179 lbs and a mess
I'm a little depressed. I've gained weight. It's my own fault. I mean, I had pizza, beer, chicken wings, burgers, fries, and ice cream this past week and absolutely no excersise. How am I ever going to get down to 161 by October? I have no one at the moment to give me that extra push and motivation so, it's up to me.
Yeah, I'm a little depressed about it but I'm not down in the dumps either. This past week I've made it a habit to dress up and wear make up to work. It feels good. I feel good. I'm going to try and keep it up. I've been saying I want to get a whole new look and I only get about a third of the way there. I start by getting a haircut and buying a couple of dresses and then just stop there. What I don't do and should do is buy staple pieces. A few nice tops and pants, a skirt, some shorts. Things that I can mix and match. Once I've worn a dress a few times I usually go back to the same old routine: tshirt, jeans, and some Vans. I want to look like an adult because I am one. I want to have style and class. I guess, it's time to grow up. Plus, I want to feel great at any size.
The original plan was to lose a bunch of weight and then treat myself to a new wardrobe but after 16 months of trying to lose 50 lbs it isn't helping. I need to look good at every stage. I'm not ugly but I don't feel attractive. I want to feel like a woman. I want to feel attractive and beautiful. I want to feel and look classy. I haven't really taken advantage of being a woman. I'm still a girl who desperetly needs to grow up and mature.
I watch a lot of old movies and I see these classy women and hope to one day be like them. The difference between me and them is not much. I always figure I can't be like them because I'm fat. I get discouraged and then go back to just being and feeling frumpy. I'm the only one that can make that change. I'm the one that can stop this and grow up. I once told a guy that I wanted to be classy. He laughed at me. Not like laugh in my face but laugh none the less. I can see why he laughed. It wasn't because I can't be classy but because I can be a goofball. Also, he didn't know me very well. I know that I'm on my way to growing up to be this classy, beautiful woman. It's in me. I just need to bring her out.
I'd love to be able to meet a nice man not some guy. I've been single far too long. I haven't had a meaningful relationship in almost a decade and the years of spending time with "Mr. Right Now" is starting to take its toll. I need love. I need to love and I need to be loved. I'm scared that I don't know how to love. I haven't had to express my feeling to another person in such a long time. I often wonder if I've ever loved anyone since it's been such a long time. I don't know but all I know is that I'm open for love. I'm ready to start that part of my life. People aren't meant to be alone forever. We're meant to be loved and to love. My biggest fear is that I will spend the rest of my days alone. I'm afraid that I am one of those people who just end up alone. Now, I'm not about to get pregnant just to have someone to love. I can't do that. Besides, that's not the love that I crave and need. I'm tired of waking and going to bed alone. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house day after day. I want to take care of someone and to be taken care of. I just need a man, a boyfried, a lover, a best-friend. I've heard that love happens when you least expect it or when you're not even looking. OK, well, I haven't been looking in over a year and still nothing! So, because I am tired of all that bullshit, I am taking care of myself (like I should have been doing all along). I'm going to get a haircut, new clothes and just be a better me for me. I'm going to grow up.