the 50lb Experiment

The chronicles of my experiences, feelings, and crap.

[the50lbexperiment]

Sitting at the Beach in a Bathingsuit

My apartment is much too hot. I needed to get out so I decided to take the 15 minute walk to the beach. I really should have biked but I needed to stop by 7-11 for some water and didn't want to hassle with locking it up. I'm going to be honest. I feel silly as fuck sitting on the sand. I feel like a beached whale. There's a thin, bikini wearing chick sunbathing nearby. I keep thinking in my head that she's judging me or thinking I'm really brave for sitting out looking the way I do. The truth is probably she doesn't care because she's catching rays and enjoying the cool ocean wind like everyone else at the beach. I just over think things which cause me to go crazy. Man, do I want to get in the cool water. Life is hard. Why must society make things that much harder? Can we just enjoy life at any size? Any color? Any gender? Why must we all have to fit into a certain size? Isn't the inside that counts?

[the50lbexperiment]

Still at 170

I’m at this again. I thought that by creating a blog, it would help me unload the bad stuff in my head and help me cope with the day-to-day that is losing weight and trying to find love all while still eating great food. Ugh. I must complete this challenge. 

The concept of this was to prove that weight has a lot to do with why the guy I’ve been yearning for will only take me seriously if I were to be thin. Whenever we’re together it feels right. It’s comfortable and familiar and I feel safe. It’s everything that I want and need in my life. I sometimes think that maybe it’s just a sex thing and that I’m there just to fulfill his burning loins but I’ve been that girl; I’ve been the booty call. I know a booty call. It’s that call on a Friday/Saturday night usually after 10pm. You go, have a few drinks, fuck and go back home. Sometimes you spend the night but leave before 7am. No coffee just put on the underwear and go. Those are always the same. There is no emotion just sex. The reason one does this is because the sex is good, damn good. Not so much with Mr. X (that’s what I’m going to call him. Yes, sounds right). Mr. X calls me up. We chat. We decide to hang out. I drive out and hang out. Catch up on life. He tells me about work I do the same. We talk about any relationships or lack-there-of, you know? Shit friends talk about. We get a quick bite (see here? it’s not a call at 10pm, it’s an afternoon/early evening call) go back and hang out and catch some Netflix. We sit on the couch and here where my mind starts to freak out but my body goes with it and emotions follow suit. We sit on the couch and we do what couples do. Relax on a couch, hugging/cuddling. As if we do this everyday of our lives. Then he does something stupid like give me this weird look or would just lean in for the kiss. BAM! My mind is like a cockpit because this plane is going down. Lights are flashing and sirens are blaring. Not because he’s a bad guy but because my mind can’t compute what’s going on. Things are not like it is with my casual fuck-buddy. No! This is different. This feels real. I spend the night and we usually spoon. I get up, walk the 10 feet from his door to my car and drive the 15 miles home: beaming. I feel happy and sad and worried and anxious. When my mind has reset all of the computers and the lights and sirens have stopped she starts to throw shit at me. I start to obsess, panic, and worry. I think about the events that happened the night before. I think about it all the time. Almost as if it’s a drug. I want more and need more but I can’t just willy-nilly call him and say: I’m coming over. But I can’t. I mean I could but I don’t because I want to be sure that if I call him he’s not going to turn me down. He does that a lot. He’s busy, tired, or working. 

I re-read what I just wrote. If this was another person’s post I’d say: girl! Get away!! I’m an idiot. Still, I want to prove my point: if I lose weight he’ll notice me. That the weight gets in the way. The inside will be the same. 

[the50lbexperiment]

Sometimes I think this is true.

[the50lbexperiment]

This is getting out of control

I'm down to 170 which isn't too bad. I'm back to tracking and I walked 6 miles last night all because I  wanted some McDonald's. I'll be going out again tonight. Maybe for less time today, but will go out nontheless.

I'm feeling pretty awful today. Actually, I've been feeling like shit for at least 4 days. I hung out with (who I think) is the love of my life. Every time I see him and we mess around it messes with my head. I don't know I can't get this cat out of my mind! It's been 7 long years and every time, every time I spend time with him I crumble. My mind thinks about what we did. His kiss, touch, everything! It' haunts me and I just want more. I sometimes think I obsess about him because I'm terribly lonely. It could be true but something in my heart tells me not to let go. There's a reason he came into my life. There's a reason why we can't be alone in a room together anymore. My bipolar mind tells me to forget about it because he's just being a guy and I'm allowing him to let things get physical. Then my stinking mind tells me maybe not. He's just not man enough to tell you how he feels because you both have been dancing around this bullshit for over 7 years.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to talk to anyone because they're all tired of listening to me about him. I talk to God and pray for things to just happen; for things to evolve between he and I and still nothing. I bargain with Him telling Him I'll go to church and do all kinds of good. The cynic in me says tells me to stop because it's hopeless and God is busy. He doesn't have time for you and besides, this thing called love is not in your future.

I'm fucking crazy. I am. I'm crazy about this guy that is always beyond my reach. Maybe the best bet is to just let him go. There's no point in praying because it's just not going to happen, at least not with him.

I'm crazy and cursed.

Gotta get back to work. I just needed to unload what was in my mind.

[the50lbexperiment]

171 & disappointment

I managed to lose a bunch of weight since my last post which is great! The disappointment is that I will never be with the person that I want to be with. I mean, gosh it sounds so fucking silly now as I write this but I have to get it through my head that he’s just my friend. He’ll always just be my friend. One day he’ll meet some pretty girl that hell fall head over heals for and get married and what am I left with? Disappointment. I have to get over him and just see him as what he is: my friend.

The weight loss stuff is going. I have to keep going and learn to love me and my life.

[the50lbexperiment]

179 lbs and a mess

I'm a little depressed. I've gained weight. It's my own fault. I mean, I had pizza, beer, chicken wings, burgers, fries, and ice cream this past week and absolutely no excersise. How am I ever going to get down to 161 by October? I have no one at the moment to give me that extra push and motivation so, it's up to me.

Yeah, I'm a little depressed about it but I'm not down in the dumps either. This past week I've made it a habit to dress up and wear make up to work. It feels good. I feel good. I'm going to try and keep it up. I've been saying I want to get a whole new look and I only get about a third of the way there. I start by getting a haircut and buying a couple of dresses and then just stop there. What I don't do and should do is buy staple pieces. A few nice tops and pants, a skirt, some shorts. Things that I can mix and match. Once I've worn a dress a few times I usually go back to the same old routine: tshirt, jeans, and some Vans. I want to look like an adult because I am one. I want to have style and class. I guess, it's time to grow up. Plus, I want to feel great at any size.

The original plan was to lose a bunch of weight and then treat myself to a new wardrobe but after 16 months of trying to lose 50 lbs it isn't helping. I need to look good at every stage. I'm not ugly but I don't feel attractive. I want to feel like a woman. I want to feel attractive and beautiful. I want to feel and look classy. I haven't really taken advantage of being a woman. I'm still a girl who desperetly needs to grow up and mature. 

I watch a lot of old movies and I see these classy women and hope to one day be like them. The difference between me and them is not much. I always figure I can't be like them because I'm fat. I get discouraged and then go back to just being and feeling frumpy. I'm the only one that can make that change. I'm the one that can stop this and grow up. I once told a guy that I wanted to be classy. He laughed at me. Not like laugh in my face but laugh none the less. I can see why he laughed. It wasn't because I can't be classy but because I can be a goofball. Also, he didn't know me very well. I know that I'm on my way to growing up to be this classy, beautiful woman. It's in me. I just need to bring her out.

I'd love to be able to meet a nice man not some guy. I've been single far too long. I haven't had a meaningful relationship in almost a decade and the years of spending time with "Mr. Right Now" is starting to take its toll. I need love. I need to love and I need to be loved. I'm scared that I don't know how to love. I haven't had to express my feeling to another person in such a long time. I often wonder if I've ever loved anyone since it's been such a long time. I don't know but all I know is that I'm open for love. I'm ready to start that part of my life. People aren't meant to be alone forever. We're meant to be loved and to love. My biggest fear is that I will spend the rest of my days alone. I'm afraid that I am one of those people who just end up alone. Now, I'm not about to get pregnant just to have someone to love. I can't do that. Besides, that's not the love that I crave and need. I'm tired of waking and going to bed alone. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house day after day. I want to take care of someone and to be taken care of. I just need a man, a boyfried, a lover, a best-friend. I've heard that love happens when you least expect it or when you're not even looking. OK, well, I haven't been looking in over a year and still nothing! So, because I am tired of all that bullshit, I am taking care of myself (like I should have been doing all along). I'm going to get a haircut, new clothes and just be a better me for me. I'm going to grow up.

[the50lbexperiment]

175.6

And so my journey to lose 50 lbs begins. Work has been so stressful that I have been either stopping by the local fast food chain or actually eating good but doing absolutely no exercise. I get home, watch tv and forget about the crap that is work. I don’t understand people, well the people at work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and the company that I work for. It has allotted me to travel and meet lots of people. It’s the idiots that I work with that just grind my gears. I’m slowly becoming dumber because my mind is not stimulated. I used to be smart and now, I’m turning into one of them. It’s yet another struggle I have to deal with. I’m not saying I’m this smart, intelligent, scholar-like person but I do have some brains. My work lately has suffered because I’m not challenged. If I get bored, my mind shuts off and it takes a while to start it back up. Especially if there isn’t anything new. I want to move on and look for something else within the company but I also want to move on there and make a difference. My natural instinct is to lead. I feel as if I have lost all motivation. I don’t have much going for me. I don’t have nothing to look forward to and it makes me not want to try. It’s funny because I do have something to look forward to: me. I never think of myself and what I really want. I’m not happy in this skin and I don’t try to change that. It would be amazing if the man that I’m in love with sees past the fat and sees the person. I want to lose the weight for him. This man and I have an amazing connection and it’s all there but the fat. The fat just gets in the way. Why be in love with someone that can’t love me for me? It’s so silly and pathetic but the heart wants what it wants. I sometimes think that it’s just me. I’m the one that says its the fat. I’m the one that puts that barrier up. And it makes sense. I’ve never been thin. I’ve never felt attractive and beautiful and so I use my fat as an excuse to get near someone. I’ve been fucked over way too many times and I need to let go. This man. This man that I constantly think about. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He came into my life at possibly the worst time. He was the light at my darkest. I feel that there was a reason why he came in when he did. I knew him, well of him. The first time I actually met him I was engaged. He came to my store and I was just in awe. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He was everything I loved about a man. I remember feeling nervous because he was just that gorgeous. A year later he walked into my life. He became my friend. He became a very close friend. Then out of nowhere, these feelings that I hadn’t experienced in a long time started to arise and they haven’t left. He moved away and came back and things weren’t the same. Life had gotten in the way; we had moved in separate directions yet these feelings for him are still as strong as day one. During that time, I was a wreck. I had spent my 20’s in a relationship that ended badly. My heart and spirit was broken to the core (I’m still dealing with it). Why him? Why? I compare everyone to him. Something tells me he’s the one. Something holds me back from finding another person. It’s silly and I should just forget such silly ideas but something deep in my heart tells me that he’s the one for me. I really wish it were true. For him, I’d do anything. I’d actually be a better person. He makes me want to be a better me. If and when he and I actually end up together, I’d love for him to know all of this. Maybe not like right away but eventually I’d tell him exactly all of the feelings I have for him. I want to tell him about the first time I met him and how nervous he made me. How he made me feel when he leaned and kissed me in his truck. How I felt that night we drove back home from Coachella and how I kicked myself in the ass because I passed up spending the night with him. How I felt when he put his hand on my thigh that same ride home. The night I went to his house because he was sad and we had an amazing night. I went home feeling like a million bucks. The many hockey games, the shows, the music, the everything. He means everything to me. Everything. I often times feel silly obsessing over him and the possibility of an “us". I’m a 32 year-old woman! This is for teenage girls! I don’t know. I just don’t know. I just wish, I really wish dreams did come true. I’d be complete because right now, even though I’m marginally happy with most things in my life, he’d make my life complete. He’s the missing part of the puzzle. God, if you’re out there, help a brotha out. Help me lose this weight and find my media naranja.