DeathMarch 2026 - a debrief.
I really want to get into what this trip meant to me before I start spouting specifics. A lot of the specifics are things I can probably share, but donāt necessarily want to because of how much they meant to me. This trip was a total mind fuck and utter shot in the self-confidence centers of my brain. It is very important to state how I view friendships, relationships and acquaintances and the lack of self esteem I have kind of always had. I used to be amazed at how my Dad could be so sure of himself when talking about his job, but then just assume that nobody enjoyed his presence in a room, until I looked in the mirrorā¦
My first stop didnāt go great. I felt like I was more of an inconvenience and distraction than welcome guest. Iāll just leave it at that.
My second stop was exactly the kind of buffer that I needed between the first stop and the rest of the trip. Just getting everything out of my head that needed to be out; Discussing the first stop and the excitement of the rest of it. Applying the breaks to the emotional drag race I was about to participate in. I was terribly excited, but also very nervousā¦I was going to be crashing three of my most important social circles in to each other and while I was pretty sure it would be alright, you just never know.
In addition to all of that, I hadnāt been back to Chicago in thirty years. I know cities grow and change, but what was I facing? Would I run into the people that I used to know? Would I recognize the people I needed to? It was a lot to process. I felt like it was all going to be alright in the end, but that doesnāt mean there wouldnāt be wrinkles. I went to a wedding once and at the dinner after a fight very nearly broke out. You donāt expect that. Hell, I went to a state mental hospital once and a prison riot broke out. Who the fuck knows what will happen in life, mine just has a tendency to be chaotic, no matter how many drama queens I throw out. So, I was jittery; I wonāt say I was anxious, but I was getting there. Like having drunk an extra cup of coffee I didnāt need.
As I was driving to my third destination, I had the thought that Ohio was no longer an option for me. That was a VERY new thought to me. One I was definitely proud of.
Getting to Akron was an interesting stop. I enjoy the folks I know there, but we have such different tastes and interests. But we have decades of history and a friendship bond that has been through some shit. Mostly good shit, but weāve been out of touch more or less for a while. Havenāt had more than a few hours together for years. I didnāt know quite what to expect beyond it would be fine. Dred has grown a lot thanks to becoming Clown Jesus now. It has helped him to really spread his wings and fly, and he has the perfect partner to help him with that. Heās made some choices I would not have, but those differences are what makes a really solid friend. Different enough to have some deep conversations, similar enough to share a lot of views on life.
Heās always been someone I could depend on, but this trip glued us together again. We used to go to Chicago together for our duties as field reps, and it just seemed perfect to have him there for going to the museum of post punk and industrial for the first time for both of us. Plus, he was someone I knew I could trust to be respectful of the trip and what I was trying to do. This was to honor my father, so I had certain things I absolutely needed to do.
The drive to Chicago was full of deep conversation re-affirming our friendship, bringing each other up to date on current events in our lives (although NGL, It was mostly about me. I had to info dump so I could be a good listener. I hate that about me, but it is who I am) and excitement for all the things we were going to be doing. I have to give Dred a Fuck ton of credit, he did all the driving on the Chicago leg, paid for meals and gas and über, and listened to me trying to regulate through all of this.
So one of my bigger faults, IMHO, is how I put the people I most respect and admire up on a pedestal. I know I do this, Iām working on it. While this applies to rawk stars and the like for sure, it also applies to friends and some people I have known for far too long. Part of the work I have been doing in therapy is to understand the value I bring to the table and see it as every bit as important.
But if you knew all the people I was going to be seeing in Chicago and the many ways they have had an effect on my life, I think you might understand.
These included some of my longest lasting friendships, rawk stars, and people I had been speaking to on the internet, but never actually met, for thirty-something years. Some of these friendships are older than my son, and he was born when I eighteen. I have the utmost respect for all of them and put them in the minor deity category of friendships. People I have no business knowing, let alone considering them friends. I knew that I was a jiggly puff mess inside because I would be seeing them in one fucking weekend. I wanted to explode from the thrill of seeing them all. In person. and on top of that, I was about to see the museum and stay at the mother trucking AirBnb above the freaking museum!!! To say this was a big deal to me doesnāt even begin to describe it.
From the moment I left the car in Chicago to the moment I got back in to leave, Just fucking next level. I realized I have to cut this āI donāt matterā shit out. I have never felt so loved and cared for in as long as I can remember. For fuckās sake, I was served cappuccinos twice in one weekend by a grammy winning drummer! Did I mention Iām just some schmuck from the suburbs of the nations capitol?!? I am a nobdy, and yet I was introduced to more people than I can count as somebody who matters just because I had never been in the same room as one of my friends for thirty years! The absolute excitement on their faces, just to see me was crazy! I came to the conclusion that I am underselling myself. People actually like me. Iām not always wrong when I feel like people tend to like me. They watch out for me. They take time to stop what they are doing to give me a hug good bye. They tell me how much they miss me, and how much they really want me to move closer. They look for opportunities to advance my career.
There were so many experiences in Chicago that made me want to move back. Iām not sure I wonāt; I definitely want to. I miss that life, and this was an experience that told me after I take care of building up myself and getting myself a life I can be proud of, thatās a life I could have again. I really thought it was over, I thought I fucked everything up. Iāve been beating the crap out of myself for thirty years for being a loser, but maybe Iām not. CLEARLY I am not, because despite my best efforts, people that I respect and admire miss me when I am gone.
I get privileges others do not because I try my best to be someone people invite back.
And it has really paid offā¦
Coming back to Ohio was difficult. I really, really, really didnāt want the dream to end. It was so much better than I had even hoped for. But fortunately Daveās was an amazing buffer. He listened to my excitement. He shares it with me. Itās not what he wants for himself, but heās a good enough friend to understand what it means to me. He has great taste in food. We ate a lot. I didnāt go high with my blood sugar. We chatted. He shared his big news, and I am so psyched for him.
I saw my foster brother. I am deeply worried about him. I donāt like where he is at, but I canāt do much about it, other than be the best brother he can hope for. Itās always a pleasure to spend time with him. He was happy for me. Iāll do what I can for him but itās up to him.
I saw my first roommate. Always a joy. He is still one of the weirdest people I know, and I love that about him. Just a wonderful human being. I shared all the good news and some of the bad. We had frou-frou pizza, and it was delicious. I miss him, but stopping by when I am in Ohio is always a pleasure.
I see a path forward that is going to not only help me to achieve many of the goals that I want to accomplish, but some that I just didnāt think possible. I feel recharged. I feel like I matter. If I could do that trip every month until I could figure out how to make Chicago a second or first home, I would be happy, even with all the driving.
So totally, utterly worth it. If any of the participants of the Death March are reading this, know that I love all of you, and I can never thank you enough for all you do. You are some of my favorite people on this planet, and I am both honored and thrilled that each of you are my friends. I can never repay you, but I can be happy that I know you and share my gratitude with you.
For the people I didnāt see, youāre not excluded, I just needed to pace myself. I will see you at some point. This trip taught me that I donāt need to see all of you every time I come to Ohio, I need to do a rotation for maximum enjoyment. I will get to you eventually, but know that I miss you too.
This was a trip that I donāt know that my dad would have enjoyed. It would have been very different had he have been there, but, damn, I had a great time. I miss you dad, and I thank you so much for making this possible!