Have you ever felt like you're your own worst enemy? Constantly derailing your dreams and ambitions? How about doing something NEW for the first time then immediately find yourself instantly beginning to find ways on why you shouldn’t continue it even when you know it’s what you really want to do?
Well, if all of your answers to those questions are yes then you are the person that I want to speak to! Yeah sure, maybe it might not have been from the things I previously mentioned but I believe we’ve all self sabotaged ourselves at least once or twice in our lives whether we want to be honest about it or not we’ve all experienced it. Now don’t worry it’s a safe space here so I’m not calling anyone out nor am I judging
However, if you are reading this and aren’t so sure whether or not you could relate just continue to read I’m sure you’ll find your answers somewhere in this article. Don't be disappointed because you’re not alone We all carry within us the capacity for self-sabotage, and it can rear its head when we least expect it.
WHAT IS SELF-SABOTAGE?
Self-sabotage is a behavior that is rooted in procrastination, doubt or even fear preventing you to move forward in your day to day life. I like to think of it as you standing in your own way; When you are self sabotaging often times it resembles self doubt, lack of confidence, fear that plays on your mind constantly convincing you that you aren’t good enough, or you aren’t deserving of the having great opportunities and/ or goals you have set for yourself!
The downside to this behavior is that you can either be conscious or unconscious of knowing that you are preventing yourself from living the best life possible without causing you to feel guilty about things that aren’t in your control or that you don’t have control over!
Unfortunately, with this behavior it can affect our ability to function in everyday life whether being personal and professional success and most importantly our mental health!
What is the Cause of Self Sabotage?
1. Past Trauma
No one realizes that trauma is definitely real and the effects of unresolved past experiences and trauma can also be at the heart of self-sabotage.
Trauma can trigger self-destructive coping mechanisms that keep us from moving forward. We’ll stress the importance of seeking professional help to address past trauma and its impact on self-sabotage.
Trauma can be rooted out of few things that may allow you to become either one of these things:
•Anxious Attached- is what is described as people that are seeking extreme levels of emotional intimacy and closeness in their relationships. We can automatically feel scared of losing someone, over analyzing everything even the smallest of things from past conversations, behaviors, any sudden changes it becomes alarming and you feel the need to overthink of ways to prevent yourself from being lonely, disappointed or even people pleasing so that you won’t feel alone or even feeling accepted!
•Avoidant attachment - is a style of attachment in psychology that describes individuals who tend to avoid emotional intimacy and closeness in relationships. You have a hard time trusting others, fear of commitment or being vulnerable, in a rush to end certain things with the mindset of beating someone to the punch before they do it to you!
•Disorganized- your life is chaotic seems like everything is out of control you can never settle into one thing. You are ALL over the place. And when you are, you aren’t able to be alone for a certain amount of time without being destructive to yourself or others! This can terribly affect you mentally, emotionally or even physically!
Our childhoods are a root to a lot of this concerning behaviors!
2. Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem can be a breeding ground for self-sabotage.
When we don’t believe we deserve success or happiness, we may unconsciously undermine our own efforts. Negative self-beliefs can hinder you! Please be mindful that misery loves company and some people will play on your self-esteem in your weakest moments not in all cases but some!
It is important to start with YOU dig deep within yourself self esteem is important and having low self esteem can trigger parts of us that make us believe we aren’t Worthy, you aren’t beautiful/ handsome, it shows up in you appearance or through a tougher feeling of depression if not corrected.
3. Fear of Success
This can be professional or personal for example , Hypothetically speaking let’s say you’ve spent MONTHS preparing to receive a promotion at work you put in the hours and you are confident that this new position is for you. Now the time has come and finally you’ve gotten the opportunity to accept the offer instead of being excited about your hard-work paying off you are now anxious about it.
You are now finding things that will happen that aren’t actually happening! You begin to focus so much on the “WHAT IF’s” or even begin to regret receiving the offer because now you are building up fear and worrying about the things that aren’t yet an issue if it ever be at all.
Let’s think about a personal situation dating for example you’ve either entered into a new relationship OR recent got married and things are going well. You think to yourself YES finally I’m getting all my needs met after a failure attempt of dating and/or Divorce but NOW something seems to be going a little too well or even begins to slow down due to schedules or something of that nature because you notice it and self consciously made your self aware of the slightest change you begin to self sabotage creating an environment of protection where you just might be operating out of a place of fear and not necessarily reality.
Now don’t get me wrong it’s a complete difference between SELF- Sabotaging and intuition by all means if it’s intuition and there’s solid proof by all means do what you need to do!but we’ll save that for another day!
Whether it’s recognized or unrecognized the fear of success might sound counterintuitive, but it’s a real phenomenon. You’d think everyone wants to be successful, right? Well, not always.
Sometimes, we’re so comfortable in our current situation that the thought of success can be overwhelming. We fear the added responsibilities, changes, and expectations that come with it. This fear can push us to self-sabotage in order to stay in our comfort zone.
How to overcome Self-Sabotage ?
Now that you’ve know what the behavior is, why it happens… I would like to provide you with a few helpful tools that in my opinion can possibly become helpful to you when it comes to improving your behavior so that you won’t have to deal with the consequences of your unwanted cycles continuing!
1. Identify the issue: It is important to pay close attention to what may trigger this behavior try keeping a journal and date it. This will help you recognize what set off this behavior !
2. Set a clear goal for yourself: in setting goals make sure that it’s realistic and something that you know for sure you’d accomplish no matter what that goal is it can be a passion project, gardening, doing chores around the house or etc whatever that task is for you; Each day start a new task but FINISH! Even if you have to be like me, set your alarm for a certain time to assist you with time-management. Once you complete a task reward yourself with what makes you happy and that will keep you consistently
3. Self Discipline : You have to hold yourself accountable which I know can be challenging sometimes but I believe that whatever you are striving for you can definitely accomplish with discipline and putting in the work! Like I always say people make time for what they want and if you want to overcome this behavior you will do anything to keep yourself motivated and the first step is ACCOUNTABILITY! I find that people rather point the finger at others for behaviors we put on ourselves hold yourself accountable admit where you went wrong and self examine to find the root of your problem!
4. Avoid negative habits:
The next time you are feeling unsure and find yourself traveling through a train in your mind of negativity distract yourself with positive behavior even if that means. Taking the time out to meditate evaluate the situation when doing so ask yourself “is this really happening or and I over analyzing?” Learn to weigh the positive from the negative sometimes our minds can be our worst enemy!
5. Create a safe pace: it’s always good to have people that positive in your circle that are positive and supportive that can help you identify this behavior! That can be with close friends, siblings, or even a therapist . Whoever it is make sure you create a safe space for yourself sometimes we are so caught up with the idea that nothing is wrong that we miss key components in our life that could be hindering our ability to focus on our behaviors the blessing of it all is that people that love you and that aren’t afraid to be honest with you and give you the tough love you need to overcome this lack of awareness!
it took me a few years in my personal life to recognize the significance of identifying what was causing unwanted anxiety when it came to making decisions, going through different experiences and being aware of the behaviors I had been exuding in my everyday life.
Once I realized that this was something that was deeply rooted in my own personal experience I was able to change my behavior to set myself up for success and not rely on my unhealthy behavior to change the outcome of my thoughts I began to realize that I was deserving and I deserved everything good that came my way! am I perfect? HELL no I’m still a work in progress but I am able to admit it!
Hopefully, this has helped you either become more knowledgeable and /or understanding that meaning of you continuous patterns and behaviors the next time you feel like self-sabotaging yourself remember that you are deserving and everything will work out for you… what is meant for you will continue to flourish no confusion, doubt or even YOU can stand in the way of your greatness!
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