When I was young, being so innocent and naive, I thought getting married meant finding the man I love who loves me back. Someone who is always happy to be with me and would probably die without me. Someone who would be proud to live the rest of his life with me, as his wife, his best friend, his partner. Of course I didn't think it was possible for me to find a man like that. See even when I was little, I knew I am ugly. Not because I have a condition or injury or anything like that...I mean it would have been better if I did at least that would offer some explanation and people would at least understand. But sadly, I was just born ugly and I didn't outgrow it. As a teenager though, I had suitors. I had no idea how they found me remotely attractive but I realized...there's hope. Maybe some guys could actually look past the physical appearance and fall in love with me as a person! Yeah I know, long shot but it gave me hope. I had several non-serious relationships during my high school and college years. I guess like those ex-boyfriends I've had, they were also testing to see what it was like to be in a relationship. I met my future husband in college. He's probably the smartest man I know. He's never had a girlfriend so I knew I was just a guinea pig. He never showed me he loves me. He was just obviously interested in having sex. I loved him though....with all my heart. I cried everyday because I knew how he felt about me and I could never get him to love me back. Long story short, I ended up getting pregnant and since he didn't really have any other choice and he thought it wasn't really a terrible idea, he asked me to marry him. I thought it was such a huge blessing and surprise - this ugly girl was asked by the love of her life to marry him! I thought I hit the jackpot! Fast forward 17 years later, we now have 5 kids. Am I happy? No. Do I regret marrying him? Absolutely. No, he has never been unfaithful, at least I've never caught him. He is still very much interested in having sex with me everyday. A lot of women would probably think I am lucky and actually my husband says that all the time. He makes sure to point it out as often as he can, how I should be grateful that he still wants to have sex with me. I am a stay-at-home mom... I have been since 2001. And since I do not earn anything, my husband makes all the decisions about everything. EVERYTHING. Which furniture to buy, where to eat, where to go - small things, big things. In 2008, he bought our first house and he told me I am not allowed to say anything, give opinions or suggestions regarding the house, that my role is just to live there. You know that pain that you feel that goes through your entire body starting from your head and it slowly goes down to your feet? A pain so intense, you really feel it on your skin and muscles and it makes you want to throw up? My husband's words give me that kind of pain. We fight often. He curses a lot. He curses the children, me, situations, inanimate objects. Expletives don't really affect me that much..I don't mind them because I am now used to them. I used to think I am not of average intellect. I used to be a voracious reader. And back in the day, I always tried to improve myself so my weaknesses won't show. Nowadays I just feel plain stupid all the time. Stupid and worthless. Like I have nothing to contribute. And even if I do, no one really cares about my input. Unless of course it's money...which I don't have and have no means of earning. My husband and I recently fought over something..it was about his mom. I thought for sure he said before his mom has cancer and no one can really do anything about that because she is old and it is not uncommon. I thought he was downplaying it because he didn't want to talk about it. He gets depressed easily when it comes to sicknesses. So naturally I didn't ask about it anymore until I brought it up the other day. And he denied saying his mom has cancer...which I thought was so weird because I know what I heard. So he went on to tell me he talks to a lot of people everyday at work, while I barely talk to anyone all day everyday so this is why it's difficult to talk to me or believe anything I say because I don't get any practice talking to other people. That pain again. Unbearable. It's been 2 days now and I've lost interest in talking to anyone. I kept thinking why bother? I am so useless and difficult to talk to, might as well keep my mouth shut and stay at home where no one else can see me or talk to me. I kept thinking, I will never feel the love I have so selflessly given. I will never feel like I am indispensable or irreplaceable...no one will ever look at me and feel so much love in their heart. I wish there's someone to talk to about this. Someone to give me good advice, make me realize my mistakes or just act as my shock-absorber. But there really is no one. And besides, my problems are probably embarrassing compared to real problems out there. So I am just going to pray to God for enlightenment and liberation, and listen to music..they usually soothe my soul even if the pain continues to throb in my body.
theartofmadeline
amandla
titsay
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
vaporwave
