orgasmicallyugly

20, he/him

[thedilliwalakid]

I bet I could cry right now if I tried hard enough.

[thedilliwalakid]

dream deferred

dream lost

yet another one

to the stars

to

the

staaarssss…

murmur who you want to be

a simple sober thought

hope it soars

high

defies

gravity

step by step

construct a reality

where you

fade and

break

into

calamity

I’ll lose you and then some more and then some more and more and more

and more

and more

Until it’s you who’s left

Mi

Amor

[thedilliwalakid]

Hello Tumblr, I’m sad again

Could I please get a hug?

It’s so hard to think of happy thoughts lately. I think even on my best days, I’m just optimistic rather than cheerful.

[thedilliwalakid]

feeling like I want to love to the fullest today

[thedilliwalakid]

Gender aur uski khoobiyan

Chali Mahila ya Mard yaha

Ek hi chaal aur ek hi jaha

Pehne topi aur ek chequed shirt

Aur hai nahi kisi ki parwaah

Baat itni hai filaal

Ki tu pehne pink ya ek halki si Muskaan

aaye peeche daanav

mard jaat of this maanav

Kehne ko toh fark na ke baraabar

bas ek naari jaane khud ki shakti ko

aur aadmi wahi taiyyar bethe dassne ko

Shaam ho ya savere ka alvida

Main hu tere bagal mein

Bas peeche mud ke dekh na le

Chahta hu dil ka haal bataana

Chahe tu maange ya nahi

Har uss nazar mein darr bhanakta hai

Har raat ke kone mein uska saaya bhatakta hai

Samaaj na bacha saka toh apne Papa ki rakhsa kya uske saamne

O pari, naaz rakhna apni chaati pe fir bhi

Shayad agle hi uss pal mein likhi teri maut ya gila

[thedilliwalakid]

I’m so scared of everything

Tumblr save me

[thedilliwalakid]

I can’t believe this is where life has led me. To the absolute trenches. If someone had narrated the events of this year to me in the past, I would’ve had a hard time believing it altogether.

The most vile and the saddening circumstances have all played a part in making sure I have such a hard time getting out of my bed now. No matter what I think, there’s no escaping the bounds of my single twin bed.

If someone out there is writing my life story, I better be getting rich as fuck in the next 2 years or something. At least make it worth my while. I’m so broken oh god, unbelievable.

It’s so bad that I think I’m numb to sadness at this point. I feel angry and cold all the time, which is so far off from the person I actually am. Maybe I need therapy, I might indulge in that this month. But just wanted to take a minute to summarise everything to myself. The fuck is going on

[thedilliwalakid]

today’s a weird day. On most days I hate having to work on my laptop. My job requires me to type out articles and I just await the second I’m done working.

And yet, today I got done an hour earlier. But I keep typing and typing. Almost as if I’m scared to be alone and there’s this one person who’s here every second of every day for me. At this point I don’t even know if I’m typing out words or not, probably.

A weird weird night indeed.

[thedilliwalakid]

I am sitting in the metro and this dude came and sat right next to me. He had headphones and he looked to be having a great time listening to this song.

Fully bopping his head and grooving. So I got a bit curious and tried to look at the song he was listening to. And then I played the exact same song on my headphones and now, both of us are seemingly enjoying the same sort of musical joy.

And you know what, Vibe Killer by Dhanda Nyoliwala goes really hard actually

He has no idea and hopefully he doesn’t see me because it could be really embarrassing lol

[thedilliwalakid]

Sometimes I look at us smiling together and I’m instantly reminded of the fact that we shared love together

Sure it exists in bits and pieces now, but once it was a remarkable piece of a vase that held every smile and kiss that we ever made in the little corners of your room

It’s so bizarre to think that I loved you and you loved me. Love has existed and wrapped us both in its arms, only mine to be called yours and yours to mine

What transpired outside the walls was so little and insignificant

All I cared about was the darkness and hoping that I could see your teeth glisten through it all

That’s a monumental feeling

Knowing that you’ve seen it and touched it, believe it and then seek it

Sure we will conquer mountains and molehills as we move forward

But knowing that love is a part of the labours I’ve finished,

Oh! Would put cute little Hercules to shame!

[thedilliwalakid]

I wish there was a thing called casual cuddling with little kisses on the side

[thedilliwalakid]

I just can't seem to let people in, but I can always be everything that people need me to be.

[thedilliwalakid]

I have so many things to do, so much I want to do right now. How do I be good at everything all at once. Maybe I'm meant to fall flat on my face for wanting to live so fast -paced. I'm sorry to anyone who cares about me but I just can't bring myself to feel about people or things anymore.

I would much rather run away and build myself a home in a quiet shack where I'm left by my thoughts. Love is hard but the hardest part is giving it back.

That's how I feel these days.

But I want to dance, I want to start acting, I want to start a small business. I want to keep doing things that get me one step further up the ladder. The ladder of where I want to be in 10 years. No scratch that, where I want to be right now.

I'm such a selfish asshole oh my god. No wonder I don't have friends these days. Actually I do but I push them all away because I think I'm too big of a lost cause or I'm too brave. It's either of those doors but I wouldn't want to pick. Thank you rima vishal maasana Ibrahim ambika for trying to save me but I'm so sorry. I just can't seem to grab your hand. I love you guys.

[thedilliwalakid]

Dilli waala kid out and about

I'm gonna end shit today

[thedilliwalakid]

Remember me when I'm gone

[thedilliwalakid]

Tw: mention of suicide

It's so funny how it's been almost 4 years since I've last had these thoughts. It could be because I witnessed an actual person who did it to himself. Maybe now it feels like that might just be a way out.

I think I have been hurting for a long time, far too long for me to even realise it. And lo and behold I'm active on Tumblr again because I'm going through a shitty time.

I couldn't sleep last night, every thought seemed so scary. And everyone of them seemed to have me on the edge of a high place. Where I could feel my feet having sensations, almost as if telling me to back off. At that moment of time, all I could think about was my own need to not be present anymore. Selfishness to an extent where I did not care about my mother or my friends anymore.

I was out last night driving for an hour. Just me on my scooty listening to Taylor Swift (I only listen to her when I've gone absolute bat shit crazy) I couldn't even bring myself to tears and it's so annoying. If not anything, cathartic crying is so relieving in a depressive episode and I can't even do that.

Anyways good morning, I have been in bed for the past 15 hours. Can't seem to move at all.

[thedilliwalakid]

I've been home from the club for almost 2 hours now. But for some reason I just can't bring myself to move or change clothes at all. Maybe it's the passing of an acquaintance that keeps me sad. Or maybe it's just my circumstance of losing people. I pretend that it doesn't hurt but I think I just don't know it yet.

I have an exam tomorrow that I haven't prepared for. I should be making that my priority but I can't do anything except to stay in my bed. What is wrong with me, I wonder? Who or what is causing this feeling in me? I really wish I could pinpoint, it would just make everything easier. Sadness is communicable and you can't tell me differently. So whose lips did I touch and whose eyes met mine. I seem to be failing at what I do best, recognising pain.