Countdown to June: 36 Weeks
Every morning for the past three days or so, a red robin has popped up on the outside of my window seal..as if to simply say hello. I find so much joy in it.
All I want more than anything else in life is inner peace. All anyone wants is to be able to feel good while they are alive. I realized this early on in my life. Since getting pregnant, I have explored facets of myself that I had previously avoided. I examined things like my perspective on sexuality, my view of my physical body (especially as I began to change throughout my pregnancy), and old paradigms that I may have still been practicing that no longer serve me and my ever-expanding being. I began to ask questions like “What do I want the tone of my household to be?” “Isn’t it so possible to feel better and better with each passing day?” “Isn’t life really just a beautiful dance we get to orchestrate according to our focus on what we love?”
The realization about what’s to happen for me. Here I Am, the actual portal that allows the physical manifestation of infinite intelligence here on the physical plane. A new expression of divine creation whose parents insist on life going absolutely well for them as a family. The waves of joy I have been riding lately leave me feeling absolutely high off my own emotions. I think about how much of a natural high our baby will be for us. I am finding the smallest pleasures that serve as treasures for me in my daily life, like watering my new succulent that surprised me and bloomed beautiful, yellow flowers. I Am enjoying each day of simply living and watching some of the biggest ideas I’ve ever had begin to manifest right before my eyes in the most subtle, easy and beautiful ways. Deeply connected meditations have revealed to me new truths and possibilities for my story I call my life.
I found myself in tears yesterday as I was truly realizing the vastness of the change that was about to happen. I had to really contemplate on the idea that though the changes will be big, they will also beautiful. It is my choice to let it be beautiful. Let my birth be beautiful, let my family dynamic be beautiful, let myself be beautiful. Let it all feel good. I realized that though there are aspects of myself that are evolving into emotions that feel better, it is my choice how big of a deal I make these aspects. They don’t define me. They aren’t me. From time to time I get tempted to zoom in on the one wilting flower in the many flowers of my being and notice everything about it as if it somehow is me as a whole, when really, flowers wilt and new buds bloom. It’s an infinite process of blooming and becoming more. There is so much more beauty about me than anything else.
We had Grandma Fay over for dinner and after I found myself feeling rather tight in the belly. I could feel my emotions teetering as I began to contemplate things that needed to be done in the coming days and felt a looming anxiety. I breathed in and exhaled deeply numerous times as Cloud and I made our way to the bathroom for a shower, trying to remain as mentally light as I could. I made the suggestion that I would likely feel lighter (mentally and physically in my belly) from the water of the shower. We had a candle lit shower accompanied by sage and a meditative frequency. We spent a while under the water talking about what we wanted to focus on in ourselves as parents, not talking, hugging, loving, accepting, being. Towards the end of our shower, we stood forehead to forehead and he rubbed his fingers gently on my temples and I began to feel this amazing tingly sensation where our foreheads met that danced down my spine. The feeling was so pleasant I began to laugh and had to stop because it simply felt so good. That’s the same feeling I get during a really free flowing meditation. I told him it felt like we were kissing each other’s third eye. Our love is divinely beautiful
During the course of our shower the tub stopper closed so the water had began to accumulate over our feet. As I unplugged the stopper, he suggested that we imagine something that we want to get rid of going down the drain with the water. I imagined anger and self-doubt sliding off of my body like some type of black sludge and into the water. The words began to stretch out and dissipate in the water as they circled down the drain. After we got out and before we walked out the door he asked me how I wanted to feel when I walked out the door. I pondered for a brief moment. “Exhilarated!” I bursted out. He pondered for a moment on the feeling he wanted to feel and received the word “bold.”
After we made our declarations of intention, we walked out and I immediately felt a rush of exhilaration as I jumped on my pregnancy ball in our freshly cleaned living room. “I’m so happy the living room is clean,” I stated with true satisfaction after having it adorned with baby items for the past month.
“Sounds like you’re exhilarated,” he quickly observed.
I lit up with pure delight as I continued to bounce naked on my pregnancy ball. Cloud picked up his bass and started playing something bold that I was sure to let him know sounded divine. Instant manifestations.
The best advice we have received during pregnancy is to stay loose once the baby gets here and everything will flow easily. That is great advice for literally any situation. Stay loose. Be flexible. Flow. Let it be amazing.
I Am having the experience of motherhood and parenthood that I want. And so it is because I Am. Thank you to my mommy for being my prime example of what a gentle, funny, all around wonderful mother is like.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the women out there doing their best..and we are all always doing our best. <3
