Tumblr's Amish Race

You Betta Churn it... Because God is always watching

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That "tumblrs Amish race" is a fucking disgraceful mockery. I've never seen such utter bullshit.

Excuse you, I am more Amish than Jesus

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How often with churning come into play in this competition as my mule has kicked my churning arm.

Someone should be killed because chores is a lifestyle and if you can't do daily tasks you are useless.

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Meet your new elder judges! Joining Sister Indigo we have Sister Robonette, Sister Butta, Sister Eden, and Sister Jizbel.

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God has told me that this race is a sin

Buddha isn't a real God, you ignorant heathen.

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Start your buggies, and make the best God-fearing Amish woman win!

Are you a God-fearing Amish woman who seeks to show the world that hard work and having no dealings with modern technology? Do you want to do your extremely large family proud? Does the term “Ordnung” make your covered head tingle with joy of work? Then Tumblr’s Amish Race may be the platform for you to tremble in fear of the steady march of human technological progress while also proving to your fellow Amish just how strong-willed and thick-boned you are.

In a hand written letter (or comparable piece of letterhead either dictated or carved), send in a list of reasons why you think you have what it takes to out pray, out work, and out churn 6 other Amish women of God for absolutely no prize because we are all children of God and should share equally in His bounty.

In your submission, please include the following:

Your God-given name, bestowed upon you at birth by your mother and father Your best prayer that honors our Father on high A descriptive paragraph of how you churn your butter to achieve the smoothest, creamiest dairy product A sketched picture of your crops A selfie or a painting of yourself painted by the oldest living member of our family because technology is the devil’s work A list of your strongest attributes (including but not limited to praying, child birthing, churning butter, welcoming in the harvest, cowering in fear of the unknown) A lipsync performance to your favorite Anabaptist hymnal of your choice filmed in a single take A shadow performance of your favorite farming practice A letter of repentance to our holy Father in regards to a time when you allowed yourself to become vulnerable Remember, this is a challenge to prove to Heaven above that you are the holiest of all. If you are eliminated, you will be banished from your community on your return, as you have shamed your family. You must be ready to bear the weight of your work ethic for several weeks. Please be sure to understand the postal system, as we do not accept mail on the Day of Prayer, Sunday.

Submissions will be due Saturday, September 19th in the year of Our Lord 2015.

Good luck, women, and don’t dishonor thy God.  

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Can Mennonites join?

God has gifted you with eyes. Now read, "Tumblr's Amish Race."

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My husband Mortecai is worried that I will expose myself (he is especially worried about the world seeing mine ankles). Is your competition as God-fearing as I pray it is?

Yes, Tumblr's Amish Race is as God-fearing as you believe. Do not worry but please make sure your husband approves your drawing/wood carving/prayer before it is sent to avoid embarrassment.

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What type of bonnet do you get if you win

A hand-sewn cotton bonnet. Nothing flashy because winning The Amish Race is a privilege, be thankful.

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Um if you're Amish then how can you run a blog. #clocked #fakeamish

If you're a sinner and critique your elder's hierarchy, you will be burned for eternity as Satan pisses on your filthy crossdressing self.

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can sinners audition

This is a traditional Christian competition. Please remove and repent yourself.Amen.

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My husband don't allow cameras in my home. May I submit a drawn picture

Yes, drawings are fine. We also accept prayers

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do you accept submissions via postal mail because my friend doesn't use electricity or wifi

Yes, but please make sure you send on time because we have daily chores  and we have church on the Lord’s Day, Sunday. 

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Step away from the milking cows and listen here...

Calling all Amish folk! If you are interested in competing for the title of Tumblr’s Next Amish God-fearing Righteous One, your time has arrived! Are You Ready To Churn It?