Source : Poor Narcissus. By Darlene Lancer, LMFT
The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in pool of water and died hungering for its response. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. It’s a common misconception that they love themselves. They actually dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit–usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outwards in their disdain for and criticism of others. They’re too afraid to look at themselves, because they believe that the truth would be devastating. Actually, they don’t have much of a Self at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside and they hunger to be filled and validated by others. Sadly, they’re unable to appreciate the love they do get and alienate those who give it.
Narcissists are often mistaken for loving themselves, but they actually harbour deep self-loathing. Their outward arrogance and perfectionism are masks for this inner disdain. They depend on others for validation, yet are emotionally empty and unable to appreciate the love they receive, ultimately alienating those around them.
All personality traits, including narcissism, range from mild to severe. Narcissism can be viewed on a continuum from mature to archaic. Mature individuals are able to idealize romantic partners, express their talents and skills, and accomplish their goals, while employing only neurotic defenses; a middle group has unstable boundaries and employ borderline defenses; and those highly sensitive to wounding, employ destructive, psychotic defenses and have unstable relationships (Solomon, 1989).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), first categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association in 1987, occurs in 1 to 6.2 percent of the population; males exceed females at a ratio of 3:2 (Dhawan, 2010; McClean, 2007). Although nonprofessionals often label people with NPD who show a few narcissistic traits, clinical NPD ranges in severity from those with only the minimum required five diagnostic traits to narcissists who strongly manifest all nine symptoms.
Here’s a summary of the Diagnostic Criteria in the DSM-5:
Someone with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (sometimes only in fantasy), need for admiration from others, and lack of empathy, beginning in childhood, as indicated by five of these characteristics:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
6. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
7. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
9. Has arrogant behaviors or attitudes
In addition to the grandiose “Exhibitionist Narcissist” described above, James Masterson identifies a “Closet Narcissist”–someone with a deflated, inadequate self-perception, a sense of depression and inner emptiness. He or she may appear shy, humble or anxious, because his or her emotional investment is in the idealized other, which is indirectly gratifying (Masterson, 2004). “Malignant”
narcissists are the most pernicious and hostile, enacting anti-social behavior. They can be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or don’t get what they want.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum from mild to severe. While mature narcissists can idealize partners and achieve goals, those with severe narcissism exhibit destructive behaviors and unstable relationships.
Different types of narcissists include exhibitionists who seek admiration, closet narcissists who feel inadequate, and malignant narcissists who exhibit hostile, anti-social behavior.
It’s hard to empathize with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested due to faulty, early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. Some believe the cause lies in extreme closeness with an indulgent mother, while others attribute it to parental harshness or criticalness. This latter position stems from Otto Kernberg’s emphasis on parental anger, envy, and hate, or indifference that expresses veiled aggression. (Ellis, 2009; Russell, 1985)
The two views converge on the underlying psychodynamics.
An idealizing, indulgent mother may be unable to experience her child as a separate individual and provide sufficient empathy, mirroring, or opportunity for idealization. Although leniency can result in healthy narcissism, when psychological control is added, like guilt induction and withdrawal of love, a solid self doesn’t develop, because the child’s focus is to gain external approval. Rather than receiving support for an emerging autonomous self, the child learns that love and involvement is conditioned on conforming to parental needs and expectations. (Horton, Bleau, & Drwecki, 2006)
Heinz Kohut observed this in his narcissistic clients who suffered from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Beneath a narcissistic façade, they lacked sufficient internal structures to maintain cohesiveness, stability, and a positive self-image to provide a stable identity. (Russell, 1985)
He believed the cause lay in the empathic failure between the caregiver and child. He differed from Otto Kernberg, who thought the pathology began during the oral stage, claiming that it could even begin in latency.
Narcissists are uncertain of the boundaries between themselves and others and vacillate between dissociated states of self-inflation and inferiority. This diagram illustrates how a self divided by shame is made up of the superior-acting, grandiose self and the inferior, devalued self:
1. When the devalued self is in the inferior position, shame manifests by idealizing others.
2. When the individual is in superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self aligns with the inner critic and devalues others through projection. Both devaluation and idealization are commensurate with the
severity of shame and the associated depression (Lancer, 2014).
Although most people fluctuate in these positions, the Exhibitionistic and Closet Narcissists are more or less static in their respective superior and inferior positions irrespective of reality, making them pathological. Arrogance, denial, projection, envy, and rage are among the defenses to shame (Lancer,
2014).
Narcissists defend against shame and fragmentation by feeling special through idealizing (idealizing transference) or identifying with (mirror transference) others. Understanding the dynamics of projective-identification of these states is key in working with transference and countertransference (Lancer, 2013).
Although more research is required, twin studies revealed a 54-percent correlation of narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a genetic component (Livesley, Jang, Jackson, & Vernon, 1993).
Narcissism often stems from early developmental issues, typically due to insufficient nurturing or overly critical parenting. This leads to an unstable self-image and a reliance on external approval. Narcissists experience profound emptiness and struggle with boundaries, alternating between grandiosity and inferiority. They defend against shame by feeling special, either by idealising or identifying with others. Understanding these dynamics is key to addressing their behaviors.
It's important to recognise that narcissists didn't choose their condition; it's rooted in their early experiences. This understanding can foster empathy and guide more effective ways to support them.
Relationships with Narcissists
It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in others. Enlivened by their energy, people gravitate towards them and are proud to bask in their glow.
The Narcissist. At home, narcissists are totally different than their public persona. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining.
After an initial romance, they expect appreciation of their specialness and specific responses through demands and criticism in order to manage their internal environment and protect against their high sensitivity to humiliation and shame. Relationships revolve around them, and they experience their mates as extensions of themselves. Most narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing others do is right or appreciated. Their partners are expected to meet their endless needs when needed – for admiration, service, love, or purchases – and are dismissed when not.
That their spouse is ill or in pain is inconsequential. Narcissists don’t like to hear “No” and often expect others to know their needs without having to ask. They manipulate to get their way and punish or make partners feel guilty for turning them down. Trying to please the narcissist is thankless, like trying to fill a bottomless pit. They can make their partners experience what it was like having had a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent.
Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who
devotedly bonded with him to survive. The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation.
The Narcissist’s Partner. Although their partners feel loved when the narcissist bestows caring words and gestures, is madly possessive, or buys expensive gifts, they doubt his or her sincerity and question whether it’s really manipulation, pretense, or a manufactured “as if” personality. They feel tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, false accusations, criticism, and unjustified indignation about small or imaginary slights. These partners also lack boundaries and absorb whatever is said about them as truth. In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, they sacrifice their needs and thread on eggshells, fearful of displeasing the narcissist. They daily risk blame and punishment, love
being withheld, or a rupture in the relationship. They worry what their spouses will think or do, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist as they are with themselves.
Partners have to fit in to the narcissists’ cold world and get used to living with emotional abandonment. Soon, they begin to doubt themselves and lose confidence and self-worth. Communicating their disappointment gets twisted and is met with defensive blame or further put downs. The narcissist can dish it, but not take it.
Nevertheless, they stay, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted them return, especially when the narcissist feels threatened that a break-up is imminent.
When two narcissists get together, they fight over whose needs come first, blame, and push each other away, yet are miserable needing each other.
Narcissists often captivate others with their charm and charisma, but their true nature surfaces in close relationships, where they become demanding, critical, and manipulative. Their partners are left feeling drained and unappreciated, constantly striving to meet impossible standards. Despite the emotional toll, many partners stay, hoping for the occasional return of the initial charm.
Narcissists can be incredibly captivating at first, making it easy to fall for them. However, their true nature often leads to toxic and draining relationships. It's crucial to recognise the signs early and set healthy boundaries to protect one's emotional well-being.
Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. They share codependent core symptoms of denial, control, shame, dependency (unconscious), and dysfunctional communication and boundaries, all leading to intimacy problems.
One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency (Irwin, 1995). Although more aggressive than passive, in my opinion, they are codependent.
Accommodating codependents and narcissists can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, because the latter’s attributes and aura of success boost the formers’ low self-esteem, which allows accommodators to tolerate emotional abuse.
Typically, accommodators aren’t authoritative and prefer a nonassertive,
subordinate role, because their own power and often anger are repressed, frightening, and shamebound. They seek and hunger for missing parts of themselves and idealize new partners’ qualities, which they hope to absorb. This is why two accommodators rarely get together. They’re in awe of narcissists’ self-direction and “strength,” and live vicariously in the reflection of their success, power, protection, and charisma, while unaware of narcissists’ fragile personas and hidden shame (Lancer, 2014).
Accommodators attach to narcissists who appear bold and express their needs and anger, yet themselves feel needless and suffer guilt when they assert themselves. Caretaking and pleasing make codependents feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are–only for what they give or do (Lancer, 2014).
Narcissists are also drawn to their opposite to support their pride and fill their emptiness–partners who are emotionally expressive and nurturing, qualities they lack. They need partners they can control who won’t challenge them and make
them feel weak (Lancer, 2014).
Often in these relationships, narcissists are the distancers when more than sex is anticipated. Getting emotionally close means giving up power and control. The thought of being dependent is abhorrent. It not only limits their options and makes them feel weak, but also exposes them to rejection and feelings
of shame, which they keep from consciousness at all costs. (Lancer, 2014)
Their anxious partners pursue them, unconsciously replaying emotional abandonment from their past. Underneath they both feel unlovable.
Narcissists' lack of a core self and their constant need for validation through others' admiration and attention create complex dynamics in relationships. They often attract and maintain relationships with accommodating individuals who are drawn to their perceived strength and success. This dynamic, while appearing to meet some needs initially, often leads to emotional abuse and a skewed power balance where the narcissist's needs dominate.
The codependent nature of these relationships, where one party accommodates the other's demands at the expense of their own well-being, can be deeply damaging. It's important for individuals in such relationships to recognise their own value and set boundaries to protect their emotional health. Understanding these dynamics can help break the cycle of seeking validation from others who may not be capable of providing genuine love or support.
Narcissists comprise only 2-16 percent of clients and don’t often come to individual therapy (McClean, October, 2007). They see the cause of their problems as external due to their defenses of denial, distortion, and projection, which limit their ability for introspection. Thus, they usually enter treatment to manage an external problem, such as a divorce or work-related issue, or following a major blow to their fragile self. Sometimes they come because their spouse insisted on conjoint counseling, and occasionally, they seek treatment for loneliness and depression. Medication has not been shown to be effective, except to treat associated depression.
The fact that narcissists rarely seek therapy on their own highlights the profound challenges in addressing their issues. Their reliance on defenses like denial, distortion, and projection makes introspection and personal growth difficult. When they do seek therapy, it's often due to external pressures or crises, rather than a genuine desire for self-improvement. This resistance to therapy not only hampers their own development but also affects those around them who suffer from their behavior.
It underscores the importance of supportive yet firm therapeutic approaches that can gradually break through these defenses. However, it also emphasises the need for those in relationships with narcissists to set clear boundaries and seek their own support, as waiting for the narcissist to change can be a long and uncertain process.
Many therapists believe depth work should be avoided not only because the narcissist’s difficulties are felt as ego-syntonic, but also because they need to strengthen their defenses against primitive feelings (Russell, 1985). One client who entered therapy during a tumultuous divorce soon quit. He claimed that
self-examination lowered his self-esteem and that he needed a drink to get through each session. He resented the analyst’s fees as exploitative, “typical of women,” including his soon to be ex-wife.
Although narcissism is difficult to treat, progress can be made over time. Weekly sessions over a shorter term can improve patients’ functioning and adaptation to reality by gaining some control over their defenses and by working through some past traumata (Masterson, 2004).
They can learn to manage their anger, rage, and impulsivity, and although narcissists may feign empathy in order to get close or win others’ approval, subclinical narcissists (without full-blown NPD) have been taught empathy,
through using their imagination (put themselves in another’s shoes) (Hepper, Hart, & Sedikides, 2014).
Similarly, narcissists may be philanthropists or volunteers in the community for the public approbation they receive to boost their self-esteem, but they can learn to empathize and be less self-centered by helping others without personal gain.
Psychoanalysis and psychoanalytic psychotherapy are generally used for treating the disorder itself. Treatment of two or more times per week centers on activating the patient’s grandiose self through empathic mirroring until “transmuting internalization” occurs, creating internal psychic structures. The
patient may also develop an idealizing transference, attributing perfection to the analyst, in order to use him or her for stability, calmness, and comfort (Russell, 1985).
In comparing Kohut and Carl Rogers, Robert Stolorow described the therapist’s empathic stance in client-centered therapy: “The client thus comes to experience himself as ‘prized’ . . . by the therapist, much as does the narcissistically disturbed patient immersed in a mirror transference” (Stolorow, 1976, p. 29).
Quoting Rogers, Stolorow adds:
“The therapist endeavours to keep himself out as a separate person . . . his whole
endeavour is to understand the other so completely that he becomes almost an
alter ego of the client . . . The whole relationship is composed of the self of the
client, the counselor being depersonalized for the purposes of therapy into being
‘the client's other self.’ (Rogers, 1951, pp. 42, 208) ”
Kohut believed that the analyst should neither interpret transferences, nor defenses, including rage at the analyst who fails to live up to the patient’s expectations or satisfy his or her needs. Instead, the clinician should allow and echo the patient’s “emerging grandiose fantasies of self-glorification, especially the wish to feel special to and admired by the analyst” (parent), which was missed in childhood. (Russell, 1985, p. 146)
Kohut argued that interpreting the transference and confronting clients’ defenses risk being experienced as deeply wounding. This may cause more defensiveness and suppress the transference necessary for transmutation.
Kernberg also recommends a supportive, empathic approach, but in contrast maintains that both positive and negative aspects of the transference should be interpreted; rage in treatment must be confronted in order to preserve the therapy and contain patients’ fears of destroying it and any hope of receiving love (Russell, 1985).
Masterson employs a “mirroring interpretation of narcissistic vulnerability” only when the patient is acting-out in the transference. It’s a three-step process to interrupt narcissistic defenses in order to bring to the surface the patient’s underlying painful affect (Masterson, 2004).
1. Identify and acknowledge the patient’s painful affect with empathy and understanding.
2. Emphasize the impact on the patient’s self to indicate understanding of his or her experience.
3. Identify and explain the defense or resistance, which can be tied to step 1, by observing how it protects, calms, and soothes the patient from experiencing the painful affect. Care must be taken to avoid a narcissistic injury.
Ideally, interpretations focus on the patient’s need to restore strength after feeling injured.
With a grandiose narcissist, the therapist focuses on the failure to mirror the patient’s grandiose self.
With a Closet Narcissist, the therapist focuses on failures in the idealized object (Masterson, 2004).
Over time, continued mirroring and working through manageable disturbances in the therapy build trust in the therapist, so that the patient is now better able to participate in self-reflection and tolerate and ingest interpretations (McClean, 2007).
Other therapies for treating narcissism include transference-focused therapy and Jeffrey Young’s Schema Therapy, which integrates psychodynamic, cognitive, and behavioral approaches. Stephen M. Johnson also advocates an integrative strategy to include affective therapies, such as Gestalt, Reichian, and bio-energetics.
Conjoint Therapy. The goals of conjoint therapy are that partners attain more realistic and empathic object representations of one another and can tolerate each other’s failure to meet their self-object needs (transmuting internalization) (Solomon, 1989). Underlying vulnerability and shame can provoke escalating cycles of defensive maneuvers involving forms of attack and withdrawal (Lancer, 2014). Destructive defensives further deteriorate representations of one another and make therapy unsafe. Couples can be educated that such tactics erode good feelings and damage their relationship. To build self-awareness and mutual empathy, the therapist can ask them to each talk about how they protect themselves when they’re hurt, what they need and want from each other, and the effects of their current strategies. This can open an empathic dialogue between them about feelings, wishes, and needs, the way communicate, and its impact on one another.
When a defense is employed, the therapist should interrupt the issues at hand, stating something like, “I think we’re getting to the heart of something that hurts you both a great deal” (Solomon, 1989, p. 159).
Then he or she can mirror the underlying hurt, emotions, and needs as suggested by Masterson, above, and guide the partner to assertively express them in a nonthreatening way. Connecting the couple’s pain to their individual past provides space between them and mutual empathy. It allows projections to
be detoxified, retrieved by the projector, and not taken personally by the recipient. They also need help to take responsibility for their individual self-soothing and finding other means of support for their needs.
When narcissists won’t join counseling, their partners may enter individual therapy. The therapist can help the partner de-idealize his or her spouse and build self-esteem, autonomy, and resources outside the relationship. By connecting the client’s yearnings and pain to childhood abandonment depression, past trauma and shame can be worked through to increase self-worth and self-compassion. Supporting the partner to assertively ask the narcissist for what the client wants and to stop reacting to the narcissist and set boundaries, empowers the client and builds self-esteem. It also reduces denial and awakens the client to the reality of the narcissist’s limitations. Intervening this way intrapsychically and systemically in individual therapy often substantially improves the couples’ interpersonal dynamics.
Effective therapy for narcissists and their partners requires a nuanced and empathetic approach. Identifying and addressing the patient’s painful emotions with empathy helps build trust and facilitates self-reflection. Therapists need to carefully navigate narcissistic defenses to avoid causing further injury, focusing on the patient’s need to restore strength after feeling hurt. Different therapeutic approaches, such as transference-focused therapy, Schema Therapy, and conjoint therapy, can be beneficial.
For partners of narcissists, therapy can help them de-idealise their spouse, build self-esteem, and set healthy boundaries. Understanding and addressing their own past traumas and current needs is crucial for personal growth and improving relationship dynamics. This dual approach not only supports the narcissist’s journey towards self-awareness but also empowers their partners to reclaim their autonomy and well-being. Such comprehensive therapy can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships.
1. Types of Narcissists, Their Descriptions, Strengths, and Weaknesses
Description: Exhibits overt arrogance, entitlement, and a sense of superiority. They crave admiration and are often charming, ambitious, and assertive.
Strengths: Charismatic, confident, and often successful in professional and social settings. Their ambition can drive them to achieve high levels of success.
Weaknesses: Lack empathy, are highly sensitive to criticism, and can be manipulative. Their relationships are often superficial and transactional.
Vulnerable (Closet) Narcissist
Description: Appears shy, humble, or anxious. They have an inflated self-importance but are inwardly insecure and overly sensitive to how others perceive them.
Strengths: Can be perceived as sensitive and empathetic, often appearing considerate and caring in relationships initially.
Weaknesses: Struggle with self-esteem, rely heavily on others for validation, and may engage in passive-aggressive behaviour. Their insecurity can lead to dependency and unstable relationships.
Description: Combines traits of narcissism with antisocial behaviour. They are manipulative, exploitative, and often engage in harmful behaviours without remorse.
Strengths: Highly strategic, often able to manipulate situations and people to their advantage. Their ruthlessness can sometimes lead to achieving goals.
Weaknesses: Dangerous and destructive to others. They lack any genuine empathy and can cause significant harm in personal and professional relationships.
Description: Similar to vulnerable narcissists but more prone to feelings of neglect or belittlement. They display a facade of humility but harbor grandiose fantasies.
Strengths: Can be highly perceptive and often attuned to the emotional dynamics around them, making them appear compassionate and understanding.
Weaknesses: Prone to depression and anxiety, overly sensitive to perceived slights, and can harbour deep-seated resentment. Their relationships are often fraught with conflict due to their underlying insecurities.
Description: Seeks validation through perceived altruism and community involvement. They see themselves as selfless and generous but expect recognition and admiration for their efforts.
Strengths: Often involved in charitable activities and community service, they can inspire and lead others towards social causes.
Weaknesses: Their altruism is often superficial, driven by a need for admiration rather than genuine concern. They can be manipulative and controlling, expecting others to acknowledge their supposed selflessness.
Description: Derives self-worth from physical appearance and sexual conquests. They are obsessed with their body and physical health.
Strengths: Often physically attractive and charismatic, they can easily attract attention and admiration.
Weaknesses: Superficial and overly focused on appearance, they can neglect deeper emotional and intellectual connections. Their relationships often revolve around physical attraction rather than genuine intimacy.
Description: Gains self-esteem from intellectual achievements and perceived intelligence. They consider themselves smarter and more knowledgeable than others.
Strengths: Highly intelligent and knowledgeable, they can excel in academic and professional fields that value intellect.
Weaknesses: Arrogant and dismissive of others' ideas and feelings, they struggle with forming emotional connections. Their superiority complex can alienate friends, family, and colleagues.
