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I haven’t had anyone show up in my life so completely before. One second he wasn’t apart of my life and then there he was. Doing laundry at my house and sending I miss you texts. Like he’s done it thousands of times and we’ve spent months together and not just the past seven days. It doesn’t feel hurried or rushed. He brings a calm energy to me. Steady. Sure. Now he’s here. He showed up so certain. Like a fact. We were strangers and now we’re us.

I know he’ll be gone just as completely as he showed up. I know what that kind of restlessness feels like. This is not his endpoint and neither am i.

For now I’m just going to enjoy his gentle sure hands and the kind patient love he is showing me.

taking chances but holding breaths

Calm. Still. Steady.

He came out of nowhere

I was unsure

Reaching

His gentle calm hands

Waiting My own heart beat

Uneven

There's a crack in my rib From where my whole life shattered

He seemed not to notice

But I felt him soften

In those spots

His fingers sure but gentle

I held my breath and he looked me dead in the eyes

Anxious. Nervouse. Unsure.

with my feet tied together

I was deflated

heavy

I duck but he holds his ground

I wrap my arms around his neck

But plan an escape route

I feel his breath in my ear

Feel my whole body soften

He takes his time

I can't ever imagine him pushing me

Can't imagine he'd hurry this

Even when I'm always rushing everything

While clutching my own stories close

And trying to find a way forward

My sleep schedule is so effed!

cheap free workouts

I always do these workouts when I am too lazy or tired to do an actual workout. I did one of her butt ones the other day. I was so sore and it was only six minutes long! These are great for strength training when you just can't make yourself do cardio.

http://www.blogilates.com

Note-I usually turn the sound off. She has a tendency to make comments about how you want your body to look smaller, flatter, etc. That is not the point of working out for me. I want my body to feel strong and to be able to do all the things I want to do (biking hiking etc). I could see how some of her comments could be triggering but they are great quick workouts.

Today

I haven't cried over Diana in awhile. Mostly because I have been so busy at my job and have had zero privacy for the last month. Today I woke up at my Moms house and just burst into tears. The sadness comes in waves but these waves feel endless.

All packed and ready I hope this goes good tomorrow...I hope it warms up I hope we can set a good tone for our course I hope we have a butt ton of fun...I hope I hope I hope I hope...

Kiddos come tomorrow !!!!!!!!

I do not feel ready for this course like at all. I am freaking the eff out

I have a ding dang cold and I have to go to OB tomorrow :(

babiesssssss

I want kids so bad lately! I just want to have kids

January 1st

NYE was great. I had a great time dancing and drinking with Marina and our Gville friends.

This morning I had a nice breakfast with friends and then drove back to St A. I was planning on being productive but I was pretty tired when I got home and I just decided to have a lazy day. This is probably my last time to slack off for the next month or so and I really went for it. I ate junk food, watched netflix and took a nap.

Tomorrow I am working. This weekend I am packing and then Monday I am heading to base.

I am going to try and think about New Years resolutions and themes. This is the first year I don't really have much for that. My plans are just so up in the air, It is hard to make goals when I still feel like I am processing a lot of grief and trauma.

I applied for some summer jobs in Alaska so maybe that will be something. Who knows.

cool story bro

I just read through a curriculum for middle school kids that focuses on stereotypes, discrimination and violence against women. I wish the college educated men I know had been required to take this. Maybe even take it twice.

Side note:

I have soooo many feminist lessons for the young ladies on my course.

2014 stuff

2014

This year has had some of the best and worst moments of my entire life. I gained a new appreciation for my friends and family. I am ending this year feeling optimistic about my future. My body continues to get stronger and I want to remain committed to physical fitness in 2015.

These were my themes and quotes for 2014. I think I did a good job focusing on these this year.

Live the adventure. This is it.

This year is about movement and adventure, butt busting hard work, Finding new challenges, Building a stronger body and Doing all the scary things.

“know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others”

“There is so little I need to consume and infinite ways to contribute”

“Walk tall, kick ass, learn to speak Arabic, love music and never forget you come from a long line of truth seekers, lovers and warriors.”

—Hunter S. Thompson

Highlights (and some lows)

-NST completed 120 hour training on the ICW and Oklawaha

-First OB course with Lance, Andrew and Casey

-Second OB trip with Raf and George

-Saw Diana for the last time

-Left for the bike trip with Jackie

-Had a lovely time biking MI and TN

-Will and I made up

-Drove from TN to Denver with Will

-Spent a week in Denver

-Will and I got stuck in the craziest hail storm

-Went to Arches on my birthday!

-Had a nice day hike and camped in the back country at Arches

-Got stuck in a crazy sand storm

-Drove to Seattle

-Fell off my bike and busted my arm

-Got to go to Oly to see Jen and Bruce

-Took a crazy bus adventure to meet up with Jack and Will

-Got to bike the islands and had a really nice time taking a nap on a giant rock with Wills friends

-Camped in the prettiest spot of all time even though it was really windy

-Took the train to Montana by myself

-Biked and camped in Glacier NP

-Took the train to NYC and Amtrak lost my bike

-Went backpacking in Vermont and found out about Diana

-Started my job at summer camp

-Came home and hung out at my parents house-visited Gainesville a lot and spent a bunch of time with my family and friends

-Kellys engagement party

-Had Thanksgiving with Diana’s family

-Got offered Assistant Instructor promotion and a course at OB

-Had Christmas with my brother and michelle

Christmas

"I know you said not to get you anything but we donated 100 dollars to Safe Space for your present"

and then I immediately start crying

My brother is pretty good

Starting to feel much more optimistic about next year. I don't think a career job is in the cards for me anytime soon but I do see more adventure in my future.

I am making travel plans for next year so if any of you are interested in exploring around LMK

I can't decide if I should work an OB Course in January....I'm really nervous to get back into it.

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This isn't real