The Trans Diaries

[the-trans-diaries]

Introduction

Hi! You have found a sideblog of @dumbofass-homo. This blog is my digital diary that contains very personal information, so don't reblog this shit.

'Til next time,

Emir

[the-trans-diaries]

06.02.2021.

Soooo I managed to piss my mom off last week cause she has no sense of humor and now she isn't talking to me lmaooo

Anyhow, a lil update on me: I'm finally seeing a therapist and the first session was terrible cause I had no idea what to say 99% of the time but hey, it's all good. Another great news is that I sent out my binder for a size smaller and my new one should be in transit right now! I'll order another one as well, so that I don't have to worry about my chest while this one is being washed so all that is fucking fantastic and I'm excited 💕💕💕

Also my acne is going down (fingers crossed I don't jinx it) and even though I had a few anxiety attacks in the past week, I feel pretty great rn

[the-trans-diaries]

31.01.2021.

Today on how fast I can piss my mother off:

I sat down with her as soon as I arrived at her place and she asked me what was new. Since I went out with her and my sister YESTERDAY, I replied JOKINGLY that we've seen each other the day before. She snapped at me and refused to talk to me for the rest of the day.

So the record is 10 minutes apparently

At least I got a free lunch?

[the-trans-diaries]

25.01.2021.

Yesterday I downloaded some dating app to see if I can kinda break the ice and talk to someone online. It ended up with me cringeing so bad I had to delete the app and not respond to any of matches. My anxiety spiked and I couldn't fall asleep for a long time afterwards.

Then the next morning I had some of that anxiety left over and then I found out I would have to present something I worked on for school and I was not mentally ready to do that... it triggered an anxiety attack. I started dweating like crazy and breathing heavily, i couldn't form words, let alone present in front of someone. Thankfully, a friend told the professor that I had something private going on and I wouldn't be able to present and the prof was pretty hill about it. He said he understands we're under a lot of pressure and he won't let this affect my grade.

It took me a long time to come to my senses. I booked my therapisy immediately, but my session is in a week. It's gonna be a long wait.

And then... then comes what happened right now. Some guy started following me on insta and he hit me up and we started talking. I figured he wanted a date or something, but he didn't explicitly say so. I liked talking to him and then... he asked for a picture of me. I debated telling him that I'm closeted, but I decided not to do it and I took a selfie. His attitude towards me became significantly colder and I'd love to say that I don't give a shit cause he's a stranger, but it's been a long day and it did affect me. I know I'm not exactly attractive to gay men, but does that really mean people have to be cold to me and start ghosting me? I'd never do that to someone, so why do people keep doing it to me?

[the-trans-diaries]

23.01.2021.

The past week has been pretty eventful in an emotional sense (at least for my emotionally constipated ass).

Let’s start with my birthday. THANKFULLY, the dude I like didn’t make any move on me (why did I even expect him to, I have no idea), so that’s a bullet dodged. On the other hand, seeing all my relatives and mom was a pretty awful experience. The party itself was great, and that’s probably the worst part. Everyone got along very well, we ate and I opened my presents... but I couldn’t stop thinking about how none of those people actually love me.

It seems silly but it’s true. They don’t and won’t love me when they find out about me being LGBT. I tried not to let it get to me, but it did, and I went home that day feeling incredibly empty. It’s hard to know that all that all that affection and care is going to just...disappear. As if it was never there in the first place. And I’ll be the one to blame for it.

The next event was today, on my dad’s birthday. I went to my mom’s apartment so we can video call him and open his presents for him on camera. Everyone kept telling me how much they loved me and missed me, and all I could focus on was how none of that is real. I barely kept myself sane. Having to live like this is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and I’m not sure for how long I can keep doing it. Something will have to change soon.

Also, to make matters worse, I had to return my binder because it was a size too big for me, so now I have nothing to bind with and it’s making me dysphoric. I wasn’t as dysphoric before, but now that I’ve seen what my chest looks like with a binder, it’s a lot harder to keep under control.

I feel like a living ghost at this point. I’m empty.

[the-trans-diaries]

11.01.2021.

Tumblr decided to be a little bitch

Anyhow long story short

Theres a dude i like and im pretty sure he likes me too

But hes straight

And i stupidlly invited him over for my birthday

And now if he makes a move on me i have two options

1. Make up a random lie and say i dont like him which is gonna hurt us both bc i do actually like him a lot

2. Out myself to him and pray to dear god hes a decent person and doesnt tell anyone. I really dont wanna do this but i think ill have to. I wanted my close friends to know first so idk what to do

Sucks to be me, as usual

[the-trans-diaries]

05.01.2021.

Life update time. I"m feeling a bit better now.

I got into doing art and craftsy stuff again, and it's so much fun even tho I don't have any real artistic ability 😂

Besides that, I've been pretty busy with wrapping up uni projects n shit BUT one important thing that happened to me was that my friend from college that I outed myself to came out to me! Like holy fuck the level of trust he put on me.... he said he isn't 100% sure what his sexuality is, he just explained he does feel attraction to men but doesn't quite know where to out himself in terms of labels. I'm so proud of him, and I was over the moon that he trusted me enough to come out to me. I'm the first person he outed himself to and I hope he was happy he made that choice.

I also bought myself glitter cause ny soul is still six years old and likes shiny stuff lmao

That's it for now, just wanted to pop an update so I have it for later

[the-trans-diaries]

31.12.2020.

I’ll be spending New Years by myself, and I’m not even sad about that fact.

Two days ago I (unexpectedly) went out with two friends, and it was the first time they’ve seen me without the hijab and I just...teared up a little because they didn’t really care about it. They said they’ll support me in any decision I make unless it’s drugs lmao and it meant the world to me to hear that.

I’m kinda sad I didn’t spend more of my time with them throughout uni. I think I would’ve made some solid friends. But if nothing else, I hope we’ll stay friends post-graduation too.

I’m thinking about outing myself to them as bi. I know there’s one guy in that group who’s said some homophobic shit in the past, so I think I’ll keep it a secret from him just in case (he’s a good friend to me and I doubt he’s a hateful person, he’s just a huge Dudebro Chad™, but I’m not sure where he stands on LGBT anything tbh), but the rest of the group is....pretty fucking fantastic actually. It means a lot to me that I have people to talk to about this.

I’m not telling anyone that I’m trans yet tho. I keep struggling with my identity, and I think it’s best to wait for the opinion of a professional before I tell them anything. Rationally, I know they won’t laugh at me or make fun of me even if I say I’m trans and then happen to realize I’m not, but I have a deeply set fear of rejection and I just, can’t make myself do it. Not yet anyway.

I’m waiting for my parents to refund me (I had to spend my own money on groceries and other stuff, cause they had other costs they had to cover, so they couldn’t give me any) and then it’s

Therapy

Dermatologist

Potentially meds

Gynecologist

Blood test

and facial treatment time. Whoop

Basically, I plan on spending all of my money on getting my entire body checked out because I seriously think there’s something wrong with me. I’m pretty sure I’m anemic again, and I think I have either type 2 diabetes or pcos or BOTH which sucks ass because if I have to take E, I might go ahead and throw myself off a cliff.

I was also thinking about seeing a doctor to see why my joints are so bad. I like to think I’m pretty strong for someone who’s only 158cm tall, but I can’t do arm workouts for long, or I’ll get cramps in my hands. Also, if I do pushups for long, may god help me because I’ll have to stretch the fuck out of my joints afterwards. Same thing happens with my hips - they get stuck sometimes and I have to warm them up before...walking. Maybe I’ll leave that particular cost for another month tho, the bills might be a tiny bit too much for me.

Another update I have is that my braces are finally OFF and I got my sparklyass retainer yesterday!

I literally cannot stop smiling now that my braces are off. It’s been a long 5 years of me wearing them.

I think this is enough updates for today. I might add on to this later, depending on how I feel.

[the-trans-diaries]

29.12.2020.

My binder came in the mail today and I LOVE IT HELL YES

TITS WHO

I think I might need a size smaller than the one I have BUT REGARDLESS I’M SO HAPPY AND LITERALLY NOTHING CAN RUIN THIS FOR ME

[the-trans-diaries]

28.12.2020.

The wedding was a shit ton of fun and also a disaster at the same time. I enjoyed myself a lot but when I saw how much love both the bride's and the groom's parents have for them, all I could think about was "I'll never be able to have this" and I singlehandedly ruined the rest of my evening.

I couldn't get it out of my head for a long time. Not during dinner, not while my mom was driving me home, not when I went to sleep, not at all.

I kept thinking over and over again, about how I'd do anything to have a parent look at me at my own wedding and love both me and my partner. Unfortunately, that's a scenario I don't think I'll ever live to see. It hurts a lot and the more I think about it the worse it gets.

When I came home and went to bed, that was all I could think about. I think that night was the first time I truly experienced suicidal thoughts too. I couldn't fall asleep for some reason and my mind kept going places it normally doesn't go to. It first started with how my parents won't love me when they find out I'm trans. Then it became "none of the people I like romantically will never love me that way" also because I'm trans. Then it became "none of my friends will understand and I'll always have to keep correcting them on my name and pronouns anf attidute in general". It kept going on and on until I got so tired that I just thought it was best if I fell asleep and never woke up. That was scary as hell to witness.

Since I still can't afford to go to therapy, I'm hoping at least getting all of this out on paper will help. If nothing else, then at least I have something to go back to when my therapist asks me about it.

[the-trans-diaries]

23.12.2020.

I haven't had the time to write these days. I've been having trouble sleeping and my anxiety's been a real pain in the ass lately.

Since my friend is getting married and I'm the "maid of honor", i have a shit ton of extra costs to cover which means I won't be able to book a therapist before new years which is really disappointing. I was looking forward to it and I have quite a few things I wanna talk with her about. I'm an anxious mess and I'm not okay, I can't keep pretending that I am.

Next would be the fact that my sister is also getting married next August and I'll be stuck with my parents. I still have to figure out a way to move out without causing a family disaster. It's painful to me to know that the reason I have to move out is because they don't really love me or accept me and not being able to tell that to their face. They would lie, again, like they always do, that they do love me and then they would manipulate my emotions into feeling ungrateful and sorry for them. I know how that cycle works. It's just so hard for me to break out of it without professional help.

I also outed myself to a friend from uni after he sent me a very emotional coming out story that made my cry. I was high on emotions and very stressed and I told him I'm bi. I didn't say I'm trans yet. That I'm saving for after therapy, once I figure out if I really am trans or I just have terrible self esteem (or maybe both?).

Anyway, that's it for now, just a small update on my life.

[the-trans-diaries]

16.12.2020.

Update: it’s been a few days and my anxiety is getting worse and worse. I hate how my mom has this effect on me. Her calling me makes me anxious. Her not speaking to me makes me anxious.

For the past few days I haven’t had the barest will to get out of bed, let alone be productive. I’ve procrastinated on my internship project, two projects for uni, doing chores, doing grocery shopping, everything basically. I’ve never experienced this before.

Besides feeling very depressed, I’m also very tired. I keep waking up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and afterwards I’m not able to fall back asleep. It doesn’t help that I have to stare at screens every day either.

Again: sucks to be me.

[the-trans-diaries]

13.12.2020.

Don’t you just love it when your own parents manipulate your feelings to get their way?

I came over to see my mom for a few hours and it started off nicely - she drove me back to her place, we talked a bit and watched tv together. And then she asked me, completely out of the blue, what I’ll be wearing to my friend’s wedding ceremony in the mosque. I told her that I have my suit which isn’t form-fitting and is long enough to cover my curves (believe me, I made SURE of that), and also back when I used to pray, I did that in my pants usually, so I didn’t think that was gonna be an issue.

And then what did I get?

Insults thrown at me and my friend, about how I’ve changed drastically over the past year and how I’m A Woman™ and Women™ aren’t allowed to wear pants in the mosque, which is just ridiculous because I’ve literally done that in the past and so did she, and yet she seems to have forgotten. She kept insulting me, calling me irrational and self-centered (she didn’t use these exact words but she did imply them, heavily, as she usually does because she’s spineless and just wanted to hurt me), and then she moved on insulting my friend, calling her a bad influence, saying that she only ever argues with her parents and never listens to them et cetera et cetera. When I fell silent and tried to collect my thoughts for literally 2 seconds (and I’m NOT even exaggerating), she started raising her voice at me with more insults and just... my heart wanted to jump out of my rib cage at this point. I could barely speak, and I asked her as politely as I could if we could just spend ONE FREAKING WEEKEND not fighting, to which she replied by blaming a friend of mine for making me confrontational. “She’s dear to me but all she ever does is argue and talk back to her parents and that’s all you’ve been doing lately” BITCH WHEN ????

She then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the day, which I didn’t mind all that much, but it still hurt. I can’t wait to move out.

[the-trans-diaries]

08.12.2020.

MY BINDER IS ON ITS WAY CAN I GET A WAHOO

[the-trans-diaries]

07.12.2020.

My paycheck came in! Its therapy time

I've been feeling pretty....well I haven't been feeling anything lately so to say. It's hard to get me excited or happy about anything and I really hate that because I have plenty to be happy about.

Anyway, now that my first paycheck is here, might as well treat myself and get some mental stability (hopefully).

[the-trans-diaries]

04.12.2020.

Guess who ordered his first binder yesterday?

THISS BITCH

It should be here in abt a month and i cant, im so excited 😢💕💖💕😢💖💕💖💕😢💖😢

[the-trans-diaries]

29.11.2020.

My dumbass started gaining weight back and I have no idea why. My diet is pretty much the same, I sleep better now than I did ever before and I even know how to properly manage my stress levels. I didn't gain everything back, just a few kg, but still....it makes me cringe when I look at myself in the mirror.

Also, I hate how lonely I feel as soon as I stop working. I have the evening to myself, I've done everything I needed for my midterms and internship, and I should be relaxing, but I just cant seem to do that. I constantly feel like I'm wasting time while waiting for something to happen, or someone to come talk to me, and yet I make no effort to start a conversation myself.

I have a friend I talk to on a semi-regular basis and I was considering coming out to him, but I chickened out and didn't do it. I'm hoping therapy will help me muster the courage.

I've also been thinking about something recently. If I stay here, as opposed to moving out of the country, my transition will be like. 10 times harder than it has to be. But then again, if I move out, I'll have to start from a literal zero. I won't have any connections, any relatives, any friends, any experience living somewhere brand new. I'll be fully and completely off on my own and I'm not sure if my anxiety can handle that. I'm not good at making friends out of people I've never met before, I'm socially awkward as fuck and find it hard to relax around people.

So I think maybe if I stay, I can help other trans folks transition and find someone they can talk to. Sometime in the future.

Also... regarding my transition, I'll have to dig a little further to find actual prices for everything I need, but the rundown is the following:

Sessions with a psychologist, as many times as it takes to get reffered to a psychiatrist

Sessions with a psychiatrist willing to work with trans people, as many as the psychiatrist sees fit until they hand me my diagnosis

Gynecologist to find out if I have pcos or not

Various checkups at an endo clinic to determine my dosage for hormones

Hormones + trips to adjust dose and do regular checkups

Top surgery after a minimum of 1 year of taking T

All of the above is in Belgrade, which means I'll have to think about the cost of getting my sorry ass to Belgrade and also covering the cost of staying there if necessary, and of course, the medical bills, since my insurance covers exactly zero of this.

I don't think I'll ever want bottom surgery, seeing as the recovery process is extremely long and difficult, and I don't really care what's between my legs (that much). For now this is the plan for my future.

I just hope my transition won't cost me my job. It might, and I'm aware of that, but I like to think people can be good.