Gypsy Ⅱ Gemini

✑ : thebonafideconfidanté

[thebonafideconfidante]

trench warfare

as soon as i find a way back in, you're there with a road block. you're holding my heart and toss it like a grenade. i don't know why i'm here but i keep coming back.

[thebonafideconfidante]

anyone out there?

it's 1:20am, and i have to wake up in a few hours. i can't go to sleep because my GERD's acting up. there's so much acid in my stomach, it's burning the back of my throat. i tried drinking water, and i almost threw that up. i'm miserable. and this house is too quiet, except for the occasional creak and groan. i feel like i'm trapped in a bottle, and despite all the noise i make, the world can't hear me, and i can't hear the world. i need to rest.

[thebonafideconfidante]

please, come back out

she counts the bad days, with tally marks on her arms. her skin is her scoreboard. and the world is winning. the sky outside is a bright dreary grey. the kind where you have to squint to look up, and it burns as much as the sun. i hate weather like this, it clouds the sky like a blanket and it puts my mood in a dark place. on days like this, i just want to be alone with my cigarettes but at the same time, i want company. but i don't want to have to converse, reply, or even do much of anything. sometimes, you don't need to TALK to somebody. you just need to talk outloud, and have someone there to hear it. but you don't want an answer, or advice. you just want to be able to say things outloud, and know you're not crazy because you're not alone. even if you might as well be.

[thebonafideconfidante]

back again

why is it that when i think i'm finally in a new place, the scenery reverts right back to my memories? and the familiarity isn't comforting, it's more of a reoccurring nightmare. i tried to avoid you for over a year, i'm done with re-reading old emails, replaying lost conversations, and imagining all the ways i could've done it differently. i took a path that was the farthest from you, but i had no idea it looped around right back to you. i gave you time and space, i walked away and STAYED away. because i wanted to get over you. but i'm back here, discovering that i CAN'T just erase you just to realize that you've replaced me. what did i expect? people move on. time heals all wounds. then why won't it heal mine? closure, closure. i want to snap this treasure box shut, and lock it away forever. but it's laid out in the open, and i don't have the strength to even close it.

[thebonafideconfidante]

what

my mind backtracks and fast forwards. i have so many thoughts jam packed in my head, i feel like it's pushing the walls of my skull. i want to let it out, i want to scream it loose, but it stays, tightly wounded. coiled, and ready, but where's the release?

[thebonafideconfidante]

coffee break

time trickles down, and it hardly makes a sound. you try to find your footing, but you barely touch the ground. you think you're levitating, but you're hanging by your neck you think you've reached the finish line; you've hardly started yet. now tell me what you're feeling, and i'll tell you what it means but don't think you'll ever get it, because nothing's as it seems. just keep moving forward, but you're slowly stepping back. don't disturb the pieces, but you've upset the whole stack. your guard remains eye level, but you'll never see a thing you're so afraid of falling that you've clipped off your own wings. backspace to oblivion, we don't even know your name you think you cut your losses, but you just lost the game.

[thebonafideconfidante]

what did you expect?

i'm not even going to let myself think about it. and i won't even allow myself to mention what "IT" is. dig a hole, drop it in, bury it, and leave a flower. i'm moving at a steady pace. i feel like a ball in a labyrinth. too fast, and i'm going to fall into an open crevice. too slow, and i might as well not be moving at all. one foot in front of the next, yes, i know i'm walking in a giant circle. but at least the scenery looks familiar.

[thebonafideconfidante]

smile for the picture

so for valentines day, i spent it with jonny, my ex at the tet festival. it's crazy because the last date we had was 3 years ago at the same place. it was like dejavu, except everything went RIGHT instead of horribly wrong. the weirdest thing is, i STILL don't see myself dating him. i always secretly wanted to be in a serious relationship, but commitment feels like a trap. and instead of learning to love my shackles like almost everyone does, i feel like i would knaw my own arms off to get out. i feel like i'm honestly and truly cursed, i have never met anyone as strange as me. why can't i just accept the love, and be happy?

[thebonafideconfidante]

please monitor her

stuck inside a catacomb, while you wander all alone. left inside an empty home, what to do but drift and roam, i can't even bitch and moan, my hearts become as hard as stone, and no, you can't cry now that you're grown, please take my keys, i can't drive blown. they say that i'm accident prone, i say that you're all mindless clones, i'm on the ground while they've all flown still trapped inside this twilight zone. now you're trying to tell me how to deal, and analyze the way i feel but this issue to you's, too surreal you think that if you slowly peel, the layers off, you'll help me heal but all you've done is booked and seal my private thoughts as they congeal you approach me with such sad appeal but my problems make this all too real. now, tell me what you want with fate, i'll fill you with my fill on hate please stand back while i demonstrate, as i tilt the bow and calibrate, and i can't miss, my aim's too great, this weakness is my favorite trait i'll watch you watch me dissipate you tried to save me, you're too late.

[thebonafideconfidante]

fear of fear itself

i used to hate being alone. or being seen being alone. i'd always needed to have somebody, a sidekick, or a flock trailing after me. i needed to be surrounded, i needed to be in control, i needed to appear as if i had somebody, because inside, i had NOBODY. i was nothing. i used to be deathly afraid of silences. i hated the impact of not hearing anything, but this immense powerful nothingness just smothering me ringing in my ears because of the intensity of not hearing a sound. i would go out of my way to turn music up or put on the tv, and the radio, anything and everything i would walk around the house and tap things and make noise as if i could scare the silence away. but it was so tiring because sooner or later it would find me like a tidal wave, when i least expected it, would come crashing down on me, crushing me with the feeling of devastating loneliness the silence was as alone as me, and being reminded of that was the worst feeling in the world. but now, i'm completely different. i'm still alone, more than ever. but i get peace of mind when i'm by myself. i search for silent moments, because it brings me clarity. i don't want to sound like a zen buddhist or anything but it's crazy how different i feel now. if there's such a thing as music therapy, then silence therapy came at the right time. sometimes, you NEED to be alone, sometimes, it's best to listen to nothing at all than mind-numbing noises that distract. i swear the silence talks to me and now, i can finally listen.

[thebonafideconfidante]

chew and swallow

I've been clean for a while now. I'm even attempting to quit smoking by not buying them anymore. Out of sight, out of mind right? But its not like I'm gonna turn one down ha. some times its easy. And some days my heart is screaming for something, anything. I feel stagnant. Rotting beneath the bottom of the pond. I feel dormant. But all I want to do is spew lava. I feel like I'm in neutral, crusing at 2mph through a bunch of buLlshit. I miss the bright lights, the colorful scenery. I miss the out of body experiences. But the comedown just might kill me, And the suspense of trying to stay away is just as poisonous. What a rut.

[thebonafideconfidante]

work my mind

[thebonafideconfidante]

tell me if it hurts

look past my actions, and see into my motives. in a crazy fucked up way, it'd all make sense. call me bipolar, but when i switch my moods, i'm asking you to figure out which one i'm really feeling and which mood i'm feigning. i want to confuse you but at the same time, i want you to figure it out. like a scientist setting up the rat maze, with a cheese at the end of it. i'm leading you straight to the point, but i'm throwing a few obstacles in the way. why even bother to make it a puzzle? so i'll know if you think i'm worth solving. why not tell you straight out? i don't want to scare you away. if you figure things out slowly, like connecting the dots, the picture magically starts to form, and the lines becomes shapes, and the shapes become my point. and that's different than having the picture laid out for you in the beginning. it's boring, it's undiscoverable, it's unappreciated. or maybe, i just do what i do because i know you'll never solve me. and i want to mindfuck you to the brink of fury, before you disgustedly throw the pieces off the table and storm away. storm away, love. the peace after the rain is worth it.

[thebonafideconfidante]

give him my goodbyes

i pick apart flowers, wondering how long before the petals tell me what i want to hear. i don't think i'll be going to school at all this year. i don't think i'm going to finish anything on my to-do list. i don't think it's ever going to hit me, that i've cruised in neutral, straight into a ditch.

[thebonafideconfidante]

side-step me

we're like two magnets. and i'm just trying to figure out if we oppose or attract. it feels like no matter where i go, you're always within my range. but every time i step closer, you move a little farther away. we're in each other's arms length, but we can't seem to enclose them. the closeness kills me, as much as the distance. some days, it gets so frusterating i wish you would just blow away. it'd hurt like hell, but i'd eventually get over it. having you here, only extends the damage. and i can't see what it's doing to me as it eats away at me, little by little. every single day.

[thebonafideconfidante]

my reflection isn't right

"...that everything that irritates you about others, is your key to understanding yourself. What angers you in another person is an unhealed aspect of yourself."

[thebonafideconfidante]

i spy, something bright

the only constant in my life, is constant change. the only repetitiveness, are my problems. the only pattern, is the cycle in which i deal with it. step one; i get angry that i'm even in this position. i let my wrath flare to the point of implosion. then i complain about how it's not fair, as i wallow in self-pity. then after the sorrow dissipates, i become numb, jaded, and then indifferent. i accept it with the sad submission of a soldier who sees he's fighting for a lost cause. i let it infect me like a poison, and then i fall back and wait. don't think i've given up, i'm just waiting for the storm to pass before i get back into my boat, and start sailing again. i'm not a sad person, i don't let my circumstances define me. but i'm not a happy person, because i haven't found anything to make me believe i should be. but i take things as they come. and when you see me with a fat smile on my face, it's not because i'm pretending. it's because for the moment, yeah, life is beautiful. and when you see me with the look of utter hopelessness, it's because things are as beautiful as they can be. but i'm alright, and you don't need to worry about me. just keep being you, and my smile will stay a little longer. please don't chase it away with your misfounded concern.