b.d.a.

cotton candy skies and messy daydreams. I want to get lost in the beauty of the world.

[the-writing-bee]

don’t look away. let me show you my mind. it’s messy and it is jumbled, a dirty room before spring cleaning. but, it is wild and full of excitement, like the first warm night of summer. say goodbye to tentative breaths and gentle looks. say hello to our fingers intertwined, unable to let go for fear of losing one another. our lips locked together, moving together like words on a page. we are art, my love, and no matter who draws us, we are beautiful. together we are fire, unafraid to get burned. those around us beg to burn with us, have a taste of our liquid ecstasy as it wets our lips and coats our tongues, our words filled with hypnotic power. 

let me show you my mind so you can not forget me. lighting your heart and this page on fire with the world within me. beg me for more and i will grant your wishes. get lost in me and my mind, burn with me.

[the-writing-bee]

and sometimes,

only sometimes,

i wish to disappear.

i wish to fly away like a bee from a flower.

heading home, knowing his purpose.

wherever home is.

my father’s nickname will forever be me,

truly me,

free like a bee,

knowing home awaits me.

[the-writing-bee]

i feel like i am floating through an endless expanse of darkness. 

as if previously, there was a small sliver of light i was chasing.

but now, it is pitch black and i am without a beacon.

where am i even going?

who even am i?

i often wish to disappear.

[the-writing-bee]

thank you for loving me with your whole heart. toxicity behind us, i will always love you more.

[the-writing-bee]

and so we begin again. old habits die hard, i suppose.

tell me why it feels so good

[the-writing-bee]

i walked into the room and then i saw your face you looked me in the eye and i wanted to erase myself

mxmtoon, cliche

[the-writing-bee]

it’s just difficult. loving myself some days and hating myself the next. im stuck in this endless cycle of regular eating, like a normal teenage girl, and then the next day starving myself until i feel like i might pass out at work. its worse at night, when i see myself in the mirror at the end of the day. fat. ugly. everything i dont want to be. why do i look like this? why cant i be the way i used to be? twenty pounds lighter yet still insecure in my appearance. i beg for those days when i was as skinny as a rail and i still hated myself. id rather hate myself knowing i was underweight than hate myself for good reason. i havent hated myself this much in awhile. i wish i could turn back time, never grow comfortable in my body so that i couldnt end up here. 

[the-writing-bee]

in every step i took away from you, my heart called out. at first, it was ingrained in me, easy like walking on freshly mown grass. but then, months passed and it grew painful. as if i was suddenly afraid you no longer loved me. the funny thing was that of course you no longer loved me. i knew that. but my heart was still attached to yours and it became difficult. like balancing books on your head while walking on hot coals. it wasn’t easy, so i learned. nothing ever was. the most difficult thing i ever did was break your heart. 

[the-writing-bee]

im holding hands with my depression

julia michaels, anxiety

[the-writing-bee]

i just want to be fucking happy

julia michaels, happy

[the-writing-bee]

my heart was on fire when i was with you, but i was afraid to burn

i pushed you away

[the-writing-bee]

do not let his rough hands and messy words hold you down

remember that you are your own savior

he is not your only salvation

he is nothing compared to you

he is simply a twig beneath the heel of your boot

[the-writing-bee]

i really do believe i am unlovable

[the-writing-bee]

i sometimes wonder if i am enough

[the-writing-bee]

I have you all to myself in my own mind, even you don't know how much I daydream about your chocolate eyes and bubbly laughter.

[the-writing-bee]

we work together, but you never really notice me. i don't care because I notice you and that is enough for me. I notice you when you're dancing to the music, swaying your hips back and forth, and when you're focusing so hard on something that you begin to chew on the inside of your cheek. you're beautiful. did you know that? your curly dark hair perfectly frames your face. I could watch your hands as you work all day. you don't notice me, but I notice you, and that is enough for me.

[the-writing-bee]

and i am finally numb

i am unsure if this is better or worse