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The sunlight that shone into my eyes

I could never imagine that I will ever have the chance to experience this total freedom in my life, from my heart and on my mind. And here I am.

You did it Lee Lee.

I feel peaceful.

cyanide-chicken

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To my friend that committed suicide

It was still a fresh memory. I was on my regular routine on Facebook, checking unrelated post on my feed when I stopped for a condolence post from my ex-colleague. At first I thought it was for a celebrity or her elder relatives, until I saw the name whom she tagged in the post. The name looked really familiar but I couldn’t recall instantly, because it was for a friend that I have left out from my live.

My immediate reaction was to check the fact with our common friends and inform our other common friends, then make a dedicated post for you, I tried to keep it light-hearted because from my memory, I’d think you would much preferred so.

But there is this feeling inside me that I have never talk about.

I didn’t talk about it because I don’t want to make it about me and I feared to get consolations saying that it’s not my fault and everything. Because for once, I really wish that this is my fault, it was because of something I did not accomplished or have not done enough.

I remembered the moment when I headed to your Instagram and saw the line in your bio. I was shocked and angry at the same time. Shocked because of how obviously suicidal it is and angry because I didn’t know when you’ve changed it. Has it always been there? Or have you change it the night before? Hours before? Seconds before? If anyone could have saw this, would it still be too late to stop you? Or the terrifying thing is that you’ve changed it days before because you’re hoping to get some help but knowing that no one will care enough to see it.

I have heard of many suicide incident in my life, and there was an absurd thought in me that I might have the power to stop it if I could just talk to them. Because I used to have the same thought. Now it is clear that I have never been on the train and it is extremely stupid and arrogant of me to think of that, to think that suicidal is solvable.

It is not, it will always be a delaying process to see who wins at the end.

And for many moments in my life where I encountered a similar situation, I found myself either too scared or too arrogant to get sentimental and talk to them.

To you, I know this is too late, but I want to let you know that I am sorry for leaving you out in my life even though you have been a very supportive friend to me, sorry for not catching up with you earlier, sorry for thinking that you’ll always be fine and find your way out because you’re such a cheerful person even though I can tell that you’ve been struggling, sorry for not being more supportive, sorry for not being an option when you really need someone to talk to, sorry for not being a good friend. Even if I am not an important friend to you, I’d still want to let you know that I am sorry not being there when you needed friend the most.

Thank you for being my friend.

3/12/19

#suicide #friend

The just perfect library in Cooper Plain

Day 8: 4th February 2020

I went to this library that I saw on the roadside, and let’s just say it’s perfect, and I love it. In fact I love it so much that I came back for the second time just to write this post.

Note that it was a very windy day the first time I visited here, hence all of my photos consist of my hair caressing my face. Like this one.

I love this setting in particular. A work space facing the outdoor with plenty of natural light and comfy chairs.

and SOCKETS! USB SOCKET EVEN!

It’s a really ideal place to have some quiet time and get some work done.

Then I went to this church thrift shop just down the road. Yes, it has been my mission to visit every thrift shop that I’ve known of its existence.

It’s like a little yard sell, just at the front porch of a church, I think.

At first I thought it’s 60 dollars, but it’s actually 60 cents. Most of the items here are less than a dollar, most of these books.

I exited through their back door, and discovered this really nice area.

And the second time I came back, my favourite spot was taken so I discovered this kids corner.

The workspace here is just as lovely. Especially the fact that there are animals picnic on top of us.

ALSO THEY HAVE WIFI, PRAISE THE LORD.

*New update: a follower has pointed out that Annerly is not on my list, and in fact, it’s the only location that I have left out, not on purpose though. So I update my list and there are now officially 190 suburbs in Brisbane city. yay.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorethecity #explorebrisbane #brisbane #cooper plain #australia

Thank you, The Good Place

I have just finished the final episode of The Good Place. It’s a good show for the first season and I was deeply addicted to it with all of the new concept, the new world and the final plot twist at the end of the season. But then, after binging through 3 seasons, I was kind of bored by the plot, and how the chaos and plot twist just seems so extra, draggy and unnecessary. But still, it’s a good show, as I believe, also of my nature of just sticking to a show until its end, I continued my journey. And let’s just say, my time didn’t gone to waste.

It’s a very calming and fulfilling ending. If I could recommend anyone new to watch the show, I would ask them to watch the ending, but I guess you could not fully get the fulfilment without going through the entire show.

Spoiler* In the end where each character walking through the final door for different reason, just put a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. “I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence, but I love to watch you leave.”

I would say the season that bored me to almost giving up the show is the second and third season where they were busy figuring out the way to go to the “real good place”, as well as trying to get the judge’s attention to the flaws in the system. But the thing that worth me to ponder is that when they finally got into the “real good place”, where you could have everything at the tip of your finger and you live eternally, just how a heaven supposed to be, just how everyone imagine how a heaven should be and dreading to get into, the people there just lost it. The idea that you could get everything without working for it just makes them a gloop. So they invented a door where the people in the good place could just disappear into specs of dust in the universe after decided they are ready to leave. And it’s the idea that they could leave at anytime they want sparks the excitement to discover and start doing things, because they know they have the option to not have the eternity to do it.

Ironically, this just makes the place more human than it was never supposed to be, but should be. And the fact that aside from giving the option to leave, the last door also gives them the opportunity to grief. Just that this time, you get to decide your time. It hits me when Eleanor decides to let Chidi goes through the door before her. “I need to let you go because I owe it to you.” To humans that have never cross path, the only thing that we owe to each others is our freedom.

Also, the show just got me thinking: do we really want everything to be figured out and laid on the table for us? Do we really want to know the answer to the universe? Perhaps, sometimes what we really need is to have life to give us a break, then continue hitting us with a rock, a wrecking ball, a handful of sand, while also making sure we are alive and fine for awhile and on the edge of exploding again. Just saying.

“Some good days. Some bad days. He has got a few friends. A few people he can’t stand. He’s learning something all by himself. And hopefully learning to ask for help when he needs it. He’s messing up, trying again, and messing up again, and then getting things wrong, and then trying to make them right. That’s what everyone does.”

With the option to live the infinite Jeremy Bearimy and Janet by your side, they still choose to live the most human way possible. “and blessed Micheal’s enthusiasm for everything human”.

Maybe, just maybe; we’re all in a good place.

#the good place

The dope ass shop in Oxley

Day 7: 21st Jan 2020

Firstly, I would like to apologise for the lack of update. It’s Chinese New Year, I am busy filling in shifts for my colleagues who are currently in China, God blessed them.

Anyway, I went adventuring in Oxley area few weeks ago, just didn’t have the time and energy to update my blog. Now I will try my best to recollect my memories by scrolling through the photos taken on my phone.

It was a sunny day, like a hot-fuckingly-dickily-hot sunny day, and if you’ve been to Oxley, there are not many trees or shady area there, mostly industrial area at large I would say. I found this shop once again, from Uncle Google’s map. It’s located beside a workshop/warehouse/I-didn’t-pay-attention. And there is a little cafe inside which is really cute. But the downside is, it was really hot inside with the weather and concrete wall and lack of air-conditioning, the last time I check, for most of the area, they only placed a finger-eating old fan cooling at its best functioning condition. So it’s hot, except for the upper floor.

The main entrance is at the side of the building away from the main road.

There are heaps of old vinyl records.

I do believe that some of these are possessed.

Also lots of old books, though not as much as the records. and you do have to be extremely careful because the walkway is really narrow and the shelves are filled with random glass/ceramic stuff.

This is the closest Woody that I have ever held in my hand. Oh, they have lots of vintage toys here as well.

They have old comics and newspaper pages, like the one I am holding, it’s from 1924.

At last, I bought this, they called it “naughty cat brooch”, because A. I felt like I need to get something from here, and B. I love cat. It’s AUD 15 btw.

And that pretty much sums up my trip to Oxley, and I may or may not went to Taco Bell nearby and ate a taco, burrito, and fries for lunch.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorebrisbane #explorethecity #brisbane #australia #oxley

The hidden wonderland in Seventeen Mile Rocks

Day 6: 15th Jan 2020

As I was saying, when my pride bag is out, it’s time to go.

Today’s destination: Rocks Riverside Park. Actually I was planning on jumping between three locations today because I am getting greedy, but I ended up visiting only one place, which I will explain later. So get your popcorn and let’s start.

I got off at the nearest bus stop from the park and I am super starving the moment I stepped off the bus. There's this cute snack bar just by the roadside in front of a car workshop.

So I just sneaked in and grabbed the cheapest snack and drink I could find. Cheese and ham croquette for $2.50 and chocolate milk for $3. Yes, I'm counting. There's also two tables set up outside for their customers which I think it's really cute and thoughtful.

It was a 5 minutes walk from the shop to the park. To be honest, when I arrived at the outside of the park. I just thought meh. The park is spacious but seems like there's nothing much going on.

Then I hit the jackpot. It's a wonderland! I mean LOOK AT HOW NOT CROWDED IT IS!!! Ohya, they also have water park.

And this big ass iron stuff.

It's a mill btw.

I chose to spend the rest of my day in a shade near the riverside. Because look how chill it is and look how chill it made me.

I've actually decided to explore two other areas but because I love this park so much and I missed the last bus and this place really inspired me, so I decided to get some work done here while enjoying the breeze.

5 minutes later, I got myself a new friend.

But seriously, the view here is so pretty and peaceful. Best enjoyed with a playlist of Bone Thugs N Harmony and a bottle of chocolate milk.

And they have a big field for picnic setups and opportunities for you to get bitten by snakes.

Also, there's this flying sliding stuff

And a liberty swing. I mean what more could you ask for?!

Anyway, it's a great place when it's not crowded and it really does helped me to be super focus and get some creative juice going. I think it's mainly the breeze that has worked wonders on unclogging my brain.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorethecity #explorebrisbane #brisbane #australia

The sneakers tree in Jindalee

Day 5: 12th Jan 2020

After the white town in Sinnamon Park, I decided to go to this skate park in Jindalee because it’s just a 20 minutes walk. Yea.

Let’s just say there were a lot of distractions.

Opps, I blocked the sign in this one. Here you go.

anddd DFO!

It’s quite a good 20-minute walk. Breezy and the woody scent from trees along the road. It’s a nice neighbourhood.

Finally I have reached the skate park. It’s everything I have imagined because this is my first time seeing a skate park in real life lol.

Well, I do think that there is not enough graffiti. Because what is a skate park without graffiti right?

I found this tree full of hanging sneakers by the shade. I think it’s kind of COOLL@%#%#^^%$*.

I didn’t stay for long because for one, I don’t skate, and two, there isn’t any hot guy skating.

buhbye sneakers tree.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorethecity #brisbane

The white town in Sinnamon Park

Day 5: 12th Jan 2020

I noticed that it’s really hard to find a cafe that as free WiFi which will allow me to spend my whole day occupying a single table with minimum spend.

So I have a brilliant idea to explore the city with Cafe 63 as the lead. Firstly, because I know they have free WiFi. Secondly, they have free WiFi.

The minute I arrived here, I was shocked by how white this place is. Like look at the building.

Oh and also the customers and workers here are all whites.

The place where I live is full of Chinese and now, I just felt like I have moved from Chinatown Washington DC to Florida (reference from Fresh Off the Boat).

Anyway, I ordered a grilled salmon and preparing to enjoy the rest of my afternoon binging FOTB off the free WiFi. But honestly, the people here are too loud chatting about their days and blah blah blah. I mean why would you want to talk to another human when you can just leverage on the FREE WIFI here by putting on your favourite show??!!!

Anyway, I saw this poster outside, seems like there will be an event every Friday, so I might or might not be coming back.

Speaking of this town, I really like the atmosphere, it’s kind of spacious yet quiet. There are a lot of beautiful white buildings here, and this, I am not sure if I am permitted inside.

P.s. I like the name Sinnamon btw, sounds like a sinful cinnamon.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorethecity #brisbane

The wild nature in Nathan

Day 4: 8th Jan 2020

First let’s appreciate my effort in making these purple sweet potatoes sandwiches.

I mean look at the marble print *deep breath*

Okay now, the famous Griffith University is in this area, and almost half of Nathan is the campus, the other half is the forest.

And this is the legendary “Red Zone” listed on the Google map. I think ya’ll just try to get me into lecture hall.

My destination is the Toohey Forest Environmental Education Center. After my last miserable hike due to my insufficient research, I have made sure that this center is located within 5-minute walking distance from the bus station.

Arrived at the entrance and within 2 minutes, I had ants climbing on my feet and bit me.

Discovered a huge python skin hanging on top of me. I should probably run now.

I saw Cheese Tree,

I found Cheese Tree. Shame on you Cheese Tree, shame on you.

So 10 minutes into the forest, I got scared by a wild iguana, a python skin, and a broken stick that I stepped on it. I am getting outta here.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorethecity #brisbane

The unexpected hike in Karawatha

Day 3: 5th Jan 2020

Okay, let me put this up front. I looked on the map and decided to go to this forest discovery centre, with no intention to hike, but just to visit the centre.

But my dumbass didn’t know that the centre located in the middle of the forest.

So since I am here, sure, let’s hike. It’s a forest full of bald or almost bald trees. It’s dead quiet and I am kind of scared that I will get lost here.

I know I looks quite worried in this photo, to which my expression is 100% real, because the place looks like I should never be walking in here alone. There are no proper track or path.

So I walked back to the entrance because I am seriously scared. Then I realised, it’s true! I should never be there because I totally missed the track near the entrance. I have just been walking off track for 20 minutes lol.

This is what I came here for.

And your nugget is hiking in her lilac Nike Air Force and skinny jeans.

Finally. And I was really unprepared because it is a picnic area and I should have at least bring some food here.

There is nothing much inside the centre to be honest.

But there is this cold dark room which is quite cool to take a nap inside.

I have read about how trees can burn from inside out when struck by lightning. I am not sure about this, but I think this photo might have explained it.

Now I think it’s a good time to shed a light on the Australia bushfires. For anyone who is concerning, I personally very luckily don’t get affected by it as I live in a city area in Brisbane, Queensland. However, our neighbouring state, NSW is in alarming danger, as well as the neighbouring city, the hinterlands of Gold Coast. They would really appreciate financial donations over material donations as the latter require more human forces to sort everything out.

Attached with a donation link to the Red Cross Australia: https://www.redcross.org.au/campaigns/disaster-relief-and-recovery-donate

At last, a lesson to myself: don’t travel in style.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorethecity #explorebrisbane

The very local fresh market in Woodridge

Day 3: 5th Jan 2020

It's 8.30 am and I'm on a train.

Destination? I read about this Global Fresh Market in Woodridge so I am going there to have a look and get some Thai papaya salad in my tummy! I know, I come to Australia to eat Thai food.

Okay first, my friend told me about this place the day before. He warned me to not come here at night or not at all because it is a very shady part of town. That’s before I realised that the market is in that area. I have set my mind.

Now take a look at this elevator door at the train station.

ARE THESE FREAKING BULLET HOLES??!

It has all come to sense, and I guess the bullet-proof glass works?

Arrived at the food market. It’s mostly Thai food.

I know I came here for the papaya salad and some hot&spicy tom-yum, but it’s freaking summer, and I am already melting for being in the market for less than 5 minutes. So I just get this iced green melon juice instead. And it was still too early for papaya salad in my tummy.

There is a fresh market located just across the food market. Just like every Sunday market, it’s filled with fresh veggies and fruits.

You really have to go into each stalls and compare the price. Taking okra as example, which I have been actively searching to make gumbo, it can go from 9 dollars per kg to only 5 dollars at different stalls.

And these babies are what I managed to snatch. A bunch of radishes for $1, one onion for $0.40, ladies’ fingers $1.30, one green pepper $0.20, and three purple sweet potatoes for $0.90. All together $3.80.

Heading back to the station, there was this local church choir singing at the roadside, and I decided to do the most touristy stuff - asking for photo lol.

So far, I think it’s worth to take a walk here and get some cheap fresh produce as how a Sunday market should be.

Note: After the trip I just realised that Woodridge is not even on the list. It is part of Logan City, which is not included in the City of Brisbane. So here goes for nothing.

#lilyinbrisbane #explorethecity #explorebrisbane

The hidden night market in Mt Gravatt

Day 2: 4th Jan 2020

I was at a mall nearby with my next working shift at 5.30pm. So I figured why not go to this night market that I found randomly on the map?

I took a bus there. Felt like I was being stranded at a “kampung” area.

Wait, I think that wasn’t a bus that I took, it was a plane that sent me back to Sarawak.

Ya girl reached the entrance. The market is located inside the showground.

Every building is teal green in here. Looks even more like “kampung”.

At the far back corner. I found it.

And the entrance fee is two dollars. I didn’t expect there will be entrance fee. My cheap ass is rejecting it, but since we have already travelled a long way here.

No one is here yet… Market opens at 4pm. It’s probably the most stupid idea. It’s a night market, and I have to leave by 5.

Kind of small. It’s a food market to be exact. And my stupid ass have had dinner before, so I’m not going to spend any money here because I’m cheap.

One thing to take note is that all of the indoor plastic chairs are quite dirty with bird poo and shit. The black stools at the open area however, are ironically cleaner.

And there is a bouncy castle for kids, which kind of pity-looking to be the only thing there.

There’s a stage for live music. And spoiler, at 4.30pm, ya girl realized her next shift is actually at 5pm. So I’m tapping out before the band even starts playing music.

All and all, I think this place is alright. I can imagine how it could be nicer at night with the live music and lights. Maybe just imagine it as a bunch of kids scrapped together to build a night market in a waste land. I’m a fan of the location to be honest, I like how it is hidden and secluded at the back of a showground/memorial place.

I think there’s a chance for me to come back here to give it another try if I have the time. Anyway, one off the list. Peace.

#lilyinbrisbane #brisbane #explorethecity

The quiet village of Stones Corner

Day 1: 3rd Jan 2020

Found a place called the Stones Corner Village the day before. My mind went like: Okay, let’s take a walk at the viellegee (that’s me being hard to impress).

Fine, the sign looks kind of cute. *still not impressed*

Found this alley at the site of a cafe. Looks very hipster-y. I’m slightly impressed but I have seen this somewhere else.

Had my late breakfast at a roadside restaurant called the 5 Borough. I ordered a glass of Rose´ with chicken tacos. The chicken in the tacos was nice.

The view was nice, but I only went there because I got a 30% off coupon from this AMAZING APP #$@#%$^!

Not ads, I just want to share that if you’re in Brisbane or Australia, check out Eat Club. They offered free coupon up for grab daily! It’s a good way to get you to explore new places and save your wallet a little. The deals usually go around 20%-30%, sometimes it goes to 50%! I know!!! (and it’s a free to use)

pssss, here’s me at 11am and feeling slightly drunk thanks to my low tolerance to alcohol.

Then things started to change when I found this cafe. It’s called 63 cafe, quite popular in here but this particularly has super nice outdoor dining area. Good WiFi.

And they give water to your dog!

And free bottled water!!! Okay I have over reacted a little.

Then I went shooping. The street is filled with thrift shops. (Okay, there are four in exact). Personally, I enjoyed Vinnies and Salvos a little more. Found these gems. I like it, I got it. (it’s 5 & 2 dollars each btw)

I ended up spending my whole afternoon there, especially at the cafe where I cracked open my laptop and did some *secret pro##ct*.

Lastly, stopped by their library for a bit.

I love how small and cozy there.

Here’s me trying to get a nice view.

At last, I am impressed. Very impressed by this viellegee.

Note: I am confused, even though Stones Corner and Greenslopes are on the list, but on the address, Stones Corner is part of Greenslopes. Anyway, I’ll just checked off Stones Corner for this time. Which means more works for me, yeah!

#lilyinbrisbane #brisbane #explorethecity

The Art of Being Out

A few days ago, my friend screamed at me through our phone call for not going out and explore the city. She challenged me to explore a new place every week. Being a bored and lazy ass person, I couldn’t pick on a spot that is interesting enough for me to take a 1-hour car ride there. So I listed out every suburb in Brisbane and will, in my effort, to visit every single one of em’. Finger crossed.

189 Locations: The List

#lilyinbrisbane #brisbane #explorebrisbane

To My 2020

I’ve never plan to write about a new year. Not ever before. This idea just popped in my head right now and I think this will be a good idea in a long time.

For every Malaysian kids, 2020 is a special year for us. It appears in our essay, karangan, zuo wen, our patriotism debate and everything that can add points to our grade. Behold the “WAWASAN 2020″ by Dr. M.

Honestly, I had it helped me to get good grades in countless of my essay and karangan, but a little secret of me, I have no idea what it is or what is actually inside it. All I know is that it helped me to get good grades, and I am going to leave it there.

So of course I am not going to talk about what “WAWASAN 2020″ is because I still have no idea and have no intention to find it out. I will just assume that it is a bunch of bs promised by our pm. so, I AM HERE TO TALK ABOUT MY 2020.

Quick recap. In 2019, I made a big move in my life. I stopped making YooTube video and moved to Australia, as I assumed it will be a big improvement to my miserable life. I wouldn’t say it is a huge mistake, just that my life continue to be miserable after all of the chaos we’ve caused. Oh and here’s the funny thing, when my friend and I made the move here, I acted like we’re in a top secret institution and I am working on some important missions. Let’s just say it’s all in my head.

Honestly, I don’t know what to say about my 2020. Which I reckon most of you might feel the same. Previously I have been trying to avoid big celebration on New Year’s Eve or even talk about it, I would just act cool on it and treat it just another day another sunrise. Maybe it just reminds me of how lonely I am and no matter how big the celebration is going on outside, nothing is worth celebrating inside me. That’s some dark shit lol.

I remembered one night, Ray told me that:”Lily, you’ve moved out, you’ve studied abroad on your own, you’ve done good enough.”, and what I felt instantly is a sense of recognition that I have never given myself, then immediately I started to reject the idea that I have done enough because all the other people have done what I did.

I have never celebrate Lily. I have never congrats Lily. I have never thank Lily.

I have never acknowledge what I’ve achieved, maybe I am afraid of the idea that what I have done is something so insignificant to the others. Maybe they are but I want to start on the norm that (quote what I told Ray one morning in my sleep) “不是他在这个世界有多大，是他在你的心里有多大“ - which translates to it’s not about how big it is in this world, it’s about how big it is in your heart.

For you who prefer to not celebrate anything or even this coming New Year, please go out there and celebrate like every other uncle/aunties/boogers kids/popular kids/social media kids that you’ve laughed at. Because if you don’t celebrate anything, you stop celebrate everything.

as to my 2020, I will celebrate Lily.

#2020 #goodjoblily

the flowl.

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