I'm an optimist but only in a perfect world

"I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I'm afraid of." -Joss Whedon Eli Goldsworthy || Film Studies || Theatre Arts

[larmoyante]

I look at you, and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you.

Alexandra Bracken, Never Fade (via larmoyante)

[classicallyclare]

Clare’s cheeks were tinged pink, both from her tears and from each affectionate gesture Eli bestowed upon her. He felt like the sort of kindness and romance she’d been hoping for in a relationship. Drew, in comparison, had been settling. There was no way she could have seen that before but at this point, it was glaringly obvious. That knowledge stabbed at her gut any time she let herself dwell on it. The regret was nearly impossible to swallow, but Clare felt as though she was forced to live with it anyway. Nothing could get solved until Drew was home, for better or worse. At this point, she wasn’t sure which end of the spectrum she wanted their relationship to land on. Clare settled her fingertips on Eli’s jaw, gently grazing over it and soothing him just as much as she was herself. She couldn’t picture herself untangling from Eli’s arms for a long while, not when she felt so content there. “It’s really not okay.” she insisted weakly. Either way, she couldn’t do any better when it came to reassuring him. His next words brought her tears back to the surface, and this time she didn’t bother trying to shove them down. Wrapping her arms snuggly around his shoulders, Clare buried her head against Eli and nodded. “Okay.” she answered, knowing that anything else she could possibly reply with wouldn’t be enough.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Here now in the after, Eli was trying to reconcile the daydreams of kissing Clare to the real thing. It left him in a daze, so overwhelmed by what he was feeling that he could barely gather this thoughts. It was a wonder he’d been able to convey what he was feeling to Clare so clearly thus far. Eli would always lament over the fact that he and Clare hadn’t met sooner. In another world, they would’ve crossed paths in New York. Their instant chemistry would have been clear and they could’ve forged a relationship years ago, long before Drew came into the picture. As it were, they only met after Clare’s marriage and subsequent pregnancy. So many times Eli thought himself insane for pursuing this so greatly. But his heart had decided before he even realized what was happening. There was no going back and no matter how much he got hurt along this road, Eli couldn’t find it within himself to regret it or wish to change what was happening. He could and would never get over Clare. That much was evident given just how deeply rooted she was in his heart. Eli wasn’t capable of falling out of love with people. Once a person was there, they would always have a place. Eli’s body shivered under her touch, letting loose a soft breath. In these little gestures, she was healing him. It wasn’t okay, she was right, but Eli could learn to live with it. If this was the only way to have Clare in his life, he’d deal. Eli skimmed his fingertips up and down her spine, lightly swaying her in his arms. “We’re going to be just fine, no matter what.”

[classicallyclare]

While her lips might have been separated from Eli’s now, her hands were still clutching him tightly to her. She didn’t want to let go of him just yet, to return to reality where she had far too much going on. Surrounding the two of them in a bubble would have been ideal to Clare. Just her, Eli, and her quickly arriving baby. Drew was so distant that at this point, she was beginning to feel like a to-be single mother. Everything could change whenever her husband decided to return, but the bitterness she felt towards him wouldn’t be easily smoothed over. Clare felt abandoned and forgotten at a pivotal time in her life. Whatever feelings she had developed for Eli, she wasn’t guilty about them anymore. He was keeping her together when she so easily could have succumbed to stress. Each of his compliments brought a wide smile to Clare’s face, her eyes getting teary as he went on. Even though he cut himself off, she hoped that her suspicions as to what the phrase would have been were correct. They were certainly returned. Bringing a hand to her own face, Clare rubbed away the tears on her cheeks and let out a soft chuckle, her own sensitivity never failing to amaze her. “This is really bittersweet.” she whispered, leaning in to rest her head against Eli’s neck. “I swear that if everything stays the way it is, if I can bring myself to call it all off with him–” Clare cut off, burrowing in against him more. “If it all comes to an end, I want to be with you. I just wish I could promise it.”

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Eli was glad for the fact that Clare wanted to cling to this moment just as long as he did. A small part of him was fearful that she would come to her senses and shy away from it. But now the opposite was happening. By holding on even after their kiss, Eli felt content in knowing that they were truly in this together. Things were far from perfect but just knowing that Clare didn’t regret being close to him was all the reassurance he needed. In so many ways Clare was repairing him: mentally, physically, emotionally. For so long Eli was struggling to keep his head above water. With Clare, he felt invincible. The strength she gave him each day was incomparable. He wasn’t sure he could ever fully express that to her but he hoped the kiss would be enough to show her just how deeply he cared. He came close in admitting that he loved her. But Eli was a bit fearful that saying those particular words aloud would rock the boat that was already treading on dangerous waters. Seeing Clare become so emotional at his words broke his heart because he could see just how little she heard such things and just how much she needed to. If he had it his way, he’d spend days on end telling her how incredible he knew her to be. Eli sighed softly, his shoulders sinking as he stared back at her tearstained eyes. She took the words right out of his mouth. This experience could only be described as bittersweet. Getting to kiss Clare was phenomenal but there was still the matter of her husband that would be coming home soon. Where that relationship would go was still undetermined. For all he knew, Drew could come back a changed man and convince Clare to stay with him. That terrified Eli to his core but he couldn’t allow himself to think negatively. Eli stroked her hair as she spoke, kissing the crown of her head. “It’s okay that you can’t promise me it. Believe me, it’s enough just to know it’s a possibility,” he said. While he did wish they could be a guarantee, Eli just needed to know he stood a chance. “I’ll wait however long it takes. I just want you, Clare. No one else,” he vowed softly.

[classicallyclare]

Clare’s home had felt lonely lately, filled with her and only her the vast majority of the time. Occasionally family and friends flitted in and out, but she was usually the only person padding around the house in the middle of the night when she couldn’t sleep. There was one evening that Clare had asked Eli to stay over, and although it had been completely platonic, that was the safest and happiest she’d felt there in months. He embodied security in Clare’s eyes, a role that Drew should have been taking. The fact that Eli was reliable to a fault put her mind at ease no matter what the topic might have been. It only made since for her to have this deep of a connection with him now. Had it not been for the tricky situation, it would have been an ideal matchup. Even still, Clare had herself immersed neck-deep in denial, quite knowingly and deliberately. She found it amazing that Eli could find her even a little attractive when she was at her most pregnant, a mere week or so away from her due date. Absolutely everything about Clare’s body felt bloated but it was as if Eli hardly noticed. She shuddered and let out a shaky sigh while his hands meandered, soft sounds leaving her before she had a chance to quiet herself. As much as Clare knew she should have been keeping the kiss quick (if a kiss was going to transpire at all, which she knew it shouldn’t), she couldn’t bring herself to pull away. Her hands found Eli’s shoulders, her grip tightening significantly as he opened his mouth to her. Her tongue worked along Eli’s, her fingernails unintentionally digging into his arms. “You’re so…god,” Clare murmured, only breaking away from his lips to speak before returning again. Face flushed and feeling completely breathless, Clare had to withdraw to center herself again. “I can’t bring myself to feel guilty.” she admitted, keeping her gaze locked onto Eli’s. “I know that makes me awful, I know. I’ve just wanted to kiss you for a long time now.”

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

The months together with Clare had been leading up to this, perhaps starting as early as the very first day they met. Instantly Eli had been drawn to Clare. Back then, it wasn’t quite as apparent that he’d wind up falling in love with the woman. It was gradual but in hindsight, it felt as if it had hit him all at once. Eli’s feelings for Clare were all-encompassing, spreading to every area of his life. It seemed to him almost as if he rarely had a thought that didn’t relate to Clare. Even the most basic things like picking out a movie to watch and Eli would find himself wondering if Clare had seen it or if she’d like it. The fact of the matter was that Clare wasn’t available to him. Emotionally and mentally, yes, but otherwise, she was very much locked off. She was another man’s wife, pregnant with that guy’s son. Eli shouldn’t have factored in to that equation but he was a variable, a wild card thrown into the mix. He feared that meant complicating Clare’s life. For all the feelings he had for her, he never wanted Clare to feel like she had to make a choice just because of him. In an ideal world, Clare would have been single and the two kissing now wouldn’t come with red tape. But whatever the risk and possible fallout, Eli felt prepared to handle it. He was so far gone in loving her that he would get through anything that was lobbed at him. Perhaps it wasn’t smart or healthy, but Eli couldn’t find it within himself to refrain from getting close to Clare. The pull was far too strong and out of his control. All he could do was get sucked in and enjoy every second of the ride. There was fear in not knowing if or when it would come to an end, or how. Eli held on to the faith that eventually, he and Clare would be able to have a real relationship with one another wholeheartedly. Eli let out a low moan her tongue moved against his, liking how involved she was becoming as well. He whispered her name as he took a breath, glad she didn’t stop there and resumed. His lungs burned but he pushed through until he desperately needed a clean breath. His body still trembled slightly but he’d never felt stronger, peering back into her eyes. He touched her cheek with his fingertips. “You are not a bad person, you could never be. You’re amazing, and sweet, and beautiful. I’m so—,” he stopped short, afraid of saying too much by confessing the full extent of his feelings. “We both needed to know what it would be like. I’ll never regret this.”

[classicallyclare]

As guilty as Clare was trying to convince herself she felt, that emotion wasn’t a prevalent one at the moment. Thoughts of Drew were background noise, as if none of this would ever get back to him. A kiss wouldn’t be the worst of offenses in the great scheme of things. She was sure (though unfoundedly) that he’d committed that crime and far more. It gnawed at her to consider, bitterness filling her to the brim over something that she couldn’t even be one hundred percent sure was happening. But being in that place herself made it seem different. Eli mattered. He was supportive and kind, thoughtful in a way that Drew had never been, even at his best. Clare viewed Eli as a kindred spirit. That term could have been replaced with soul mate if only she let herself make such a bold decision inwardly. She trembled when his lips grazed her cheek, shaken up by a mere innocent peck. It only made her lean in closer to him, pressing more of herself against his sturdy frame. Her only thought was to enjoy the fleeting experience as Eli leaned in, carefully meeting his lips halfway. Kissing had become so mundane and routine between her and Drew, although it happened less and less as time wore on. The gesture almost lost meaning entirely. Being with Eli was anything but mundane, Clare felt as if she was grasping onto a piece of her life she’d almost had and still desperately wanted. Reaching for his cheek, Clare rested her hand on it as she tipped up a little more on her feet, gently growing more involved. This could haven been a simple kiss that only lasted a moment or two, but she knew she’d never be sated by so little. Still moving her lips over his softly, Clare reached her fingers to the nape of his neck and twisted them lightly around the short strands of hair.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

There would probably be a time after tonight where Eli would come to his senses and realize just how much he altered in one night. This kiss would have the potential to wreck a marriage and, subsequently, a marriage. It was only mere speculation that led him to believe that Clare’s husband was out cheating on Clare. Nothing was concrete; there wasn’t any legitimate evidence to prove this claim. It was simply a gut instinct Eli couldn’t shake. And he was more than willing now to use it as a means of justifying his actions. If Drew was in fact stepping out on his marriage to Clare while out on the road working, the sanctity of their marriage was already compromised. It was a weak argument at best but Eli was so far past the point of caring now. The only thing that would stop him was if Clare had any objections to the two of them kissing. It was apparent that she didn’t, what with her mirroring his thoughts and actions. They were both willing to throw caution to the wind now and there would be no turning back. Eli didn’t want to revert back anyhow. He was fully committed to the idea of getting close to Clare in this respect. They connected on every other level. It wasn’t any surprise that they were perfectly suited in this area as well. It’d been so long since Eli felt drawn to someone like this. It pained him to think about Julia, his first and only love—until this point. After her death, Eli was so certain his heart wasn’t capable of letting anyone in. There had been no accounting for a woman like Clare and Eli had never been happier to be incorrect in his life. Clare was an antidote and a source of light in his otherwise dark world. She still didn’t know just how much she had changed his life but that would be another talk for another day. Now all Eli could focus on was this moment with the woman who gave him hope. The feel of Clare’s small warm hand on his cheek made Eli’s skin grow hot. He met the pace of the kiss without hesitation, his mouth savoring every bit. Now that he had this taste, he could get enough. A chaste kiss wouldn’t be enough, he quickly realized. Eli sighed softly into her mouth as he fingers tangled in his hair. His hands gently roamed the small of her back and upwards, outlining her frame until his fingers also journeyed to her hair. He toyed lightly with the tresses, his index finger twirling a curl around before skimming along her jawline. He wanted to remember every detail about this. Tentatively he upped the ante a bit, daring to slip his tongue into her mouth, deepening the kiss further.

[classicallyclare]

Clare’s attention had wandered to multiple things about Eli since meeting him, but more subtle ones like what he smelled like, how his skin felt, there was no way for her to be sure. Now she had the answers to both, and having them almost made it more painful to resist making something of their closeness. Clare didn’t want to be the kind of wife who could cheat on her husband, even when said husband was probably doing the same himself. It was merely a bitter hunch, one she couldn’t prove. That didn’t make it okay for her to act on budding feelings for Eli, no matter how intense they were. At the same time, Clare knew that anyone in her shoes would have been dealing with the same conflicting feelings. She’d been given time to grow attached to someone else and when feelings were involved, a crush came about naturally. Shuddering at Eli’s touch, Clare fought to keep her wits about her no matter how much her mind was wandering. She swallowed at his confession, hating herself for how much she identified with it. Outside of her baby, Eli had become such a fixture in her life and she didn’t want to part with that. She smiled shyly before saying “Me too.” – a meager response for the intensity of her emotions. Tipping up, Clare pressed her cheek against Eli’s, reveling in the light feel of stubble there. This was the closest she could get to kissing him without actually doing it. Clare was torturing the two of them with the possibility, but she was a glutton for punishment when it came to him. “I want to. I really want to.” she whispered, knowing that Eli would understand what she meant.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

To think that after all this time Eli was finally gaining access to knowing what it felt like it was too surreal. He spent so much time of his time practically daydreaming about the woman it was boarding on ridiculous. Now he could see just how much his imagination didn’t do Clare full justice. He could hear his heart calling out to hers and was certain that he wasn’t wrong in saying that hers was doing the same to his. The full weight of what they were on the brink of was suffocating. This moment would decide the course of their relationship and see whether or not things would irreversibly change between them. Despite the voice in the back of his head that was telling him to stop now and back away from Clare, Eli remained in place. All of this was a bold move and Eli could only stand his ground and stay where he was. His conscience seemed to be taking a backseat now. He supposed later the guilt would overtake him but now the only thought on his mind was just how badly he wanted to kiss her. This would mean Clare truly cheating on her husband, with Eli as the accomplice. But Eli rationalized that Drew wasn’t a good person and this didn’t make Clare into a bad one. Chances were more than likely that Drew had been stepping out on their marriage this whole time. As Clare mirrored his sentiment, he felt a weight lifted off his chest. Cheek to cheek, he held her closer, rubbing her back softly, basking in warmth of her body. Everything about Clare made Eli feel at ease but now there was a distinct ache in his stomach as her words. He knew perfectly what she meant as it was the same thought racing through his mind. Without another word, Eli kissed her cheek lightly, testing her comfort. “Just this once,” he whispered, his lips moving over hers in a feather touch before catching. His hands shook slightly as he clutched her to him. Eli took his time in kissing her, not rushing this moment.

[classicallyclare]

As always, Clare was hard on herself when she botched just about anything in her life. Even the smallest of errors took a toll on her self-esteem and mood. Eli’s reassurance helped, but she still couldn’t help frowning at all the wasted effort she’d put into the dinner. “You’re the actual worst person in the world.” she grumbled to his offer, laughing a little under her breath. Feeling his hands on her shoulders, Clare tried to breathe in his comfort as best she could. Letting go of her self-reserve a little, Clare sighed and leaned into Eli’s arms, resting her head on his shoulder. “At least I know you’re not using me for my cooking prowess.” she joked, allowing herself to be at ease with Eli without badgering herself for the proximity. She could hardly remember the last time she’d been comforted or held this way. It had certainly been months, much to her dismay. “We should just eat junk food.” she mumbled, nuzzling her head in against the crook of his neck. “That’s honestly all I want lately, even if it’s making me blow up into a balloon.” Pulling away a bit–but not letting go of him just yet–Clare tipped her head up to see Eli. “I’ve never connected with someone as quickly as I’ve connected with you. I didn’t even think it was possible to feel that way instantly.”

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Eli didn’t want Clare to feel down and out about something that truly wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She was always perfect in his eyes, even when she made mistakes. And besides, Eli thought this would be a better memory, something they could look back on and laugh at. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking long term when it came to Clare. No matter how much he told himself that they were on borrowed time, thinking up what could be of their future was inevitable. Even if they could never truly be together, he wanted to be a part of her life. All his talk before about taking a back seat wasn’t something he was so confident he’d be able to stick to that in the long run. “I’m actually the best. I think you misspoke there but that’s alright. I’m here to correct you,” he countered knowingly. Eli knew that he was crossing the line in having this sort of contact with Clare but he didn’t feel in control of himself, as if someone else had taken control over his hands and feet. At best he thought Clare would stealthily move out of his touch. But here it was now that she was leaning into him. Eli’s instantly wrapped his arms around her frame. “You’ve got that right. Now I can hang this over your head if you give me grief about my cooking ever again.” As Clare nuzzled against his neck, Eli let loose a breath, his heart pounding in his chest at the motion. Eli was so starved for affection. To this degree, it was almost too much. “Pizza it is.” He looked down at her once she peered up, brushing her soft hair from her face. “Neither did I. I feel so much for you, maybe too much, Bells,” he said, skimming his fingertips down her cheek. “This is so much more than I ever thought could happen to a guy like me. You’re honestly the best part of my life.”

[classicallyclare]

Eli’s positive feedback only encouraged Clare more, grateful that she’d gone with her gut on the baby’s name. Her mother hadn’t been fond of it, and Alli said it reminded her too much of a character on Glee (Clare had never watched it, and didn’t plan to), but it felt right to her in comparison to every other name she had considered. Eli’s feedback meant more to her than the others she’d asked, though she felt that saying so might be too strong of a statement. Instead, she smiled gratefully, nodding her head. “I hope so. I don’t know, everyone probably worries that they might not make for good parents. I’m sure my anxiety is just that.” Clare wrung her hands together, forcing herself to relax her shoulders and drop her hands a few seconds later. Motherhood would pose a challenge, but she had faith that it was something she could handle. “His room is already so-” Clare began, but she was caught off at the smell of something burning. She turned to the stove and groaned as she opened the oven door. The food was burnt, so much so that it didn’t seem possible to salvage. She couldn’t remember if she’d set the timer, or if she’d entirely forgotten to in the midst of their conversation. “I’m so sorry,” Clare murmured, burying her face in her hands. “Maybe I have Mommy brain, or I’m just a dunce.” Huffing out a breath, she leaned against the counter while she looked at Eli. “I meant for this to go a lot better than it is so far.”

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Positive reinforcement was something Clare’s life was lacking and Eli was determined to pick up the slack for those that surrounded her. On top of having an unsupportive husband, Eli knew how suffocating her mother could be. Just by the look on her face, Eli would have bet anything that no one was in her corner backing her up on something as simple as her child’s name. Clare was such a good person and for the life of him, Eli couldn’t understand why she was being met with opposition so frequently. It made him want to be there even more for her, rooting for her continuously along the way. He wasn’t just saying these things to give her false hope. So far, he truly didn’t have any reasons to doubt that Clare knew what she was doing and that she would be a terrific mother. It seemed so innate, as if this was something she was destined to do. “Tell your anxiety to zip it because you’re going to nail this,” he said confidently. Eli was no stranger to anxiety and knew all about how mentally draining it could be. But, if nothing else, Eli didn’t have a single doubt in his mind that Clare would excel in motherhood. Eli’s nose twitched slightly, catching the all too familiar scent of burning food just as Clare stopped midsentence. Apparently he wasn’t the only one to realize the meal was currently burning inside the oven. He watched over Clare’s shoulder as she took the dish out, the charred odor filling the room. “It’s alright,” he said, waving off the apology. “We could always order something. I know all the best places in the city,” he laughed, coming closer to her. Eli put his hands on her shoulders and squeezed gently. “I’m still having a great time with you, Clare. Burnt pasta and all. And honestly? The food is the last thing I care about.”

[classicallyclare]

This domestic sort of situation could have been a reality for Clare if only she’d met Eli earlier. Their paths never crossed before that coincidental meeting at the store. Outside of then, she wasn’t sure they ever would have been around one another, let alone growing so close. “You’re hopeless.” she deadpanned, shaking her head disapprovingly. “You never grew out of that university student lifestyle. How do you consider yourself an adult?” Clare chided, smiling at him to let him know the teasing was all in good fun. Him being stunted in the kitchen only gave her the chance to spend time with him for dinner, something that she wasn’t about to complain about at all. She didn’t realize Eli was looking at her stomach until he spoke, her face lighting up when she heard the question. “Of course.” she answered, her chest growing warm at how sweet the gesture was. Clare could feel her little one kicking about here and there, and she wanted to believe it was because he knew Eli was there. Those thoughts should have been reserved for someone like Drew, but the unfortunate truth of the matter was that Drew hadn’t been there to touch or even see her growing belly in months. There was no way he could have felt their baby kick. “Evan’s going to be feisty, I know it already.” Clare grinned, realizing what she’d said a moment later. “I, um, I decided on a name for him.” Excitement was etched into her features, anxiously awaiting the day that she would go into labor. “Do you like it?”

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

If life had been good to the both of them, Eli believed that the two of them would have met in New York during university. To think that the two had been there at the same time and didn’t meet until years later when Clare was already so deeply involved with another guy was a tough pill to swallow. It was impossible to be around her and not think about how easily this could have been their kind of future, together as a couple rather than friends in an awkward situation. It wasn’t right and Eli knew that. All the same, he also knew that Clare wasn’t happy in her marriage. No one deserved that kind of stress, especially someone as incredible as Clare. Eli didn’t understand how her husband could possibly choose to miss out on such monumental moments with the woman he was supposed to love. While Eli was happy to be there for Clare, she deserved to have her husband beside her throughout this stage. Eli quirked a brow, giving her a deadpan expression of his own. “Who said I even considered myself an adult?” he countered before laughing. Clare was right to tease him. This was the one stage of adulthood that Eli simply couldn’t master no matter what. For the longest while Eli had wondered what it would be like to touch her stomach but was always afraid of crossing a line or making her uncomfortable. Now she was getting down to the wire in her pregnancy and this moment seemed as good as any to ask. Feeling her son kick was surreal. He’d felt Imogen’s stomach but this was different for the mere fact that it was Clare. Eli’s eyes brightened at the name, not missing for a moment that she had settled on one. “I think it’s perfect,” he replied, rubbing her stomach once more before letting his hand drop. “He’ll be a handful but I know how excited you are to meet him. I’m sure he’s going to adore the hell out of you.”

[classicallyclare]

Rolling her eyes at Eli, she knocked her elbow against his arm once he passed the colander to her. “Not after that smug comment.” she retorted, swiping it from his hands. Since the pasta was already cooked, she took the pot and dumped it in, letting the steam rise for a few seconds before she shook the excess water out. “When’s the last time you had real food? As in, something you didn’t have to order off a menu?” Clare inquired, returning the cooked pasta to the dish. She started in on the rest of the meal, eventually putting everything together into a pan and letting it bake in the oven. It would take about twenty or so minutes for it to come together, but she couldn’t say she minded having the time to kill with Eli. “I’m shocked that you’re not bloated, truthfully. But you’d still be handsome even if you were.” Only catching herself after she spoke, Clare smiled bashfully and busied herself with cleaning off the counter. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve been doing a lot of cooking for one. Or…two.” she corrected, giggling as she peered down to her baby bump. “But it’s nice having actual company.”

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Eli flashed a grin and wiggled his brows at Clare’s response. It was all too easy to get a rise out of her and he couldn’t help but to tease her a little. Their banter was something he’d grown quite attached to in the months that they’d come to know one another. He raised his hands in mock surrender before letting them fall at his side. His eyes remained glued on Clare as she flitted about the kitchen. She was so confident in her procedure for producing their meal. Eli doubted he’d ever feel that self-assured when it came to his culinary skills. They were nonexistent and he was far too much of a realist to expect a sudden change in that any time soon—or ever, for that matter. Eli mulled over her question, his head listing to one side. “Well, Fi and Imogen did have me over last week so…last Wednesday. But if you’re asking when’s the last time I actually made real food for myself, I’m afraid my memory can’t go that far back,” he mused. Eli dabbled in the bare minimum of cooking and even then, his food was hardly edible. Take-out food and microwavable meals had become such a fixture. His eyes brightened a bit at her slight slip up but Eli couldn’t say he minded her comment. To be attractive in Clare’s eyes was all he wanted, though he had no right. His eyes lingered on her stomach and Eli couldn’t resist stepping forward, his hand extended. “May I?” he asked before placing his hand on her belly. His smile was wide as he felt slight movement within her. “That’s insane,” he said after a moment. “I doubt I’ll ever be as fun as this little guy.”

[classicallyclare]

Clare’s cooking style had been dwindled down to one word as of late: slow. Given the size of her stomach, there wasn’t an alternative when it came to retrieving pans from the oven or moving from one spot in the kitchen to another. Still, she didn’t let the delay stop her from it, especially when given the opportunity to have Eli over for dinner. She’d invited him both because she was sick of him relying on fast food chains for nourishment, and because truly, any excuse was a good one to see him. Clare had decided earlier in the day that she was going to make something Italian. Her own appetite was still ridiculously present and she figured Eli wouldn’t mind piling in multiple helpings himself. Peering around for the collander, Clare pouted when she realized the one she wanted was on top of the cabinet; just high enough that she couldn’t tip herself up because of her belly. “Eli,” she called, sighing to herself before she spoke. “I need that and of course, I can’t grab it myself.”

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Finding himself at Clare’s house for the evening wasn’t at all surprising to Eli. Despite how many times his rational side told him that being so close to Clare was a dangerous thing, Eli couldn’t resist her offer. He was able to fool himself with the notion that this was simply a hang out between two friends. But Eli knew that their relationship wasn’t as platonic as he kept trying to convince himself. The two had made it clear that an attraction was present, beyond the mere physical. Having these emotions for a married pregnant woman went beyond anything Eli thought he was capable of. He hadn’t intended to fall for Clare and yet, even though he could acknowledge it was wrong, he still came close to crossing the line. Eli wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take but he was willing to push his own limits in order to remain in Clare’s company for as long as possible. Dinner would be harmless, or so Eli had repeated to himself over and over until he bought his own lie. He’d gotten so comfortable inside Clare’s house but as was the case at his own home, the kitchen made him unsure. He didn’t know what to do and was glad that Clare was letting him hide out in the living room. He started a bit as she called his name and instantly, he was on his feet and in the kitchen. Seeing Clare so stunted because of her belly was comical and endearing. He couldn’t help but to chuckle as he pulled down the colander for her. “Are you sure you won’t be needing my assistance for anything else, little one?” he mused, a playful smirk on his lips as he folded his arms against his chest.

[classicallyclare]

I don’t think it’s anywhere near as bad as a lot of people do. It’s not intentional and we’re not, you know, taking it farther in a way that would turn intentional. Keep calling me that, both because it’s sweet and because the very last thing I feel like right now is little. It’s extremely flattering. I think you and I can both be responsible enough to keep it at a minimum, or at least I hope. I was looking through some movies today and there’s a few I’ve been wanting to watch for nostalgia’s sake. Maybe you could come here and we could watch together? Complete with handholding, of course.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Not even remotely. All things considered, we’ve been very good with how we’re going about this. Exactly, we just talk which is harmless. I will because I like it and it’s accurate. You’re still tiny to me, beautiful pregnancy belly and all. I know we can. We’ve gotten this far so I’m sure we’ll be able to keep that going strong. I’m a movie buff so you can definitely count me in. Besides, any excuse to hang out with you is an opportunity I’ll gladly take. Handholding too? I wouldn’t miss it.

[classicallyclare]

It’s not like we’re…doing anything. Not really. Feelings are something we can’t control, they’re involuntary. That probably sounds like something that someone who was doing something wrong would say. Ugh, my ranting is out of control. It’s all the worse when I’m overwhelmed. And now that I’m on maternity leave, all I have is time to think and think and think, inevitably driving myself and everyone I love insane. Good, keep condoning my questionable behavior, you’re making me feel better. Would it be weird if I said that I was thinking about holding your hand earlier? For no reason at all? You weren’t even there, it just crossed my mind and then I couldn’t stop picturing it.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

No, we aren’t. It’s just...an emotional connection that we have. It’s not as if we set out for this to happen. I feed myself these lines all the time in the hopes that they’ll actually stick. I still feel bad but as you said, it’s not something we have control over. We couldn’t have anticipated something like this happening given our respective situations. You’re going to go mad if you keep worrying the way you do, little lady. You’re so damn cute, seriously. Um, no. Surprising, yes. Flattering, very much so. But not weird. I’d like to get closer to you too. Simply holding your hand would be enough. I’ve been afraid of giving myself too much leeway with you before I do something rash.

[classicallyclare]

We are. I wish I felt guilty like I did at the start, but truthfully, you make me too happy to berate myself for whatever I’m feeling. Goodness, Eli. You’re so sweet. No, not at all. It was surprising but in a very, very positive way. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been chomping at the bit for good conversation with an intriguing person, someone who didn’t mind my hormonal mood swings and tendency to rant. You were all that and more. I’ve been really scared about having this baby, just worrying something would go wrong during the pregnancy or that I won’t make for a good mother. You’ve been the only one to put my mind at ease with that. You don’t even know how much you mean to me. It’s completely inadvisable but logic doesn’t really factor in. Does that make me a bad person?

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

I’m constantly warring with myself. On one hand I feel so disgusted with myself for allowing things to get to this stage. But on the other hand, I’m just so glad to have you in my life that reason goes out the window for a little while. Sometimes it gets a little too easy to pretend that the odds aren’t stacked against us here. I’ve been without that too which is part of the reason why I gravitated towards you then, I realize now. I love how much you rant; it’s the cutest thing when you get going. It’s a relief to hear that. I don’t want you to ever stress over something that’s so innate. I’ll always be here cheering you on. No, you aren’t a bad person. Life is just cruel and hellbent on throwing obstacles in a person’s life. You’re too good to be bad.

[classicallyclare]

Saying this is probably only going to make things worse, but then again, they probably can’t get much worse so there’s no use in stopping myself. That day when I met you while I was buying the crib, I was in such a bad mood. I felt lonely and aggravated, and not being able to handle buying even the simplest of things had me at my wit’s end. But then I met you, and you’re this sweet, handsome, helpful guy, and it really turned my mood around. You’ve been doing that from the start. Take your time, I’m always going to be here to listen. Um, yeah, ha. I have. I’m a shameless Facerange stalker sometimes and you just happen to have pictures on yours, oopsies. Are you really? Goodness, you’re too much.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

It’s okay. I think we’re past the point of no return here. That day was one of the best ones I had in a while. It normally takes me time to click with people but with you, it was just so instant. I thought you were gorgeous and sweet and funny. Not to mention helpful. You totally saved me when it came to your gift suggestion. I was worried about coming on too strong by giving you my card but I’ll never regret the fact that I did. Day one was great and every day since then has only gotten better. That means more than I can say. I’ve been keeping a lot bottled up for some time now so it’s best I talk it out with someone, moreover, you. Ha, by all means, you’re more than welcome to stalk my account. Of course. You’ve got me under your spell.

[classicallyclare]

No, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I just feel bad that I can’t offer you more, be more for you. You’re nowhere near a basket case, regardless of how much you’ve endured. I can promise that you’re worrying for nothing, but I do understand. I’d accept you through anything. Even the craziest of scenarios, I’d understand. If you ever want to talk about it we can. But if not, that’s perfectly okay too. Whatever makes you feel most secure. I feel safe with you either way. I really don’t think that could change. God, you really make me feel better. Even looking at a picture of you or seeing you in person makes me feel lighter.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

It’s okay. It’s not as if you suddenly sprang the fact that you’re married on me. Literally from the very first day, I knew what this was and all it could ever be. It’s my own fault for falling for someone I can’t be with. Believe me, I am but it’s nice to know you’d be there regardless of what’s going on with me. One day, I promise. I’m just not sure how to find those words but I do want to let you in. You make me feel safe too. That’s not easy for me to come by so I really appreciate it and love that about you. You look at my pictures? Huh. Didn’t know I had a fan. Kidding. Totally kidding. If we’re not together, I’m always looking at yours. Then again you’re ridiculously beautiful so it’s pretty much mandatory.

[classicallyclare]

I know, I can see it in your expression a lot of the time. Just, I truthfully think you deserve better than me, even if I was single. I’m on the cusp of having a baby and I’m quick to get stressed out. I’m worried that if you spent more time with me, you’d find a lot of things to dislike, or things about my life that just don’t fit well into yours. There’s a lot of things I’d like to say but I don’t want to give you false hope in case nothing comes of them, but just know that what you’re feeling, it’s mutual.

[thecaptaincurfew-blog]

Really? Sorry about that. Here I was thinking I’ve been doing a good job of hiding it. I think it’s the other way around. You’d deserve a hell of a lot more than a basket case like me. Bouts of stress here and there is normal. There’s a lot you don’t know about me. I know you wouldn’t judge but I don’t want anything to change between us, especially the way you see me. If I opened up, I could easily scare you off with the shit that goes on in my head. I don’t think there’s anything about you that I could dislike. I can respect that. You don’t have to say anything more.