[the-top-knot]

I haven't moved in months... rough, but it was a good release 

[the-top-knot]

It’s 11/11/2025. Tumblr was my JOURNAL 10years ago in 2015. Wow. Looking back.. my ego was HUGE. Life has humbled me in an extreme way.

If I had the type of confidence that I had back then right now, I’d be unstoppable. Idk what the hell my issue was in 2015 bc my shit clearly didn’t stink then. I thought the world was against me. Now I know that the universe is on my side.. it’s ME against me.

I’m still dealing with b-mia, I had brain surgery, I don’t dance anymore and I’m okay with it, I’m with the person I wanted to be with, I teach pilates, i live in Michigan, I danced professionally for years, i lived so much.

[the-top-knot]

I started dancing professionally back in November. I was 2 weeks away from finishing 3 months of rehearsals (learning 3 shows, dancing 6 days/week) when I got injured and had to return home to get hip surgery. I’m now 2 months post op. I don’t have much going on at the moment. I go to the gym every day to train my upper body, core and to do my PT exercises. My doctors say that I’m progressing very quickly and am very strong. I should be able to be cleared to dance by August instead of September! I feel strong, but my range of motion still needs a lot of work. I’m only at a 112 degree angle right now, causing some uncomfortable slight pain. Patience is a goal of mine every day. It has to be. 

Like I said, I don’t have much going on.. yet I feel very fulfilled despite the circumstances. I travel, work out, go and watch dance classes, spend time with my dad and family. I love to grocery shop lol. Been investing in makeup, practicing, watching tutorials, finding new brands that are good for my tones and skin. 

All in all, this recovery process isn’t bad. I have goals, and the stepping stones in place to get to those goals. That’s what keeps me focused, patient, positive, and happy. I’m very grateful today.

[the-top-knot]

It’s been a minute..

Happiness is a choice and I decide to choose it every day. Yes, I still have acrylic nails.

[the-top-knot]

Such a rollercoaster but I am so motivated. I WANT IT! I WANT IT BAD. I CAN AND I WILL

[the-top-knot]

Tomorrow I see Dean and I’m not even going to schedule another appt to see him. I can’t commit to recovery/treatment. I’m not ready. I’ve never been ready. I AM ready to get rid of this disease and behaviors.... What I’m not ready for is the paralyzing fear that comes over me. I’m too scared. 

“fear is the thief of dreams”

that is so true...

*edit* (the next day)

I saw Dean. We made a list of motivators for recovery and then a sub list of th0ughts/fears stemming off of those motivators that have kept me unwilling/unmotivated.

I.E. ....

motivator: stop b/p behavior, start eating normally/normal amounts

fear: binge urges do not go away. They increase w time---> causing more food preoccupation/anxiety---> “i can’t do this” -----> “this is “driving me crazy”/too emotionally painful---> “i don’t want to do this”/willfulness

I felt a bit more clear and hopeful after I saw him. I did make another appointment with him for next week. Unfortunately, he is going back to school and I won’t be able to continue seeing him. He is taking my case to team and I might get matched with another therapist... or they will make a recommendation for an outside therapist. Idk.. I’m lost and confused and I don’t sleep so that makes things worse. 

lastly, this is what i look like summer/beginning of august 2016

[sireneas]

[neonkontra]

[matthieuvenot]

[the-top-knot]

Hi, I’m alive.. here’s what I’ve been doing..

I am happy. I still have rough days with b/p once in a while but I haven’t been this comfortable with food since I relapsed when I was 19. I’ve been focusing on nourishing my body and eating for fuel instead of pleasure by sticking  to a vegetarian diet with an emphasis on raw fruits and veg. Seriously hitting up the west side market for AMAZING produce. Eating soooo much yellow squash, sweet potatos, beets, melon, plantains, zucchini, berries, brussle sprouts, radish, UGH seriously I have fallen in love with veggies and fruits! 

My energy is up SO much since I’ve made this change. I am happy with the people I have in my life. I have a support system. I like my jobs. I don’t rely on therapy or meds anymore. I’m exercising a healthy amount. I’ve rid of harmful behaviors like self harm, stealing, drugs (other than weed.. which I have learned so much about within the past few months and definitely support it).. I still struggle with b/p once in a while but it doesn’t run my life anymore and on those days where I do b/p I am able to get back on track THAT DAY.

I’ve been dancing a lot too. I’m teaching at 3 studios, go to Pittsburgh at least once a month to take classes at Millennium for a day or two, choreographing, finding and GOING to auditions. 

I am very proud of myself and I can’t wait to see where I am and how much I grow in these next few months

[unreactive]

[mxdvs]

[trilllions]

[inactive987654321-deactivated20]

*pushes tear back into eye* not now

[blackrainbovv]

[ruinedchildhood]

[newkidsonmycock20]