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If it makes you feel any better, the man I'm going to marry didn't know how to preheat an oven until last week and something inside of me broke. He had to comfort me while I was crying on the floor, reassuring me that he was going to be a good husband still.

Katie R. (on Kathleen’s date not know how to cook spaghetti)

Summer is nothing but a window into pre-menopausal life.

Jakayla

Raising them up right

Dr. Huffman: Betty, would you rather Mom be at work or be at home with you?

Daughter: I want you at work so you can be a doctor and help people feel better.

No egrets

Cynthia: I wish I could fly like a bird.

Me: They have those jet packs now.

Cynthia: It's not the same...I want people to know I pooped on them.

Like owner, like furnishings

Me: This was the fastest moving party ever. And your furniture is so light!

Shea: That's what happens when you're a light person and can only have light furniture.

I don't have time for drama. Gossip? I ALWAYS have time.

Laura

First world problems (part 2)

-moving my computer outdoors to study because Panera got too cold-

Me: Oh, the glare!

Marissa: I know, for a second, I only saw myself. Maybe I'll turn up the brightness.

Me: But you also have to preserve your battery life.

Marissa: THE STRUGGLE.

Mirjana was telling me that in Dr. Hills' class today, he called her MARIJUANA.

Laura

Let me show you a video of my boxing coach from Philadelphia...if I can remember which icon is Instagram.

Cynthia

Steep learning curve

-driving up to her Laura's first workout at Rose Park-

Me: What do you think of this hill?

Laura: It's pretty!

Me: Well, we'll be running up and down on it!

Laura: ...OH MY GOD.

Compost art

-Serena puts a fruit peel into a bowl-

Me: Ooh, what plant is in there? A succulent?

Serena: ...That's the top of a pineapple.

Unrealistic expectations

-staying at an Airbnb-

Laura: I need to grab my charger from your car.

Me: The passcode is 96430 to get back in—don't forget it!

Laura: If I don't come back in an hour, you know what happened.

-returns in a few minutes-

Me: Omg, you remembered the code!

Laura: I left the door open...you know it's ME we're talking about.

According to Urban Dictionary

Jenny: I'm really competitive when it comes to games. I'm not a sore loser, but when I lose, I don't think it's fun anymore.

Me: Um, that's the definition of a sore loser.

Logical (part 3)

-training at Rose Park-

Cynthia: Ugh, why are they here?

Me: You're annoyed that soccer players are playing soccer on the soccer field?

Cynthia: YES.

Me: Even though they're only taking up a third of the field?

Cynthia: YES.

Me: Even though it's an open and free public park?

Cynthia: YES—in a state I don't even pay property tax in!

Fall out

Me: Would you ever go bungee jumping?

Laura: Nooo. Also, couple jumping doesn't make it any better or feel any safer.

Dad for Dayz (part 15)

-hiking at Red River Gorge-

Dad: This should be one of the easier trails.

-reads trail sign-

Dad: Oh..."DANGEROUS CLIFFS."

Digs by Dev

-picking a coffee shop to study at-

Devon: I actually have something I have to do tomorrow, but I'm down next time!

Me: Laura thinks you're running a half-marathon today.

Devon: Why does she think that lol

Me: It's a perfect day to run in the rain🤷‍♀️

Devon: I did go running and I was completely wet in like, five minutes. Tell Laura the only running I did today was running away from her?

Laura: SUCH A BRAT.

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