cursed Pet Guy, so Pet Guy tries to be polite to them.

Pet Guy (who is a raccoon) sets up a side blog @totallynotstalkingmothguy to monitor the Cipher Loyalist.

Despite this side blog, Pet Guy and phosphorwings begin to become friends, in no small part because chiphersconsort makes it very clear that Pet Guy is to be nice to phosphorwings. Ciphersconsort knows about the side blog.

Pet guy helps Phosphorwings understand internet context such as memes, as well as internet safety and etiquette such as how to deal with trolls. He mentions on the side blog that ciphersconsort gives him psychic head scritches when he's "a good boy."

Phosphorwings becomes upset at an anonymous ask that suggests he has Stockholm syndrome; in his very emotional reply, he insists that "his muse" is wonderful to him. Pet Guy posts "...His muse?" On the side blog, a then later reblogs it with, "I don't remember posting this."

Phosphorwings begins to post references to his life that make it appear he is in a severely abusive relationship. Pet guy gets concerned and asks chiphersconsort for "divine wisdom" in the tags of a post. Chiphersconsort informs him he's handling it.

Pet guy now regularly refers to Chiphersconsort as "god." Pet guy is regularly getting asks about him being a "lap raccoon" or other pet-related jokes. He has been accused of wanting to crawl in chiphersconsort laps and has replied that "wanting that would be weird".

Chiphersconsort posts a picture of the chaos moths that he uses to find outbreaks entropy, the apocalyptic force that is currently destroying his dimension. Phosphorwings and Pet Guy are both really excited. Pet Guy asks for a copy of his research notes, which he receives.

Phosphorwings and another mutual, @ranchsoda92, invite Pet Guy to play DDnmD together. When Pet Guy protests that none of them know where he lives and he doesn't know where they live, ranchsoda92 tells him to open his window.

Several hours later, Pet Guy posts a series of frantic and cryptic posts on both blogs about having been at Phosphorwings's house.

In response to Pet Guy explaining what non-sexual BDSM is to phosphorwings, someone asks if Pet Guy a kink question. Pet Guy answers. This becomes an entire subject of conversation.

Chiphersconsort makes a series of posts that showcase his extremely concerning relationship with his husband (his dimension's Bill Cipher). Pet Guy is very upset and concerns.

Chiphersconcert has a manic episode and becomes disconcertingly affectionate toward Pet Guy, including posting a screenshot of an unpublished ask suggesting PG ask "god" to "do freak shit", left over from the BDSM series. He also offers to do horrible things to the various anons who have said upsetting things to Pet Guy. Pet Guy tries to manage this situation.

Chiphersconsort recovers from his mania and seemingly forgets who Pet Guy is altogether. Pet Guy is relieved. He also forgets who Phosphorwings is again and reblogs several of his previous posts expressing confusion.

Chiphersconsort offers to GM the next game of DDnmD. Pet Guy attends. To manage his panic, Chiphersconsort uses magic to calm him down. This backfires by making Pet Guy extremely high and silly.

Chiphersconsort wipes Pet Guy's memory.

Pet Guy enters a private chat with the DDnmD squad. He announces that he isn't going to publicize any information from the chat but that it's "wild." He uses this chat to confirm that he is getting regularly memory wiped.

[domesticatedford]

D and Jean-Paul visited the eldritch dimension! Despite being a raccoon these days, Jean-Paul is very much a normal guy, so he didn't take it very well. D's brain, though, was broken long ago. He mostly found the experience fascinating, though he was happy to return home to his bed, snacks, and pajamas. He's been helping his friend stave off the madness inherent to witnessing the ancient horror at the base of everything by lecturing about whatever he can think of

Jean-Paul is @the-pet-ethics-guy

[phosphorwings]

Visiting @cipher-pines was very fun! Thank you for taking me, @the-strongest-ouroboros !

Ah, I forgot to mention, Pyronica said she would be willing to choose an outfit for you, as well.

[cipher-pines]

Sigh. I suppose if it’s between her choice or Bill’s, I could give hers a try.

It was nice having visitors. Next time, please wait until the food is actually done.

[ciphersconsort]

Kitten is food aggressive. It's best you keep it out of sight, out of mind until it's time to eat. I usually hand-feed him so he's forced to pace himself and actually able to enjoy the food.

[cipher-pines]

You want me to hand-feed another grown man???

[ciphersconsort]

Are you judging an elderly, disabled man for his care needs?

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

@cipher-pines He's right about keeping food out of the way until dinner, but I can give you some more practical meal accessibility tips if you need them!

[phosphorwings]

Ah! My Muse sounds very happy!! He is reading over my shoulder and laughing. Thank you for helping me entertain him!!!

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

I'm glad you're both happy!

[phosphorwings]

Visiting @cipher-pines was very fun! Thank you for taking me, @the-strongest-ouroboros !

Ah, I forgot to mention, Pyronica said she would be willing to choose an outfit for you, as well.

[cipher-pines]

Sigh. I suppose if it’s between her choice or Bill’s, I could give hers a try.

It was nice having visitors. Next time, please wait until the food is actually done.

[ciphersconsort]

Kitten is food aggressive. It's best you keep it out of sight, out of mind until it's time to eat. I usually hand-feed him so he's forced to pace himself and actually able to enjoy the food.

[cipher-pines]

You want me to hand-feed another grown man???

[ciphersconsort]

Are you judging an elderly, disabled man for his care needs?

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

@cipher-pines He's right about keeping food out of the way until dinner, but I can give you some more practical meal accessibility tips if you need them!

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

OOC: I just tagged all of my posts so that you can view them in chronological order. This only works in a web browser, not the app.

[phosphorwings]

Visiting @cipher-pines was very fun! Thank you for taking me, @the-strongest-ouroboros !

Ah, I forgot to mention, Pyronica said she would be willing to choose an outfit for you, as well.

[the-strongest-ouroboros]

I had lots and lots of fun! We shall do this again someday! I can teach you how to make impossible shapes for consumption!

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Fruit, those kill people

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

God bought me some walking gloves.

[phosphorwings]

Visiting @cipher-pines was very fun! Thank you for taking me, @the-strongest-ouroboros !

Ah, I forgot to mention, Pyronica said she would be willing to choose an outfit for you, as well.

[cipher-pines]

Sigh. I suppose if it’s between her choice or Bill’s, I could give hers a try.

It was nice having visitors. Next time, please wait until the food is actually done.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Oo!! This looks so fun!!!

[ciphersconsort]

Is the little one not allowed to be happy (or is that a horny face)

I'm not Bill, I prefer all my pets spoiled and happy. I can't really speak to @the-pet-ethics-guy's feelings on the matter of my shirt. You'll have to ask him if he enjoyed it.

[cipher-pines]

If you have human "pets" in the first place, then you may as well be Bill.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

I appreciate the defense a lot, but it really really isn't the same. Please don't pick a fight about it.

[cipher-pines]

I’ve seen the way he behaves in person. I think I’m well entitled to criticize him.

[ciphersconsort]

You still claim to love your husband. I provide the raccoon with better accommodations than Bill gives you. At least PG is allowed to leave the house.

[cipher-pines]

I can love someone and still recognize that what they’re doing is wrong. These are not mutually exclusive.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Look, nobody is saying that anyone is cartoonishly good or evil, I'm just saying that my situation isn't the same as some other people's. I'm more of an intern with a weird gimmick. "No better than" an apocalyptic demon is a pretty big thing to say.

[cipher-pines]

Fine. He is marginally better than an apocalyptic demon.

Additionally, some of the text keeps disappearing. Something about a wardrobe?

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

It's called Tag Talk. Click the little speech bubble under the post, then click reblogs, and you'll see tags. People use them for organization like you might in a library, but we also just talk with them.

You can ignore them.

[ciphersconsort]

Is the little one not allowed to be happy (or is that a horny face)

I'm not Bill, I prefer all my pets spoiled and happy. I can't really speak to @the-pet-ethics-guy's feelings on the matter of my shirt. You'll have to ask him if he enjoyed it.

[cipher-pines]

If you have human "pets" in the first place, then you may as well be Bill.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

I appreciate the defense a lot, but it really really isn't the same. Please don't pick a fight about it.

[cipher-pines]

I’ve seen the way he behaves in person. I think I’m well entitled to criticize him.

[ciphersconsort]

You still claim to love your husband. I provide the raccoon with better accommodations than Bill gives you. At least PG is allowed to leave the house.

[cipher-pines]

I can love someone and still recognize that what they’re doing is wrong. These are not mutually exclusive.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Look, nobody is saying that anyone is cartoonishly good or evil, I'm just saying that my situation isn't the same as some other people's. I'm more of an intern with a weird gimmick. "No better than" an apocalyptic demon is a pretty big thing to say.

[ciphersconsort]

Is the little one not allowed to be happy (or is that a horny face)

I'm not Bill, I prefer all my pets spoiled and happy. I can't really speak to @the-pet-ethics-guy's feelings on the matter of my shirt. You'll have to ask him if he enjoyed it.

[cipher-pines]

If you have human "pets" in the first place, then you may as well be Bill.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

I appreciate the defense a lot, but it really really isn't the same. Please don't pick a fight about it.

[cipher-pines]

I heard you burn practically everything you cook. Incompetent bitch

I'm likely far more competent than you could ever hope to be. Do you know how many PhDs I have? Cooking is hardly a challenge.

[the-strongest-ouroboros]

I will help you cook friend! I am the best cook!!

[cipher-pines]

I do appreciate the offer, although I'm not exactly able to invite guests over at my pleasure.

[the-strongest-ouroboros]

I WILL BREAK IN DO NOT FEAR!! :D

[phosphorwings]

I would like to come, too!

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

To be honest, if anyone can, she can. That said: @the-strongest-ouroboros, don't get murdered by another dorito.

[cipher-pines]

@the-pet-ethics-guy asked:

Hey! Since you're familiar with Cxaxukluthian gel, I thought I'd ask. I fell asleep on the Dark Altar of an elder god the other day (nothing weird, I just had a headache at her party) and ever since then, I've noticed that pictures of animals will slowly disappear from anything else that comes in contact with the clothes I was wearing. I first noticed it when the logo vanished from something made of a repurposed Arcteryx jacket, and now an anti-fatigue kitchen mat that was covered with ladybugs is just blue.

Have you ever had something like this happen before? Do you know if there's a way to reverse it? I don't have a lot of stuff with animals on it, but it seems like a hazard. I'm not sure if they're safe to just throw away.

Ah, hello again! That's fascinating. I've never encountered a phenomenon quite like this. If I were you, I wouldn't throw it away. Keep it safe in a container somewhere where you know that nobody will open it or touch it. Don't forget to label it with a warning, especially if you're forgetful. I know a ritual that you can attempt, although I believe it's too dangerous to share publicly, so I can message you about it in private if you would like.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Oooh! Ordinarily I'd say no to a ritual, but I'm friends with a couple of magic users who can probably help.

I'll treat it like an SCP or whatever for now, haha. I reeeeally hate clutter, but I can keep it for a while, at least.

Is there a best container for this sort of thing?

[cipher-pines]

Help appreciated

I wouldn't normally resort to asking strangers over the Internet, but it's somewhat urgent. Does anybody know how to get gelatinous Cxaxukluthian stains out of a hat?

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Wool, straw, or something else?

Wash soda and hydrogen peroxide will lift them out of most natural fibers. It can bleach some colors, though, so watch out. You can break up the Cxaxlioid chains with a bit of friction, so if the dye is delicate but the fabric is something that won't show abrasions, you can just take some salt or sand and rub it gently into the fabric.

It depends on the dye and the fabric, though.

Was it pigmented gelatin?

[ciphersconsort]

Honestly I think you're shirt looked better with the stains. It added character. Your wardrobe is so bland.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

I don't want my shirt decorated with anything that was excreted by my Bananagrams partner

[ciphersconsort]

It's only hazardous to silicone-based lifeforms. For the thirty-fifth time, you're fine.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

You're counting??

[ciphersconsort]

Are you implying that keeping track of these things requires excessive mental energy? Sounds like a skill issue to me.

[phosphorwings]

You are very good at cleaning, PG.

How do I get those little pictures to👏

Ah, yes! That one.

👏

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Good job, Phospho! And thanks. :)

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Serious question, why do so many people want to keep me as a pet/possession?? I can't imagine this is normal!

[phosphorwings]

It means someone wants you enough to keep you! It's a wonderful thing, to be cared for.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Um

While I appreciate the sentiment, I have plenty of people who care about me without the need to force the issue.

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Serious question, why do so many people want to keep me as a pet/possession?? I can't imagine this is normal!

[the-strongest-ouroboros]

Nevermind I got a better offer with two day shipping

I am stealing a spell book just to find you so i can eat you tricky trickster >:(

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

WAIT WHAT

[the-strongest-ouroboros]

I gotchu bro!! 👊👊🩷🩷

[the-pet-ethics-guy]

Not a fan of this situation!