What did you like and dislike most about India?
Blimey, where do I even start? India was...India. We dragged our arses all over the place. New Delhi, Jaipur, Varanasi, Mumbai, Rajasthan.
Varanasi was the pick of the lot, mind. I went there to see if Beelzebub could actually track me down in the spiritual capital. Honestly, for a minute there, I felt properly at ease for what actually may be the first time in my life. Like I’d ascended to a higher plane, transcended the filth of existence. I remember sitting by The Ganges and wrapping my head around it all. Didn't last long, though, before some bastard monkey decided to ruin the vibe. Russ and 2D, meanwhile, were obsessed with Jaipur. 2D just gawped at it like a stunned goldfish because it was 'pretty,' and we wasted time trekking up to Nahargarh Fort and getting soaked under a waterfall at Hathni Kund. Wasn't actually the first time I'd bathed in a public place, mind you. I’d somehow got the idea that the fountain outside one of our hotels was meant for a quick scrub. Turned out, it was a wishing fountain. A bit of a bugger, that, spent the next four hours picking bloody pennies out of my crack, didn't I? Left me feeling a bit richer, but definitely not any cleaner.
I remember having the most horrific, soul-cleansing shits of my life after slamming back some back-alley Gulab Jamun. Bloody gorgeous going down. syrupy, like little deep-fried balls of heaven, but I spent the next day convinced Satan himself was clawing his way out my arsehole. People moan about the heat and the crows, but give over, years of rot in damp clubs prepared me for that, mate. And the scammers? Honestly, you’ve got to admire the hustle. It’s a craft.
New Delhi was a bit of a letdown, though. Just another smog-choked pit like London. We’ve got St. Paul’s, they’ve got Jama Masjid, we’ve got the Palace, they’ve got Rashtrapati Bhavan. Same tourism drivel, different postcode. Also! Don’t get me started on the monkeys. I had to stop Noodle from smuggling one home. I told her point-blank: 'We’ve already got a 2D.'
We even tried our hand at some charity work at the Sixth Temple Kitchens. Very ‘holier-than-thou’ lot, the locals, always banging on about the importance of giving. Hard to feel charitable when 2D is standing there humming in my ear, though. I swear, I was about two seconds away from clobbering him with a soup pot just to get a bit of peace and quiet.
Overall? Look, it’s hard to pin down whether I actually enjoyed it or not. It was an... experience. Put it that way.
Besides, we can claim we’re like The Beatles now, can’t we? That’s the box we’ve ticked. Doing the whole 'mystical India' pilgrimage, it was practically mandatory after the soul-sucking vacuum of LA. I certainly didn't expect an album to come out of it but...there you go.
