first thought: i think i hate men.
amongst all of the serious movements that erupted in early 2018 there was one that always bothered me whenever it showed up on my timeline: the hashtag “men are trash”. i was always taken aback by it, even if i knew that it was either a troll or not directed at me (which, already is toxic, because who am i to think that i’m the only person in this world who isn’t “trash” in some way?). up until recently i always thought this was a new way for the feminists to bash men instead of dealing w/ more urgent issues. one time on twitter i saw a homosexual gentleman standing in front of a huge pile of garbage w/ the caption, “a photo of me and a bunch of men.” again, obviously a silly troll, but i took the bait & the shit continued to fuck w/ me. why do i give a fuck so much? even if i am trash...so? you are too, in a way. we’ve all done things that are trash in our lifetime, otherwise there would be nothing to grow or mature from. i look back at old photos of me from high school & it instantly brings back memories of me desperately trying to sag my pants in a way that the administrators or my grandmother wouldn’t notice, spraying a mountain of axe on in the morning even if i didn’t shower because i wanted to smell more “manly”, wearing my hat to the back no matter what because that was how all the rappers did it, wearing two watches for literally no reason at all...i vomit just thinking about how hard i was trying to be something i wasn’t. that’s trash, isn’t it?Â
remember the day you woke up & decided to be yourself? you probably don’t, because if the decision was conscious then you’re probably an entirely different kind of trash than the type i’m addressing here- seek therapy. for the entirety of my twenties i’ve always tried to go against the normalcy of things; my taste in music, my fashion sense (or lack thereof), my speech, etc. i don’t want to be like you. i’m sure that people are going to always compare me to others because that’s the only way humans interact w/ new humans. if someone says, “yo, have you met my friend? he reminds me of so-and-so”, depending on how you view so-and-so, you might be inclined to meet them & strike up a conversation. i’ve always given way too much of a fuck about how i’m looked at in the public eye, which is why, till this day, i don’t do anything drastic to my body like getting a face tattoo or wearing knock-off sneaker brands (yes, to me that’s drastic), or getting a fucking android. for Christ’s sake, if the shit can call, text & work instagram i shouldn’t really care, right? i don’t even like taking pictures of myself on my phone.
let me get to my point. i was in a group chat w/ some gentlemen, most of which i had went to high school w/ & had shared at least 7 words or more w/ in my lifetime. the situation that happened is petty so i won’t speak on it, mostly because nobody but the people in that group chat are gonna care anyway. whatever happened happened, & i immediately got the fuck out of there. it was the first time i had ever seriously referred to anything as “toxic”. now of course, if the gentlemen were to ever read this, they would automatically assume it was because i was mad or my feelings were hurt, which is not only untrue but ironically toxic. i thought not about the situation itself, but why i felt the way i felt about the situation clear into 9am the following morning during my morning routine, which nowadays is sitting on the toilet and playing tetris. the thought zoomed into my head & i looked up and stared at the wall in silence as my blocks stacked on top of each other messily: “yo...i think i hate men.” the shit sounded wild nuts in my head so i immediately texted a close (male) friend of mine to make sure i just wasn’t overthinking things. after a long talk w/ him & some other people who are near & dear to me, i was given some clarity & i DEFINITELY had overthought it.
i was introduced to the idea that i might actually just hate non-creative people, but non-creative MEN specifically. it makes more sense in the grand scheme of things, considering how close-knit my friend group is, & how i’m always hesitant to even SPEAK to new people. honestly, if i could only ever converse w/ people who are in the business of creating, my life would be a lot more enjoyable. i HATE going to my 9-5 & staring these uncultured ass white people in the face whom i know have never worked hard for a thing in their lives, but are dropping more money on the services i provide them in two weeks than i make in an entire month. i never wanna know how your day is going, go the fuck away. i then think about how even the WOMEN i associate w/ are creative. a lot of you lame ass niggas (you know who you are) will kick it w/ any girl as long as she fucking. i’m 25 years old, my nigga. sex is a thing that’s happened to me time & time again- i require more now. if she ain’t talkin about shit i’m not even entertaining it. the craziest thing is that i’m called weird for thinking like that, as if wanting to actually enjoy the people i hang around is a crime. shit has me confused.
as corny as the shit sounds, my life requires color. the world is much more than black and white & that nondescript grey area in the middle. i’ve walked away from the idea of me hating men, but i do genuinely hate ANYONE regardless of gender who doesn’t add value. i was also told that i have an elitist attitude, which further pushes my distaste for non-creatives, seeing as it takes a lot to impress me. can’t just throw paint at a wall & call it art, my nigga. you gotta show me something else. idk if any of this shit made sense, it was just a thought.