[thebittermonosaccharide]

i opened my eyes and it wasn't May anymore. time didn't stop. it kept running and it never looked back. we never got that house with storage and gathering spaces for our university orgs. there is no future, no tomorrow. we never got more cats. i never got to frame your origamis. we died that morning, seas apart. just in our screens but concrete enough to lay under the ground and never return. two kids who finally grew up. i know you don't go around the campus and still wait for me. but i do. sometimes. i wish i can get just a glimpse. i should not. the sodium lamps that once guided our walk when we first met don't know us anymore. neither does the people who saw how electric it was to see us finally come together that night. i hope you're happy. i mean that in the way people mean it when they are letting things go. with a small smile and a heavy heart. get there safe. you don't have to call me when you do. i don't have to know anymore. it sucks but i don't have to anymore. i don't.

re-writing an anonymous message as another anonymous message; inspired by a submission through spokenin.ink (instagram)

[thebittermonosaccharide]

i went and dipped my body in mourning

i feel like as if there is no other sad thing in my life to fixate on that when i get these bouts of sadness, i turn to who we were and what was lost -- a lifetime ago that feels fresh once you pick the wounds. like they never truly healed. and as i tread through these waters that i feel like i have been unexpectedly pushed to, i also realize how far it has been. how much of a lifetime ago that was. and we have chosen different things as we have learned and went through our lives separately. and that is just what we need.

in a few years from now, i might meet your kid. and she would have your eyes but not my smile. it would be someone else's. and i would feel such immense pride and joy for what it turned out to be. what proof of love and happiness in you. and that's all i ever wanted. all i ever wished for.

and we are okay. and we will always be.

at least, i will always have your playlists. my songs. the youth i can look back to and shared with you.

you have healed so much pain that i had. and i thank you for that. in you, i had a best friend in such a confusing world. you went with my anger, my sadness, my despair. you took me in like i was a five year old with a scraped knee. and how much i have healed and blossomed under your care.

whenever i would hear tahanan, i will always remember how you held me in the dark, in the top bunk of my dorm room bed, crying into your chest.

we wanted so much out of this life. so much dreams that i think i eventually forgot about. im sorry. i think, i got us lost. we'll never build that house that you would engineer. im sorry.

i always refrained from writing because i became the person who was afraid to admit. but like i always told you before. as when we were kids. i still believe the same -- love never leaves, it only transforms. and as such, i am the same. i'm never leaving, i have only changed. i loved you then and i am proud of you now. we were amazing together.

[thebittermonosaccharide]

will you ever say a proper goodbye? even at the end, you never had a word like always i tried you know i tried my best to bring out your voice because you had a lot to say and not just anything kind words and powerful ones i know because they were there for mine but maybe not over half a hundred moons you almost always never say a word and i always just believed you did even if i knew it inside me that whatever happens you never talk you never argue you always just let things get by even when i hurt you even when things are bad even when im evil i thought it must be nice to have someone worship the shit out of you for all of my lifetime i always just wanted to be loved by someone an entity with a mouth and a hand to be loved with eyes and an embrace and you were it and more you worshipped the path i am in showered me with flowers but what is sunshine without the rain? is it really love when there’s no pain? how blue blues are when there’s no gray unconditional is nice but along the lines you have to know and you will know maybe it isn’t love when you can do no wrong i loved you i know i did i wanted your unconditionality to be something else something bigger i really did but when its a fifth of my lifetime and i would still have to get angry to get a word out of you maybe its just plain worship and not love but who am i again to tell you what is right i should stop doing that because even in distance even in disguise i know you would still nod agree in silence and torment yourself “sorry, i worshipped you that was all i knew”

r.m.d | ascend

[thebittermonosaccharide]

there isn’t much to contemplate. it’s just that, grieving comes in stages, as they say. and sometimes, you never know whether it has fully gone away or not. when it happened, i kept my ground and told myself i deserved much more than what i was getting. and as much as i was thinking, i was eventually right. it has been three years and for that much, i have waited for nothing. he needed sleep and never came back with a word. there isn’t much to contemplate. i knew it then and i know it now. and i will always remember it when i need to. even with much pain for her, my 21 year old self. he was the most cruel and i just never admitted it until now.

[thebittermonosaccharide]

i wake in the middle of dawn s till, whispering just your name oh my lips have never landed yours still, i crave for to pull you in for more your hands on my cheek, on my arm, on my chest, on my waist what kind of infatuation i am desperate for a taste you in places we frequent, we share drag me in and out, lay me bare i can hear you calling me beautiful i just know you would be sweet so tender, i breathe in your name i call to silence from miles away brush me down, cover all crevices gone where are you, when will you come?

r.m.d

[thebittermonosaccharide]

i always cried out wanting to find home. always struggling to know. where is it? what does it even mean? unlike most, i found the avocado tree growing over my head suffocating. branches stretch and wells deepen with the same echoes. so we gave it all away, bit by bit. perfectly crafted routines packed into four corners.

exchanged my tree for a matchbox. light shone differently here. limbs folded. my cat despises it. she can never lie down straight anymore. i feel rotten. my things are always in suitcases. missing a home i don't even recognize. accidentally lit a fire, suffocation turned literal. what is it really? where is it? what does it even mean?

[thebittermonosaccharide]

is it the sea or the spring water? cold splashes at the soles of my feet across the room, on dry gray tile floors a frame i stop for in the museum my gold and pearls just for you still and inviting

are you to take me somewhere? where is that exactly? do i float aimlessly? do i have to drown?

last year, i almost drowned with perfect knowledge of swimming i entered an unfathomable abyss momentary confusion and breathlessness i could not stand i could not stand

still and inviting are you the sea or the spring water? the memory sends me to freeze in the summer yet i am pulled across the room where will my ankles anchor on do i need to tie them before walking forward and so oh still, stand still still

r.m.d

[thebittermonosaccharide]

and maybe its okay to let it go let it simmer then fly away summer to unforgiving winter wind the spring will come so will the summer, once again by then i hope to see your face smiling, in an unfamiliar place

i will always have you here, in between my fingers wisp of air between tarot cards you have a piece of my heart

there shall never be any lack for we have truly loved, we will truly love r.m.d

[thebittermonosaccharide]

i have gained an extra eye thanks to you there is a crystal ball certain of what will be tiny humans, breakfast sundays, profound looks,  unapologetically calling you honey some stroke of clarity in this uncertain world maybe i am going crazy what overwhelms me? clamoring, cluttered breathing of certainty i know, i see my self a reflection as clear as water rushing to shore and you  my shore, just you i have no knowledge of the hows after all, i was never the best at school but familiar, you are to me like a madwoman saying, this is how the world ends ---

this is how ours intertwine this is how ours spin round and round and round

heads tilted towards each other the earth and the trees meeting the lakes and the rocks crushing

i see you now i see you tomorrow i see you always

r.m.d

[thebittermonosaccharide]

<log>

has it been five? or maybe six years since i wrote a poem about this guy. 

i looked back on this humble little blog that shared her angst and destructive emotions to the world. she had feelings. so much feelings. and maybe if she only had the chance to fully developed those skills, she would have been a great writer. maybe.

anyway, it has been six years since i wrote a poem i remember as “rabbit hole” about this guy and my first love and my full of emotions self. it has been six years and suddenly, he was in my dreams a couple of days ago. and it shook me. im trying to recover but im still thinking about it.

somehow, i guess. maybe i should’ve manned up and got rejected so that my subconscious can just quit the thinking. because its been six years and suddenly im all rattled, once again.

am i back to the rabbit hole? or is this nothing.

[thebittermonosaccharide]

hey, how have you been

[street---lights]

[thebittermonosaccharide]

i used to believe that im a victim of wrong timing but getting older made me realize that only wrong people exist. but your presence makes me bealive theyre true. that sometimes the pacing becomes too fast or too slow that we miss some things, we miss people.

[thebittermonosaccharide]

im so sad. and he also is. and what we have is. i have a thing or two with fixing things. i want you now. maybe because he and i are sad together. maybe because i cant fix him anymore. and the mess that you are, i want it. i want to fix you instead.

[fluffygif]

Sit back and Relax by conorhegyi

[thebittermonosaccharide]

i didnt know it could happen. i didnt know that i would actually dream about you. i didnt know that when i turn around, it would be you and i wouldnt be as surprised. i didnt know that as you take me in your arms, your scent would cover the whole room. i didnt know i would actually feel your skin on mine. it was a dream but i didnt know it would feel as tangible as the real thing. i dont know, maybe i miss you.

[thebittermonosaccharide]