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Baby Steps

It’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve written anything. I think a lot of the reason for that is that I was using this blog as a form of therapy/catharsis and seeing as I’ve been on the mend, I haven’t felt I needed to write anything. But, I don’t want this blog to be all about the bad times.

I logged in today and found three half-finished drafts from last year and earlier this year. None…

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Moving House

So, one of the really awesome things that have happened is that I’m moving house! Yay, moving out of the flat in Gibraltar and into a really nice shared house in La Linea with two lovely people :-3 We’re not completely moved in yet, but we picked up the keys a couple of weeks back. It’s a big house with lots of space (inside and out) and has a poooool! Which we don’t have to share with anyone!…

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I think I prefer the hypos

I take it back – depression really, really sucks.

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The Coffee Smelled Pretty Good...

The Coffee Smelled Pretty Good…

I dunno… I disappear for weeks and now you can’t get rid of me. Basically, I just had a really horrible nightmare and now I feel really uneasy and sick and just UGH. More than that – I’m really worried that someone is hurt… not by me (I was asleep 😉). I have a horrible feeling that something’s happened and I don’t know what to do. I know, it’s just a dream and it’s not real but anxiety tells me…

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It's My Turn To Be Selfish.

It’s My Turn To Be Selfish.

Oh shit, whudduuuup? Yes, it’s been a long time since there’s been an early morning post, hasn’t it? Lots of stuff has happened lately and the whole point of me keeping a blog was that I talk about the stuff that happens and not bottle it up or word vomit at people when I do actually manage to talk. Turns out that that’s not quite how I work, sorry. So, what’s been going on? Well, I’ll try and…

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Busted?

I’m supposed to be doing a different kind of writing at this moment in time, but situational variables make this hard. All I can say is this… Sunshine: Baby number 2 (he won’t look at me because he hates me a bit, no matter how many times I feed him nice things, tickle him and call him Dexy): Sunshine and Tunes: Please excuse the lack of makeup… I finally dyed my hair though and it looks…

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You'll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties (most likely in the foetal position under the table).

You’ll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties (most likely in the foetal position under the table).

A lot can happen in eleven days. A lot can change in eleven days. Similarly, not a lot can happen, nor change… at the same time. I’m such a philosopher. I’ve been trying to write for about a week, but I just haven’t been able to. There’s a lot going on upstairs and although it helps me to write about how I’m feeling, it didn’t seem like it was time. Now, I think it is. I don’t make friends…

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"But Sometimes It's A Good Hurt"

“But Sometimes It’s A Good Hurt”

It really has all gone a bit Spuddychan. I think I need a holiday; my brain is full of fuck and I don’t know what to do. Well, I guess for now it’s a case of carry on as normal and pretend everything is fine. It feels like one of those paper finger snakes – the more I try to escape, the more sucked in I get and I can’t get away. In all honesty though, there’s nothing I can do. Ride it out and…

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When Depression Can Actually Be A Good Thing.

The general consensus regarding depression is that it’s bad. Generally, I would agree with this; it’s not much fun. Post-hypomanic depression is even worse because not only are you depressed, but there is also the fallout and perceived guilt of all the things you did and said while on a manic. This is not going to be a “woe is me, I’m so sad” post. Surely though, that will come in time. I am…

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Well, shit.

I managed to get through my birthday without crying (I think), so that is a positive I’m taking from Friday. There’s not much else to be proud of. A complete and utter catastrophe – that’s the only way I can describe my behaviour, if I’m honest. I think it was the culmination of a lot of things and just went kaboom. I feel like I should disappear for a while. Forever, maybe. For the last couple…

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I'm A Birthday Brat.

I’m A Birthday Brat.

Today is my birthday. Yes it is. Happy birthday me. Not that I give people much of a chance to forget, because I’m one of those people that does not shut up about their birthday. It’s the one day of the year where I get to be totally selfish, and hot damn do I diva it up. I spend every other day of the year trying to please and appease other people; whether it’s work, home life… you name it,…

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I Have No Idea What I Am Doing.

At all. With anything. Seriously, I don’t have a clue. I don’t think I’m doing so well at the moment. I don’t want to call it an existential crisis but it’s along that spectrum somewhere. I don’t know… I’m probably just hungry or something. My attention span is severely lacking and I’m restless. I am sleeping a lot better than I usually am, but am always tired. Oh, and super grumpy. I feel close…

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I Don't Write When I've Been Drinking.

I Don’t Write When I’ve Been Drinking.

HOWEVER. I just want to say that I have so much to be thankful for… even when shitty times are super-shitty and the good times I can’t even remember. “A half moon; it has a dark half and a bright half, just like me…” Yuno Gasai (Mirai Nikki) I have some awesome, amazing friends and I am thankful for each and every one of you. It’s not easy being part of a BP person’s life so THANK YOU for…

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The Best Thing About Valentine's Day Is That It Marks Ten Days Till My Birthday.

The Best Thing About Valentine’s Day Is That It Marks Ten Days Till My Birthday.

It’s Valentine’s Day today, WHAT? Not that I care or anything. I only realised this when I woke up at 3am and saw it was the 14th February and was like, wow… that came around quickly. I have always hated Valentine’s Day. Whether single or as part of a couple, I can’t stand it. I think a lot of it is because when I was about 14, I came home from school and there was this “Valentine’s Cheese” in…

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Negativity incoming!

Then my wrath against you will subside and my jealous anger will turn away from you; I will be calm and no longer angry. (Ezekiel 16:42) I am not a religious person; at least, I wasn’t the last time I checked. However, I have found myself drawn to this verse (and passage, especially) in the last few days. Totally weird. Anyway, this past week, I have seen a side to myself that I not only…

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Manic Dreams

I mentioned in an earlier post (Waking Up “On One”) that weird dreams can be par for the course on a (hypo)/manic episode. I also have dreams and nightmares where I am aware that I’m dreaming and can’t wake up (I think there’s a name for this). I just wanted to share something that I dreamed about last night. Firstly, it was horrible. Awful, terrible, nasty stuff. If you’re easily…

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Thursday

So far, this week has been good. That is all. Well, I’ve been really hyper today but that’s it. Time for a cup of tea and bed. T minus one approaches.

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