words: 1.5k
warnings: modern au, angst after a fight with a resolution, established relationship, grovelling, abby says mean things but then she makes it all better. reader is clearly a self-insert with rejection sensitivity oops!
in which abby finds you alone and devastated after a heartbreaking argument.
tags [lmk if you want to be added/removed]: @hakandnsjoqmsn @abbyily @mamas-evil-hag @cherrybomber3000 @chraw @abbysburr1t0 @mewl3tte @loonetteslooneybin @lilredbird101 @wontilly @klmr0 @emma13759364 @coffeestainedbookpages
She doesnโt know if thereโs a way through it this time. You fight a lot, but never like this. She was venomous. So were you. She canโt even remember how it started โ you accused her of never having time for you, she accused you of needing too much. She got defensive, because she never feels like enough. You got your heart broken, because you always feel like too much.ย
It goes around like this constantly, and maybe sheโs tired. Tired of having to justify herself, tired of seeing you angry and sad, tired of pretending this is working.ย
Except then, when you leave and slam the door, it doesnโt take long for her to realise just how miserable and dark the apartment is without you in it. She doesnโt even know where you are, and in minutes, all she thinks about is what might happen to you in the state youโre in. Maybe youโre too teary eyed to safely cross the road, or maybe somebody sees you wandering alone, vulnerable, or maybe you get caught in the rain. She doesnโt remember you taking a jacket, and itโs freezing out.ย
Fuck.ย
The first time she calls you, she hears your phone vibrating upstairs.ย
Double fuck.
An hour later, sheโs called all of your friends and family. None of them have seen or heard from you. She wants to give you your space, but itโs getting dark, and sheโs terrified. Sheโd rather keep yelling than sit in this stifling silence, alone and trapped in worst-case imaginings.ย
She gives it another half an hour, just to be sure you donโt turn up, and then ends up taking off. She knows you enough to check a couple of local haunts: the dive bar down the road, the pizzeria opposite, even the damn library. Every empty space feels like another tear in her heart, until sheโs cold and damp and lost. She wanders then. A lot. Up and down the street you live, around the block, in and out of the same stores she knows you love until they close up for the night. Neon lights reflect in puddles, cars leave splashes on her clothes as they pass by, and sheโs replaying the fight over and over.ย
"Youโre never here. You never treat me like the priority!"
"Because I have more important shit to do!"
She was so, so fucking cold. She doesnโt know why. She gets like that when sheโs under attack; can never just sit and listen and say โIโm sorry, baby. Iโll do better.โ
She is sorry now. She wants to do better.ย
Sheโs worried itโs a little too late.ย
You hate how sensitive you are. How easy it is for Abby to break you. You hate that, when everything crumbles, thereโs nowhere you can go to really feel loved. Her arms are the safest place you know, and without them, you roam aimlessly. A ghost passing between streetlights.ย
When your feet get too numb to keep walking, you sit on the park bench, pressing your palms into your eyes and letting out the sob youโve been fighting for hours. You donโt want this to be over, but it feels over. Worse, it feels like she wants it to be. You pushed her too far, asked for too much, and sheโs done. If you go home now, youโre certain sheโll confirm it, and youโre justโฆ not ready. Youโd rather stay here in purgatory, icy and shuddering, then face the end.ย
People pass by you, most of them barely glancing, a few casting you sympathetic looks. The rain gets louder. Wind rustles through the trees surrounding you. The world keeps turning, and you watch and watch and watch. Dog walkers, kids out past their curfew, late commuters. They all have somewhere to be. They probably have somebody waiting for them to get home.
You donโt.ย
You pull your knees to your chest, gasping through tears at the thought that she probably doesnโt love you anymore. How could she?
"I canโt keep doing this with you. If youโre so unhappy, why not just end it?"
"Is that what you want?"
Sheโd paused, so stony, so unreadable, and it had been answer enough.ย
Footsteps approach. You expect them to belong to a heavy-footed runner until they stop right by your bench, heavy breaths following. A shiver crawls down your spine, because you know. Youโd always know.ย
You turn, and there she stands, hands on her thighs as she catches her breath. Sheโs still in her workout clothes, only she at least had the good sense to put on a hoodie and raincoat, unlike you. She looksโฆ relieved. You donโt know why.ย
โI fuckingโฆโ Her throat bobs, voice cracks, and she glances up at the black sky. When she speaks again, those sharp edges of her voice have been filed down to something softer. โIโve been looking all over for you. You scared me to death.โ
There is nothing you can say, or at least, nothing you want to say. You hate how vulnerable you feel, how broken, and she made it clear that she doesnโt want to pick up the pieces this time. So you fold your arms over your chest in an effort to protect yourself, staring out at the grass.ย
Abby sighs, lids fluttering shut. She tugs off her raincoat and drapes it around your shoulders. Itโs heavy and smells like her, like the soap you share and the detergent you chose and the dinner you ate: pine, vanilla, sweat, and spice. Home.ย
Your head bows, teeth sinking into your quivering lower lip. So fucking weak.ย
"Stop fucking crying. I canโt have this conversation with you when youโre crying like that."
โYouโre drenched, baby,โ she whispers, brushing your hair from your eyes. โCome home. Please. Weโll fix it.โ
โDo you want to fix it?โ
She blinks as though surprised youโd even have to ask. Like those barbed words earlier changed nothing.
Like she still loves you.ย
โOf course I want to fix it.โ
โI donโt think you do. I think you want this to be over. And maybe it is.โ
A vehement shake of her head. Her eyes are bloodshot, baby hairs pasted to her forehead. โNo. No, baby. All I want is for you to come home.โ She takes your hand desperately. โWe both said shit we didnโt mean. It shouldnโt have gone that far. I shouldnโt haveโฆโ Her face contorts with something like regret. โPlease. Please, let me take you home.โ
Thereโs nothing you can say, mind tangled and incoherent. So when she coaxes you off the bench, you let her. She wraps her arm around your shoulder, keeping you protected and close like she always has, but itโs tainted now.ย
At home, she grabs you a towel. When youโre still unable to move, speak, she sits you on the couch, stripping off the damp clothes and drying you off before wrapping you in a thick blanket. Youโre crying. You canโt stop. She probably fucking hates you for it.ย
Except she kneels in front of you, rubbing warmth into your arms, eyes stuck on you and filled with concern.ย
โIโm sorry,โ she says. โYou were right. Iโm not making enough time for us. I justโฆ I get so focused on work, I just canโt see past it sometimes.โ
You dip your chin to your chest, hiding yourself behind the blanket. She shuffles closer, waiting patiently as you try to fight more tears. โYou make me feel like a burden for wanting you around. I donโt thinkโฆ I donโt think it should be that way. I think maybe I make your life heavier instead of lighter.โ
โNo.โ She searches for your hand beneath the blanket, fingers intertwining. โNo, baby. Thatโs not true. The heaviest Iโve ever felt was sitting on this couch after you left, wondering whether youโd come back. Wondering if I ruined everything. If I broke us. If Iโm so fucking incapable of relationships that I donโt get to keep you. It terrified me.โ
Again, youโre speechless, trying to comprehend this new reality where she doesnโt hate you, doesnโt want you gone. Itโs so much easier to imagine itโs true,ย because youโve always felt, deep down, like maybe you arenโt supposed to be loved โ especially not by somebody as strong and capable and beautiful as Abby.
She tucks your hair behind your ears, cupping your jaw. โI love you. Iโm gonna do better, yeah? Weโre gonna be okay.โ
She treats you like youโre something fragile, and you feel it โ so you crumple, finally. โIโm sorry,โ you say, for the tears and for the fight and for never quite giving her what she needs.ย
โYou donโt need to be sorry,โ she promises, tugging you into her chest. โJust please donโt ever leave me like that again. Even if I say something stupid, even if you think itโs what I want.ย If you need space, take it, but donโtโฆ Donโt disappear on me.โ
โOkay.โ You sniffle into her shoulder. She cradles you like youโre something precious, tugging you so you straddle her on the ground, where she can hold you even tighter.ย
โAre you warming up? You want me to run you a bath?โ
You shake your head. โJust wanna stay like this for a little while.โ
โAs long as you want,โ she promises, pressing a kiss into your damp hair. โIโm not going anywhere.โ
hey girly just wanted to let you know old men aren't cool, smoking isn't cool, drinking underage isn't cool and ruining your health for an aesthetic is sooooo not cool, okay?
In which Ellie pushes herself back into your life just as quickly as she left.
CW: fluff | happy ending | fem!reader | modern au | 953 words
an: this might be bullshit but iโm just trying to write. practice makes perfect!
Grief is like glitter.
Well, you're about to walk into a 5 year old's art project. You haven't been able to do anything all day, mentally preparing yourself for the housewarming party. You already know she's going to be there; why wouldn't she be? Some part of you hopes she won't come, but you know if she's not there, you'll be thinking about her anyway.
The buzz of your phone vibrating against your vanity snaps you out of your planning. You rush over to your phone, sighing at the notification. It was your situationship that you're only really texting because you're bored. You feel bad leading her on, but you really need the attention at the moment. You really only belong to one person, and both of you know it.
โโโ
Ellie has already changed her flannel three times. It shouldn't be this hard, there's no one to impress. Except, there's you.
Hopefully, you won't look at her with as much disappointment you did the last time you were together. Maybe, you'll give her a warm but distant smile, or even mumble a hello when you walk by. Maybe.
Ellie finally decides on a simple grey flannel, fixing her collar and curating her silver necklaces into a disorderly fashion. She straightens her slim but loose-fitting jeans, takes one final look in the mirror, and then finally prepares to leave. Ellie slides on her extremely worn converse before grabbing her keys and heading out the door. The only thing she can think about is the pounding of her chest and the twisting of her stomach.
โโโ
The smell of incense being trampled by gamy cologne floods your nose, as you walk through the door. You barely have time to process your surroundings before your friend, Dina, nearly tramples you with a tight hug. "I'm so glad you made it," she exclaims, shaking you slightly in her hold. "Wouldn't miss it," you reply, though she knows you well enough to decipher you were being sarcastic.
She pushes you deeper inside, whipping you past the living room and into the kitchen. "I know you mostly came for the food, so dig in!" You laugh, but you don't have a chance to defend yourself before she scurries to greet the next guest.
It's only been 15 minutes, though it feels like it's already been an hour. You've spent most of that time on the couch anticipating Ellie's auburn hair to appear through the door everytime you hear it creak open. Cartoonishly, she walks through the door and her gaze meets yours, before she sheepishly snaps her head back towards Dina. You don't break your gaze, however.
It had only been three months since you've seen her, and it oddly gives you some sense of comfort that she looks the same. Perhaps, she had been stuck like you were.
Ellie was the perfect girlfriend, until she got into her own head, until she pushed you away, and finally left you, telling you it was what was best for you. She tried to convince you she was being brave, though she was only being a coward, leaving the relationship when it was too rawโ too vulnerable.
The evening went on antagonizingly slow, stupid board games and shallow conversations barely passing the time. You and Ellie would make eye contact every few minutes, though you two have yet to even wave to each other.
You take it upon yourself to take a tour of the apartment, peeking your head in every door, mentally criticizing certain decor choices you can only assume Dina's boyfriend, Jesse, made.
As you step back and close the door of their bathroom, your heart nearly jumps out of your chest at the sight of Ellie behind you. "You scared the shit out of me," you exhale. She rubs the back of her neck nervously, the tips of her ears red. "Sorry," she mumbles. You watch her, waiting for an explanation about her startling appearance.
"You look pretty," she blurts out, unsure of how to start a conversation. "Thank you," you mumble. "You look nice, too." You look away shyly. The two of you look like aloof high schoolers on their first date. She hasn't cursed me out, so she must not completely hate me, Ellie thinks.
She gathers the little courage the weed she smoked earlier gave her. "I miss you." You stare at her like a deer in headlights. Who the hell starts a conversation with that? "I know that it's random and you're probably still mad at me, but I just had to talk to you, even if you can't forgive me, I want to apologize," she rambles. "I thought pushing you away would be better, but I've never needed someone more."
"I missed you, too," you smile. Ellie's eyes light up giddily, though she attempts to act calm. She grins, face flushing like it so often does. "But this doesn't mean that everything's back to normal," you start. "We have to build back trust so thatโ" Ellie cuts you off with a kiss, warm hands cupping your face. You should resist, but you need her just as much, if not more.
You both giggle between kisses, Ellie scrambling to open the bathroom door behind you and leading you both in, lips never parting yours. Ellie pins you against the bathroom counter, deepening the kiss. You wrap your arms around her neck as you both move together in a natural rhythm.
Unfortunately, the moment doesn't last long when someone pounds against the door.
"Hey, lovebirds!" Dina yells. "I know you're in there," she says in a sing-songy voice.
Ellie pecks your lips a couple more times. "We'll finish this later," she laughs, still holding you close.
