Setting boundaries
[TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide, depression, anxiety, and financial trauma]
To celebrate my first post here on tumblr, I'll talk about my one recent achievement that's been long overdue - setting boundaries.
"Can I borrow $"?
"Can you please find me $"?
"I promise I'll pay it back by the end of the month"
"Help me find money please"
"I don't know what do anymore"
"I'm gonna leave. I don't know what to do anymore"
"I'm begging you, help me find $"
"Fine. I'll just leave and never come back"
"I wanna kill myself"
"I'm gonna kill myself"
"Please find me $"
These are the messages I have been receiving from my mom since 2019. Even now while I'm writing this post, I'm getting texts similar to these. The worst part? It doesn't even end there. It is much much worse when she gets home. She would smack tables, walk so loudly, scream, make a show of packing bags, etc. What used to happen was that I would cave in and loan money form others under my name and my reputation. She would promise that she'd pay me back and when the due date comes one of three things happen:
Pay me back
Pay me half or less
Not pay me at all and would make me look for more money (this happens the most often)
I have lost friendships, left jobs that I loved, had bad episodes of depression and anxiety, and sacrificed my needs just to help them.
Fast forward to 2023 and I have had ENOUGH. I am now neck-deep in debt from numerous banks/persons. She knows this and guess what? She's STILL doing it to me. But like I said, I am now setting boundaries.
"I'm sorry, I don't have any more money. I can't ask anyone for money anymore because I'm not paying them back since you're not paying me back. The amount of debt I am in can affect my work and it's possible that I wouldn't be able to transfer jobs because they do a background check. I hope you understand what you did to me."
This was the last message I sent the other day. I haven't uttered a single word to them. One might say that I'm being bratty, but the amount of verbal and financial abuse that I got from my parents now outweighs the small amount of pity and patience I have for them.
They have absolutely traumatized me. Sounds of someone approaching and opening our door makes me jump. Getting notifications speeds up my heart rate. I am now TERRIFIED of (unknown) phone calls.
I refuse to let them dictate my life now. Cutting them off has been the easiest and hardest thing to do. Easy because right now I just feel numb from everything that's happening. Hard because cutting toxic relatives out of your life is not common in my culture (plus the fact that they are still my parents and I love them).
Whatever happens, I will accept. If they leave or kill themselves, I will not blame myself or anyone else. This is their fault. This is the karma they get from being horrible people.