There are nights where I lay in bed, staring at my ceiling, wondering why I do it. Why wait for someone who canāt be here with me when I need him? Why wait for someone to come back to me when heās the one thats constantly leaving? Why wait for a brief moment with him after so many months apart? Why wait for something that might never happen? Why wait for him at all?
Iāll admit, there have been times where Iāve totally lost it. There have been times where Iāve thrown things across the room and dented my walls. There have been times where Iāve screamed into pillows so no one could hear me. And times where Iāve gone and sobbed in the shower until I couldnāt breathe. If youāve done it, then Iāve done it too. If youāve thought it, then Iāve thought it too. If youāve felt it, then Iāve felt it too. Every single day I think, āWhat kind of relationship is this? Who has a relationship with someone they never get to spend time with? Who deals with this crap? I canāt plan a single damn thing without having to consult the the military first.ā
I mean, itās insane. right? My whole life revolves around skype, phone calls, and the promise of a future together. I donāt fall alseep next to him, I fall asleep with him on Skype. I donāt get to touch him, or hug him, or kiss him, nearly as much as Iād like toā¦ Or nearly as much as Iām entitled to. I find that I secretly resent girls who get to see their boyfriends or fiancĆ©s or husbands all the time - the line āI miss himā doesnāt mean anything to me when they say it. I feel like they never understand what missing someone is until their someone has been taken from them. So, when our someone has been taken away by the military, itās like we voluntarily rescind any rights to a life of normalcy for a love that is committed, first to country, and second, to us.
So, why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it not enough that our men are taken from us, shipped off to god-knows-where, and then returned to us only after their (and our) duty is done? Who, in their right mind, would want to deal with that?
Well, Iāll tell you who wants to deal with it:
I do. Your next door neighbor does. The cashier behind the counter does. The science teacher does. The stay-at-home mom does. The average college student does.
Any woman who loves him, wants to deal with it.
We do it because we love them. We do it because we are the strongest women on earth. We do it because one, single, solitary moment with them is worth a lifetime away from them. It doesnāt mean we have to do this with a smile plastered on our face, and (Lord knows) we certainly donāt most of the time. We do it because, for his love, weād do anything.
Honestly, most of the time, I hate it. It takes a pretty strong person to ignore the sting of tears, threatening to spill onto the canvas we call our faceā¦ The smallest thing can bring tears to my eyes: a song, a smell, a word, a place. anything and everything can make me tear up. Pretending to be happy is like an Olympic sport for those of us who are in love with someone who serves; their duty is to their country, while our duty is to love them. Despite all the pain we endure, it is truly an honor to love a man like that.
I fall among the silent ranks of those who love someone in the military. I live, love, and suffer in silence, with thousands of others who are waiting just as patiently as I am. We cling to moments, few and far between, because they are the promise of something more. We yearn for the phone calls, the text messages, the emails, because they remind us who were waiting for. We donāt measure time in days, or weeks, or monthsā¦ We measure time from when he left, to when heās going to return. Weāve learned that long stretches of time without them is worth the minuscule amount of time we get to spend with them; ātime is of the essenceā, is our motto for life.
So, when you ask why we do it, remember, we also ask ourselves why we do it. We ask ourselves every single day why we deal with this loneliness, this pain, this stupid thing we call loveā¦ And every time we remind ourselves: because one day heāll come home to me.
After all, if it was easy, it wouldnāt be worth it.
germansingergirl
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