The Life of a Dreamer

Andrew ♡ he/it ♡ ftm ♡ madd ♡ Mentally ill sideblog, check pinned for tw ♡ Main: @monoma-neito

[the-writhing-south]

Introduction!

This is my sideblog for depressing things that I can't say on my main (@monoma-neito)

I have maladaptive daydreaming disorder and maybe autism. While I'm not ana, I do restrict, and thus I use ana and ed tags. Block "tw ed" & "tw ana" & "tw ana diary" to avoid the worst of it.

I'm also transgender, which heavily weighs on my mental state. Please don't take anything I say about gender too seriously, it all comes from a place of deep insecurity.

If you don't want to see content from this blog, please block rather than report (although I'll try not to say anything that warrants reporting). Take care of yourself please.

My name is Andrew, I use he/it pronouns, and I love you all :)

[the-writhing-south]

I need to get out of my goddamn head but everything I could do is absolutely awful and draining. When will I ever live effortlessly? In the meantime, I guess I'll just do more and more work until I'm too tired to feel sick and lonely.

[the-writhing-south]

I had this dream last night that surrounded a lot of things: body horror, the betrayal of a friend, an unfamiliar environment, etc. But what really stood out to me was the ending. Just before I woke up, I started kissing this guy in said unfamiliar environment. It quickly turned into full-on making out and he pulled me onto his lap. Then he penetrated me. I've never had sex with a man before, but it was so simple in the dream. Gone were my fears of whether or not I'd be good at it or how much it'd hurt. It did hurt, mind you, I remember the specific sensation. But it was a good hurt. I woke up missing that hurt, feeling utterly empty. I believe my dreams are my brain's way of talking to me: warning me of bad things, telling me what I need, etc. I don't think I quite took away the right moral from this one. I mean, most of the dream was about eating candy and guts in a hotel. But there had to be a reason this last part stood out so much. A moment of pleasure amongst the gory pain. I don't know what to think. I wanna have sex with a man.

[the-writhing-south]

God I just wanna feel happy and loved. Is it that hard?

[the-writhing-south]

he doesn't love me he doesn't love me he doesn't love me he doesn't love me he doesn't love me he doeSN'T LOVE ME HE DOESN'T LOVE ME HE DOESN'T LOVE ME

[the-writhing-south]

I need to do something, anything, to get out of my head. I'm just too mentally and physically sore to do anything.

[the-writhing-south]

Good news I managed to be super productive however I'm still crushingly lonely. Beginning to think it never goes away never gets better.

[inloveforevr-deactivated2025041]

U can grieve and still live life. U can miss loving someone and love others. You can hold onto the good moments and simultaneously the bad moments. You can take the learning from a person you let go off and use it for the better. You can love someone and they may not be the right person. You can wish someone the best and love them from a distance. You can think fondly of someone and never talk to them again.. mysteries of the world…

[the-writhing-south]

I need to do something, anything, to get out of my head. I'm just too mentally and physically sore to do anything.

[the-writhing-south]

I can't mend all my old friendships I can't fix all my mistakes I have no purpose without those who keep leaving and I need to kill myself now

[highladyraven]

I feel so empty. All the time. I just want it to stop.

[ihopeucomehomesoon]

saw u in a dream and wanted to stay with u forever and ever so i didn’t wake up until noon the next day

[the-writhing-south]

tonight's vibes are Woe by Say Anything, Brand New Adam by Dante Emile, and The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry

[the-writhing-south]

I stayed below my calorie goal today!!! Thank god

[acasternaut]

IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF

(@tjpetracca's story on instagram)

[the-writhing-south]

I've been betrayed by everyone I know / Don't blow my feeble cover

[the-writhing-south]

I'm a failure of a man! I'll never be what I want to be! I should just give up now before I waste more of my pathetic life striving for something I'm not holy enough to reach!

[the-writhing-south]

I start to hyperventilate. My hand shake ever worse. Slowly I bring the bl*de closer to my skin. My breath hitches in my throat. The scrapes only build the pressure, slowly, slowly. Then the dam breaks, and it all flows out with the bl**d. My hand still shakes, but my convicted, deep motions steady it. I am not crying. I am calm from the neck up. The waterfall cascades down my chest. I wipe it up, drop by drop, indulging in the sting. Getting high off the sharp pain of alcoh*l against an open w**nd. I hike my shirt up, hiding the evidence of the crime of passion, and go about my day.