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[thee30percentstudios]

Hexagram 23 (again)

I feel like throughout my life, the majority of it is making grand plans, a way to get me far ahead in the ideas that I have. Like moving to Chicago in my twenties, moving back to DC in my thirties, or pulling myself together and working hard to make myself a public speaker. Or helping my client to finally move on to the next level by getting him in front of a newer, better set of eyes. Like a plan to finally get some actual help in this idea of getting me certified and making the connections so that I can start doing public appearances as a person who has experienced mental illness and wants to explain why it truly is a super-power given the right opportunities. Or maybe it’s just the plans to create a new album and release it under a new name so that I can finally break free from events that changed my life, but ultimately DID NOT KILL ME only to watch those plans wither and die. Over and over again.

After a while, it becomes kind of annoying.

I made these great plans to go on this funeral march, and then come back and get to work and make plans go to fruition, and one after another, I am watching them fall apart.

And it is well and truly exhausting.

I fucking give up.

[thee30percentstudios]

Nicotine sucks.

Quitting smoking is a good thing. It’s excessively difficult, but the end result is ultimately worth it. I have tried going cold turkey this time and it never seems to work. There is always another excuse to buy a new pack of cigarettes. Something came up, the day is too hard, whatever. Always something is my point. So I decided to switch to vaping. After conferring with both my cardiologist and my general practitioner, I decided to switch to vaping and then bring the nicotine amount down slowly until I am just puffing air. Seemed like a good idea at the time…

But I didn’t realize just how many other aspects of my life the smoking effects.

I hate the smell of cigarettes. Well, to be fair, I love the smell of a freshly lit cigarette, but it rapidly deteriorates. It’s the ashes I can’t stand. They get everywhere, and as someone who wears an awful lot of black clothing, The grey ashes get on everything. I have burn holes in just about everything I own. My car is basically a big ashtray that absolutely wreaks. I hate that. So I don’t allow smoking in my home.

But when you start vaping, it smells really good. I have an e-juice that is a combination of butterscotch and fresh tobacco and I really enjoy the smell. So I am comfortable doing that inside. It makes my apartment smell like butterscotch, which I dig. But vaping inside means I don’t have to go to the store every day or two to purchase cigarettes. That means I am not going to my car (or nearby it) every hour to go smoke. I basically don’t have to go outside if I don’t want to most days, and believe me, I do Not want to go outside

I have some pretty crazy social anxiety. I am unbelievably shy. I don’t like meeting new people in general. I don’t like calling doctors to make appointments. I don’t like calling my friends and family because it mean I have to possibly, maybe, talk to people, and that means stringing words together that will make sense to other people and try to sound like I am a normal human being and that’s a difficult task for me.

I know what you’re thinking, “But Joshua, don’t you want to talk to people, in front of literal crowds of people, for a living? How does that make sense when you are an anti-social type?”

Well, yes, but no.

When I do my presentations it is a role for me. It’s a part I play and a character I portray. I am the speaker. I talk to people, but when I am done and I get back in my car I can be me again. But, while I am doing my job, I can be that guy. I can be someone else and be social and friendly and enjoy all the people I talk to. All I have to do is keep in mind, when this job is done, I can go home, smoke a bowl and turn off the phone and just chill.

Back to the problem of not smoking.

So, this last week, I have done everything I could not to leave the home. I have stayed home and done very little, I have had errands I have needed to run, but I have ignored them. I have avoided making the phone calls that I needed to make. I have needed to get groceries, and I have been just buying enough to keep me going. Not great and not ideal. I have been ignoring my blood sugar, it hasn’t been horrible, but I don’t know for sure. I’ve just been doing my best to keep busy with working on my media server. I know this is because I haven’t Had to get cigarettes.

So it’s time to knuckle down a bit. I have all the tracks written and arranged for the album. The cover and concept and sequencing are all done. I just need to finish the mastering. But in trying to do the final mastering, I discovered that my iPad is not strong enough to do the mastering I want. The FabFilter AUv3’s I got are slowing down the timing of the tracks, so I have to finish on the Laptop. Frustrating, but not a deal breaker. But it’s an excuse to do something else. So I got focused on putting metadata into al of my music videos.

I need to read the CPRS website to learn more about the certification, but I am having trouble concentrating enough to read. Probably need to accept the grief and stop getting high so early in the day. I need to make a call to get a ride home from my appointment next week. I. Need to call the vet and get Remi new food. I need to focus, and instead I am writing this.

Time to get moving, more later.

[thee30percentstudios]

an explanation

Lots of stuff going on, but I can’t really talk about it yet. Just say that I have some cool stuff coming up. I always wondered when artists would say that, but now that I’m in the position, it’s difficult to not discuss. SO I will change the subject but not the paragraph. Ha-Ha! I have been working on an archive of all the music and websites I have done, and that has forced me to do some thinking. I have hard divisions between the band names I use, but not sure I ever explained them to the world. Going to do my best to write the whole thing myself, so we’ll see how this goes…

30Percent Studios

30Percent Studios is the “record label” all of this is coming out on. It’s just a lot easier to group all of my output to one place and release that way. Not sure what this means legally, but the way I see it, it’s just me putting thing out through SoundCloud at the moment. I am dreadfully behind on releases, but this is where I would go to find the new music we are all looking for.

DubRonin & DubRonin Sound Machine

This is where I do all of my remixes and modular mayhem. The remixes that I have done so far have not been released. The original music I do through this project is intended to be the darkest and most unlistenable I might release. The St. Me album is envisioned as a horror soundtrack. My belief is that if Lord Remi X leaves the room, it might be a DubRonin album.

30Percent Sound System

These are the tracks that are made with loops and samples I purchased or purloined through various methods. This is a method I have used for years and years, but have been trying to move away from. I’m not necessarily done, but I am definitely less interested. I have set up a facebook page for this project, but haven’t been doing much with it lately.

Katharsys Industries

This is the project I am currently working the most with. The last album and the new album are released as Katharsys Industries projects. These are songs that I have written, programmed and sequenced entirely on my own. They may not be the best songs I have ever done, but they are certainly the ones I am most proud of.

Descent Psychosis

This is a dead project I started in the mid-90’s but have since abandoned. I decided to change the name because I was tired of being “Psycho-boy” and wanted to move on. While I am proud of the work done, at a certain point I needed to move on. The next move was to 30Percent Sound System, which has its own problems. How long do I want to point out my ability to dodge death?

[thee30percentstudios]

To Create vs Consume

This has been hard week; From realizing that I am grieving an awful lot from losing people, to feeling utterly defeated and lost because I’m not getting enough attention to just wanting to give up because living is just hard fucking work for some of us, I have wanted to check out multiple times. But, somehow I made it through, somehow I pressed on and found the strength to make it, and for that I am proud.

For thirty-something years I have been in awe of the creativity of the people I have surrounded myself with, and often thought we could all benefit from banding together to put forth our abilities. I have thought the internet provides us with this amazing opportunity to slip out of the bounds of geography and work together to help each other to make amazing projects and share them with the world. Yet, time and time again, nobody has any interest. They would rather focus on the creativity of others and use the connection to consume content socially. This is b beyond infuriating to me, but it is what it is, and I am starting to feel too old to do anything about it. I get that it takes a lot less energy to consume rather than create, but I have that energy. What I forget is that others do not. My father always told me that “time is the most valuable resource we have”. So I made sure in my life I was the richest man I knew. What didn’t occur to me was just how lonely it can be when you are wealthy.

I forget, more often than not, that others don’t have a stable income and the luxury of time. I forget just how valuable it can be to have no responsibilities in terms of no others depending on you, a partner that you have to pay attention to, or any of the other obligations that a job or family require. I get to do what I want all day, most days. I need to remember that. I need to remember others have lives and other friends, and don’t have the time to babysit me as much as I want. That is something I really need to work on as I try to be more social and interact with others.

I started to realize just how much I feel guilt at the death of my foster brother. I always feel like I could have. done more, I could have reached out, we could have played games, we could have connected, but I let him slip through the cracks, I didn’t check up on him as much as I should have. I know I fucked up. There’s always the shoulda coulda woulda of the thing. There always will be, and it just hurts. It’s just part of the process.

So the sadness took over a few times. The guilt, the anger, the grief.

Fortunately I had people to catch me when I fell, and I’m thankful for those people.

But the fact of the matter is most of this week was spent watching TV because I felt like “If I don’t care about listening to my music, why would anybody else?” I know I want to do this because it has to come out. I want to do it because it makes me happy, and the truth is sometimes it hurts too much to create. Sometimes facing your feelings and allowing yourself to admit that you feel responsible for people leaving is just too much. I can talk about it because words disappear, but that music is forever, and nobody can know what an instrumental means, it’s my own secret confession. Consuming, doom scrolling, letting the algorithm give me a slow morphine drip of unrepentant fear is easier than confessing to how much it all hurts sometimes. To how much I want to quit and just be numbed.

[thee30percentstudios]

Updates and an apology.

Recently I have made some pretty amazing changes to improve my quality of life and get more and better stuff done. I started a group chat to stay in touch with non-local friends. I reached out to start the training for the peer specialist certificate and I did an awful lot of work on the musical side of things. While I was in Ohio I made the decision to go ahead and put my tracks back on streaming services. Don’t know what that means for the LP’s, EPs and single I had already put out, but the new stuff should be ready when it’s ready.

Starting a group chat with friends is always an anxiety filled event for me. I feel like most people get annoyed by this sort of thing, so I worry about that. I worry about my contributions to the group. The other night I felt like I got way too excited and kind of bulldozed the chat with my music and my links. Kind of overshared more than I meant to and sent way too much to others. I wasn’t Listening to the others, just telling them what to hear. Not a great start.

I reached out to see about getting started on the Peer Recovery Specialist Certificate. I sent the email a week ago, haven’t heard anything back yet. I’m sure it takes time, I’m just excited to get moving. I scheduled a training to get an update for the Peer To Peer I teach for NAMI. I hope that can count towards some of the volunteer albums I need. Just kind of signing up for all my options hoping some of them work. We’ll see how that goes.

Then there is the music. Eight tracks I think are finished. I Hope are finished. I worked out a new one called “Snakepit” I am particularly happy with yesterday. Very different than the others, but big and wonderful in a way I really like. Would love to get a real guitarist to play on it, but those are hard to come by for me. The rest of the tracks were re-working demos in to better, final forms. Very happy with the results so far. Think some of these could stand up to vocals, but again, hard to come by. But yeah, this new album is good, I think.

I decided to go back to streaming because it seems most of the people I would want to share with don’t do physical media. Jeebus. I just won’t even comment on how utterly fucking wrong that is. Not everyone can do vinyl. Not everyone Wants to do vinyl. The older tracks I think either have to be changed or I need to look into re-releasing. May just put them all together as some greatest hits or something. Or may even just let them go. If anyone cares, let me know, otherwise I think I get to be the only person who has them, and I don’t want to be bothered unless somebody else cares.

[thee30percentstudios]

Playlists and publicity

On this page, you will find a comprehensive list of playlists available for public access. Jkhinzman, a seasoned DJ and playlist creator, has dedicated his career to creating a curated collection of his preferred playlists, organized by the respective streaming service they are hosted on.

SPoTIFY -

Blazers & Boots is a playlist described as “When people get old and write slow music” it has a mellow post-goth kind of feel.

[thee30percentstudios]

Sad but determined

I met Brandon Roberts the last day of school in sixth grade. We became fast friends, spent a lot of middle school hanging out playing role-playing games and generally being buddy’s with some of the other friends we made in comic book club at school. But first my grandmother died, then my other best friend moved to Columbus and then Brandon was going to have to move to Ohio as well.

I spoke to my mom, we decided to foster Brandon my freshman year and he moved in. The first year he introduced me to all his friends. I introduced him to my family and my church which I was a big on back then. We were inseparable for a long, long time.

But as time went on, we grew apart. Then Brandon turned eighteen, and he was just living with us. No longer a foster. But he was still my brother, even if it was strained.

Over the decades we would get in touch, chat for a bit, re-affirm we were brothers and float through life. When I would visit Ohio later in life I would try to visit him where I could. I remember we went a big convention in Columbus a while ago. It was a lot of fun, I met a bunch of friends of his. He walked slow. He had a lot of health issues, but we had fun.

The last few times I saw him, I watched him decline. Until I saw him on the funeral march for dad, when I could tell he was done. He was living on borrowed time at this point. I confronted him that I thought he had given up. I didn’t know how little time he had left. I wanted him to wake up, but I also very much understood where he was at. You have to decide to live if you have enough problems. I don’t think he ever decided that was what he wanted.

Brandon Died Saturday night. I will miss him. I’m tired of people dying that I care for. I know I am reaching the age where that happens. It doesn’t make it better or easier. The grief is not quite settling in. I can’t make it real in my head. But I know it’s true. He’s gone. More family and friends gone.

On thee good side of life, though…

First, here’s some photos from the funeral march. Mostly taken by the Dred Pyr8 Roberts, with some by me and some by Martin. The photos of me in the studio are probably the happiest you will ever see me. They cover a lot of the trip, but not all of it.

I have been thinking an awful lot about who I surround myself with. I’m tired of fighting for attention from friends who are too busy to hang out or return calls. People who would rather tear me down than lift us all up. What’s the point in chasing people who have no interest in coming through on plans. Surround yourself with dogs, you can’t be surprised you end up with fleas.

This week I start looking in to what all it takes to get this certificate, start planning the next trip to Chicago and get to work on finishing up the next album. I got a lot to do. Talk to you soon.

[thee30percentstudios]

DeathMarch 2026 - a debrief.

I really want to get into what this trip meant to me before I start spouting specifics. A lot of the specifics are things I can probably share, but don’t necessarily want to because of how much they meant to me. This trip was a total mind fuck and utter shot in the self-confidence centers of my brain. It is very important to state how I view friendships, relationships and acquaintances and the lack of self esteem I have kind of always had. I used to be amazed at how my Dad could be so sure of himself when talking about his job, but then just assume that nobody enjoyed his presence in a room, until I looked in the mirror…

My first stop didn’t go great. I felt like I was more of an inconvenience and distraction than welcome guest. I’ll just leave it at that.

Destination Two

My second stop was exactly the kind of buffer that I needed between the first stop and the rest of the trip. Just getting everything out of my head that needed to be out; Discussing the first stop and the excitement of the rest of it. Applying the breaks to the emotional drag race I was about to participate in. I was terribly excited, but also very nervous…I was going to be crashing three of my most important social circles in to each other and while I was pretty sure it would be alright, you just never know.

In addition to all of that, I hadn’t been back to Chicago in thirty years. I know cities grow and change, but what was I facing? Would I run into the people that I used to know? Would I recognize the people I needed to? It was a lot to process. I felt like it was all going to be alright in the end, but that doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be wrinkles. I went to a wedding once and at the dinner after a fight very nearly broke out. You don’t expect that. Hell, I went to a state mental hospital once and a prison riot broke out. Who the fuck knows what will happen in life, mine just has a tendency to be chaotic, no matter how many drama queens I throw out. So, I was jittery; I won’t say I was anxious, but I was getting there. Like having drunk an extra cup of coffee I didn’t need.

As I was driving to my third destination, I had the thought that Ohio was no longer an option for me. That was a VERY new thought to me. One I was definitely proud of.

Destination Three

Getting to Akron was an interesting stop. I enjoy the folks I know there, but we have such different tastes and interests. But we have decades of history and a friendship bond that has been through some shit. Mostly good shit, but we’ve been out of touch more or less for a while. Haven’t had more than a few hours together for years. I didn’t know quite what to expect beyond it would be fine. Dred has grown a lot thanks to becoming Clown Jesus now. It has helped him to really spread his wings and fly, and he has the perfect partner to help him with that. He’s made some choices I would not have, but those differences are what makes a really solid friend. Different enough to have some deep conversations, similar enough to share a lot of views on life.

He’s always been someone I could depend on, but this trip glued us together again. We used to go to Chicago together for our duties as field reps, and it just seemed perfect to have him there for going to the museum of post punk and industrial for the first time for both of us. Plus, he was someone I knew I could trust to be respectful of the trip and what I was trying to do. This was to honor my father, so I had certain things I absolutely needed to do.

The drive to Chicago was full of deep conversation re-affirming our friendship, bringing each other up to date on current events in our lives (although NGL, It was mostly about me. I had to info dump so I could be a good listener. I hate that about me, but it is who I am) and excitement for all the things we were going to be doing. I have to give Dred a Fuck ton of credit, he did all the driving on the Chicago leg, paid for meals and gas and über, and listened to me trying to regulate through all of this.

Destination Four

So one of my bigger faults, IMHO, is how I put the people I most respect and admire up on a pedestal. I know I do this, I’m working on it. While this applies to rawk stars and the like for sure, it also applies to friends and some people I have known for far too long. Part of the work I have been doing in therapy is to understand the value I bring to the table and see it as every bit as important.

But if you knew all the people I was going to be seeing in Chicago and the many ways they have had an effect on my life, I think you might understand.

These included some of my longest lasting friendships, rawk stars, and people I had been speaking to on the internet, but never actually met, for thirty-something years. Some of these friendships are older than my son, and he was born when I eighteen. I have the utmost respect for all of them and put them in the minor deity category of friendships. People I have no business knowing, let alone considering them friends. I knew that I was a jiggly puff mess inside because I would be seeing them in one fucking weekend. I wanted to explode from the thrill of seeing them all. In person. and on top of that, I was about to see the museum and stay at the mother trucking AirBnb above the freaking museum!!! To say this was a big deal to me doesn’t even begin to describe it.

From the moment I left the car in Chicago to the moment I got back in to leave, Just fucking next level. I realized I have to cut this “I don’t matter” shit out. I have never felt so loved and cared for in as long as I can remember. For fuck’s sake, I was served cappuccinos twice in one weekend by a grammy winning drummer! Did I mention I’m just some schmuck from the suburbs of the nations capitol?!? I am a nobdy, and yet I was introduced to more people than I can count as somebody who matters just because I had never been in the same room as one of my friends for thirty years! The absolute excitement on their faces, just to see me was crazy! I came to the conclusion that I am underselling myself. People actually like me. I’m not always wrong when I feel like people tend to like me. They watch out for me. They take time to stop what they are doing to give me a hug good bye. They tell me how much they miss me, and how much they really want me to move closer. They look for opportunities to advance my career.

I am cared for.

There were so many experiences in Chicago that made me want to move back. I’m not sure I won’t; I definitely want to. I miss that life, and this was an experience that told me after I take care of building up myself and getting myself a life I can be proud of, that’s a life I could have again. I really thought it was over, I thought I fucked everything up. I’ve been beating the crap out of myself for thirty years for being a loser, but maybe I’m not. CLEARLY I am not, because despite my best efforts, people that I respect and admire miss me when I am gone.

I am special.

I get privileges others do not because I try my best to be someone people invite back.

And it has really paid off…

Destination Five

Coming back to Ohio was difficult. I really, really, really didn’t want the dream to end. It was so much better than I had even hoped for. But fortunately Dave’s was an amazing buffer. He listened to my excitement. He shares it with me. It’s not what he wants for himself, but he’s a good enough friend to understand what it means to me. He has great taste in food. We ate a lot. I didn’t go high with my blood sugar. We chatted. He shared his big news, and I am so psyched for him.

I saw my foster brother. I am deeply worried about him. I don’t like where he is at, but I can’t do much about it, other than be the best brother he can hope for. It’s always a pleasure to spend time with him. He was happy for me. I’ll do what I can for him but it’s up to him.

I saw my first roommate. Always a joy. He is still one of the weirdest people I know, and I love that about him. Just a wonderful human being. I shared all the good news and some of the bad. We had frou-frou pizza, and it was delicious. I miss him, but stopping by when I am in Ohio is always a pleasure.

Final thoughts

I see a path forward that is going to not only help me to achieve many of the goals that I want to accomplish, but some that I just didn’t think possible. I feel recharged. I feel like I matter. If I could do that trip every month until I could figure out how to make Chicago a second or first home, I would be happy, even with all the driving.

So totally, utterly worth it. If any of the participants of the Death March are reading this, know that I love all of you, and I can never thank you enough for all you do. You are some of my favorite people on this planet, and I am both honored and thrilled that each of you are my friends. I can never repay you, but I can be happy that I know you and share my gratitude with you.

For the people I didn’t see, you’re not excluded, I just needed to pace myself. I will see you at some point. This trip taught me that I don’t need to see all of you every time I come to Ohio, I need to do a rotation for maximum enjoyment. I will get to you eventually, but know that I miss you too.

This was a trip that I don’t know that my dad would have enjoyed. It would have been very different had he have been there, but, damn, I had a great time. I miss you dad, and I thank you so much for making this possible!

[thee30percentstudios]

Sorry for the interruption

In two days I will be leaving to go on what I am calling a death march for my father. While the main goal of this trip is to go to the Museum of Post Punk and Industrial in Chicago, Il, I will also be visiting some friends and family along the way. Before my father died, he asked me to travel as much as possible with my inheritance, so this feels very much like the right thing to do. I believe very much in this museum and supporting it where possible. I also very much wanted to take my dad to the museum and Chicago in general, and this was a trip I had discussed with him. I also had very much wanted my father to meet Mr. Martin Atkins so he could see where and how I spent a lot of my twenties, and what had inspired me to leave the safety of home and move half way across the country. The eight months in Chicago very much altered the trajectory of my life, and I daresay Mr. Atkins has been a friend and mentor of mine since the Nineties.

While heading out there in the car my dad gave to me, I will need to stop in Ohio to break up the drive. I have decided not to see any obligations, only people I really want to see. I then decided to only see people who bring me an awful lot of joy and/or those I would have liked my father to meet. I have been going to Ohio for the majority of my life and have made quite a few friends out there and my trips have become increasingly stressful as I try to wrangle as many visits into as short a time as possible. This means I usually need a vacation from my vacations as by the time I get home my social battery is utterly drained and I have no desire to see any humans for quite a while after I get home.

When this trip is done I will be throwing myself into getting a peer recovery specialist certification so as to boost my standing in the speaker and panel community. I really want to start speaking for events not related to NAMI. It’s not that I dislike NAMI, I just would like top get paid so I can develop a career using my talents to get what I want. This is an incredibly exciting time for me. I am so hopeful for the rest of my life. I have never been more excited about MY future. Maybe not the rest of the world, as I’m pretty sure this is the world circling the drain, but I do think my life is about to get exceedingly interesting.

As all of this is going on, I will probably not be writing in this blog for the next week or four, as I need to focus on IRL. But I will be back, as I am very excited to share the stories and experiences I am about to get into. This is not the end. This is one chapter closing, and a much better one starting. I believe I have an album finished, and as soon as I can get my shit together, I think it will be up on BandCamp. I am really proud of the sonic texture of this next album, it is very different than what I have done before, a focus on melodies and emotions, rather than just a series of soundscapes I made.

I thank you so much for reading my thoughts and supporting me over the last few months. Please keep an eye out for when I am back, as I am hoping to have photos, videos and stories to share. Interesting only starts to cover it. I am literally shaking in anticipation…

[thee30percentstudios]

It happened again.

Just relaxing in my home, waiting patiently for the live stream, and I got a message. Only this time I was exceedingly high and thought the message was from another friend regarding my upcoming pilgrimage to Mecha, but instead I thought I was getting a duplicate link to the live stream. So I responded with a “well actually, I bought my tickets ahead of time”… Not realizing it was the drummer from the livestream. Smooth move. Perhaps I am developing a problem with my intoxications. Might need to think about that one for a while…

The Flowers Of Romance, revisited My word, this performance was great. I so wish I could have been there for this one. Chris Connelly does an amazing John Lydon impersonation. There was a moment where he was just staring out at the camera and I burst out laughing. It was just too perfect. The stream was really well done, with multiple cameras and all that. Sound was a bit quiet, but overall truly enjoyed the whole thing. Really liked watching them enjoy the show, and would definitely watch again.

The opening band, Ganzer, made more sense this time. Was not my cup of tea, but could totally see why someone else would enjoy it. It may have just been because I was paying more attention this time. There were some good songs and a something that struck me as a jam session, but was more enjoyable than last time. Kind of a jazzy-indie vibe, and interesting in a way. It’s not my genre of choice, but I could see where others would enjoy it quite a bit. Very post-punk, if you will…

Martin did a bit of speaking in between the bands, but because the volume was so low, I just couldn’t hear him properly. Don’t know if the stream was quiet or my headphones were, but I missed it. That kind of annoyed me, but I took that as a problem with my hearing, not with the evening.

Then the moment of my excitement began. It was so enjoyable. My one complaint was The bass had too much fuzz on “Banging The Door”, but jeebus, the rest of it was amazing. It is such a experimental album, so many crazy choices, and to see it on stage was incredible. Just so well done. They were all in the groove on a bunch of songs that are not easy to play, let alone do live. So very impressed with the whole thing. Ten out of ten, would totally recommend!

I have never made any bones about how much I enjoy watching Martin play drums. I don’t understand how he does the things he does, all while chewing gum. To see him playing “Under The House” was sheer joy. Really made me happy. That is just a sick beat. I complain a lot about watching my favorite bands getting older, but All Of Them just fucking Nailed this show. As I sat watching it, I found myself enjoying the live versions more than the recorded ones, an unheard of feat. Track 8 and Hymie’s Hymm really stuck out to me as favorites of transformation, so well done…

Other Stuff I spent a lot of this week thinking of how touched my life has been. I made the mistake thinking I was texting Jeff instead of Martin because I still don’t honestly believe that rock stars message me. It’s been 31 years at this point, I should probably get used to it. Talking to the Dred Pyr8 about him being recognized as Clown Jesus at a vampire bar in New Orleans, just had the reaction “Of course you did”…because this is what happens.

This week was the anniversary of my Dad’s passing. Really miss the old guy, and had some very sad moments this week, but am very proud of how I am doing. The plan stands. I will do this trip through Ohio to Chicago. I will visit with some friends and family. Then I will come back and get started on getting certified and becoming a public personality. This shall come to pass.

Got quite a few tracks together and really like how the new album is turning out. Going to try and listen a few times and decide whether to put it up on BandCamp this time. Not expecting a lot out of it in terms of people noticing it, but I really dig the new sound, kind of going for a cross between Leftfield and Skinny Puppy. An odd mix to be sure, but one I am really digging. I listened to the whole thing yesterday, there’s a few things to be ironed out, but it sounds really good to me. Can’t wait to play it for friends when I go out west!

Anywho, it’s been a good week, love keeping up this momentum…

[thee30percentstudios]

Ethics And Civility

When the Faygo Fascist came to power the first time, my major concern was not just that this was somebody who was utterly unqualified for the job, but the fact that more than anything he was just crass on a demeaning level. He wasn’t somebody who gave off any notion of a President to me. Let alone the president of the United States. They had always been some member of the ruling class, but this was a slumlord who had been given the keys to not just the palace, but. Also the decision-making abilities for all of us. In his second run at ruining us all (minus his Epstein-class cronies), it was clear from the start that he had no intent on being a leader to all of us, but only a god to those in his cult-like following. He dressed himself in all the vagaries of what is now considered “Christian”, which has absolutely fuck all to do with following the words of Christ. No, now they just want all the shades of color out of the country so we can finally find out once and for all that it is the white people who have been fucking it all for all of us all along.

My big concern upon the mango Mussolini’s return has certainly been on full display. Etiquette and decorum have left our once great institutions. Congressmen and Senators have boldly displayed their inability to stand up to any of the -isms so prevalent in conservative politics. They have cheered on as they gave up the entire purpose of their jobs. They are ALL chickenshits who are overpaid yes men. We are in a war that less than a third of the country supports, just so our dear, demented, narcissistic, pathetic president won’t go to jail.

AGAIN!!

Why are there no provisions keeping a felon with 34 counts against him from holding any public office? Where are the term limits? Where in the name of Bob The Destroyer are the AGE limits on these tired ass ancient old white men who couldn’t jump if their millions depended on it??? Why has nobody stood up to a fat man built on McDonalds and told him he is much more prone to sleep than his predecessor? Why has he been allowed to enrich himself and his family to the tune of billions and nobody stopped him? Why have world leaders let him run roughshod all over the world economy without any meaningful pushback?

Because the ruling class does not give one single stringy shit about you, me or anyone else who isn’t a billionaire, sharing it with all the other elites.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE REVOLUTIONARIES WHEN YOU NEED THEM??!!??

All social morés relax over time. When I was a child, I always wondered what this blow job was and why everyone on TV was so desperate to get one. Now it’s all butt stuff (Ewww!). Everything has to be some sort of degrading joke on someone. (Enjoy you’re pink eye, you pervert)Trolls are just soooooooooooooooooo hilarious. Go on the internet and make racist comments to the rest of the world because it’s just the internet, nobody will ever find out. (Until you get cancelled) We just don’t seem to care about others anymore, and if you do, it’s considered a weakness. Our secretary of war/ defense Herr Kegsbreath is blatantly advertising war crimes as a reason to join That man’s Army. Why?

Just… why?

What in the actual fuck happened to this 3rd rate medium power that we have become. We can’t even win a war anymore, even with our dictator in chief trying so very hard to cheat.

Unless the pathetic bag of old man diseases chickens out again.

[thee30percentstudios]

Progress Bar incoming

I find it much more difficult to write when I am happy. I was looking for something to write about as inspiration And so went back and read the last four entries to see what I had said. Funny How a week can change things. Much better mood this week. Probably has a lot to do with no plans for the next few weeks until I leave for my trip, but also has a to do with seeing a way out of all of this that doesn’t end up with me sleeping with the fishes or assuming a new identity. A healthy alternative, who knew??

That change in perspective has left me feeling fairly good this week. I’m still done with Apple software, but I had a bunch of alternatives that work really well, and now have four songs ready to go as of this morning.They are quite a bit of a change from my usual fare in that they strike me as sounding a bit like Twitch-era Ministry. Which, I am pretty excited about. Not quite as ominous sounding as I would like, but a very interesting diversion for the time being.

Rather than isolating and self-medicating far too much I have been getting out more by myself, and talking a lot on the phone. Planning trip things, post-trip things and other good bits. But most importantly, just being social and enjoying it! That’s been pretty cool. I like my people, just not most people. I even did a video chat with someone super special. I HATE video chats, but sometimes, you have to bend the rules for the VIPs.

I even see the path forward for me to start my talking business ventures and doing that as a professional. It’s freaking time. I’m tired of sitting around waiting for things to drop in my lap because my daddy died. It’s time to start making things happen. So there is trainings and certifications coming and all kinds of good things just over the horizon. The golden age of liquid presence is here, get ready to be showered!

Wait, that sounds bad.

In any case, I’m ready to start manifesting myself now.

[thee30percentstudios]

Checking something

[thee30percentstudios]

Content V Art

One of the things I am really starting to see clearly now is that when Apple uses Pro and/or Creator in the title, what they really mean is helping average consumers to make YouTube and Instagram content. Not movies, not videos, but content. A thing to be commoditized and consumed while doomscrolling. That is not to say there isn’t good content, there certainly is, but Content is not art. These are apps that are meant to create really pretty versions of consumer projects. (Think of people who have never heard of Quark making certificates for their elementary school aged children). These are not bad inherently, but they are not meant for professionals, and are not meant to be art in the traditional sense.

There used to be a designation of prosumers that Apple was catering to with the iWork and iLife apps. Not bad ideas, but they also had actual pro apps in the form of Aperture and Final Cut Pro, for example, that were used by people who knew what they were doing. They would also sell hardware that had Pro in the name that were truly meaty machines that had actual power that was better than the consumer based hardware. Now we have hardware priced for people with more money then sense, or for actual Studios that would use other software not made by Apple.

I’ve had enough. It is fairly clear to me I am not the target audience anymore. I am trying to create art, be it music, video or language, and Apple does not want me as a customer anymore. So I moved to all of the other software that does what I need it to do. Goodbye Logic, Final Cut and Pixelmator. Hello Da Vinci, Ableton and Affinity (before they got bought by Canva, I will use the products I paid for until they die). Back to using Reason and Live on the laptop to do my mastering. I am using Cubasis and GrooveRider II on the iPad for DAW and Groovebox. AUM for jamming and starting songs. I’m going full Resolve on the iPad and desktop. I suppose I’m stuck using Lightroom until I can find a better alternative. (FUCK ADOBE TWICE)

I will not be silenced, but I will use better software. And if an OS can win me over I will change in a heartbeat, because Tim Apple clearly wants neither my devotion. or money, because I can’t afford the all powerful Apple stock.

[thee30percentstudios]

New Rule For me: If I spend more time fightinbg the software than using the software than it goes off the iPad nd back to the junk pile. I’m looking at you Logic! It really shouldn’t be this hard to bend you to my will so I can make some music!

[thee30percentstudios]

Just about enough.

When was the last time you wanted to pay a subscription?

When was the last time you coughed up money to pay for something, and were genuinely happy to give the company your cash? I have been working on music again, and I also decided to do the Creative subscription that Apple was offering. I thought that the twelve dollars a month was not that much different than what I was already paying to have the apps on my iPad. I have been moving most of my creative stuff to the iPad, especially for music. I have way more soft synths and plugins on the iPad, due to their affordability. Also, my experience is that when you transfer from desktop to iPad in Logic Pro or the other way around, it destroys the timing in your songs and causes all sorts of issues.

Add to that whatever it is that is keeping Final Cut from launching on my laptop (as far as I can tell it’s an AUv3 issue on the laptop) and I decided paying the $12 a month is not that much more than paying five bucks a piece per month for Final Cut and Logic and then you get Pixelmator pro for another two dollars. It seemed like a good deal. I’ve been using it for two months now, and I have some thoughts.

Logic is working very hard to please everyone now. The loops idea that they have had to turn it into a semi- groovebox/Ableton clone is an interesting idea. But when you start using it, I have noticed it is just not as good as any of the options that it is trying to steal from. It doesn’t do the timing as well, it hasn’t been friendly with MIDI controllers for Ableton until very recently, and with that it covers like 75% of the functionality, maybe. But then I tried using Logic on the iPad by itself, and it just doesn’t work. Rendering songs seem to always be improperly balanced (it seems to move the center of the stereo field halfway to the right, so sometimes nothing is coming out of the left speaker) It’s a toss up whether your going to do the whole song that you asked for, or part of it, or none of it. This morning I hit my limit with Logic. I’ve had it.

Final Cut on the iPad is nice, but it’s for absolutely nothing more than cutting. No FX, no nothing else. But it is nice to cut on. So why am I paying extra for this? I guess just the ability to launch the app, which is more than what works on the desktop.

So I find myself in this weird state now, I always felt like Apple provided the tools to save my life, but now I hate using my iPhone. Every time I try to use it I seem to press some icon or switch I didn’t mean to. If I pull my AirPods out, music starts playing. If I set my phone on the table, my camera opens up. I don’t spend time on my laptop anymore because everything is too much work to get to a place where I can do something creative. I am constantly seeing ads for other Apple services. If I use those services I end up getting ads for an upsell. I’m tired of it. I already gave you all of my money, what more do you want from me? The finder used to be a friend who brought me great thing to see, hear and do. Now it’s an adversary making sure I know all the ways I could give more money.

Anyways, I’m tired and annoyed and thinking about changing things.

[thee30percentstudios]

Not a great day

to my mind, Amongst the most repulsive bullshit the Mental wealth industrial complex has created is the Toxic positivity mindset. The idea that when feeling emotions judged as negative by the granola munching overlords what one should do is run away from those emotions by simply feeling better, “staying positive” by smiling more and/or extremely light exercise like going for a walk, or meditating SOLELY to make one happy again. As some one who is prone to these “negative” emotions I offer the words of Jung (who provides his own problems, but I like the quote):

“How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also If I am to be whole.” -C.G.Jung Modern Man In Search Of A Soul

I don’t think one has to be in the shadows all of the time, but the idea of judging emotions as positive or negative is something I see causing more trouble than helping. By running away from say, anger, sadness, or grief, I am lengthening the time I will experience those hard emotions. I am NOT accepting them, allowing them and then feeling them for a natural length. I am instead making them worse, by adding fear and/or anger to them as I try to run away from these emotions. When I could just accept that is what I am feeling and moving on. As someone who has a very hard time letting go of things, my goal is to allow my feelings to be noticed and then let go, not judge them and sort them and put them in my inbox so I can’t see anything else but this package of crap I have to deal with before I can get back to being my usual self. I will readily admit (as well as ANYBODY who spends time with me will attest to..) I am not there yet. I am still judging emotions and holding them in a strangle hold that is probably a war crime. BUT

I am trying to get there

I see that I am getting better over time, mostly because others have been reminding me, but over time there is improvement. I don’t have a problem with trying to keep above ground. I don’t think there is an issue with trying to see the good in a given situation, but the idea that my day to day struggles are going to be made better by ignoring the frustration of the current landscape I live in is preposterous. There is a fair amount of stupid shit going on in the world and it is effecting my life now.

When I first learned how to really use the Mac, became a power user if you will, it was a salvation for me. The idea that everything boiled down to a zero or one was extremely comforting to me. Becoming someone who knew just enough to be really dangerous was a crown I was proud to wear. Apple provided an operating system that was easy to learn on, and kept me coming back for more power moves because they made sense and they were just difficult enough to be challenging. I loved the system and on more than one occasion claimed they had saved my life, along with Dave, but that’s another story. Sort of.

They’ve lost that. The enshitification of Apple is undeniable. The enshitification of everything is undeniable, but this one has been particularly painful for me. I have tried Several Linux distros over the decades and yes, it is much better, but it’s not there yet. And just fuck microslop. Never had an interest, never will. So that’s been under my skin.

The political situation is…No point. You either get it or you don’t and I’m tired of emotional compensation from empathy.

My level of boredom and loneliness is only getting worse as we approach the anniversary of losing Dad and my most recent mentor, Walter. I know it’s grief that has put an extra layer of mud on my usual mud cake of emotions, it still hurts.

No food sounds good to me. Most of the time. I’m pretty sure I am far too poor to be a foodie, but I do love cooking, usually. I do love to eat, usually. But lately everything just sounds gross. My good friend took me out for sushi Saturday night. I could taste it was really, really good sushi, but it didn’t excite me. It didn’t give me the sushi dance. I tried to dance, but I couldn’t feel it right.

I know, sounds like classic depression, right? Said mental wealth industrial complex would tell me to up my anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. FUCK THAT. I’m not doing the medication change rollercoaster of crap unless I have to. We’re not there yet. My life is NOT in danger, so NO. I won’t be doing that.

JUST YET.

I miss them. I swear every paragraph in my head includes a mention of either dad or walter. I can’t get into my car without apologizing to my dad for slamming the car door so much. Every time I walk into my apartment, I see the bass my brother got me because he promised Walter he would, and I wish he was here to teach me. To listen to the music. To hang out with.

Or just to be my friend again…

But they’re gone, aren’t they? Just like Laurie. I was just starting to not hurt as much about Laurie and now it’s all wrapped up together in one. One big ball of sadness I am just trying to get through. Like a big block of cheese. You enjoyed it at first. The memories that came back. The taste. But after a few weeks, you reach that point where you start thinking the next person to offer me gouda gets a pimp slap.

Anyhow, Fuck being positive! The fact of the matter is that right now I feel pretty low, and the forecast doesn’t look much better until April. On the 10th they are doing Flowers Of Romance at Reggies. That’s the anniversary. That’s my favorite PiL album by far and one my favorite albums period. I don’t care about any other parts, I just want to hear the drums on Four enclosed Walls…

In my whole body.

Live.

Fuck me, I hate living here.