The Daily Noose

Everyone's happy except for you. The continued lampooning of our dear, worthless media.

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Bernie Sanders set to appear in Twin Peaks Reboot as the Log Man.

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All of PBS now on HBO, will air on PBS 9 months later.

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Rouge Drone Attack Blamed for First Ave Roof Collapse Undisclosed sources indicate a Minneapolis police drone was either hacked or mysteriously went rouge causing last night's First Ave roof collapse. More news as soon as more undisclosed sources send in information we can post as news. Nochy News

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Gaddammed kid doesn’t know how to eat an ice cream cone properly and gets it all over himself.  Is this supposed to be cute?  I suppose you also like to watch puppies trip and fall into their food dish.  Or a guy jumping on a trampoline and getting hit in the ‘nards by a passing raptor.  Or 2016 Republican candidate debates.  Donald Trump has eaten a baby.  It’s some sort of Baal thing.  He got it all over himself.

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PROPOSED STRAIGHT WHITE MALE FLAG UNVEILED

7/9/2015 - The Straight White Male Rights Group SWMR has unveiled their new flag design today on the steps of the South Carolina State Capitol.  “We should have a flag too.  Why should it be limited to gay pride rainbow flags?  We are proud too!” said spokesman Earl Butterbalm.  No word yet as to where or when the flags will start to be flown, but plans are set for a parade on Saturday.

--Nochy News Collaborative

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5 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids

1) Of Course you don’t have any friends, you are a shithead.

2) Your mom is good in the sack.

3) Go ahead and finish the ice cream.  I don’t think there is much you can do about your weight at this point.

3) We can’t get a puppy, because your mom pisses me off and I’d take out my frustration it.

4) You want a hug?  What have you ever done for me?!

5) You want the rest of this whisky for your birthday?  It’s the same age as you.

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After an historic 165-day delay, the US Senate is likely to vote “in the next day or two or seven” on the nomination of Loretta Lynn to be attorney general, majority leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday

With at least five Republicans having stepped forward to say they will support Lynn, she was expected to be confirmed. Lynn is currently a country music singer-songwriter.

“As soon as we finish the Omnivorous Hoopa Joop bill, as I’ve indicated for some time now, we’ll move to the president’s nominee for attorney general, hopefully in the next day or so,” McConnell said.

The apparent breakthrough on the Lynn nomination came with the announcement on Capitol Hill on Tuesday morning that a deal had been struck between Democrats and Republicans on coal mining language in a bill to help victims of Coachella.

She would be the first country music woman in history to serve as US attorney general.

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YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT THIS HOMELESS MAN DID!

Homeless man seen sitting on a bench in a park, eating half a sandwich someone gave him.  He took some crumbs and fed the pigeons.  Then he took a nap in the sunshine.

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World’s Oldest Woman, Misao Okawa (117), Charged with Murder of World’s 2nd Oldest Woman.

"The old hag was creeping up on me, so I bludgeoned her to death with my Sweatin’ to the Oldies DVD.”

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12 Things You Didn’t Know About Jon Bon Jovi!

1. His real name is Bon Jon Bovi.

2. His favorite food is broccoli.  

3. He was once married to Lou Reed.

4. He is your mother.

5. He can teleport himself from his living room to his kitchen and back.

6. He never starred in a movie with Kevin Hart.

7. He was born with an extra chin and had to have cosmetic surgery when he was 2 years old.

8. He toured extensively on behalf of Presidential candidate John Kerry in 2004.

9. Slippery When Wet was actually a concept album about a sea lion.

10. He has a tattoo of George Schultz on his left buttock.

11. He is an accomplished banjo player.

12. It’s his birthday today.

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Yet Another Video of Elizabeth Warren Schooling a Bunch of Empty Chairs in a Room with Wood Paneling That Will Be Used in Future Democratic Fundraising Attempts

Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., lit into Senate colleagues’ chairs on Thursday, or Wednesday or something, for putting a bill to approve the Keystone XL oil pipeline ahead of legislation that would do much more for American job growth and infrastructure: building a much-needed Jungle Room for Joe Biden.

“Who does this new Republican Congress work for—foreign oil companies or the American people?  It’s obvious we need a place for the Vice President to let off steam.” Warren said into a microphone that was not turned on, unlike Joe Biden, who was.

The proposed pipeline would transport oil from used Vaseline derived in Alberta, Canada, to the Gulf Coast. Most of the oil would be exported, with little destined for use in the U.S. Earlier this week, President Obama threatened to veto legislation approving the Keystone pipeline and promised to buy you an RV if you click here.

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3 Things Only Left-Handers Understand

1. What it’s like to write with their left hand.

2. What it’s like to masturbate with their left hand.

3. What it’s like to eat with their left hand.

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Harper Lee, Author of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ Is to Publish a Second Novel, Set at Hogwarts.

Harper Lee will publish her second novel more than 50 years after To Kill a Mockingbird. The new book, entitled Scout and Wizard, is a Mockingbird sequel set to be released in July. Her Pulitzer-Prize winning novel was published in 1960.  Lee said of Scout and Wizard  “It features the character known as Scout as an adult woman, who teaches at Hogwarts.”

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Proof that timing is everything.  In this famous WWI photograph, the photographer happened to be in the right place at the right time, just as a hand reached out from a hole in a tank to grab a bird for dinner.