Diary Of A Single Mom

[mariposa-mama]

Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without.”

Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match (via mariposa-mama)

[just-shower-thoughts]

“Go to bed, you’ll feel better tomorrow” is the human version of “Did you try turning it off and back on again?”

[thediaryofasinglemom-blog1]

Letter to my ex husband:

I call you my ex husband because even though you won’t sign our divorce papers, you’re not my husband in my heart anymore. You have become a man I do not know. Ruined the woman who loved you through your flaws, because I am now so broken I don’t know that I will ever be able to love another man again.

Your children. OUR children. Their tears for you only fuel my anger and hurt over the things you’ve done and continue to do. How can you stand yourself when you’re breaking their hearts??? Our daughters first heartbreak was not supposed to be caused by her own father!

I’m so angry. Crushed. Exhausted. We were your FAMILY and you’ve deserted us! Yes, I am the one who wanted out. I left. But you left our kids. They cry for you, and I make excuses for you time and time again. Not wanting anyone to say anything badly about you so the kids don’t hear it, but dying inside because I keep my pain to myself.

I can not eat, I can not sleep, and when I do I’m automatically sick and no true rest comes from it. My body hurts from the stress of wondering how I’ll pay our bills because you’re too immature to help support them.

I carry this pain alone. This overwhelming guilt that I did this consumes me, when in fact it was your decision to choose alcohol over your family. How do I shield my children from those that hurt them, when it’s their father doing the most damage?

Do you ever feel guilty? Do you ever wonder about them? Do you even think about their feelings when you choose to be somewhere else on the day you were supposed to spend with them?

They are the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met. Loving fiercely enough that it could warm the coldest of hearts. But you are missing out on that. I would feel sorry for you...except all feelings other than anger for you have been replaced with more anger and hurt than I’ve experienced in my life. And that is quiet an amount.

[thediaryofasinglemom-blog1]

What being single has taught me:

Being single has taught me many variations of things I thought I already knew. Like who I am. Where I want to go in life. Who I want to be for my kids.

But the best thing it’s taught me by far is how to find my self worth again, and not try to define myself through a man’s eyes.

I’ve struggled my entire life with wanting to be the perfect woman, wife, mother. But there is no such thing. Just a illusion of perfection that is a mask for all the trouble lying underneath the surface.

I felt the need to be picture perfect. Now...I embrace my flaws. Every single one of them. Every stretch mark, every freckle, every strand of hair that flies out of my hair tie. Every laugh that I think sounds stupid sometimes, and every funny face I make that makes others think I’m crazy....but in return make my kids giggle.

I am not perfect. But I am perfect enough in my kiddo’s eyes, and that’s good enough for me!

[thediaryofasinglemom-blog1]

Too Many Questions:

What do you tell your children when they ask to see their father, who won’t even take 5 minutes out of his day to call them? This has been a question I ask myself quite often. How do I tell them in the most delicate way that their father is an ass hat who chooses not to be in their life? I mostly avoid the questions they ask, and try to redirect them into a conversation I am more equipped to answer. Honestly, I don’t quite understand the ability to maintain such selfishness that you never see or speak to your children. Maybe it’s different for moms....but then again, maybe I am just making yet another excuse for their father. I’ve made plenty throughout the years. Maybe I am still holding onto a sliver of hope that he will miraculously grow up and accept his responsibilities. Maybe I just don’t want my kids to know how shitty of a father he truly is. Every loving moment in my memory of him and our children have now been replaced by him abandoning them, and even though I truly hate him for doing this....I still would never talk badly about him in font of my children. But, I know one day they will make their own decisions on how they feel about their dad. I just hope he realizes this sooner than later.