The Author of Sarcasm

Writer, Photographer, Hiker

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

A Letter Of Name Disbarment To Josh Hawley From The Board Of Josh's

A Letter Of Name Disbarment To Josh Hawley From The Board Of Josh’s

The Board Of Josh’s Is Not Joshing Around With You, Hawley Dear Josh Hawley, What are you doing, galavanting around the Capitol with your coiffed hair and raised, seditious fist, eagerly helping to instigate a riotous mob into violent action? This abhorrent behavior these past several months has directly resulted in the tragedies that have befallen our nation. You are an embarrassment to the…

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Doctors Solve Logistical Puzzle Surrounding Cold Storage of COVID-19 Vaccine

Doctors Solve Logistical Puzzle Surrounding Cold Storage of COVID-19 Vaccine

CDC Headquarters (ATLANTA, GA) – Scientists and public health officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced Monday that they have solved the perplexing cold storage issue surrounding Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccination.

The answer may surprise you.

The Pfizer mRNA vaccine has an incredibly high success rate of 95% but needs to be stored at the extremely frigid…

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Over the River and Through the Wood: The Pandemic Edition (with apologies to famed writer Lydia Marie Child)

Over the River and Through the Wood: The Pandemic Edition (with apologies to famed writer Lydia Marie Child)

2020: One gigantic rain check

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

To Grandfather’s house we can’t go;

Our mama has fever, no way to leave her

Oh how this COVID does blow.

Not to the river, nor through the wood,

Grandpa we must stay away!

If we proceed, you may indeed

Get sick this Thanksgiving Day

Not to the river, nor through the wood—

Isolating inside…

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic

1980s Movie Quotes that are Relevant During the 2020 Global Pandemic

“Roads?  Where we’re going, we don’t need – roads.”

     -Doc Brown (Back to the Future)

“I can’t breathe in this thing!”

     -Lord Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

(more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

To Pedicure or Not to Pedicure

To Pedicure or Not to Pedicure

As a 43-year-old male, I find myself at a podiatric crossroads.  After four plus decades of wear and tear on these bad boys – and the subsequent complaining I’ve been doing about it – my wife told me I should consider getting myself a pedicure. (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

It's Been a Long Month This Week

It’s Been a Long Month This Week

In 1993, my mom, my two younger sisters, and 16-year-old me ventured to a movie theater in Gaithersburg, Maryland.  My mom had some odd desire to see “Jack the Bear,” a movie starring Danny DeVito.  My sisters and I, having recently seen “Groundhog Day” with our father the weekend prior (our parents were divorced), had a different idea. (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Get Well Messages from the Solar System to Planet Earth as it Fights a Global Pandemic

Mercury

You will get through this, Earth!  Even if it takes a full year to beat this virus, that’s only 88 days. – Mercury

  Venus

We love you Planet Earth!  You got this!  Baby, you got this!  

Love, Your Venus…

  Mars

Good luck, Planet Earth!  Don’t worry if you run out of water.  We ran out years ago and are mostly fine.

Cheers, Mars

  Jupiter

Hey pal!  You will weather this storm. …

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Get Well Messages from the Solar System to Planet Earth as it Fights a Global Pandemic

You will get through this, Earth!  Even if it takes a full year to beat this virus, that’s only 88 days. – Mercury (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Road Trippin'

Road Trippin’

Road trips with teenage kids require patience, snacks, and cars with built-in phone chargers.  While the first two are very important, the third is by far the most important. In fact, road trips of distances greater than eleven miles with teenagers are strongly discouraged unless your car comes equipped with these life-saving chargers. (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

The Presidential Medal of Freedom Resigns

The Presidential Medal of Freedom Resigns

This memo is to inform the American people that I will be resigning from my post in the Executive Branch of the United States government immediately.  Under the current political climate, I am no longer an effective representation of inspiration and hope that I once was. (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair

No Luck in the Pot Luck; Just Cat Hair

It’s that time of year again, when your colleagues expect you to join them in the conference room for the annual holiday potluck celebration.  It is baffling, and downright disturbing, how many people actually get excited about this annual event of involuntary socialization and white lies about the tastiness of the different foods you are being forced to eat. (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Mind Over Matter?

The Best Use of Running Shoes

Well we know where we’re going

But we don’t know where we’ve been

And we know what we’re knowing

But we can’t say what we’ve seen

-The Talking Heads

One of my in shape friends once told me that running a marathon can be done by anyone because it’s just “mind over matter.”  When I finally stopped laughing eleven days later, I dismissed his claim as being an outright…

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Fired for Yawning?

Sometimes I can’t sleep.  It’s not as heinous as it sounds.  Lying awake in the dead of night is a perfect time to create drama out of the mundane events of the previous day.  Was I successfully able to hide my indifference at work, and if not, what can I do to be better at that in the future?  Did I actually put premium gas into my car this morning as the dealer suggested, and if not, what will…

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Unparalleled Parking

I’ve never parallel parked a Prius, but watching the young man struggle to do so the other day was just as perplexing for me as it must’ve been for him.   (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

It Really does go by so Fast

It Really does go by so Fast

My daughter was born on Cinco de Mayo, 05/05/05.  My wife planned it.  I’m not kidding.  If you know my wife, you know that isn’t far-fetched.  She can plan anything. (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

What's in a Name? Meh. Who cares?

What’s in a Name? Meh. Who cares?

William Shakespeare once asked, “What’s in a name?”  No offense, Bill, but I don’t know and quite frankly, I don’t care. (more…)

View On WordPress

[theauthorofsarcasm-blog]

Pillow Talk

Give it a rest

Let’s talk pillows.

George Bernard Shaw famously stated, “Youth is wasted on the young.” I’d like to buy Shaw a low-carb beer, or a kale salad, and personally express my gratitude for that ingenious quip of his. The great irony of his quote, of course, is that you cannot appreciate its truth until your youth has sufficiently been replaced by something far more heinous. (more…)

View On WordPress