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I’m still here waiting on forever. Three years farther from you and yet three years closer. Perspective full of wonder and constant ache. Love you so so much, Benjamin. 💙 {He made the stars and oceans blue But says that none compare with you You are his treasure and great prize! He knows your name. He made your eyes. He is your Shepherd, little lamb. The King of Heaven The Great I Am} -Sally Lloyd-Jones https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs9rs4XhhlfjMMSOMgLwAwb0BYyv1zk9Ru3ZlE0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=j62zuaufq6ya

Such big love for you on your first birthday, Benjamin. #january22 #bubalobros #journeytogether

#january22 #bubalobros #journeytogether

The sun comes up It's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass And whatever lies before me Let me be singing When the evening comes #glimpsesofglory #Lordhastetheday

#lordhastetheday #glimpsesofglory

Benjamin, Together we shared New Years last year with views over the city of Kampala. It was beautiful watching the fireworks light up the city from our borrowed house on the hill. The boys were asleep in the rooms next door, and it was you and me. Like so many nights, together. Weathering together. Enduring together. Those first twenty minutes of 2016 were peaceful together- watching over the balcony from my window draped in the makeshift kitenge curtains. I remember those moments; the moments of hope and prayers for health and healing in 2016. My hand on you, your head always tucked way down to the right. So often I held your head and your little body stretching across my belly to the left. These are the fleeting moments of joy from those days. I wrote then, "I keep feeling you inside full of life- saying hello, and it makes me smile, makes me so happy to be your mama and to interact with you. You are so special baby. Such a blessing." Oh those moments with you here. Longing to hold you again sweet boy. #loveyouforever #Lordhastetheday #ificouldturnbacktime

#lordhastetheday #ificouldturnbacktime #loveyouforever

Back for More

The last week of September, I was able to make my first trip back to Mbale to support and give direction within the mental health project of JENGA. Being there with everyone was such a joy and very productive! So happy to be continuing to work with these fine people.

Inevitably, due to our sudden departure as a family from Uganda, certain aspects of the project weren’t as solidified as they could have been, so this visit became an essential time of clarifying roles and tying up loose ends. Titus, the counseling psychologist now employed full-time within the hospital in my former role, has done an excellent job of continuing to integrate psychological services into the treatment team. This is not an easy task! It’s one that requires some finesse - showing the other clinicians that we are with them, not against them, but that there are some changes we’d like to see within the unit. Two other “lay counselors,” to whom we have provided training in basic counseling skills, are also now on track to be a vital presence in the hospital.

A significant amount of my time in Mbale was spent helping this team of three become more connected with one another, and feel confident in their roles in serving the mental health unit. Not only that, but I was able to help them get more acquainted with the other clinicians in the hospital as well. I’m finding that in this role, I can focus my limited time on providing vision and bringing unity to Ugandans as they carry out the work.

At the end of my time, I took they guys out to Mt Elgon Hotel, a favorite among expats, but rarely frequented by the locals. They spent a significant amount of time interrogating the waitress about menu options, from the pizza (“what are the contents of this?”) to the bacon wrapped chicken (“pork and chicken are within one?”). Lots of laughter at this final meeting.

Left to right: Patrick, with Mental Health Uganda, an NGO focusing on community awareness. Pastor Philip and Joseph, the two men working part-time for JENGA on the mental health unit, providing spiritual support and basic counseling. Titus, the counseling psychologist who took over for me full-time.

In addition to time spent with the team, Titus and I led a follow-up training from our last session with all the JENGA staff about mental health disorders and basic counseling skills. The staff are involved in a variety of ministry projects, which all intersect with mental health in some way. Pastors can benefit from learning counseling skills and community workers regularly interact with people who have psychological illness and addiction. They have so many questions for us, and have really tried to soak up the knowledge.

Recovery groups are another arm of this project, and during my trip I was able to meet with and help equip leaders from two new groups that are kicking off this month. One group which continues is in the slum area of Namatala, while two new groups are in Mooni and Musoto, the other major slum areas for home brewing and selling alcohol. Musoto is literally overrun by the business and consumption of the local “waragi” alcohol. Walking through the community you see and smell the runoff waste from the brewing process. Starting an alcohol recovery group in this place is a first, and a completely novel concept for a community whose youth regularly consume the drink. Providing this resource is a first step to changing a system that is 100% conducive to raising up addicts. Education and prevention is another part of the program that is beginning. Titus and several interns have done educational seminars at local schools to inform young people of the deadly effects of this and other street drugs. We pray that God will keep growing this movement in Mbale and all throughout Uganda, the highest per-capita alcohol consuming nation in Africa, and among the top ten in the world.

Above: Leaders of the Namatala recovery group.

Below: An outpatient clinic in Mooni we are using start a new recovery group. Painted using a highlighter, it really pops.

Above and below: These barrels of fermenting product are seen scattered all about the slum of Musoto, one of the heaviest drinking areas around Mbale. The smell is nauseating, and the waste product from the brewing process is dumped in pits.

This mini-documentary by VICE News [ https://youtu.be/zL3UHF5SlEU ] isn’t perfect for a variety of reasons. Some of the cultural aspects are dissimilar to my experience, but it does give some background and provides visuals on Uganda’s home-brewed alcohol problem. Check it out!

We left so much in Mbale - friends from the Ugandan and expat communities who supported us through difficult times and an organization that we loved working with. One night, as I was going to bed, staying in our old house in Wesley’s room, the thought came to me that God was watching us as we painted this room. As we spent our first of, what we expected to be, several years in Mbale, settling in and preparing a place to call home, he walked with us knowing that it wasn’t going to be our home for long. He knew the tragedy and the difficult road we’d have to walk. It’s tough to grieve this loss, and I often feel angry at God for what has happened; but I do have hope that he is redeeming this loss, that our preparation and dedication to his work, even our time spent painting the walls, wasn’t a waste.

Thanks for following and supporting us throughout this time. I’m hopeful to return to Mbale for another similar trip Spring 2017.

With gratitude,

Matt

Above: My last day was spent celebrating the marriage of one of my best Ugandan friends, Mathew, to his lovely bride, Esther. My tie is a little crooked after 7 hours of festivities.

Below: Titus, sitting in his office in the psychiatric ward like a boss. He is the counseling psychologist who is helping manage the JENGA mental health project. So glad to have linked up with this guy!

when you glance up at the clock and it's the exact time your entire world changed 9 months ago. #January22 #benjaminjosiahbubalo #loveyouforever | This is grace, this is grace When we walk through the dark night This is grace, this is grace So we wait for the sunrise How I long for the sunrise

#benjaminjosiahbubalo #january22 #loveyouforever

We love you forever, Benjamin Josiah + Josie Grace, and so wish you were in our arms.

Sorrow on sorrow, I’m waiting Heavy I’m anticipating Trusting the current, will carry me.

You are my strength You are my song You are my salvation You hold it all together You hold it all together

We come with great expectations, and fears in our hearts Send us Your light, as we’re making our way through the dark | All Sons & Daughters

#bubalobros #weremember #october15

#bubalobros #october15 #weremember

Found these two fragile, storm blown beauties on the fence today, I know who they're from #glimpsesofglory #sweetlyloved #benjaminjosiah #josiegrace #Lordhastetheday #beautyandbrokeness

#benjaminjosiah #beautyandbrokeness #josiegrace #glimpsesofglory #sweetlyloved #lordhastetheday

Two weeks ago, on August 31, we received some anticipated news, another baby on the way. A year to the day that Benjamin was first with us. Woah. Hope instantly mixed with fear, as the journey ahead began to sink in.

These fragile yellow flowers were in full bloom that morning, in place of the blue morning glory occasionally on our back fence. A sweet visual of new life. Fragile felt appropriate. This new baby-- with us for however long we may get him or her.

The boys seemed to sense it too. Without knowing about the baby yet, they were frequently saying things out of the blue like "the new baby can use this" and "when the new baby is here..." I smiled through tears, missing Benjamin, grateful for this baby, terrified to be walking another pregnancy with innocence lost.

Days after we found out I was pregnant, the boys were sick with high fevers, so I had to jump in the fight quickly to protect myself and baby. The feeling of "fighting" for a baby again pulled my heart in so quickly. (Thankfully, though, my fevers were kept under control.)

To add depth to the "all in" I was already experiencing---I had constant gut feelings this baby was a girl. (I've always envisioned myself as a mom to all boys so this felt strange.) The night I had a fever, I slept fitfully, up and down a lot to check my temperature, and I had a name unexpectedly come to my mind--a girl name-- Josie. It felt just right. Since Benjamin, I had hoped to find a name for our next baby that would honor him in some way-- so Josie for Josiah. It was perfect. When I woke up that morning I looked up its meaning. "Jehovah increases. God will add." I wrote, God, you have increased so much in my life through Benjamin and in honor of him and in testimony to your faithfulness I want this baby to shine for You, carrying a name that speaks of these things. Increase Yourself in us and in the story You are writing. So, she got her name pretty instantly. Josie Grace. Our newest addition from the Lord.

How I wish this story of ours continued with joy for the now. I wish there wasn't more pain to share. I wish we could introduce this new baby to you in May, full of life, as we had begun to dream.

Unfortunately, we lost the baby on Labor Day. 18 days is all we were given. But oh man, this baby was wanted, and her worth was well known by the depth of love we've experienced through Owen, Wesley and Benjamin. And while I had hoped that God was using this baby to add to our family here, as He spoke through her name, I know He is adding to our family's legacy for eternity. Benjamin and Josie Grace are together, safe in the arms of their loving Father. I long for their embrace. For now, it feels like sorrow on sorrow, and I have lots of questions. My biggest fears coming to pass again? Why is this our story? Why is bitter continuing to be written deeply in it?

Jesus had the same question in the garden before He was called to the cross. "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will." (Matthew 26:39) God wrote the redemption of the world through the bitter cup of Jesus' death. But, He had the final victory in His resurrection, as He will have the victory in our story, whether or not we begin to see it here.

Even though my broken heart has just broken again and the pain of loss is fresh as ever, Paul's words in 2 Corinthians have never been more real. Please pray that we would be of good courage as we take up this cross of ours.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16

So much of this story is really personal, and I hope you know why I share it. This baby's life was real. As real as our three boys. We have two babies now waiting with Jesus. I don't hope for this, I know this in my core. These very deep wounds color our story here, as we walk an unexpected road. And living with grief is lonely. So, as much as I am able, I want to share these babies, who, while not physically present, are surely shaping my life in ways beyond my imagination. I know God will use their lives for His glory. Death and sickness were never a part of His plan, but being the loving Father He is, He won't let this be wasted, in fact He will make beauty from the ashes.

Sweet Josie Grace, we love you and long for you.

Baby 2 + Baby 4

Sometimes when the morning light is breaking through the trees or the leaves are glistening after a rain or the sun is dropping below the horizon or even when a storm is raging. I find myself drawn deeper. Looking harder, lingering, wanting to lean in-- to see the glory... a piece of what Benjamin sees now. Grab the glimpse and hold it tight no matter how faint. Noting beauty and power exuding from creation.. these reflections given of the much more in store. #Lordhastetheday #glimpsesofglory #bjb #missingnumber3

#missingnumber3 #lordhastetheday #glimpsesofglory #bjb

Hi everyone,

Many thanks to you for your continued prayers and support over the past two months that we have been in the USA, reacquainting with this lifestyle, all the while, deeply grieving Benjamin and trying to “get ourselves sorted” - shout out to our British friends for passing along the lingo.

Of course, we are appreciating the many things the West has to offer, while also missing our friends and aspects of the life we had in Uganda. I’ve never appreciated like I do now large refrigerators, a powerful microwave (not to mention consistent power), floors that don’t require daily cleaning, and the calm quiet of night. Laura enjoys being able to throw together a variety of good meals in seemingly no time, compared with the arduous and frustrating process of shopping and cooking in Uganda.

But there is also so much to be missed about life in Mbale, from the feeling of community that comes with so many drop-ins from friends and the continual presence of our house staff who became like family, to the feeling of always being outside, even when you’re inside. I miss going to work everyday and knowing that I was making a difference in such a unique way. What a blessing and honor it was to do that good work that God had for us.

Grief is a part of our lives now that doesn’t go away but continually changes, and if it weren’t for our faith I’m not sure how we would cope. Laura and I have walked different paths with our grief of Benjamin and Uganda, but our love for each other and our family has remained strong and we are hopeful for what God has for us.

My desire to stay connected to the work in Mbale is as strong as ever, and while I have not yet planned a specific trip, we are discussing it and hoping it can happen soon.

Logistics

Just to clarify where we are financially, we have used a good portion of your remaining donations over the past couple of months to try to get back to baseline and pay off our medical bills. We have not been able to as of yet, but the end is in sight. Thankfully I have been working full time with my previous employer in research since July, and have also begun to work at a mental health counseling private practice. We are thankful for the provision of both of these career opportunities, as it really could have been disastrous financially to return to the U.S. without employment based on our unexpected medical and travel expenses.

Our goal is to be able to put all future donations toward my trips to Uganda, as I provide support to the mental health project. At this point, some of the donations will go to our final medical bills, and the majority will go toward the project. If you want to continue giving to the project but are not sure how much to give, know that about $3000 per year will likely be needed for trips (assuming 2 round trip tickets and other costs while there). Any extra funds will go to JENGA to facilitate the work in mental health (psychologist salary, community training, drug and alcohol support groups, etc). Please feel free to reach out to me if you have specific questions about how the money is used, or how you wish to have your donations used.

Please note: Some of our supporters informed us that Chase changed their policy, and they could not longer make donations through that system without a Chase bank account. If you’re having this problem, the “support” tab on this website has info for making donations via checks— this method hasn't changed :) Sorry for any inconvenience.

Thanks for all you do, and have done, to support our family in all that came this past year and in this continued work abroad. Thank you for caring about those in Uganda, especially those with mental disorders and addictions who lack the level of treatment we expect to receive here in the U.S.

With love, Matt and Laura

My arms are empty, full, aching, and forever marked by the life of our sweet Benjamin, as hand in hand, we navigate life in ‘the now’ and 'the not yet.’

And while it’s heavily mixed with heartbreak, I am grateful to forever carry a tribute to you on my right wrist, Benjamin: “son of my right hand.”

It’s drawn by your mama… a “B” for Benjamin, a “J” for Josiah, an arrow, a heart (from my side view), it’s brothers together–two feathers, for Owen and Wesley, and the dot for Benjamin, it’s different shades of blue for my three boys, it’s my heart and my prayer, me and my boys together again. And it hurt a lot, not unlike I do everyday without you.

The arrow has come to hold a lot of significance. A precious symbol to me for Benjamin.

“You are the bows from which your children, as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.” -K. Gibran

And on May 23rd, Benjamin’s due date, I read the verses below in Isaiah, and while not originally written for me, God gave them to me that day about Benjamin.

“The LORD called me from the womb; from the body of my mother He named me… In the shadow of His hand He has concealed me; And He has also made me a select arrow, He has hidden me in His quiver. He said to me, “You are My Servant.. in whom I will show My glory. And now says the LORD, who formed me from the womb to be His Servant, He says, "It is too small a thing that you should be My Servant…I will also make you a light of the nations so that My salvation may reach to the end of the earth."” ‭‭ Isaiah‬ ‭49:1-3, 5-6‬ ‭

A select arrow, hidden in His quiver. What a privilege to be his Mama and partake in scripture that is alive and active. As his mama, I will always long for Benjamin in my arms now and wish his story and ours was different, but that doesn’t prevent me from standing in awe at the specific ways God is speaking to me, loving me and using Benjamin’s life. It’s so broken, but our good Father is showing us glimpses of glory. Praise God we know He will use our heartbreak for His good and make all things new, because without that, there would be no hope.

Benjamin. Oh buddy, for the warmth of you in my arms. Your warmth was fleeting when I did get to hold you close. I hated being aware of that; hated feeling you slipping away. You in my arms again is a desire that will pull hard on me, unfulfilled, for too long.

You’re so often on my mind; your pictures hang on our walls; you’re in our daily prayers and nighttime songs; your brothers know you and say your name often; your blanket always in our bed; your milk in the pearl around my neck. And the pain of missing you. It continues to be all around. Reminders in all forms. Seeing your face as I watch your brothers sleep, other new little ones who get to be in their mama’s arms now, all the milestones we pass with your brothers that we won’t see with you, questions of how many children we have, driving by the hospital and funeral home- the only places we ever held you. Each new day seems to bring up a variety of these painful reminders as we miss you with the deepest longing I’ve ever known. Even with confidence of a very real future with you, the bitter realities of your absence here are so hard to keep swallowing. Benjamin, you are so loved and so wanted and so missed. Baby boy, I love you forever. #Lordhastetheday #comeLordJesus #Hisarrow #missingbenjamin #6months #toolong #bubalobros #journeytogether

Spending time writing to my boy on this fifth 22nd since I last held him. No less heartbroken by the story we are daily living. However, sweetly hearing from God. HE is near; speaking to ME t.o.d.a.y through flowers from strangers and very specific words in a friend's letter #bjb #loveyouforever #Lordhastetheday (at Lake Lily)

#lordhastetheday #loveyouforever #bjb

morning light in FLORIDA #becauseofbenjamin #journeytogether

#journeytogether #becauseofbenjamin

These final moments are being engraved in our memory and on our tree, as we say goodbye to a place that became our home, dear friends who have become our family and places that hold our most happy times with Benjamin. Clinging to these words as we journey on "The Lord my God illumines my darkness." Psalm 18:28 #bubalosinuganda #becauseofbenjamin #raysoflight #raysofhope #Lordhastetheday

#raysofhope #lordhastetheday #bubalosinuganda #becauseofbenjamin #raysoflight

The End of a Season

Hello, from Uganda, the place we will call home for only two more weeks. Being back in Mbale has actually felt more like home than we ever expected, and we are feeling affirmed of our decision to return here as a family to end in the best way possible. It has been a time of grief over our loss, and as we continue to struggle and lament, we are also beginning to glimpse hope for the future.

Remembering Benjamin

Being in Uganda brings us back to the time we spent with our son - in Mbale, Kampala, and other places we visited during the time Laura carried him. When we first arrived in country, we passed through Kampala to revisit the familiar places where struggled for six weeks of his life. We went back to the house where we lived and visited those who knew us during that time. I had the chance to thank the young man who lived next door and helped me care for the boys. It was painful, but did provide some closure to return to the places that had become our temporary home.

On to Mbale, where we’ve reconnected with the many people who prayed and supported us during our time in Kampala and Florida. We’ve experienced the comfort of being home in our house, but it hasn’t been without the aching realization we are here without our third child. For the last six weeks we have taken lots of time to share our story with our friends here, and we are so thankful for their care and understanding.

May 23rd was Benjamin’s due date, and we remembered him by taking two days in Sipi Falls, a beautiful location in the mountains where we could step away for a bit to specifically remember our son and the loss that is changing our lives.

Onward

Knowing that we will be leaving, my mindset has completely changed about the work here. Previously, the goal was for me to establish a consistent presence in the hospital as a counselor, gradually building a mental health program that extended into the community. Realizing I could not stay in country full time, the most important step here has been to hire another counselor/psychologist to fill this role. Earlier this year, JENGA applied for a grant for this program, and it was awarded to us a few weeks ago. A significant portion of the grant will now go to hiring a man named Titus, with whom I have been working for the past year. Titus has been a part-time volunteer psychologist in the psychiatric unit since 2012, who travels from a nearby city. Because of the distance and lack of pay, he could not dedicate a significant portion of his time; however, he did maintain an occasional presence there since 2012, hoping the hospital would consider employing a psychologist, and his patience has now been rewarded. Like myself, he has a master’s degree in mental health counseling, and will now be one of very few psychologists in Uganda with full time work. I’m so thankful for his partnership and faithful persistence.

Grant money will also be used to facilitate the drug and alcohol recovery groups in Mbale. Right now, it is the only option people have to receive treatment for addictions in the area, aside from going to the psychiatric hospital (which is not a proper rehab facility). We have been using the AA model as a basic framework, and adjusting aspects of it to be more culturally appropriate (such as simplifying and shortening the twelve steps to appeal to those who are illiterate). In the next year, we plan to establish at least seven groups in Mbale, targeting several slum areas where alcohol is widely home-brewed.

Not My Will, But Yours Be Done

Of course, the term “sustainable development” refers to programs that can continue for long periods of time. In most cases, that means they must be fully operated by people who plan to live in that location. While taking myself out of the equation at this stage in the game was never my plan, perhaps allowing Ugandans to manage this project from this point onward will avoid an over-reliance on me. It’s very easy for people from Western developed nations to try to be the answer to everything in this context. Being in America, serving in a consultancy role, I will be removed enough from the project that it won’t possibly be able to depend on me. The ultimate goal has always been to empower Ugandans to serve and develop their own communities. Praise God we are seeing this happen.

Each day I continually grieve the loss of living here full time. It’s humbling to walk away from this and say “It didn’t work out as I had planned.” At the same time, it’s confirming of our calling to realize that this program in Mbale wouldn’t exist if we hadn’t responded faithfully to God when we felt compelled to go. In all of this, we can see that God is still on the move, and our story in Uganda is not yet finished.

Your Prayers and Partnership

You’ve helped us in many ways since we moved to Uganda one year ago. Thank you! We ask that you continuing praying for our family’s transition, this JENGA mental health project, the people of Mbale, and our hearts as we carry Benjamin with us there in this new season on life. We would be grateful if you feel compelled to continue supporting this work financially. Your donations would go toward my occasional flights back to Mbale, the project itself (there are plans to expand in a variety of ways), and the current needs of helping our family with resettling costs as we return to Florida. While these next steps mark many new beginnings - with hope on the horizon - it generally feels so hard to launch into this new and unexpected time of life. We begin the journey back to the USA on June 9th and would appreciate prayers for our travels as well as our hearts in these days ahead.

Thanks for standing with us!

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